I'm all for being nice to people and respecting the opinions and beliefs of others, but there are some times when people just really need to have the living shit beat out of them.  Unfortunately, they usually hit back.  However, in these cases, the abuse needs to be verbal.  And e-mailed.  So brute physical force is no good.  What is needed is a rapier wit and brutal sarcasm.  This is where I shine.

THE VICTIM LIST
(starting with the most recent)

Sanja Jermolenko (CADQuarters)
Roy Randall
Zoeye_123
Taylor Viuhkola
Jamie Reynolds
Robert Shields
Abiodun Akindele
From The "Nuke 'Em" Page
Jeff from WebSiteSource
Ziad Sartawi
Christian from WebSiteSource
Chuck The Golf Club Guy

And now, without further ado, the abuse.

Sanja Jermolenko (CADQuarters)

(September 2006)

Sanja is a prime example of why I no longer care about, am agreeable towards, or have any interest in going on dates.  Not that I don't like the way girls feel, mind you, it's just that, well, they're all deranged.

Case in point:  Sanja Jermolenko.  My relationship - purely business - with her began a little over a year ago when she hired me to help with a project she had in Midtown.  CADQuarters does "site surveys."  You have an apartment, building, whatever, and for some reason you need blueprints.  But you lost them.  Or, the building has been remodeled in the interim and the plans are out of date.  We would go in, measure everything, and make new plans.  I was the Measure Monkey.  My job was to give the measurements so the plans would come out right, and not like a crazed three year-old with a Sharpie had a seizure.  The job took two months (ten hours a day, every day save four), and afterwards Sanja continued to ask me to help with jobs.

Fast forward to this last August 8th.  We were supposed to measure a building in Washington Heights.  The way it worked was thus:  Sanja and I measured the architectural (walls, doors, etc.), and another girl measured the electrical (where outlets and plus and shit were in the room).  This would require us having at the bare minimum one laser measurer and two tape measurers.  I called Sanja as per instructions when I got to the building to find out where they were.  You know when you're talking to someone on the phone and right about the middle of the first word that they utter, you know they're in a shitty mood?  And not just a nebulous sense that could be bad gas misconstrued, no, I mean full-on pissiness.  After I arrived we went into the first apartment.  Sanja has this 99 cent store reject floral bag in which she carries her crap.  I went into it to get a tape measurer, only to find out that she forgot it.

Imagine having a restaurant with a kitchen with three cooks, and you only have one knife.  Imagine how much longer everything is going to take.  When she told me that she forgot it, I took a measured pause and put the bag on the floor.  I didn't gently place it like it was full of Faberge eggs, mind you, I dropped it from a vast height of several inches (like, six), like you drop a backpack or a shitty 99 cent store reject floral bag.  BLAHBLAHBLAH.  I tuned it out.  Immediately, before we get to the second room, the problems start.  Every time I need to measure something too small for the laser to read, I have to put shit down, walk across the apartment, get the tape measurer, walk back, measure the whatever it is, then walk back, give it back to the other girl, walk back, and pick up where I left off.  One could probably intuit how this would become bothersome in a fuckin' hurry.  The third time I yell out, "<name withheld>, I need the tape measure."  AT which point I was notified that I was an asshole and if I was going to act that way I could leave.  And I did.  Don't make me an offer unless you're willing to accept that I may take you up on said offer.  I went home, slept a little, and went to Roslyn to pretend that I like old people (hint: I really kinda don't).  I figured after a couple of days everything would blow over, her little conniption fit would have passed, and all would be calm.  Wrong.

 What you did yesterday was downright disgusting. It ain't my fault that you came to work all grumpy and upset over whatever, I just won't have it taken out on me.

Yes, I forgot the tape. Gee, sometimes people forget stuff. We could have finished the job fine even without it, but when Kenny boy is throwing a tantrum like a 3 year old, there is no reasoning with him or explaining it to him. My Ivan is more mature and has better manners than you.

Next time you throw my bag on the floor or embarrass me in front of other people or I can't finish the job because you're having a bad hair day, you will be out on your ass and without being paid. Everybody can be replaced. You ain't anything special.

No wonder you can't find a regular job. No one with a right mind would put up with your bullshit every day. If I were you, I'd start bulding a nice cardboard box and scouting the homeless shelters in town cuz that's exactly where you're heading with this attitude.

Hmmm... not quite "blown over," was it?  Well, it's not like I really liked the psychotic bitch anyway (going back to the first job we did), so I decided to take the following attitude:

Why don't you just send me a check for the 15 hours you owe me and we'll call it a day?

I refuse to get into a pissing match.

Of course, the pissing match was just starting.

How about I don't.

You couldn't finish work Friday, so I suggested you go home as you weren't capable of doing anything. Then you cancelled Monday. Then you threw the tantrum Tuesday and left work. Now you're pulling out of the job altogether and I have a deadline? Oh and you don't want a "pissing match" but you CAN screw people over any way you want?

So lemme see... My day is $500. You cost me more than that so far on this job. So how about I invoice you for at least those $200?

You REALLY are a total asshole.

First of all... yes, I am a total asshole.  Any female on Earth will attest to that, and I won't put up the slightest bit of a defense.  The "Friday" to which she refers was a four-hour day.  And how I "cost" her anything is up for debate.  If you're a fuckin' idiot, you would debate it.

And once again, I refuse to lower myself to you.

By the way, if I do not receive a check from you within 15 days from right now, I will file in small claims court against you for the $300, and if necessary I will name Stella and the building super as witnesses that I was present for those days and times. I promise you, you do not want to fuck with me.

Now I'm just hoping she goes away.  After mailing me what she owes, of course.  However, she wouldn't shut the fuck up:

Then I'll sue you for leaving work and not finishing the job as promised. I'll submit your emails as proof promising when you were gonna show up for work.  Every day you were absent I'll demand $500 and for every day I missed the deadline cuz of you I'll demand another $500.

Now do you want to fuck with me?

Nice try, too bad that life doesn't work that way.

You now have five days to mail a check. I am an independent contractor and under no legally binding agreement to you or anyone on where I will be and when. If you honestly think that your defense will hold up in court, then more power to you.

You want to leave it to a judge, fine by me. Just let me know right now and I'll file the paperwork tomorrow.

Now I'm starting to get pissed.  I start collecting all the e-mails in preparation for having to sue her for a lousy fuckin' $300.

I have no idea what you're talking about. We never had a contract and I ain't seen you showing up for work. Would you like me to play that?

Or howzabout I tell the judge about your li'l bankruptcy scheme and bring Stella as a witness? I'm sure they would LOVE to know about your little fraud. I could tell them that I paid cash for your personal trainer services and also ask how come IRS lets some people get away without paying taxes.

I'm sure you don't want THAT pissing match. Which, BTW, you deserve. I gave you a job when you didn't have a pot to piss in. This is what I get in return?

Rule Number One:  if you're planning on giving false testimony under oath, don't write your intentions down and send them to someone.  Especially when that someone is the plaintiff.  Oh, and my little "bankruptcy scheme" was me filing bankruptcy.  And by the way, I didn't falsify anything, just in case you were wondering.  And I did, in fact, have the aforementioned pot to which she refers.  I hope you have a snack, this may take a while...

Fraud? Your e-mail to me regarding your plan to lie about "I paid cash for your personal trainer services" is pretty much blown up by the fact that YOU JUST WROTE IT THE FUCK DOWN.

OK, so you call the IRS and they see that I've filed my taxes in a timely fashion. Everything else you mentioned is coming out your ass and will be seen as such when I tell anyone and everyone that it is in order to get out of paying someone who did work for you.

And then I will call every architect on the eastern seaboard and tell some stories of my own.

What game did you want to play again?

All this for three bills?  It was almost starting to not be worth it.  But, it continued:

F-R-A-U-D. Is when you make up bankruptcy. Ever heard of that? I did. Stella did. You told us. You were bragging up and down how you won't be paying the 30K you owe millions of creditors.

In the meantime you were charging people cash and never reporting it. You said it yourself. Your clients can testify.

Comprende?

"And once again, I refuse to lower myself to you."

Uh-huh. Lower yourself. Throwing my bag and screaming at me in someone's house with that person present was taking the HIGH ROAD?

You couldn't lower yourself if your life depended on it cuz there ain't no lower place to go than a cave you grew up in.

Now, I was trying to be a good boy and follow the Marquis of Queensbury rules, but she was sniping at my family now.  It was a damn nice cave, thankyouveryverymuch, so fuck you.  Thirty grand, millions of creditors, well, at least one number was right.  My clients can testify.  I also keep track of what I make in a day (just in the event of such an action by the IRS) and haven't reported what I made this year because... well... it's still THIS YEAR.  When it's NEXT YEAR, I will report what I made THIS YEAR.

No. FRAUD is:

A deception deliberately practiced in order to secure unfair or unlawful gain.
A piece of trickery; a trick.

One that defrauds; a cheat.
One who assumes a false pose; an impostor.

How did I "make up" bankruptcy? Are you completely delusional? And it's slightly less than "millions of creditors." And that is what bankruptcy does - it allows people who cannot pay their debts a chance to wipe the slate clean. And you're right. I am charging people cash. And no, I'm not reporting it, because none of it occurred in 2005. All of my money - which I have kept immaculate records of - that I have made through training - and the related expenses - WILL be reported in 2006 when they are supposed to be.

Now, if you're done, write a check and put it in the mail. Or I will be at small claims court on Monday filing against you. And then you can pay the $300 plus the court fees plus the filing fees plus interest. And when you don't pay me after that, I will go to a city marshal, and they will seize your bank accounts and extract the money you owe me plus the court fees plus the filing fees plus interest plus a little extra for their time and effort. And then you can cry FRAUD at the top of your lungs.

It's one thing to have such a tête-à-tête with someone with the slightest sliver of intelligence, but this is just like fighting with a five year-old.  Luckily, I have the ability to lower myself to the level of a five year-old.

Asshole, I told you. You will get your 200. You can't read?

Fraud is when you claim you don't have money which you did at the time of the bankruptcy except you didn't report it as it was cash. YOU TOLD ME THIS YOURSELF DUMBO!!!!

They will check with your clients so don't worry who's right. I'll pay your money and then call the court. For no reason at all... Just for fun as you deserve it.

Payback's a bitch.

First of all, for all you IRS agents, what I claimed at the time I filed was the truth.  Second, it was $300, not $200.  Third, did any of you read ANYTHING ANYWHERE that said she was sending it?  Or are all of you illiterate assholes like me?

$300. Not $200.

Five days.

And apparently I CAN'T read. Or, more specifically, you can't write. Because in not one of your e-mails did you mention actually paying. I can send them back to you and you can re-read them if you'd like.

Now start writing.

Sometimes, there is beauty in simplicity.  Unfortunately, a new e-mail was a-brewin':

$200. You showed up Friday and did hardly any work.  Sue me if you want for a 100 but I will not pay for work not done.

And it will be 2 weeks as usual, not 5 days.

Kenneth, you're screwed. Big time. The judge will love the fraud part. Your ass is going to jail, or at the very least there will be hell to pay. Pardon the pun.

She wants two weeks, fine.  Allow me to retort:

Thursday July 27th 9am-2:30pm = 5.5 hours

Friday July 28th 9am-2:30pm = 5.5 hours

Friday August 4th 9:30am-1:30pm = 4 hours

TOTAL = 15 hours

I'll worry about whatever bullshit letters and phone calls you want to write. You just worry about learning how to add to 15, then multiplying by 20, then putting a dollar sign in front of it.

And when I have documents from the court stating that you swear your allegations are true, and then they find out that their not, you will find yourself in a good pile of shit, because if I can't sue you for harassment and false accusation, at the very least the courts will want to know why you are bearing false witness. They may do a little investigating of their own into you. Be careful what game you try playing.

You now have two weeks.

Did you think it ended there?  Pshaw:

They can do ALL the investigating they want. I pay my taxes, I don't have debt, the company never owed anyone a dime, the company pays taxes and doesn't have debt... They can investigate or audit until hell freezes over, everything's by the book.

Now you are another story... You had clients and were charging cash DURING the bankruptcy proceedings. YOU said it yourself. In your words: they think I have no
money because everything I get is cash and none of that ever sees a bank. YOU were telling me all about filing bankruptcy because I said I didn't know anything about it as I never needed it and do not intend to.

I think she was confusing this conversation with one with her imaginary friends (see her lawyer later).  OK, my turn:

All that matters is PRIOR to the bankruptcy proceedings.

All you had to do was ask me to go to a 99cent store and buy a straight ruler. You were in a shitty mood when I called you on the phone, you were in a shitty mood when I got there, and you're in a shitty mood now. You're the one who fired off the shitty e-mail this morning, not me. I avoided saying or writing anything after yesterday because I just assumed everything would blow over. You made sure it didn't. When you can prove that my "actions" almost cost you the job let me know. And when you can somehow find a lawyer that thinks "throwing" your bag is a legitimate litigious reason, best of luck. And if you really want to start mudslinging, let me know. I will contact every architectural firm within a thousand miles telling them you show up late for jobs and overbill them for hours, and I will post on Craigslist a hundred times a day that you are a mean selfish bitch who doesn't pay her people and threatens to rat them out for whatever reason, real or imagined, that she can think of. Try hiring someone off of there after THAT.

Or, you can just write the damn check and be done with it.

It's your mouth and fingers that started this, not me.

And please, stop writing me about this. It's getting boring.

And it was.  I just wanted to get on with the day.  And I know, some of you will say, "But all you had to do was walk away from the computer," yeah, but I wanted my damn money.

Freddie, I mean Kenny, you're an idiot. I know it.  Stella knows it. Everybody who worked on the Rihga knows it.

My mood was perfectly fine yesterday and all days. You started the whole damn thing with screaming at me and throwing my bag. Stella was there you dumb idiot! And
this wasn't your first time, either.

I think you have some posting to do now. I think you have some phone calls to make. Please do. By all means do. I would LOVE it if you did. I would really, really love it if you did. Especially since you emailed to tell me you would. That wasn't all that smart, you know.

If by saying her mood was "perfectly fine" "all days," she meant that she was a forty-something delusional bitch, then yes, she was fine that day and all days.  I mean, her mood at the very first e-mail was very pleasant, don't you agree?

Just mail my check, Jesus Christ, you sound like a retard.

Almost done.  For this day.

I was gonna... But now that you wrote this... Hmmm... I don't think so.

So let me get this straight:  she was going mail a check for something that she claims she doesn't have to.  So which is it, she wasn't going to pay me because of some imaginary transgression on my part, or she was going to pay me?

Well, wait fifteen days, see what happens.

This was becoming a battle royale.

Not a problem. I can wait. But you won't have to wait that long to see what happens. Made a couple of phone calls and had a blast.

For those of you keeping score at home, I'm still waiting.  So, the first round ended with the score, Going To Court 1, Getting Paid 0.  I waited two weeks like she said.  Then I waited a few more days.  And when a check was still not forthcoming, Round Two began (ding ding):

I trust that you have kept to your word and not sent the check for $300 representing what you owe me for work done. Now, trust me in keeping my word of filing against you in small claims court. Have a nice day.

To which she replied:

So you are actually begging for $300 that you didn't earn... How pathetic is that...

Very pathetic if that were true.  Even more so that you laid claim - twice - that you were going to pay me.  So, if I'm lying about what she owed me and she claimed twice she was going to pay it, who's the bigger dummy?

I'm not begging. I'm suing. And a judge will decide who earned what. See you in court.

I can play that game, filing a small claims court case is easy, a monkey could do it.

Chop-chop. And screen your calls. You never know who might be looking for you these days... ;)

Be it known that not then, not now, and at no time in the future will I be trembling.

Too bad "I don't like him" is not a valid legal defense for not paying someone what you owe them.

See you in Queens in a few days.

A nice hour subway ride for her.  If I could have found a less convenient court for her to have to go to (yet not more inconvenient for me), I would have done it, but I didn't feel like driving to Staten Island.  And paying the toll on the Verrazano.

Sorry. I'm busy and don't think I'll be coming to Queens any time soon.

"I don't like him" is not the reason. It's more like "he's a total asshole who thinks he can do whatever he wants, who has NO manners or common decency whatsoever
and who treats people that were good to him like shit".

I had no idea that being fat as a kid can do all this to you. Get help.

Again, yes, I'm an asshole ("total" may be going a wee bit far), but I'm not sure that Allan Ginsberg would have used such a ploy in court.

Still not a valid legal defense for failure to pay me the $300 you owe me.

See you in court in Queens.

Short, sweet, and to the point.  And no, I wasn't describing my willy.

Oh... Before I forget... My lawyer is preparing a suit against you... For jeopardizing the job, generally acting like a ghetto punk in public and therefore giving the company a bad name. Stella and the tenant from 1F agreed to testify.

I'll be asking for 20K. Or more... I have to see what the lawyer says. Better start selling everything you own. I don't think filing for bankruptcy twice is gonna fly... Especially when the judge hears about the first one during the proceedings...

Oh well. You should have learned by now that you can't push people around. You ain't that smart.

First of all:  yes, I am that smart.  Second, you don't need to be smart to push people around, just be a bully.  Which sounds like my pen pal.  And you can't sue me for "jeapordizing the job" when you told me I could come back to work (somewhere in the first e-mail) if I just apologized.  Yeah, like that was gonna happen.  And the tenant to whom she referred only speaks Spanish.  So I don't know how here non-Spanish speaking self managed to get him to agree to anything.

Your attorney must like wasting his time.

I find short, succinct answers generally piss people off in such a diatribe.

I'll see you in court in Manhattan right after that.

20K.

Whatfuckinever.

Yeah, well, that's all well and good, but if you try suing me based on THAT reasoning, you'll have to prove that (a) you lost the job - which you didn't, (b) it was a direct result of me, and (c) that you didn't finish the job and get paid for it. Because I will subpoena bank records, residents from the building, and everyone that was involved. And when the judge sees your frivolous lawsuit for what it is - a personal vendetta and not a legal matter - he will throw it out. And then I will sue you for legal fees, punitive damages, and whatever else I can think of. Oh, and then I will file a sexual harassment suit against you, because of all those times that you asked me to strip for you, in front of Stella, in front of Angela... and I'm sure Angela will remember those incidents rather well. And I will file for more than $20k.

So, what do you want to do: pay me the $300 you owe me while I can still cancel the suit, or play a game of frivolous lawsuits? It would be much cheaper just to pay the money you owe me.

God, I tire of this.  Really.  You may think (assuming you're still reading), "Why does he like conflict so?"  I don't.  I'd much rather be doing anything than fight with someone.  Sometimes, however, some people just need to be belittled, especially when they owe you three hondo.

Oooohhh, I'm shaking in my bright yellow shirt...!

I had no idea you graduated from law school. Since the tenants complained about you, there ARE grounds. My lawyer knows all that you wrote here and is not concerned. He's going forward as planned...

Hmmm... Fraud, sexual harassment on YOUR part (guess who the judge is gonna believe), not actually DOING the work for which you want money (being physically present doesn't count), giving the company a bad name... Gee, I'm gonna have a field day in court. And more money in my pocket.

I can't wait!

Now, if anyone can show me a case where the employer sued an employee with sexual harassment and won, please forward it to me.  To be honest, I had no intention of following through with any of the revenge tactics to which I had referred earlier, I was just trying to get my fucking money.  And the thought of her in a bright yellow shirt shaking... all that goo... eech, I think I just puked into my mouth.

Perhaps you would like to give me his name, I want to make sure he spells my name right.

Now that you have (1) admitted to the amount that you owe me and (b) admitted that your proposed lawsuit is based on bogus grounds, it is I that will have his day in the field.

Thank you.

What a dumb bitch.

Comprehension skills... How did you graduate from college? If you did at all, which is questionable.

Now buzz off cuz you're boring me and I have stuff to do.

And buzz off I did.  It was blatantly obvious even to me at that point that any further typing was a wasted expenditure of brain cells.  The next day I went to Queens Civil Court, paid the fifteen bucks, and got myself a nice little court date.  The next day I e-mailed her a scan of the info from the court, just in case she tried to play off that I had the wrong address and postpone the case a couple of months.

I don't know what you're talking about. Are you crazy?  I just mailed you your check for $300 just like I wrote yesterday that I would.

If you want to extort more money, beware because I will sue you so bad you won't see the light of day anytime soon.

Oh and... My lawyer says that since I mailed the check today, if I don't see the PROOF that the claim had been withdrawn by the end of the week, he will take you to the cleaners for harassment and everything else. He sounded mad. I don't like it when he's mad. Someone always gets hurt and it ain't ever me.

"Just like I wrote yesterday that I would."  Did you read that anywhere?  At all?  This was the 29th.  According to her delusional e-mail, she mailed it on the 28th.  However, the envelope was postmarked the 30th.  Which isn't the 28th.  And is also another bullshit lie.

It's small claims court. There are no attorneys in small claims court. Your attorney should know that. Unless your attorney is your imaginary friend. Six feet tall, big ears, named Harvey? I don't think they allow rabbits in court, but you can check on the website.

I think her attorney is the same person as the 28 year-old she claimed she was sleeping with and was stalking her.  Believe me: if there was only one female on Earth and it was her, every guy on the planet to a man would be taking shots in the mouth.  There isn't enough vodka in the United States to drink her pretty.  Or thin.  Or make her smell better.  But I digress.  What I'm getting at is that her lawyer is a figment of her imagination.

Reading 101

It is time we learn to read so we can know what people tell us. I wrote this:

My lawyer says that since I mailed the check today, if I don't see the PROOF that the claim had been withdrawn by the end of the week, he will take you to the cleaners for harassment and everything else.

Where does it say that my lawyer is gonna take you to the small claims court? It says CLEANERS. That's a figure of speech for taking everything you own. And that is over $5,000 so cannot be for small claims.

Comprende dumbshit? I don't speak asshole so I can translate it to you...

Remember, I will need PROOF.

If you keep sending me the same email with the copy of that document over and over again, I'll have to report you to Yahoo as spam that you are.

One, suing someone does not qualify as harassment.  Second, I thought she mailed it yesterday?  Didn't she say she mailed it YESTERDAY?  I just looked.  It still says "yesterday."  So, was it yesterday or today?  As we all know it was "tomorrow."  But "I mailed the check tomorrow" doesn't work well.  And as to what document she said I was e-mailing over and over, I wasn't.  Again, one more for the loony bin.

What are they going to do, send that guy to yodel Yahoo! Over and over outside my house? And what exactly are you talking about? Forgot the pills today, did we?

Yeah, well, while you're teaching Polack 101, why don't you go through all those e-mails you sent me and find the one where it says you're mailing the check. Because I have all of them here, and I read all of them, and I'll be damned if I can find it. Then again, English is my mother tongue, not that garbled bullshit of a language you speak natively that sounds like you're not so much saying the words as you are chewing them up and spitting them out. I am assuming that by now you have failed miserably in your attempt to find the e-mail where you said you were mailing the check. Because with all those e-mails basically daring me to sue you, you must have forgot to write it. Understandable. You did it at Righa all the time, thinking you told Anthony or myself things and you didn't. It's one thing to accuse someone of not following directions when it was verbal and there was no record of the conversation, quite another to proclaim you wrote something that you never did. Of course, you're perfect and everyone else is screwed up. Anthony, Trish, me, Angela, Frank, the French guy, and whoever else you have complained about ad nauseum. Either the entire world is fucked, or you're fucked. Vegas always puts the odds against it being the world. I'm not perfect and I'll be the first and second to admit that, but you my dear are gone. Out the door. Gone fishin'. Lights on, no one home.

You'll get the PROOF when I get the CHECK and it clears. Since I have no PROOF you did shit, you can WANT all you want. That will take fifteen business days. You know how slow banks can be sometimes. Just about as slow as you paying me in the first place, assuming you really did. After all, you claim you wrote me an e-mail saying you were mailing it and you did no such thing, how do I know you actually sent it at all? So, when/if it shows up, I will go and cash it, and when it doesn't come back bouncing or with a hold after fifteen business days, I will go down to the court and GLADLY withdraw the suit. However, until that day happens, figure out what E train you have to take to get to court by 6 p.m. on October 17.

Your lawyer sounds like a winner. If he exists. Which I doubt. There's a cleaners right around the corner to take me. I like extra starch in the white shirts. Otherwise, tell your imaginary lawyer to keep his imaginary mouth shut.

Tense, are we?  Now I'm in the fuckin' sandbox.

Too long to read. There are no paragraphs so it looks like one long drug induced rant...

Learn to read and write so you may communicate your thoughts. As scattered as they are.

And there it ended.  Round Two, we're waiting for the unofficial scoring from our panel.  The check showed up yesterday.  Seems the Labor Day holiday slowed things a bit.  So I got this today:

So by now you have received the check and deposited it. By Friday I'll expect to see proof that the claim has been withdrawn. I don't get it, my lawyer files suit first thing Monday, regardless of what you do next.

God, you are stupid. No wonder Angela was making fun of you to no end last summer... Hey, at least you gave all of us some good laughs, so it can't be that bad.

Rule Number Two:  if you're going to try and get under someone's skin by bringing up a sore subject (i.e. "Angela"), you should make sure that the sore subject is still sore.  And now that we've gone completely to "she said you're a doo-doohead"-style assaults, I fired thusly:

Yeah, I just got it yesterday. Once I deposit it (may be today or tomorrow), then I am going to wait fifteen business days as I previously stated to make sure it clears. You know, so it doesn't bounce or you put a stop on it or something sneaky like that. Then, after fifteen business days (which should be 27 September 2006), when it hasn't come back on me, I will be thrilled to death to go down to the courthouse and rescind the suit.

Until then you and your "lawyer" can sit and fucking spin. You made me wait over a month for this, plus having to file a small claims suit against you just so you would send the check in the first place, plus the aggravation of dealing with you via numerous vitriolic e-mails, now I'm gonna make your fat ass wait.

By the way, your pathetic attempts at insults are... well... pathetic. Like you. Anthony was right about you. You really are a Polack.

Two can play the fake name drop game.  So I went to work and came home to:

It doesn't take 15 (fifteen) business days for a check to clear after you deposit it. Every idiot (except you) knows that. Both banks are in NYC so you either have the money after 3 business days or you don't.

But go ahead. Wait.

So Anthony says I'm a Polack. Interesting. That's probably why he begged for more work? And that's probably why Angela got all the stuff and money from you while she could and never dated you?

I'm tired, I'm in all kinds of pain, I'm really fuckin' cranky (like more than usual), and in my weakness I wrote:

You're a Polack. You've always been a Polack. My bank is based In Washington (the state you Polack, go find a fucking map), so everything clears through there. So fuck you and your three days, you're gonna wait fifteen. You're lucky I don't just hold the case open and make you drag your sorry ass to Queens so I can cancel it at the last second and inconvenience you and your ugly fat Spandex fucking three dollar pants.

When the 28 year-old gets his sense of sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch back, let me know, I wanna find out what he says when he realizes he's been with Jabba The Hutt's ugly sister. Then again, he's probably the same as your lawyer - invisible, imaginary, and in your head only. And again, if you're going to try and aggravate me by rubbing salt in an open wound, make sure there's still a wound. Go on and talk all you want about Angela, I really don't care. At least she didn't smell like Fulton Fish Market in the middle of July like some Serbian Polacks I know. You keep it up, your kid's gonna end up with a dripping cock in his mouth faster than you can say Jackie Robinson. Better get the subway map to Christopher Street for him now so he doesn't get lost.

Do me a favor you forty-something, chain-smoking, odiferous frightfest from the ninth circle of Dante's Hell and just go the fuck away. Really. I deposited the check, and in a few weeks (if I damn well fucking feel like it) I will rescind the court case, and then you can go about butchering the English language in a way that makes Charo sound intelligible. With your son, the future master of ceremonies for the Halloween Parade in the Village.

Then I went to bed.  I didn't care with what she responded, if she even did.  I was really sore, really tired, and I don't even remember my head hitting the pillow.  However, there was a response:

Gee, what trailer did you grow up in? That's a mighty long rant... You don't have anything better to do than insult children? For that alone there will be hell to pay. What you say to me is laughable at best, but my son? Nope, you shouldn't have said that.

And there, my friends, is the chink in the armor, the drainpipe in the wall of the keep, set the charges and run like hell.  Dirty pool, yes, but I don't always follow the Marquis of Queensbury rules.  A few swift, follow-through kicks to the nuts should end this:

Why shouldn't I have said that, because it's true? You've probably always had a sneaking suspicion your little boy was going to grow up to be fine young woman. Your little boy Yvonne, he's so smart, he probably gets into so many fights in school because he won't swallow. He'll learn, though. You could teach him how, I assume you're excellent at knob-gobbling, after all, all fat women are.

And no, I don't have anything better than to insult YOU. YOU are the dumb cunt who started this, you fat, useless, arrogant bitch. To be honest with you, I would have to potentially rescind the term "bitch," because that word generally applies to women, and I'm not sure that you qualify. I've seen homeless transvestites that bear more of a resemblance to anything (a) human and (b) female than you. But that's OK, when your "son" Yvonne grows up, he can teach you a few beauty tips he learned in cosmetology school. Actually, considering the canvas with which he will be working, he will need a lot of tips. A LOT of them. Wow, is he gonna need a lot. He probably won't even know where to start. He may need his boyfriend to help him.

Now, I would like you to keep one thing FIRMLY in that soiled little sponge between your ears that you laughingly refer to as a brain:

I am no longer taking e-mails from you. Anything coming from any of your e-mail accounts will be immediately deleted. I don't want to hear from you, speak to you, and unless it's seeing you standing next to your little Yvonne on the cover of The Village Voice (he'll be the more feminine-looking one), I don't want to see you, either. I have my money, I'm done with you. The only difference between you and a pile of steaming, maggot-ridden dog shit is that the dog shit doesn't keep sending me e-mails. And it smells better, albeit slightly. Looks? It's a toss-up.

So be it known right fuckin'-a here and now - I am not reading anything more from you. I'm not going to write you another e-mail. You can go on and on in your definitely-gonna-be-deleted response that you are no doubt crafting in your "mind" about me, Angela, your lawyer, what you're gonna do, and it's going to be roundly deleted without me ever seeing it. Ever. Thank God for Norton Anti-Spam.

Now fuck off, you cunt.

So, there we stand:  me with a check in my wallet which will be deposited today, and I'm sure some "you're a big fat doodoohead" e-mail waiting for me when I get home tonight.  God, I hate people sometimes...

Roy Randall

(June 2004)

Roy had issues with the "Nuke 'Em" page.  In particular the story of the dad and the nine-year old son living next door to the asshole.  I won't repeat it here, if you're that interested, go read it there.  Roy mustered up his third-grade writing skills and sent me an e-mail.  Which would be acceptable if Roy was in the third grade.  But I don't think he is.  Now, it is quite easy to take a critical stance of the Iraq situation, and I'm not going to get into a political tirade here (apart from our correspondence), but at least show some brains:

A year later and the now 10 year old asks his dad.  Dad, that evil man who beat the hell out of his wife is now in prison, I guess, but unfortunately all of his kids were killed in the ensuing assault by your vigilantes, after all the cops didn't want to do anything.  What relatives survived have had to live in absolute squalor, no one has brought forth the simple security these people had with this asshole that is now in custody somewhere.  People who were just in the right place at the wrong time have been humiliated and even assaulted by the same people who were suppose to be rescuing them. 

 

I hate to seem so mean hearted to something that was probably meant to be positive but there is no justification for what we have done.  This asshole, "W", not the other asshole, has done nothing to protect this country.  If anything he has made it more dangerous to be an American then it was before 17 January 2001.  If you don't believe me, ask yourself this very simple question.  How many people were predicting a major act of terrorism before the last election.  Not a single one.  Everyday now I hear of impending doom, thanks to a large part to that asshole "W".  I hate no man, but I hate there actions.  You and your diatribe has shown your obvious lack of compassion of your fellow human being who just so happen to be Arab or Muslim.  After all it was a white asshole who bombed OK City building, should I hate myself, nope. I don't think so.  "W" will not win another term so this will in the end be just another history lesson, hopefully we will learn.  I don't put too much stock in it though because for the most part there isn't a hell of lot intelligence involved in any of your points.  It's mostly, they did to us so we stick back to them.  What's a few thousand did Iraqi anyway.  They didn't deserve this war anymore then those 2,800 deserved to die on 9/11.  Nobody deserves it but look what happens when ignorance takes over.

 

Roy

Now, when I got this, I was trying to go to sleep.  Or find the lack of energy required.  Unfortunately, it wasn't happening.  I was going to wait until morning to answer, when I could be fresh and sharp, but I decided to fire off a half-thought out rebuttal:

To say that the Iraqi people "live in squalor" now is to assume that it was all roses and happiness for them before. What "simple security" DID they have that they now DON'T? The security of a police state that kills en masse and buries them in the desert? Was there justification to remove Saddam Hussein? Yes, absolutely, anyone who thinks he was in any way a decent leader or person needs to have his head examined. Did we need to use WMDs to justify it? I don't think it lends any credibility to our end goal to lie, no, but it sure did expedite things. Then again, why didn't he say, "Here, go ahead, look wherever you want, here's the keys to the basement, look under the couch, look wherever you want, there's nothing?" If he had done that, Saddam might - MIGHT - still be ordering mass executions of his own people and getting richer off the oppression of his own people today. Do I think that we're - again - losing the peace? Yes. Things could have been - SHOULD have been - done differently. No one is going to argue that politics and bureaucracy has screwed up the postwar scenario.

As for "how many people were predicting a major act of terrorism before the last election," well, none did. Publicly, anyway. But before the last election there wasn't a huge hole in the ground on West Street. Before the last election there were 2800 people who went home to their families every night. "Everyday now I hear of impending doom, thanks to a large part to that asshole 'W'." Yes, you're right. It's all his fault. We started all of this, right? It's not, "thanks to Al-Qaeda." Because NOTHING has happened since 9/11/2001, right? No one but us has done a thing. Wow, what the fuck was I thinking? My "obvious lack of compassion" for my fellow human being who happens to be Arab or Muslim? You mean the ones who work at the corner store I go to every day or the Arabs and Muslims who slit Nick Berg's throat, or the ones who sorted out non-Muslims in Khobar and killed 22 of them? The Arabs and Muslims who work next door to me that I talk to every day, or the ones threatening airliners, telling Muslims to stay away from Western airlines, and oh by the way, I'm flying on the 16th and 21st of June, on American Airlines, I may be a high-risk target, but hey, that's OK, right? Yes, it was a white asshole who bombed the building in Oklahoma City. And? If I remember correctly, he's now turning into lawn fertilizer. Osama hasn't met the same fate. Yet. Whether "W" wins another term or not will be decided the first Tuesday in November. Or maybe, like last year, sometime in January, who knows. Personally, I'm not sure Kerry would be any better, or any worse. And it's nice to accuse me of not showing a "hell of a lot of intelligence" in any of my points, but please, tell me a few of those "points" you are at odds with that don't show a lot of intelligence. And is there something so REALLY wrong with "they did it to us so we stick it back to them"? Or are you that much of a pacifist that someone can punch you in the face and you wouldn't hit back? And I believe you meant "dead" Iraqis, not "did" Iraqis, but with all the syntax flaws in your "intelligent" letter... well, I'll just leave that alone. And who exactly DIDN'T deserve this war? The Iraqi troops, who under the great Saddam Hussein committed atrocities against both their own people and their neighbors for decades? Or the Iraqi citizens that won't end up in mass graves at the hands of their benevolent now-ex-leader Uncle Saddam?

And just remember, you live in a country that allows you the freedom to express your views without the fear of being imprisoned, raped, beaten, and/or executed. No matter how far up your ass your head is when you give said opinion.

I'm done with you now.

--kenny

I was hoping he'd just go away.  He didn't.  Apparently, Roy has insomnia, because two hours later, he fired back.  I've had to reformat the e-mail, because he decided to answer me paragraph by paragraph, but not do it so I could quickly discern between his typing and mine, and in the txt of my letter, not a new one.  For your sake, I've done that.

----- Original Message -----

From: Kenny Stewart

To: 'Roy Randall'

Sent: Monday, June 07, 2004 10:25 PM

Subject: RE: The 9 year old reply

 

To say that the Iraqi people "live in squalor" now is to assume that it was all roses and happiness for them before.  What "simple security" DID they have that they now DON'T?  The security of a police state that kills en masse and buries them in the desert?  Was there justification to remove Saddam Hussein? 

 

No, for a guy with such a high IQ, you sure don't read much obviously, if you read earlier when I first wrote I distinctly remember writing that Saddam was an asshole and he is.  But in blogs with Iraqi at no time have I read any one say they have missed him.  But neither have I read one said they felt safer now.  As an occupying nation, there is a responsibility to provide for the common security which we cannot or don't want to seem to provide, we can't even protect them from our own bad eggs, as it were.  Now you ask the common Iraqi on the streets if you would rather have your relatives killed by Saddam or "W" and I am sure they will come right out and say, why "W" of course.  Your supposedly smarter then that.  Whether your dad was tortured by Saddam or "W" doesn't make a hill of beans to any of them. 

 

Yes, absolutely, anyone who thinks he was in any way a decent leader or person needs to have his head examined.  Did we need to use WMDs to justify it?  I don't think it lends any credibility to our end goal to lie, no, but it sure did expedite things.  Then again, why didn't he say, "Here, go ahead, look wherever you want, here's the keys to the basement, look under the couch, look wherever you want, there's nothing?"  If he had done that, Saddam might - MIGHT - still be ordering mass executions of his own people and getting richer off the oppression of his own people today.  Do I think that we're - again - losing the peace?  Yes.  Things could have been - SHOULD have been - done differently.  No one is going to argue that politics and bureaucracy has screwed up the postwar scenario.

 

As for "how many people were predicting a major act of terrorism before the last election," well, none did.  Publicly, anyway.  But before the last election there wasn't a huge hole in the ground on West Street.  Before the last election there were 2800 people who went home to their families every night.  "Everyday now I hear of impending doom, thanks to a large part to that asshole 'W'."  Yes, you're right.  It's all his fault.  We started all of this, right?  It's not, "thanks to Al-Qaeda."  Because NOTHING has happened since 9/11/2001, right?  No one but us has done a thing.  Wow, what the fuck was I thinking? 

 

Everybody knows 9/11 happened.  Whether or not as you like to think "W" couldn't prevent what happened the fact that as you keep mentioning it was Al-Qaeda.  Not the fucking Iraqi on the street that is being killed everyday because of "W" occupation of his country.  Obviously you have read enough to know that pretty much they were enemies, Saddam and Bin Laden, maybe not.  It seems that all I read is how the Iraqis killed those 2800 people deserve to die.  

 

My "obvious lack of compassion" for my fellow human being who happens to be Arab or Muslim?  You mean the ones who work at the corner store I go to every day or the Arabs and Muslims who slit Nick Berg's throat, or the ones who sorted out non-Muslims in Khobar and killed 22 of them?  The Arabs and Muslims who work next door to me that I talk to every day, or the ones threatening airliners, telling Muslims to stay away from Western airlines, and oh by the way, I'm flying on the 16th and 21st of June, on American Airlines, I may be a high-risk target, but hey, that's OK, right? 

 

Wow what amazing guts to fly again after such a traumatic event.  You may want to get to the airport one day earlier by then because by then Ridge will probably have our code in deep red by then and you'll have to go on the damn plane naked.  Oh by the way, here is a hot flash, the next attack probably won't be the same as last time, for the most part there are other ways terrorist attack, ask the Israelies.  Oh by the way, why would a "drunk bastard'" be a high risk target. 

 

Yes, it was a white asshole who bombed the building in Oklahoma City.  And?  If I remember correctly, he's now turning into lawn fertilizer.  Osama hasn't met the same fate.  Yet. 

 

He could have been, had "W" not been so hung up trying to one up his dad, see old man I got him.

 

Whether "W" wins another term or not will be decided the first Tuesday in November.  Or maybe, like last year, sometime in January, who knows.  Personally, I'm not sure Kerry would be any better, or any worse. 

 

It's the end result that matters.

 

And it's nice to accuse me of not showing a "hell of a lot of intelligence" in any of my points, but please, tell me a few of those "points" you are at odds with that don't show a lot of intelligence. 

 

I think I have done so up to this point.

 

And is there something so REALLY wrong with "they did it to us so we stick it back to them"?  Or are you that much of a pacifist that someone can punch you in the face and you wouldn't hit back? 

 

Once again numnuts, they, the Iraqis did not kill those 2800 people, Al-Qaeda did remember.

And I believe you meant "dead" Iraqis, not "did" Iraqis, but with all the syntax flaws in your "intelligent" letter... well, I'll just leave that alone. 

 

Oh please give me a break, brainiac. 

 

 

 And who exactly DIDN'T deserve this war?  The Iraqi troops, who under the great Saddam Hussein committed atrocities against both their own people and their neighbors for decades?  Or the Iraqi citizens that won't end up in mass graves at the hands of their benevolent now-ex-leader Uncle Saddam?

 

 

One more time, its either Uncle Saddam or "W".  They don't care they just don't want to lose any more relatives to any person. 

 

And just remember, you live in a country that allows you the freedom to express your views without the fear of being imprisoned, raped, beaten, and/or executed.  No matter how far up your ass your head is when you give said opinion.

 

I won't forget because I learned my civics lesson in the United States Navy, asshole.

 

I'm done with you now.

 

I personally look forward to hearing more from you, dude.

 

Roy

--kenny

Now I'm up.  If you're going to pick a fight, be prepared to fight, right?  So...

You know, if you're going to answer paragraph by paragraph, at least do it in a different fucking color so I don't have to try and distinguish between your writing and mine.  That being said, I'll do it for you.  Someone as smart as you can't fucking type for shit, but that's OK.

 

Yeah, I don't read at all.  Kinda like you didn't when I said that we were once again screwing up the peace in your "they don't feel safer now" comment.  Yes, we're just walking down the street "killing their relatives."  What relatives are you referring to?  Please, give me instances.  I want to know these wholesale civilian atrocities that the U.S. military is committing in Iraq.

 

And whether Hussein and bin Laden we're "enemies" - I don't remember that distinction being made, then again, I'm not so hip on Iraqi blogs as you.  "It seems that all I read is how the Iraqis killed those 2800 people deserve to die."  It seems that maybe you could formulate a proper sentence.  What exactly does that mean?  Do you even read your shit before you send it?  Maybe while you were taking "civics lesson in the United States Navy," you should have thrown an English course in there.

 

"Wow what amazing guts to fly again after such a traumatic event."  Apparently YOU don't read the paper, "numnuts" (and by the way, that's spelled NUMBNUTS, numbnuts), your cousins in al-Qaeda released a statement threatening Western airliners.  "You may want to get to the airport one day earlier by then because by then Ridge will probably have our code in deep red by then and you'll have to go on the damn plane naked."  Fine with me, maybe it will make the whole trip a little more interesting.  At least I know the guy sitting next to me won't have a bomb in his shoe.  "Oh by the way, here is a hot flash, the next attack probably won't be the same as last time, for the most part there are other ways terrorist attack, ask the Israelies."  Ah, but it will be on a plane, won't it?  How exciting that makes air travel.  "Oh by the way, why would a "drunk bastard'" be a high risk target."  And to answer, allow me to summarize:  American non-Muslim on a Western airliner this summer.  If you need me to connect any more fucking dots for you, please feel free to tell me, I'll help you.

 

"He could have been, had "W" not been so hung up trying to one up his dad, see old man I got him."  Yes, because we haven't been conducting maneuvers in Afghanistan since ousting the Taliban, Pat Tillman was shot last month eating chili in Tempe, Arizona, right?  You really are daft.  And who the fuck are you calling old?

 

And when you say "it's the end result that matters" in regards to the election, what exactly do you mean?  Whether Bush wins?  Or whether Kerry does a better job should he win?  Or did you think that far ahead?  Or do you have any idea why you made that statement, or even that you DID?

 

And I don't think you've shown any points where I've displayed a lack of intelligence, especially since you've answered in a rather unintelligent manner.

 

I look forward to hearing more from you, provided you do so in an intelligible and clear manner.  And not like you typed with your ass.

 

--k

At 6 a.m. (again, he has insomnia) he responded:

You know, if you're going to answer paragraph by paragraph, at least do it in a different fucking color so I don't have to try and distinguish between your writing and mine.  That being said, I'll do it for you.  Someone as smart as you can't fucking type for shit, but that's OK.

 

Yeah, I don't read at all.  Kinda like you didn't when I said that we were once again screwing up the peace in your "they don't feel safer now" comment.  Yes, we're just walking down the street "killing their relatives."  What relatives are you referring to?  Please, give me instances.  I want to know these wholesale civilian atrocities that the U.S. military is committing in Iraq.

 

And whether Hussein and bin Laden we're "enemies" - I don't remember that distinction being made, then again, I'm not so hip on Iraqi blogs as you.  "It seems that all I read is how the Iraqis killed those 2800 people deserve to die."  It seems that maybe you could formulate a proper sentence.  What exactly does that mean?  Do you even read your shit before you send it?  Maybe while you were taking "civics lesson in the United States Navy," you should have thrown an English course in there.

 

Fuck you, jackass.  I am not going to sit here and write a eloquy on how you are so fucking ignorant about this issue.  Oh by the way dickhead, its piece not peace, shit for brains.  God your such an arrogant asshole. 

 

"Wow what amazing guts to fly again after such a traumatic event."  Apparently YOU don't read the paper, "numnuts" (and by the way, that's spelled NUMBNUTS, numbnuts), your cousins in al-Qaeda released a statement threatening Western airliners. 

 

Hey pussy, they also stressed not aircraft in the United States.  Get a grip, numBnuts.  Is that BETTER.

 

 

"You may want to get to the airport one day earlier by then because by then Ridge will probably have our code in deep red by then and you'll have to go on the damn plane naked."  Fine with me, maybe it will make the whole trip a little more interesting.  At least I know the guy sitting next to me won't have a bomb in his shoe.  "Oh by the way, here is a hot flash, the next attack probably won't be the same as last time, for the most part there are other ways terrorist attack, ask the Israelies."  Ah, but it will be on a plane, won't it?  How exciting that makes air travel.  You don't know how you are going to die asswhipe.  It could be that you could get so much venum in you from your hatred that you just keel over. 

 

"Oh by the way, why would a "drunk bastard'" be a high risk target."  And to answer, allow me to summarize:  American non-Muslim on a Western airliner this summer.  If you need me to connect any more fucking dots for you, please feel free to tell me, I'll help you.

 

"He could have been, had "W" not been so hung up trying to one up his dad, see old man I got him."  Yes, because we haven't been conducting maneuvers in Afghanistan since ousting the Taliban, Pat Tillman was shot last month eating chili in Tempe, Arizona, right?  You really are daft.  And who the fuck are you calling old?  Pat Tillman was killed by friendly fire, please don't use his name with your venom.  By the way I was calling the first Bush his old man guy.  I meant 'him' by Saddam, goofball.

 

And when you say "it's the end result that matters" in regards to the election, what exactly do you mean?  Whether Bush wins?  Or whether Kerry does a better job should he win?  Or did you think that far ahead?  Or do you have any idea why you made that statement, or even that you DID?  Let me say it for you to understand, "W".  "W" has got to go.  One way or another.  If in all your infinite wisdom, and all your other non thinking, just reacting, victimizing the whole american thought process freinds, just all of a sudden think that rather then elect Kerry you decide to elect Nader.  That would be fine with me as long as that 95 IQ idiot doesn't make it back in the oval office.  Simple enough.

 

And I don't think you've shown any points where I've displayed a lack of intelligence, especially since you've answered in a rather unintelligent manner.

 

I look forward to hearing more from you, provided you do so in an intelligible and clear manner.  And not like you typed with your ass.

 

--k

As they say you talk down to your opposition.

 

R

His argument degenerated into a pile of fuck-you's and I-know-you're-stupid-but-what-am-I's.  Maybe it was his sanity finally starting to crack.

PIECE: a portion or quantity, as of some materials, forming a separate entity.

PEACE: the normal, nonwarring condition of a nation, a group of nations, or the world.

Yes, I meant "peace." "Losing the peace" is a term I picked up in American Military History, something that you should ALSO have taken along with that civics course in the Navy. And you're so quick to now distinguish between WHAT aircraft they said they would attack, because in your last letter you were completely ignorant of the issue. Numbnuts.

And it's "asswipe" and "venom," not "asswhipe" and "venum." And, for the record, YOU e-mailed ME telling me is was, to paraphrase, ignorant and stupid, apparently your argument has degenerated into a series of "fuck yous." Who's ignorant and stupid now? Yes, Pat Tillman was killed by friendly fire, but it was WHERE he was killed that was the point, moron. Your argument was that Bush gave up on getting bin Laden because he was so intent on getting Saddam, my argument was that they have been running missions to get the bastard. Again, I win. And thanks for clearing up who the "old man" was you were referring to.

Am I saying Bush needs to be re-elected? No. Do I wish that my choice for the Republican candidate was better? Yes. However, in wishing for someone better than Bush, do I think Nader OR Kerry should get my vote? No. I'm not going to vote for a kick in the balls because I don't want to be punched in the balls.

So what now, Roy? Some more "your stupid fuck you" sentences? Or are you going to send me a picture of you flipping me off? Maybe you want to TP my house?

--k

Went to the gym, came back, and Roy's awake again.  His multicolor typing is getting obnoxious.

PIECE:  a portion or quantity, as of some materials, forming a separate entity.

 

PEACE:  the normal, nonwarring condition of a nation, a group of nations, or the world.

 

Yes, I meant "peace."  "Losing the peace" is a term I picked up in American Military History, something that you should ALSO have taken along with that civics course in the Navy.  And you're so quick to now distinguish between WHAT aircraft they said they would attack, because in your last letter you were completely ignorant of the issue.  Numbnuts.

 

You said "screwing up the peace".  Not "Losing the peace".  Are they the same? 

And it's "asswipe" and "venom," not "asswhipe" and "venum."  It's always nice to be corrected.  Please keep it up asswhipe.

 

 For the record, YOU e-mailed ME telling me is was, to paraphrase, ignorant and stupid, apparently your argument has degenerated into a series of "fuck yous."  Who's ignorant and stupid now?  Once again you wrote fuck three times in your previous response, but who is counting right.  Yes, Pat Tillman was killed by friendly fire, but it was WHERE he was killed that was the point, moron.  Your argument was that Bush gave up on getting bin Laden because he was so intent on getting Saddam, my argument was that they have been running missions to get the bastard.  Again, I win.  And thanks for clearing up who the "old man" was you were referring to.

Hey numnuts, lol, how many troops are in Afganistan 138,000, wrong, try say maybe 30,000.  I really don't know, your so damn knowledgable maybe you can tell.  But I do know it is nowhere near the 138,000 we have in Iraq.  It's not that were not doing anything over in Afganistan.  It is that we could have done so much more there.  After all wasn't it that asshole Clinton who cut our military strength to the hurt it is feeling now.  We can't do too many fronts.  I found it interesting that they have even shortened the strength in South Korea for more troups in Iraq, not Afgahistan.  So you didn't win shithead.  I'm not really competing with ya. 

Am I saying Bush needs to be re-elected?  No.  Do I wish that my choice for the Republican candidate was better?  Yes.  However, in wishing for someone better than Bush, do I think Nader OR Kerry should get my vote?  No.  I'm not going to vote for a kick in the balls because I don't want to be punched in the balls.  Great your staying home, thats what I want to hear.

 

So what now, Roy?  Some more "your stupid fuck you" sentences?  Or are you going to send me a picture of you flipping me off?  Maybe you want to TP my house?

 

At some point you mentioned you were flying somewhere around mid June.  Now don't think that I am wishing anything bad, but supposing for a moment that the plane you are flying goes down.  Can you see the headline:

 

They killed Kenny, that drunk bastard.

IOh by the way Kenny, you manage to get fuck in your response to me just last issue three times so fuck off.

--k

--r

I'm not at my best.  I know this.  I am trying to muster the killshot, but am not finding that Jamie Reynolds-esque fervor.

It's getting fun, assclown. Please, keep it up.

I'm sorry I used "screwing up" instead of "losing." Sorry to confuse you. Didn't mean to use two words to convey the meaning of one. I'll try and keep things monosyllabic for you in future communications.

At least my previous response had more than nine total words, sorry I used the word "fuck" three times. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. There, I used it four times. Go wash your eyes out. What I meant was all you seemed to be saying in your last response was "fuck you numnuts (sic)" rather than trying to formulate an intelligent response. And yes, it is always nice to be corrected, isn't it? Or, just go around with a fourth-grade handle on your mother tongue. Maybe if you could spell, your argument would hold a little more water. A thimbleful, to be sure, but more nonetheless.

I don't know how many troops are in Afghanistan. Whether it's 30,000 or a number higher or lower, that's 30,000 more than none, which is what you insinuated were there because "W" was so busy trying to get Saddam. And yes, after all, it WAS that asshole Clinton who cut military spending "to the hurt it is feeling now." And you want to elect someone from the same party to replace "W." Where exactly are you going with your argument? You want a non-Republican in the White House, which means essentially you want a Democrat there, because no one thinks Nader has a snowball's chance in Hell of winning. But you accuse the Democrats of downsizing and weakening the U.S. military. So which is it? You want to lambast the very party you are hoping wins. No, you're "not really competing" with me, because you're a moron. I don't compete in the Special Olympics.

And by the way, I never said I was staying home for the election. It's funny you can read that into what I said, but you can't read the actual words I type. When's your next Thorazine shot?

And if my plane does go down, I hope it's into your house. "They killed Kenny, that drunk bastard." Must've used every last remaining brain cell to come up with that one. How original. How utterly wistfully poignant. You really are a retard. At first this was fun, but now I pity you. The title of your original e-mail ("The 9 year old reply") meant that you think like a nine year-old. Now I understand.

--kenny

And with that, he was gone, not with a bang, but a whimper.

CLICK HERE TO GO BACK TO THE VICTIM INDEX, OR JUST KEEP SCROLLING

ZOEYE_123

(April 2004)

Usually, I leave Outlook running and the internet message programs (AIM, Messenger, etc.) running all the time, whether I'm home or not.  You never know when someone has something important to say right then.  Honestly, it hasn't happened yet, but I still hold out hope.

After getting five (yes, five) hours of sleep last night and walking and feeding the dogs, I thought it would be a good idea to withdraw the balance on what nature owed me in the sleep department.  I took a nap.  Which, unfortunately, didn't last long.  So upon waking, I walked by the computer and there was a chat window from Yahoo! Messenger and someone named zoeye_123.  I had no idea who this person was.  And apparently they were quite the wordsmith, because the message read, "hi."  Being the congenial person I am, I replied.  This person also added me to their contact list, so I returned in kind.

Now, while I'm waiting for a reply from zoeye, I checked e-mail, and some guy named Mark signed the guest book, and wrote in, "zoeye is hot."  This couldn't be mere coincidence, could it?  Then again, who gives a fuck?

I didn't save the first part of the conversation, because I didn't deem it necessary.  It basically went:

zoeye_123: um, hi
drunkbastard30: Hi.  Well, this is fun.
zoeye_123: (dumb face icon thing)riiiiight
drunkbastard30: Look, you're the one who started this.
zoeye_123: i wanted to see if my email worked N it did and ur the one who added me so bye
drunkbastard30: I think a "what the fuck ever" fits in here.
zoeye_123: thats right bye

So, I went and did something much more important.  I took a shit.  Quite a nice one, actually, a little burn at the end, good form... anyway, when I came back in to sit down and get dressed, the dumb twat replied.  Again.  Pretty talkative for someone who didn't seem to want to talk.  What follows IS actually what went back and forth:

zoeye_123: mark told me to tell u to fuck off have a nice day
(ah, so it wasn't just a coincidence...)
drunkbastard30: Tell Mark to get the cock out of his mouth and he can tell me in person.

Now at this point I received a "private chat invite."  What the fuck?  Maybe we can all sit around and have a little circlejerk.  I accept.  She leaves the chat.  I close it out.  She invites me AGAIN.  Ah, fool me once...  I declined.

drunkbastard30: Nice to see that your mind has not been ravaged by the tedium of intellignece.
drunkbastard30: Or, intelligence.
(Even I'm prone to typos)
zoeye_123: fuck off
(and then one minute later...)
zoeye_123: F-U-C-K O-F-F understand
drunkbastard30: Look you stupid twat, you're the dumb cum-guzzling sperm-burper that keeps typing at ME. How about YOU go fuck off?
zoeye_123: durr i said BYE y u keep chatting get a life u are so sad BYE B-Y-E
drunkbastard30: To lower my intelligence any further in this regard would equate me with a three-toed sloth. Ta ta, little girl. Tell Mark to stop sucking so much dick. That's what you're for.

This wasn't even fun.  Usually abusing someone is fun.  But, it just goes to prove, some assclowns are too stupid to make fun of.  But I thought I owed you something.  Too bad it wasn't with someone smarter than a shirtsleeve.

CLICK HERE TO GO BACK TO THE VICTIM INDEX, OR JUST KEEP SCROLLING

Taylor Viuhkola

(January 2004)

This e-mail came to me from good ol' Taylor, and I felt the need to respond:

Hey it sure seems to me that you put just a little to much into your statement about people playing with theirselfs.  If I could picture you now, I figure about 40 pounds over weight and dorky as sin.  The time you took to write that, you should of stood in front of the mirror and toke a good glance.  Maybe for once you would see yourself for who you are and stop worring about other people.  So next time you and your mouse go crazy looking for websites to trash, stop count to ten AND DO SOMETHING ELSE!  From the master of internet disaster, T-Dogg.

Can anyone say "loser"?  Apparently "T-Dogg" is defending the people of the world who like to play with "theirselfs" (or themselves you fucking idiot).  The reply:

Dear T-Cunt:

 

Well, I wouldn't go running off to the world touting your clairvoyance skills.  However, if I could picture YOU now, you're probably STILL looking for pictures to jerk your dick to, am I right?  In the time it took you to write that, you probably played with yourself three times, didn't you?  I like the use of trite sayings such as the stand-in-front-of-a-mirror and worrying-about-other-people.  Seems you took a wee bit too much offense to the whole "CLICK HERE FOR NUDE PICS" and I caught you with your miniscule crank in one hand and your mouse in the other when you read that, am I close?

 

Hey, T-Puppy:  next time you want to try and bash someone via e-mail, go bash someone else.  Master of internet disaster my ass, you useless faggot little cunt fuck loser asswipe piece of shit douchebag.

 

--kenny

And I felt pretty good about that reply, until...

This is the Postfix program at host mailhub01.readyhosting.com.

I'm sorry to have to inform you that the message returned

below could not be delivered to one or more destinations.

For further assistance, please send mail to <postmaster>

If you do so, please include this problem report. You can delete your own text from the message returned below.

The Postfix program

<tviuhkola16@comcast.net>: host gateway-s.comcast.net[204.127.202.26] said: 551

not our customer

Shouldn't the "master of internet disaster" have a valid e-mail address?  Just so you know, I tried it four times, from different e-mail addresses, and all were returned, so it wasn't a gateway issue.  And what kind of fifteen year-old faggot calls himself "the master of internet disaster" anyway?  Considering what he wrote me about, it should be "The Masturbator of Internet Cum-Squirting Disaster."

CLICK HERE TO GO BACK TO THE VICTIM INDEX, OR JUST KEEP SCROLLING

Jamie Reynolds

(November 2003)

I was just accused of being a racist again.  The same sentence called me a "warboy," so I can only assume he meant my rather strong views on the Middle East, Iraq, terrorists, et. al.  Well, I don't like any group of people that blows up or in any other manner kills innocent people as a means of attempting to promote a political agenda, that practices oppression of other people as a means of maintaining power under the guise of religion, so if that makes me a racist, then yes, sign me up for the I Hate Militant Radical Muslims Racism Party.  I'll run for motherfuckin' president of the motherfucker.

Notice I didn't say "I hate Middle Easterners."  Or "I hate Mulsims."  Or "I hate Arabs."  Now THAT would be racist, Jamie.  Because "racism" is defined as "hatred or intolerance of another races or races."  If I don't like a person I work with and that person is Jewish, it does NOT mean that I hate Jews.  If a black cab driver cuts me off on the FDR and I yell "You fucking cocksucker" out the window, it doesn't mean I hate blacks.  And if I call Arab terrorists scumsucking pigfuckers, it doesn't mean I hate Arabs.  Trust me, I despise having to watch war footage on the news.  I hate the concept.  But there comes a point when people just can't be talked nicely to.

Of course, Jamie is from England.  The English have never gone to war with anyone.  Or oppressed anyone because of race or religious beliefs.  Just ask all the people in Ireland how nice and civil and racially and religiously tolerant the British are.  And all that British charm and great appeasement skill did wonders with Hitler.  How quickly the British forget that they were 26 miles away from becoming the largest island in the German Reich.

DISCLAIMER:  This is not to mean that everyone in England is an idiot like Jamie.  What I was trying to get at is that there are some people who forget certain things.  We have the same problem here in the good ol' U.S. of A.  Everyone has to remember that their closet isn't without a skeleton or two, and that they didn't get the freedoms they enjoy without the blood of their ancestors being spilled on the field of battle.  No disrespect was intended.  Well, except to Jamie.

Well, hot off the heels of his November 11th "warboy" comment to me, and my retort, I got another snippet from Jamie:

Hey Warboy,

It's good to see the rigours of unemployment don't stop you from updating your website. I was surprised to get such ample coverage, were there no softcore porn pictures to steal and upload yesterday? No wanking to be done? Certainly no actual work (that goes without saying)....

What makes me curious about the 11 November response is how fucking dumb you sound. I'll quote you because i can't be arsed to paraphrase such nonsense;
"I don't like any group of people that blows up or in any other manner kills innocent people as a means of attempting to promote a political agenda, that practices oppression of other people as a means of maintaining power...".
So how do reconcile that with the actions of your governement? Even someone such as yourself must know the history of American involvement with dictators, oppresive governments, the crushing of popularly elected left wing politicians etc ad infinitum? It's ok for whitey to do it but not the Arabs? You can't blame it on ignorance, just read the media from around the world. Or are they all wrong? Blaming me for the Northern Ireland troubles smacks of desperation and a lack of decent arguments. Blaming all the English for what the aristocracy did is, well, kinda racist. I haven't started a website that is a vanity project for my pathetic outbursts. You are the one who sees fit to pronounce judgement on huge swathes of the world. Therefore you bring comment upon yourself. I have never been to Ireland, i am atheist (so couldn't give a shit about any religion) and none of my relations can be traced to the troubles. And just to compound your oh-so-obvious stupidity, you trot out the old 'you would be a German if it wasn't for us' line... well, maybe so. I rather think that Hitler had more to do with Germanys defeat than good ol' uncle sam. From what i remember in school, America didnt want to join the war, and when it did (forced by the hand of Japan), it was to make sure you had a stake in post-war reconstruction. My, that sounds familiar. Learnt something there did we? So what do the sins of some old British warmonger's have to do with me? Why should this mean i cannot comment on racism and stupidity (yeah, i read the websters dictionary explanation. Very informative...). Your entire argument needs a rethink...otherwise (following your inebriated logic) you are a fucking hypocrite.
Anyway, i welcome your response. I just wonder whether it will be another piece of one-sided crap. After all, its very easy to cuss me when no-one else knows what i said.
Cheerio, Jamie

_____________
Jamie Reynolds
DS Helpdesk
08457 660511

Dare I reply?

First off, liberal peacenik, let me just set for the record that I have a job. Granted, I'm not an automaton that sits at a help desk giving out erroneous information because my limited intellect keeps me from jobs where advancement is possible, say in sanitation, which would probably be a step up for a help desk employee. But enough of that.

Yes, I am quite aware of past U.S. transgressions in the vein of pure self-interest. Since when did the Arabs get in the business of "involvement with dictators, oppressive governments, the crushing of popularly elected left wing politicians etc ad infinitum?" as you seemed to draw a line to? I thought that their whole political agenda revolved around wiping out Israel at all costs. Funny how seven countries couldn't seem to overrun a country the size of my closet. But I digress. Personally, between work, having a real life (which you apparently don't), and answering inane bullshit from pigfuckers like yourself, I don't have the time to "read the media from around the world." I'm sure you do, however, sitting at a desk with a headset to your ear and a thumb up your ass. And no, blaming you for Northern Ireland (whether personally or you as in a general "you all") doesn't smack of "desperation and a lack of decent arguments." That's right, the IRA was blowing up and shooting British soldiers who were just having afternoon tea, not occupying their country? Shit, my mistake, I better alert the media from around the world posthaste. They're gonna want to hear this. Why would it be fair for you to point out the shit in my backyard and allow you to shrug off the mess in yours? Own up to your shortcomings. I'm sure you have many.

Which brings me to my next argument. You are so quick to detach yourself from the aristocracy and its history. Do I get to do the same? Am I allowed to invoke the same privilege? Or because I personally don't like to see a gaping fucking hole in the ground where three thousand people died because some tall bearded rich Arab decided to hijack planes and fly them into the buildings that once stood there, I'm now responsible for everything the U.S.A. has ever done? I'd like to see a few 747s fly into Big Ben and Trafalgar Square, maybe a dirty bomb go off at the next Manchester United game, and see how fast you are to denounce retaliation. Everyone is so ready, willing, and able to denounce war and violence when nothing happens to them, and as soon as the shit hits the fan, their tune changes. Let's see some shit happen in downtown London and then get back to me.

You can call this site "pathetic," "a vanity project," or whatever adjectives and nouns you see fit to pull out of the dictionary sitting on your desk. I don't remember "pronouncing judgment of huge swathes of the world," personally outside of the Middle East I'd like to know one swath I pronounced said judgment upon. I honestly don't give a fuck if you've been to Ireland or not. It has no bearing on anything. And the Irish are probably happy about it and would prefer you continue your non-visitation to that country. And as for the German thing, yeah, you're right, we joined the war ONLY because we wanted to dump millions upon millions of dollars to rebuild the rubble in Europe. See, that's what we do. We just sit around all day handing out cash to people after their shit gets fucked up. Because that makes SENSE. Yeah, if I were president, that's what I would have done: "Guys, we're gonna get into the land war in Europe just so we can give them money." Wouldn't it have been easier to NOT send troops and just fork the cash over when it was all said and done? You fucking retard? You'd like to think that Hitler had more to do with Germany's defeat than we did? You ever hear the term Lend-Lease? The only reason the Russians were able to hold out was because of U.S. tanks, planes, trucks, guns, etc. that were sent over there. And let's not forget that your fine country received three times the Lend-Lease aid that the Russians did (somewhere around $30 billion). Open up a history book that wasn't written by a communist some time, you might learn something new. And yes, we had a lot to do with Germany's defeat, because Hitler knew damn well that England didn't have the strength to invade on its own, which would have basically meant Germany would only have had to fight a one-front war in the east, not a two-front war which depleted its reserves and manpower. But you knew that, right? Because you're so fucking smart. Regardless of who was ultimately responsible for Germany's defeat, it was England and France who were ultimately responsible for what happened.

Germany: We want Austria. That's it.
England and France: OK. That's it, right?
Germany: Yes.
England and France: Well, cheeri-o then...
Germany: We want the Sudetenland.
England and France: Didn't you say you just wanted Austria?
Germany: We want the Sudetenland. Then that's it.
England and France: Okie dokie, cheeri-o then...
Germany: We want Poland.
England and France: Now now, if you invade Poland, we're going to declare war on you.
Germany: Hmmm... [invades Poland]
England and France: Well, I guess it's war, then.
Poland: [getting its ass kicked] Hey, England! France! How about a little help over here? England and France: Yes, let's help! [digs huge ditch]
Poland: What the fuck are you doing?
England and France: We're helping you! We're building this thing, we call it the Maginot Line.
Poland: You gonna send troops over here? You did declare war, after all! England and France: Send troops? Ah, er, no. This is how we are helping you!
Poland: By digging a trench?
England and France: Yes, smashing idea, eh?

And I'm tired of hearing how everything we do is in our self-interest. Let's not forget, old chap, that if it weren't for that U.S. self-interest, you'd be goosestepping to work every day. Because, like it or not, it was the big bad ol' U.S.A. that saved your collective asses. Must get stuck right in your ass having to believe that, doesn't it? Probably force you to believe other things too, like there is no Santa Claus, the world is round, and English cooking really does suck.

In closing, allow me to make you this offer: if I'm such a hypocrite, if the website is so pathetic, if I'm so incredibly stupid, then DON'T FUCKING GO TO THE WEBSITE ANYMORE. Just sit there in your little cubicle and get on with your pedantic existence. Trust me, you writing me and reading the site doesn't do one damn thing to make my life better or more joyous in the most infinitesimal of degrees. In other words, piss off.

--k

Now don't get me wrong, as most of you may know, I'm far from a blind follow-the-flag guy.  Part of the problem with being born with a brain and a history buff.  I'm not proud of every single thing that was done in the name of manifest destiny et. al.  I do think, however, that the United States is a pretty not-bad place to live, that most of its people are, when all is said and done, pretty decent, and I definitely don't believe that it deserves the level of shit that it gets on a regular basis from other countries who owe their very existence, in our self-interest or not, to it.  Self-interest or not, there are 50,000-plus U.S. soldiers buried in France alone who are there not because they liked the country and wanted to be interred there for all eternity, but because they were fighting for England and France and Italy and Luxembourg and Sicily and Belgium.  You can accuse us of being self-serving to our own interests, but the reason that all of Europe and most of Asia doesn't speak German right now, doesn't sing "Deutschland über Alles" in school, and is allowed to do things like hold public demonstrations and e-mail drunks who run websites is because of the United States.  You are able to have your afternoon tea and look out at Piccadilly Circus and not see the banner of the swastika hanging not because of "make love not war" peaceniks like you, Jamie Reynolds, but people like my grandfather who served the U.S. military and died on the beaches of Normandy and the forests of Belgium, because of the big bad evil U.S.A. that sent weapons and tanks and trucks to the few weakened countries that had yet to fall under the grip of National Socialism and the Wehrmacht and the Luftwaffe and the Waffen SS.  You can delicately chew your scone without the steel gaze of an SS Obergruppenfuhrer watching you wondering if maybe you were part Jew, maybe you should go to Dachau, Treblinka, Auschwitz, or Birkenau.  You can read this on your computer because the country you seem to so despise and loathe gave you the means to defeat Hitler and fought along side your ancestors in an effort to make the world maybe a little less oppressive, a little less violent, and if it's self-serving to have a planet where bullets and bombs aren't flying across the sky, well then call us self-serving.  You can read this not because of human vaginas like you and Neville Chamberlain, because people like you never see the danger until it's bitten their balls off.  You sit there with your stiff upper lip behind your help desk phone and piss and moan about the big bad militant U.S., but I'll be damned if when the shit hit the fan on the white cliffs of Dover you wouldn't have been one of the first people clamoring please, please Uncle Sam, come help us, the Hun is at the doorstep.  Maybe your grandfather should have tried your liberal peacenik tripe against Hitler, maybe that would have stopped the V-2 rockets.  Or, maybe not.  No, I don't believe in the premise of war, I don't think that men should kill each other over the power struggles of a few small-penised men who gain power by whatever means at their disposal.  I also don't believe that you should roll over like a bitch in heat to them, and if someone points a gun at you, you can piss your pants like a girl, pretend the gun's not there (Jamie), or get a bigger gun and shoot back.

So give credit where credit is due.  The U.S. gave $12.4 billion (which, in 1945, actually was worth something) under the Marshall Plan, that self-serving U.S. policy whereby Europe was able to sweep the rubble out of its ass.  That doesn't include almost $20 billion that the U.S. loaned European countries that we got to suck high tit on, thanks for the cash, go fuck yourself Uncle Sam.  And the $50 billion in Lend-Lease, sixty percent of which went to Great Britain.  Since then we've loaned and granted hundreds of billions of dollars to countries around the world, and yes, we've gotten things in return, things that serve our self-interest, but if it so ruffles your little yellow feathers, Jamie Reynolds of the world, then don't take the money.  And that $87.5 billion that we're trying to give Iraq and Afghanistan to rebuild... does anyone not in a straightjacket think that they were great places before?  Don't accept U.S. aid and then complain that we do it for our own interests.  When was the last time you bought a girl in a bar a drink simply out of charity?  Or were you trying to serve your own self-interests, a little piece of ass for the evening?  Yeah, it's self-serving, it serves us to not have anymore Mohammed Attas, no more Hanji Hanjours, no more September 11ths, yes, it's self-serving to help people so they don't do shit like fly planes into office buildings full of people just trying to make a living.  Our economy's in the tank because of all this, and on top of spending on the self-serving military, we're now going to give a pretty chunk of change so Afghanis and Iraqis can have things like power and running water and... why am I even going on about this?  What good does it do to argue with imbeciles like Jamie Reynolds, help desk jockey extraordinaire?

I'm sure I haven't heard the last from Jamie Reynolds.

12:35 p.m.  No, I haven't forgotten.  The little buggerer hasn't e-mailed back.  I thought he had more fight in him than that.

12:54 and HEEEEEEEERE'S JAMIE!  Just when I was starting to get worried that maybe he got stuck in the shitter... this was titled "Hey fucknut":

You will get a response when I'm a little less busy at work. Y'see, my job doesn't involve sitting on a barstool crying about how rude barmaids are.
I am impressed to see you can write that much in one go, even if most of it is unimaginative insults and hypocritical half-truths. The bit I really liked was about your economy and blaming 9/11. Ho ho ho ho. Fucking deluded nonsense.

Good helpdesk jokes though, they hurt a LOT coming from a bar worker...

_____________
Jamie Reynolds
DS Helpdesk
08457 660511.

That's the best you got?  I mean come on, your other e-mail was written at the same time, I can't imagine the life of a help desk jockey is so exciting and dynamic that he had plenty of time yesterday and none today.  And he apparently had time to read the website in addition to the e-mail I sent back, so just exactly WHEN did he run out of time?  But, I have to go with what he's given me...

I'm sure you're REAL BUSY.. You're so busy at work that you had the time to sit on your fat ass, read the website, sign the guestbook, read it again, respond, read it again, respond... you're not fooling anyone.  You're not busy, you're stumped.  You have no argument and you know it.  The hamster in the wheel running your brain just took a shit.  You're a moron, and everyone reading this knows it.  You couldn't argue your way out of a paper bag.  You're a Eurotwit without a clue in the world.  It's funny that you think that working a helpdesk is such a crucial and integral part of the world that you can look down on bartenders.  The reason you consider the insults unimaginative and hypocritical is because... well... you're a moron.  I wish I could expound on that, but sometimes the simplest answer is the best.  You're just too fucking stupid for your own good.  You're so quick to point fingers and lay blame and accusations, but remember "Solid Rock" by Dire Straits:  when you point your finger because your plan fell through, there's three more fingers pointing back at you.  You probably don't get it.  You probably never will.  Because you're too stupid to have a job above working a help desk, answering phone calls from people who can't figure out how to index library books correctly.  It takes a genius to answer phones for a small technology company that specializes in library indexing systems.  Wow.  You can fucking alphabetize.  People of the world, bow before Jamie Reynolds, library computer help desk guy of the millennium! 

Despite your opinions about bartenders in general and me in specific, at least I can die knowing that I have a grasp of history, both mine and yours.  As a matter of fact, one of the other people that read this, I assume you'd think he's a moron as well, had this to say:

Since I don't have the contact info for that particular assclown, and that he's sure to e-mail you again, I'd be obliged if you'd pass along a couple of little fun facts to him:

 

1) During the potato famine in Ireland, the British government made a killing by exporting food from Ireland to other countries. No, that is not a typo.

 

2) Britain oppressed scores of nations over the course of hundreds of years for the sake of the "empahh". So Jaime can take the "oppression" argument and shove it up his Limey ass.

 

3) He can feel free to take the strap-on out of his cornhole anytime.

It must be wearing on your wrists.  Really.  No, I don't mean all the jerking off you must do when your pathetic day is done, hitting the bar, realizing no girl wants to fuck a fat help desk clerk.  No, I mean the wrist stress you must suffer from holding the door of your closet shut.  And I don't mean that you're in the closet, although the aforementioned reader's #3 comment might insinuate such a disposition, but holding the door closed so that no one can see the piles upon piles of skeletons in it while you so flippantly point out those in other's closets.  It must really just suck to know that your homeland is guilty of atrocities and oppression on a scale far greater than you accuse the big bad ol' Americans of practicing.  What amazes me is that you are so willing to downplay them almost to the point of insulting the intelligence of anyone with an IQ higher than their shoe size while standing there with your puny little fists balled up like a seven year-old on a playground screaming "Bad America!  You guys are mean!"  You're not intelligent, you're not smart, you're not witty.  You are a fucktard.  You aren't even worth talking to.  The only reason I continue this is because some people enjoy watching me tear into mental midgets such as yourself like a pit bull into a value pack of roast beef.  Speaking of which, how's that mad cow disease?  Maybe that's what you have.  It would explain a lot, you know.

Jamie Reynolds, you're a twit.  A useless Eurocunt who is in denial of his own history.  Personally, I pity you.  I pity people who are too stupid to realize their own lack of intelligence.  You my friend are in dire need of a blowjob.  Maybe you can save enough from answering library computer help calls to pay for one, because God only knows that you can't get one on your own.  Oh, I forgot, you're an atheist.

Best part is, he probably don't even really DO anything, he's GOT to be one of those "Level One" desk jockeys that just takes peoples' information and then passes it off to a tech support guy not QUITE as dumb as him who can assist them further.  "Sorry madam, I'm just Jamie Reynolds, Level One Phone Jockey."  He's just too fucktarded to do anything else.

Just for shits and giggles, and because doing this broadens my already planet-sized intellect just that much more, I checked on his "fucking deluded nonsense" claim about 9/11 and the economy.  The single greatest point loss in the history of the Dow Jones Industrial Average was... September 17, 2001, the day the market re-opened after the attack.  It dropped 684.81 points, 7.13 percent of its total.  Now, as a percentage of total value that's just outside the top ten days of all time, but then again, four of the top six worst percentage drops were during the Great Depression, and the worst being 19 October 1987, a twenty-two-plus percentage point drop.  And no, I don't mean that we were a-rockin' and a-rollin' BEFORE Osama bin Fuckhead, but that definitely added an extra kick in the balls.

It must be nice being British and stupid in the 21st century (and NO, I'm not saying British people are stupid... calm down...), nothing's happened, you can sit and sip your Earl Grey and rant your antiwar slogans.  Like I said to him before, let a few Al Qaeda assholes kamikaze a few 747s into London and see how fast Jamie Reynolds is to lie down like a sheep.

I can't wait until Jamie has "more time" to respond.  "More time" comes when he's exhausted The Hun and Thumbzilla looking for his free porn for the day.

I got an e-mail from someone on my side against Jamie.  Actually, I've gotten quite a few.  Which quite outnumber the ones saying he's right.  Which, as of right now, total ZERO.  But I digress.  There were things like paragraphs in this e-mail.  And since I came home with a buzz (because I was supoosed to meet someone at BVs and got ditched, so couldn't finish the job AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE YOU FUCKING CUNT... ahem... where was I?), I decided to reply line by line.  So, his text is in white, my replies are in red.  You can figure it out.

Hi there,

I like your site immensely, and as well you should... thank you... and totally agree with a denounciation of peacenik Jamie. Hear that Reynolds?  Not ONE PERSON so far has come to your defense.  You asshole.  However, I do think your arguement over certain areas in history are a bit shady (this is all part of that problem of with being born with a brain and a being history buff).  I drink a lot, my brain ain't what it used to be.

Firstly the 'empahh' officially lasted only from Queen Victoria's reign to Indian Independance, since she was the first monarch to hold the title 'Empress'. It is quite hard to have an empire without an emperor. Maybe a total of a century or so. No doubt there have been British Colonies scattered over the place since the sixteenth century. However, for much of the intervening four hundred years, these small outposts were overshadowed by the larger Spanish Portugese and French possesion. It was only after the Seven Years War (1756 - 1763) that it could be said that England truly had an empire, on a global scale.  OK, fair enough.  Even though I didn't throw the empire term out there (that was someone else), I never quite thought of it that way.

Secondly, the oppression arguement doesn't really hold water from anyone's side. It also smacks of yellow-belly left wing apologising gayness. Admittedly, there was oppression, but then let us look at the other culprits: The Spanish Empire, responisble for the deaths of millions of Incas (the common cold as biological warfare) the Belgian colonies, Congo as a death hole. it It was the climate of thought at the time. Then of course there is the whole slavery issue. I say 'Look you idiot hypocrite, you Americans were oppressing black slaves for nearly 100 years after your Constitution, and had to fight a bloody war to sort the whole thing out.' Then you come screaming back to me and yell 'Fucking Limey! How do you think the bloody slaves got there in the first place: British ships, how else did Bristol appear on the map!!' The I say 'Well we abolished it first, 30-odd years before you, and the French were transporting as well...' etc etc until one of us shoots the other. Or pees on the other's shoes.  Less bloody.  Another slightly worring trend is the habit, (not just yours) to stand up and shout 'Potato Famine' with the slightest provocation. Again, I didn't yell "Potato Famine."  Hadn't even thought of it.  Although the whole Ireland thing wasn't COMPLETELY out of my skull.  I'm not quite sure why this is. Maybe the Irish lobby. Anyway, the political philosophy at the time was laissez faire. In other words, similar to the American Dream: 'I got here on my own two feet, no reason why someone else can't' Read Hard Times by Charles Dickens for an amusing mickey take of this and Utilitarian philosophy.

I agree fully.  Way back in college, back in the days when I had more hair, brain cells, etc., I took a class with an idiot teacher (not even a professor) who insisted that we look at American policy re: manifest destiny through the eyes of late 20th century man, rather than 19th century thinking.  You understand what I'm getting at?  You can't do it.  And for one side to yell anything at the other... well, I have three words for ya.  Pot, kettle, black.  End of story.

Finally, the arguments over World War II. The debate is likely to be clouded by the teaching from your education system and mine, (though, strangely, I was never formally taught WWII), each anxious to put a nationalistic spin on things. Firstly, (here we go again), Germany would not have invaded England (a nice easy statement to start off with). Because Goring (the dumb fat fuck that he was) convinced Hitler that his air force could bring England to its knees.  Luftwaffe, V-2 rockets, Battle of Britain.  That's why the British forces were allowed to escape from Dunkirk.  I think the whole of history would have been greatly altered had the German army not allowed that to happen.  After the invasion of Russia, German attention shifted east, to the vast tracts of Russia. Since there was no threat from the west, why not?  And Hitler also thought that if he declared war on the U.S. after Pearl Harbor, Japan would respond by helping him in Russia, forcing the Russians to fight a two-front war.  And they didn't.  Oops, bad move.  Though Lend-lease would have been important I would argue that is not as crucail as you have said (even allowing for dramatic extaggeration). The Russians had no need for American tanks (or British ones for that matter). They started producing the T-34 in late 1941. Tanks yes, but those silly little extraneous things like food for drivers of said tanks, gas for said tanks, guns for guys in said tanks, food for bellies of said guys in said tanks... Possibly the best tank of the war, it turned the tide of German advance outside Moscow. That and the weather.  And the fact that the German advance into Russia was all jerked up because Hitler all of a sudden thought he was a military genius.  Oops again.  The German stragey was at fault in Russia, where the Russians always make the most of the vast spaces. And the winter.  And the snow.  Which, no matter what version of history you read, Stalin had nothing to do with.  Napoleon found the same problem in 1812. Though, as I have said, American money etc, would have been useful, you underestimate the Russian soldier, and Russian hardware. And the 20 million Russians who died in defense of said Mother Russia.  Connected with the lend lease argument, (I had to fit this in) is the convoying system to Russia. It was run by the Royal Navy. It used British ships and sailors, many of whom didn't return. The Russians fought Germany alone in Europe for three long years. Kind of hard to feel bad for them since they got into bed with the Germans in the first place - remember who was moving in to Poland from the east as the Germans were moving west?  Read "The Deadly Embrace:  Hitler, Stalin, and the Nazi-Soviet Pact 1939-1941" by Anthony Reade and David Fisher.  After Stalingrad in 1942 and Kursk in 1943, Germany was always on the retreat. This is true.  But if the British had capitulated prior to Operation Barbarossa, imagine what all those troops manning Fortress Europe could have done in Russia with the threat from England gone.  The Allies didn't get stuck in properly until 1944. Secondly, the appeasement policy was wrong. BUT, it is increadibly easy to say this with 20:20 hindsight. But isn't that the fun of history?  Monday morning quarterbacking on a global scale?  I don't remember reading about demonstrations in America against appeasment. Because the American population didn't want anything to do with European squabbling - Isolationism and all that.  And didn't care.  It wasn't until after WWII when the concept of geopolitics dawned in our heads.  The entire European order was exhausted by the advent of total war in WWI, as well as the Depression. Germany had had the worst of this, with the collapse of the Wiemar Republic. Didn't seem to stop the Germans from cranking up the war machine, though.  And this was a country where, at one point, it cost 5 million Marks for a bus ride.  Let's blame the French for that, their dismantling of the factories in the Saar, essentially destroying the German economy and in essence leading to the Great Depression.  The reocupation of the Sudetenland almost sparked war with France. The Maginot Line was started in 1929, four years before Hitler's rise to power.  Good point (and again, evidence that you - me, in this case - learn something new every day), but it was a great effort to (a) declare war on Germany and then (b) sit in a trench.  That's kind of like saying, "If you punch my friend, I'm going to lock myself in the car."  Except the car's a convertible.  And the top is down.

I have run out of time to say things, but I could go on for a bit (unless prompted). There is no Anti-American agenda here, just a point of information, if you like.

Nick Smith

Thank you for making me use the pile of shit I call a brain between my ears for a change.  Intelligent correspondence is always welcome.  Then again, correspondence from Jamie Reynolds is welcome, too.  I like abusing stupid self-important assholes.

--kenny

Well, there ya go.

Monday came and went, so Miss Reynolds?  I e-mailed him:

Hey fucktard,

It's OK. I know you give up. Loser. Have fun answering the telephone.

Somewhat childish, yes, but I figured that was the only way to get a reply, since he didn't seem to respond to the last big letter I wrote, and hadn't written.  In a way, I felt unfulfilled, a mental blueballs if you will.  I didn't think I'd reached my climax, and now Miss Jamie Reynolds was cockteasing me.  No reply.  Until this morning, that is:

Ouch, very cutting. I take it you can't form a sentence with more than 5 syllables (oops, sorry - there I go being all 'wordy' again, you'd better break out the dictionary). Like I said before, busy at work, then weekend, now back at work. You'll get your reply, I'm not mean enough to deny you the padding you so obviously need for your website. But I'm afraid it will be when I can be bothered. Speak to you soon, you sad hick.

Yes, because I was SO LACKING for anything to talk about before Jamie wrote me.  I was leading a Helen Keller-like existence before he came along.  Thpppht.  So, lacking anything better to do, like count the hairs on my ass, I fired this little ditty off:

It is truly sad that you're so incredibly "busy" all of a sudden. Those phones must be ringing off the hook with libraries calling for your wisdom and guidance. Oh, was that more than 5 syllables between periods? Jesus. Sorry. Honestly, I figured, after all, you were probably having trouble with the bigger sentences from the last ass-kicking I sent you, that's why you had not replied. Thought I'd keep the dependent clauses to a minimum to unclutter your mind. However, since you are SO fluent in your mother tongue, almost Shakespearian in your composition, we can rule out that possibility, leaving us with the original diagnosis, that you admit your failure. You weren't so busy the middle of last week, amazing how suddenly you're too preoccupied with the world of helpdeskology to type. How, shall we say, "convenient."

Please, have someone answer your phone, take the burdens of the world from your oh-so-broad shoulders, young Atlas, I eagerly await your next subject-verb-predicate concoction with eager anticipation. And "sad hick" sounds so incredibly wistfully poignant coming from a Eurocunt.

Could I be graced with TWO responses in the same calendar day?  Dare I be so bold as to dream?

My thanks for your speedy reply. The thought of having to wait until tomorrow for the rambling nonsense of a bigoted yank was almost too much to bear.
Unfortunately, i am still fairly busy. I know you don't believe me but I'm not going to lose sleep over that.
You don't seem to understand how work can be busy one week and less the next. Odd you should never have heard of it, it's called 'workflow'.
Maybe if you weren't so anti-library you could go and learn a thing or two eh?

The bit about an 'ass-kicking' was great, you really have an image of me reading your words and wincing with pain.... poor deluded twat.

Oh, the pain of it all.  If I wasn't waiting for an important package from UPS, I might have waited to reply.  However, since I had really nothing else to do...

'Workflow' my ass. You answer telephones. I'm not 'anti-library,' I'm 'anti-moron.' But I still make time for you.

Congratulations on proving once again you're a moron. You've answered e-mails, so you have time for THAT. You have time to respond saying you're too busy to respond. Just not enough time to spew more of your Eurocunt nonsense. How does it feel to suck? That's OK, I can wait. I'm sure you're having your co-workers help you write your next monolgue of pacifist self-denial dribble. I'll just have to sit and hold my water in eager anticipation.

Too bad the best part of you ran down your mother's leg. Had you not been so mentally inferior, this would have been fun.

Sincerely,

Your intellectual superior

Am I the only one enjoying all this?

So Mister I'm-So-Busy help desk fuckwit had enough time to fire this back:

Your insults are so fucking lame. Is it late there? Do you need some sleep? Or are you just drunk? The sperm gag is especially old. Maybe you can get one of your readers to help you out, like you do for your history lessons.
Really, being my intellectual superior, you should know to aim your insults above my ankles. You seem to be the equivalent of one of our tabloid newspapers - self-important pieces of crap held together by their own hot air and bullshit.

Can you smell that?  The stench of failure.  You can just see him quivering behind his cubicle desk, so incredibly frustrated by his own stupidity that he wants to cry.  My next volley:

Third e-mail today to tell me you're too busy to e-mail me? All this typing and sentence structure must be tearing at the delicate fabric of your pusillanimous brain. Even someone with your limited mental capacity can subtract five hours from your own time and deduce that no, it's not late here. I'd aim my insults above your ankles if I thought it would make a difference, but since we here on Earth have come to the collective conclusion that there is nothing but a vacuous expanse riding between your ears, I wouldn't think it would matter what deformed body part said insults were aimed at. And your comment about having one of my readers help me out with my history lessons just goes to prove - AGAIN - that you have much more time (ie. reading the site) than you let on, you just have no leg to stand on.

You seem to be the equivalent of one of our subway bums - babbling inane nonsense to yourself, swathed in your own defecation. I'll take your quite evident lack of intelligent argument as your final surrender. I'm somewhat disappointed, I though you would have had more fight in you. Then again, I should have known better.

Six minutes later...

I'm quite pleased to see that you have decided to inprove the quality of your writing just for me. Well done! Keep up the good work!

I was in the middle of doing situps.  This seemed to be a good place to take a breather.

I'm quite pleased to see your e-mails getting shorter and shorter. You must be used to that happening in your life. Things getting shorter and shorter. I'm also glad to see that you seem to have alleviated yourself of the massive Herculean burdens you encountered at work so you could find the time to fire off your fourth e-mail of the day, a full six minutes after you received my last reply. Now, perhaps you can put all of this newfound free time to some better use and write an argument in which the average seven year-old wouldn't be able to point out the holes. My suggestion would be to have an eight year-old help you.

Yours in witty banter,

kenny

Four, four, four, do I hear five, five, five?

So true...so witty. The emails are quick 'cos i fire 'em off in between work. Is this concept too advanced for your sub-average sludge-like mind? Christ....like i said before, i will reply. But when i have the time. And a penis joke now? If i keep you emailing much longer, are you gonna resort to xmas cracker jokes?

I love days off.  Cloudy days off.  They so add to the lazy attitude.  So, before I went down for a mid-afternoon nap:

"In between work."  You mean in between phone calls.  You still pretend that what you do constitutes actual work.  But I digress.  If you had utilized your time more wisely in between phone calls, perhaps, you could have actually come up with an e-mail worth writing (for you) and reading (for me).  Sludge-like mind, what an incredible analogy for you to muster at 4:30 in the afternoon.  If you don't have the time, who's writing these little snippets for you?  Boggling to the mind to see how incredibly lame your arguments are.  Don't hurt yourself thinking of a SIXTH "I'm to busy to write e-mails" e-mail.  I wouldn't want you to have to reallocate precious mental resources away from things like breathing and asphyxiate in your cubicle trying to come up with more than three multi-syllabic words in the same response.

And who said I was making a penis joke?  Someone getting a little defensive?  Or does the truth sting?  Because Lord only only knows your wit (or what passes for it) doesn't.

I eagerly await your next syllable.

Shitforbrains gave up.  Not with a bang, but a whimper.  Oh well.  Now I can concentrate on truly important things, like getting my liver in shape for vacation.  I started training last night.  This drinkin' shit don't get no easier as ya get older.

CLICK HERE TO GO BACK TO THE VICTIM INDEX, OR JUST KEEP SCROLLING

Robert Shields

(September 2003)

And the abuse just keeps on coming...

When you're in my position, you have a lot of people e-mail you.  Most of them are normal, everyday people.  Then you get the occasional whackjob.  On August 1st I received the first one:

Dear Kenny,

 

I hope your are sober when reading this because this is YOUR WAKE-UP call.

 

My background involves Military, FAA, ATC, TOP Secret, and I have been INSIDE the PENTAGON.

 

Let me EDUCATE you for a moment here.

1) They  (THE REAL PEOPLE in CHARGE   KNOW good and GD well that WE THE PEOPLE of the US are not the BAD GUYS.

2) All they had to do on Sept 11, 2001 was have their ultra secret FEDERAL AIR MARSHALLS just show up for work sober with some LEADED gas in their mags. and just    shoot these bastiges.

3) WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN to stop REPEATING their tired ass EXCUSES and I don't care if they all COMMIT SUICIDE then WE THE PEOPLE will run our own country and not a bunch of unilaterilist slandering the ENGLISH lanquage bring em on tough guys.  We ARE vuneralble to IDIOT LEADERS who reward LOSERS for FAILURE

4)  THIS is a very SOPHISTICATED COORDINATED mass halucination created in some brackish backwater BOARDROOM like CHENEY's HALIBURTON.  In other words you and me BIG FELLOW have been UFO, CROP CIRCLED, Orson Wells "War of the WORLDS"      HOAXED my dear misinformed friend.

5)  12 days in ADVANCE the TOP BRASS KNEW about Dec. 7 at PEARL HARBOR.

6) For YEARS in advance we knew about these plans.  All ya have to do is load up the marshalls on all INTERNATIONAL FLIGHTS and connecting ones. Roatate em with undercover STEWARDS and HOSTESSES and PILOTS. Get it Got it GOOD BOY.

7) Patriotism is NOT ABOUT BEING STUPID.

 

NOW IS THE TIME FOR ALL YOU FARGING ICEHOLES AND FREEKING NUTBALLS TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND RESEARCH AND STOP BEING MIND DUMBED AND DRUGGED AND BRAINWASHED INTO FEAR AND STUPIDITY AND

NO MORE SHEEPLE.  THINK FOR YOURSELF. THINK OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL HOUSE SANDBOX. STOP SUCKING MOMIES SUGAR TIT AND

JOIN THE REVOLUTION OF INTELLIGENCE.

 

WWW.NOMOREFAKENEWS.COM   WWW.WHATREALLYHAPPENED.COM

www.truthout.org  www.counterpunch.org  www.rense.com 

 

BOYCOTT the INDUSTRIAL MILITARY COMLEX including, TOYS , MOVIES, REFUSE to PAY TAXES for their DIRTY SECRET OIL WARS, NO BLOOD from my children cause HELL NO WE WON't GO. NO MILITARY CLOTHING EITHER.

NO NO NO NO little WARMONGERS now GO HOME and GET SOME SLEEP

 

Nightie Nite

They got better.

Most of them I started deleting out of hand, not even reading the first line to assure myself that it was another nutcase e-mail.  Including the aforementioned introduction to the world of Robert Shields, I received 44 - yes, forty-four - e-mails from him in 51 days.  Now, granted, it is easy enough to simply hit the DELETE key and spare his feelings.  But then, I wouldn't be me.  So, after number 44 hit the Inbox, entitled "More Lies EXPOSED as pure FRAUD," and being half in the bag, I felt the time was ripe to send my own little "unsubscribe" e-mail to ol' Bobby S.:

Why is it that when Internet conspiracy theorists feel the need to disseminate their message, no matter how founded in the reality that we call, well, “reality,” the need exists to write to everyone in the most obnoxious font and size possible, and furthermore the need exists to boldface it so that even a blind man under a snowbank in the mountains of Ararat can read it through a blanket with his eyes closed?  And why is it that people who send out mass e-mails can’t do the most simple of grammatical tasks (even in the advent of spell-check and MS Word squiggly-lines-meaning-you-fucked-up like using a semicolon when you shouldn’t?  Or, spelling “China” the COUNTRY with a small “c”?  Or that “hygiene” is spelled “ie,” not “ei?”  Or leaving ONE space between a period and the start of a new sentence instead of TWO like EVERY PERSON OVER THE AGE OF NINE KNOWS HOW TO DO WHEN WRITING A REPORT?

Rob, do me a favor.  I know you started sending me crap because of something you saw on my site.  I understand your fervor against the Bush administration.  Trust me, I know what happens – or doesn’t – in the employ of the U.S. government.  I have a certain disdain for the U.S. gubmint, perhaps not as much as you…  We all know that Oswald didn’t kill Kennedy, that FDR knew Pearl Harbor was vulnerable, and that New Coke didn’t taste “just the same” as the Old Coke, and still doesn’t.  JUST STOP SENDING ME THIS MEL-GIBSON-CONSPIRACY-THEORY BULLSHIT!  My DELETE key is getting pretty tired of your e-mails.  I can’t take all the bad punctuation, bad grammar, and “I-told-you-so” crap.  I have so many e-mails every day to delete that you’re getting in the way of the really good shit.  Like “underage Taiwanese Lesbian Nazi Catholic Porn hookers by mail” e-mails.  Because, propagandist or not, AT LEAST THEY KNOW HOW TO SPELL HYGIENE!  “I” before “e”.  Except after “c.”  Survey says “Hukd on Fonix.”

And on that note, I bid you farewell. 

Yours in solidarity,

Suzuki Hawkarama

Yes, I know, my people skills need a little polishing.

Here comes number 45:

This ain't no spelling bee contest ok.

Oh by the way you thought you were the only drunk angry bastard on the planet?

I thought you might be interested in something like a differnet perspective.

Well you know how to delete then just doo it.

thats What i do if I want To MOVE-ON to the next e-mail.

 

Well gotta go it's Tea Time in malta. Nice chatting with you. In science lingo they are referred to as speculative theories. Or think tank jargon. In politics they are called CONspiricies.

We KNOW 9-11-01 was a conspiricy because it had to be done with MANY PEOPLE with foreknowledge and a PLAN hence the name conspiricy. In investigative circles this is known as gathering data and dates and times and witnesses and evidence and postulating a theory aka who done it. If you believe every thing momy and daddy big brother tell you then I guess you still belive in santa claus or big foot or the lochness monsters. Me I dig and I ask and I look and then I decide for myself which is truth and which is fantasy. I DO NOT BELIEVE or BUY the BIG LIE aka HOAX.

Nothing like an open ended discussion and forum for getting at the cause.

  

rob

I didn't even bother replying.  While I do appreciate "differnet" perspectives, there are limits to what I'll read.  So, hopefully, my relationship with Mr. Shields has come to a complete end.  I'll just have to be comfortable with my friends, "santa claus," "big foot," and the "lochness monsters."

CLICK HERE TO GO BACK TO THE VICTIM INDEX, OR JUST KEEP SCROLLING

Abiodun Akindele

(September 2003)

I'm looking to buy a television.  I have a living room with no furniture of any kind, it needs some life.  Besides, I'm tired of watching TV lying in some position or another in bed.  That's where I sleep and jerk off, I don't want to watch the tube there, too.

I have two options.  Either (a) go with a video projector and get a screen, or (b) go with the standard rear-projection TV.  Either way, it has to be HDTV.  The porn looks so much better at 1080i.  Anyway... Ivan pulls up a buyer's guide to video projectors - what to look for, what to stay away from - and we hit the city going from electronics store to electronics store in Midtown.  Very few XGA projectors, and the ones we do find are gray market, so I can't even get the specs on them, because the websites for Sharp, Toshiba, et. al. don't have them.

The room is smallish, so a big rear-projection TV would look fucking retarded.  And a good plasma screen is too fucking expensive.  So I did what any cost-conscious American would do.  I hit eBay.

There were a plethora of televisions within the allotted budget ($3,000), several of which would have sufficed.  Personally I'd rather go with the standard TV, just because I don't want to spend $400 to replace the bulb every six months in a projector.  Then again, porn on a nine-foot screen would be fuckin' awesome.  Enough close-up shots and MTA might try to set up a toll booth there, though.  So I'm looking and looking and I come across an auction for a Sharp projector.  $2,000.  I check it out, look on CNET, and it's a $7,000 projector.  Stolen?  Don't care.  I want it.  The specs are awesome.  So I e-mail the seller, because it's a "pre-approved bidder" auction.  I get the following e-mail back:

Hi,
right now I am handling a liquidation of a big stores stock and I want to sell al my products as fast as possible to move in another town.
If you are interested in buying one of my items we can discuss it here on email first and then if we agree we will do the deal.
I have had many problems in the past with winning bidders who refused to pay at the end of the auction, so I decided to do this with the pre-approved option. I am interested in selling it fast and it takes too long untill the auction ends and by that time we can even end the deal.many buyers think they want to bid and when it comes to pay for the product they win they don't have the necessary money and so, to avoid all these unpleasant things i decided to select my buyer.
So if you are interested email me again and we can set this up.
Greetings.

OK, so a skilled wordsman or typist he's not.  I replied saying let's go, I want a projector, you want money:

HI Look here all the details I think you need to close this deal quick and succesfully:   First of all I must inform you that currently I'm in Zaragoza, Spain and  I'm handling the liquidation of a big stores stock. I have been working here for the past year but now I want to sell all my products and return to USA where my family is. That is why I need money quick and sell so cheap. I preffered to restrict the bidding for our items because we  have had multiple problems in the past with nonpaying bidders.   I have 3 units available right now and you can buy one  from me without winning my auction.   They are still sealed in the original boxes with all the accesories.They come with fully  warranty parts and labour and there will be no problem for you to use it(I will send you the receipt from the authorized dealer).   The buy it now price is 2000USD(for one unit).   Shipping: this is a thing about you shouldn't worry about because i believe that it is my responsibility to deliver it to your home.We can do in 2 way in each of them i am going to pay for all charges: -UPS 2 days -Fed ex 2 days It will take 2 days for the package to arrive to you.The shipping costs will be payed by me and i will also pay for the insurance in case of any damage happens during the handling and shipping,so i will be protected in case off damages and you too

 

Payment: l'm a serious seller with more than 2 years of experience in this field.
l'm a fair trader with a very good feedback on ebay which is the proof that l have closed a lot of sucessful deals.
During this period l learned that the best deals are closed when the risk involved is minimum.

You will arrange payment through western union(www.westernunion.com).

 

I have something safe  for you because I want you to be sure that you will  receive the product and  I hope we will colaborate in future too  because I want to develop this  bussines as soon as possible.

 

Look what I can do for you:
-you will make the transfer to my location but not to my name(you will use your best friends name for example as receiver's name)so you can be  sure that i will not pick up the money untill you get the product.So you make a deposit at western union and you will give me the transfer's details(SENDER NAME,RECEIVER NAME,MTCN) so i can check that the deposit was made .

After i verify I will send you the product imediately and email you the tracking number from UPS.

 

-only after you will receive the product and check it if it ok you will have to change the of the transfer to my name so i can collect my money.So untill you will have the product in your hands the money will be deposited  on your best friend's name at western union agent.

 

I think it is better to not inform western union that you will change the receivers name in a few days because it is  possible they to ask you to pay the fees twice.

 

My old buyers of course make the transfer at western union direct to my name which is easier and i will be happy if you can trust in me but because it is our first deal i proposed you this very safe and efficient method so you can only deposit the money first and after you get the product to allowed
me to cash it.

Probably this payment method it is not very familiar to you but since i am in SPain (where is a lot of birocracy )l have used it  for many times and  each of my customers being satisfied and l have to admit that it  is most efficient process to  go through.

Return policy: 20 days

 

Here is my name and adress you need for the western union transfer:

 

First name:Abiodun
Last name:Akindele
Address: Passeo Cuellar, 24
Zip code: 50006
City: Zaragoza
Country: SPAIN
 

The product is ready for shipment i just need your deposit  confirmation from western union and exact adress and it will be delivered to your adress immediatelly and email you the tracking number.

Best Regards.

Hmmm...  Does the term "shady" mean anything to anyone?  I'm going to wire him two grand under another name, he's going to send the projector, then when I get it I'm going to change it to his name...  I got up and went into the bathroom.  I needed to look in the mirror to see if the word STUPID was, in fact, written across my face.  It wasn't.  So, I responded:

While I hate to be the one bearing unwarranted suspicions, there are several things about this transaction which do not sit well with me. I would be more comfortable completing the transaction through eBay and using a credit card. Since we are talking about a decent amount of money ($2,000), I would feel much more comfortable with the transaction should something go wrong. No offense, but I don’t know you from anyone, and the whole Western Union thing seems a little fishy. If something goes afoul during the transaction, I have no recourse under your method.

You have to see this from my angle. I have no problem with paying. I have a problem with not having a decent problem resolution chance in the event that I end up getting, say, a box containing a brick for two grand.

--kenny

As you can imagine, I received a reply:

Hello Kenny,

I am very ofended with all that you are saying. I must tell you that I never had such a problem with any of my buyers before. I am a serious seller and I never had any complaints and never had any negative points. I don't know how you can think about such a thing (me sending you a box with ...). If I say I send you the Sharp Projector, then it will be the Shsrp Projector what you will get.

To make you ffe more secure about this, I will contact ebay and I will ask them to cover our deal for any problems. I am sure you will not have anything to object against them, they are the most serious of all.

I will contact them right now.

Regards.

I love getting e-mails from "foreigners" (first, assuming he is in fact from Spain or wherever the fuck) that end with words like "regards" and "greetings."  No, I wouldn't have any objection to eBay assuring that the deal wouldn't go south, they have that SafeHarbor thing or whatever.  About five minutes later I get this:

SquareTrade protects auction item #3049004915

eBay Item Number: 3049004915 Item Description: Sharp XV-Z10000 Projector (XV-Z10000) X Hello kennystewart, Ebay was recently contacted by Abiodun Akindele (eBay User ID: abbeya1) regarding the above item. Abiodun asked our help in the following problem:                                                                  -Help me to show this buyer I am a serious seller(I prefer a western union wire transfer for payment and it´s better to be sure I am a real seller). We  verified seller´s informations and we strongly recommend him. Our verifications confirm seller's contact info and his ability to deliver the merchandise advertised on our site .There is a limited group of sellers on ebay which we can recommend  and "abbeya1" is one of them. At the request of abbeya1, SquareTrade is recording the transaction for item #3049004915. Both the seller (abbeya1) and the buyer (kennystewart) are protected and in case of fraud, SquareTrade will cover up to 90% from the trade amount. After verifications we confirm the seller's contact information. Also, we have verified the buyer's informations. This is needed in case something goes wrong. We will take full measures against persons that will brake the eBay's rules. Please continue with this deal as you are both fully insured against fraud. If something goes wrong, please email us and we will take the needed measures. We will recover the funds. However, in case this isn't possible we will pay back 90% from the specified amount.   Regards, Square Trade Safety Board an eBay Company

 

This eBay notice was sent to you  based on request from seller. To not be a part of SquareTrade program, click here. As outlined in our User Agreement, eBay will periodically send you information about site changes and enhancements. Visit our Privacy Policy and User Agreement if you have any questions. Copyright 2003 eBay Inc. All Rights Reserved. Designated trademarks and brands are the property of their respective owners. eBay and the eBay logo are trademarks of eBay Inc

Now, SquareTrade is the dispute resolution company that eBay has to handle, well, auction disputes.  He didn't send me the right thing.  It's broken, he won't take it back.  I ordered a double-headed dildo, it's only got one head.  You get the idea.  Now, keep in mind that eBay has been around for a while, and at some point would have hired a person that could write a letter in the English language correctly.  This is such a blatant phony that personally, my intelligence is offended that he'd even think I was this stupid.  Then again, he don't know me very well, do he?

However, before calling "shenanigans," I checked SquareTrade's website.  The nice thing about both SquareTrade and eBay is that there is NO WAY WHATSOEVER TO CONTACT ANYONE THERE.  The closest thing to a contact point is a dispute resolution form.  So I filled one out, with the item number as listed above, saying this all smelled worse than Rosie O'Donnell's snatch after a good jog.  It wouldn't send because it said the auction number was invalid.  And in fact, the auction had been removed.  I checked abbeya1's credentials, he operates from Toronto.  Sells bulk merchandise like Norton Utilities and cell phone antenna boosters.  Not to mention that there are so many grammatical and typographical errors that my three year-old niece could have done a better job.

Gets better and better, don't it?

I don’t see the item listed any longer on eBay. Is there a reason?

Simple, straightforward, non-accusatory, and to the point.  If eBay is going to make sure I'm "fully insured against fraud," shouldn't the item still be listed?

Hello Kenny,

I deceided to close the auction for that item because I had too much mails and my email has gotten full. I have a lot of propositions from possible buyers (including you) and I deceided to choose the buyer myself and not let any person win the auction and then refuise to pay as it happened to me in the past.

I must tell you that you are the first on my list of possible buyers because I already contacted ebay to cover our deal and I feel that I need to consider you as a first option. I really think you are serious and we will not have any problems with this deal.

So if you want to do the deal just email me asap and I will turn all the other offers down.

I am waiting for your email.

regards.

Well, I've had enough fun with Abbudabba Akkibukke or whatever his name is.

Dear Abbudibbie Akederelict:

First of all, thanks for replying. I haven’t had this much fun since I got drunk one night and threw water balloons full of chocolate mousse at a parade of paraplegic midgets riding mini Harleys and raising money for Jerry’s Kids. It is nice to know that there are still people out there who can attempt to pull off scams like you. And it’s more refreshing to know that there are people who are stupid enough to fall for them. I, however, am not one of them.

Let me start from the beginning. Your payment and shipping plan at the start was enough to give a sane person a headache. The fact that the auction was removed makes this deal stink even worse. You didn’t end the auction early, eBay pulled it. If you had closed it, the page would have given a reason why. Instead, it simply says that “the item is no longer in our database.” They do that on fraudulent auctions. They probably got a complaint from someone else with an IQ higher than their belt size and realized just what a scumbag you are. Your letter that you sent me from “SquareTrade” was such an obvious fraud that my DOG knew it was a fake. I was born at night, son, but not last night.

My suggestion to you is, if you are going to forge e-mails saying they are from eBay, at least have the semi-intelligence to have someone write it in intelligible English, instead of the same broken garbled shit you send in your own e-mails. I can only assume you are related to the person who sends me an e-mail about every three weeks that he’s the heir to millions of dollars and if I give him my bank account number he’s going to send me five million semolians as an incentive to help him get his money out of whatever no-one-ever-heard-of African country he says he’s from.

Personally, I wish you luck in fleecing unsuspecting dolts in the future out of thousands of dollars. Thin the herd, that’s what I say. The more people you screw, the more end up homeless in the streets, and the easier it will be for me to pick up girls in bars.

Rock on,

--kenny

And what kind of story would this be without the final words of the beaten?

thanks for all the good and bad words. I appriciate your honesty.

have a nice life.

That's right, I'm nothing if not honest.  So endeth the lesson.

I received an e-mail about a month after posting this story:

From: <e-mail address deleted>
Sent: Monday, February 16, 2004 3:52 PM
To: Kenny
Subject: Thanks for posting the scum!


Hi,
just a short notice to thank you for the 2000 euros you just saved me:

I was about to buy a Sharp projector from a guy but right before the
transaction
I found your page (http://www.drunkbastard.net/assclowns.htm).

Thanks bro!
Keep up the good work!

Panos

I should get ten percent, right?

CLICK HERE TO GO BACK TO THE VICTIM INDEX, OR JUST KEEP SCROLLING

From The "Nuke 'Em" Page

(March 2003)

Once upon a time, there was a man named Saddam Hussein...  I had a "please argue with me" about my views of the then-impending war with Iraq.  Most of the letters were rather well-written, but one girl who wrote me was just an ignorant dingbat, and I wish I could remember her name.  Becky, I think.  Anyway...

ok, for the record, you are all beyond ignorant if you believe that the tragedy of 9-11 in any way can be paralleled to the experience of what it is like to live in a war-ravaged nation.  as a US citizen, i have thankfully never known that horror.  i am in no way trivializing the WTC catastrophe, but 99% of americans went about their daily business if not that day, then the next.  we went to school, and work, and out to dinner, and to the bar, etc etc.  we planned for christmas, and cruises, tuning into the news once in a while to make sure that our elected (or appointed, depending on how you view it) officials were taking good care of us. 

 

if you were born of this country, and you have never fought in a war, which is a decent percentage of americans, you have no right to claim justification of our current actions in Iraq due to what happened on 9-11.  ask someone who lived in iraq during the 10 year war between iran and iraq in the 80s.  they might be able to give you a better idea of what it is like to live in constant fear of being invaded by a hostile neighbor, and grow up with virtually no civil liberties. 

 

we were provoked? sure. but how do you label what we are doing now?  sounds like provocation to me.  and what happens when you corner a volatile, wild beast?  it retaliates.  it has nothing to lose.

Are you shitting me?  Is this girl for REAL?  Reply from someone to the above:

ok, for the record, you are all beyond ignorant if you believe that the tragedy of 9-11 in any way can be paralleled to the experience of what it is like to live in a war-ravaged nation.  as a US citizen, i have thankfully never known that horror. 

 

If you have never known that horror, then what exactly is your point?

 

...but 99% of americans went about their daily business if not that day, then the next.  we went to school, and work, and out to dinner, and to the bar, etc etc. 

 

I don't know what planet you live on, but where I live people were freaked out for weeks. It was hardly "business as usual".

 

if you were born of this country, and you have never fought in a war, which is a decent percentage of americans, you have no right to claim justification of our current actions in Iraq due to what happened on 9-11.

 

Excuse ME, dear, but I have every right to "claim justification" and express an opinion about any goddamn thing I want.  That's part of living in a free country.

 

we were provoked? sure. but how do you label what we are doing now?

 

I label it a long overdue, well-deserved ass-kicking, since you asked. 

 

sounds like provocation to me.  and what happens when you corner a volatile, wild beast?  it retaliates.  it has nothing to lose. 

 

Oh, please. Get out of my face.

Hey, I need to get in the act, right?  So, here's my volley:

OK, for the record, Iraq is a war-ravaged nation because of its government, which is what we are trying to remove.  So, before you want to get all high and mighty here, remember that Saddam Hussein MADE Iraq a war-ravaged nation, no one did it to Iraq.  As a U.S. citizen, you SHOULD know what the horror was on 9-11-2001, and if you don't, go jump in front of a truck, or better yet, move to Afghanistan.  Or Iraq.  99 percent of Americans did NOT go about their daily business that day or the next or the next.  People went to school because they had to, but I'll be damned if I could eat well for days and weeks after it, and the bars THAT night were filled with people in varying degrees of utter despair trying to make sense of everything.  We tuned into the news to see if that cocksucker bin Laden had been caught.  Cruises?  Oh yeah, vacations, how about TAKING A FLIGHT TO GET THE SHIP?  The airline industry is STILL reeling from the attacks, and in case you don't remember - and I'll assume you DON'T - the tourism industry all but went into the economic cesspool after that day and STILL has not recovered.  And Christmas plans were very subdued, and if you went about your business as usual that day, let me know what caliber bullets you prefer.  Take your 99 percent figure and turn it around.

 

Furthermore you fucking moron, it was IRAQ that invaded IRAN in 1980, not the other way around.  If you had ANY clue about history, or for that matter a brain, you would have known that.  Let me get a crowbar so you can pull your foot out of your mouth.  As for asking someone who lived in Iraq and growing up with no civil liberties, well, moron, IT'S SADDAM HUSSEIN WHO TOOK THEM AWAY!  Who are we fighting now?  DO YOU NEED A FLOWCHART TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT?

 

When you corner a volatile, wild beast, you make sure you have enough Tomahawks, Apaches, Warthogs, F-117s, M1-A1s, and what-all else and make sure you kill the cocksucker before he bites anyone else.

 

And THAT, my dear, is what you must understand.  And I can only assume that, from your writing style and typing skill (not to mention that your e-mail address is beckikid), you are a child, and I don't cater to children on this site, and since you subscribed to the newsletter, allow me to UNSUBSCRIBE you right now.  I don't write for children.  And no, I don't feel bad about swearing to a child, because you shouldn't have been on the site in the first place.

And, her response:

well fuck me running.....i thought you were inviting opinions and different points of view.  i didn't realize i was responding to a person who is clearly incapable of adult rational discourse - as proven by your resorting to a spew of ranting and adolescent insults. 

 

and for the record, sir, i have been a loyal visitor to your site for well over a year, and have always enjoyed it.  i took but a moment to respond to your mass-generated debate, not because i honestly give a shit about changing your mind, or that of any of your other like-minded minions, but because, as i said, i have up until this point appreciated your humor, intelligence and candor.  I felt comfortable saying a small piece, but clearly you do not advocate a truly open forum. i actually have a slew of information i could throw back in your face, but after reading your little tirade, in no way do i feel compelled to convey my intelligence to such an obvious fucking fascist.   

 

don't invite debate if you are too emotional/egomaniacal to conduct yourself in a rational manner.  get off your high horse. go get fucking laid for christ's sake, you uptight prick.

I feel terrible.  Really.  Maybe she's a hot girl who'd jump at the chance to lay me, as she claims I need.  So...

Your original letter was uninformed.  I DID post your letter on the page, so cut the "not inviting debate" and that I "do not advocate a truly open forum."  While I'm glad you've appreciated the humor, intelligence and candor, I can't not get my blood pressure below 300 after reading something so inaccurate on the facts as your letter.  You couldn't have been more wrong on what you spoke of if you'd tried.

 

As for needing to get laid, yeah, I probably do.  What are you doing tomorrow night?

If you want, you can go find the "Nuke 'Em" page on this site and read everything.  Like you (apparently) have anything better to do.

CLICK HERE TO GO BACK TO THE VICTIM INDEX, OR JUST KEEP SCROLLING

Jeff from WebSiteSource

(December 2002)

Checked my bandwidth, or was WSS (my web host) likes to call it, "monthly data transfer."  According to my plan, I am allowed 6Gb per month.  I consistently (a) get really close or (b) go over (as most of you have noticed toward the end of the last few months).  I checked their website, looked at my stats, did some quick number-crunching, and realized that something, somewhere wasn't working out right.  So, I did what I love to do, got on the live tech support.  Not that I expected a legitimate answer, but I needed someone to abuse.

Please wait for a site operator to respond.
All operators are currently assisting others. Thanks for your patience. An operator will be with you shortly.
(Sound familiar?  Waiting... and waiting...)
You are now chatting with 'Jeff'
Jeff: How may I help you today?
you: domain name drunkbastard.net - I have a little question. Monthly bandwidth allowance - that includes out going only, correct? Or does it include e-mail to and from the accounts under the domain?
Jeff: It includes any use emails going out/incoming, pages views, streaming media
you: So what you're telling me is that it includes only (a) anything transferred out, and (b) e-mails in/out. Right? That's it.
Jeff: A TRANSFER LIMIT is the amount of information that you may transmit from your site. In other words, each time a picture or HTML page is viewed by a visitor, it uses a little bit of your transfer limit.
(Note the words FROM YOUR SITE.  This will come back later.)
Jeff: And yes, that includes the email use.
you: Because according to the CP site stats, I have 2.3ish Gb in transfers by item/URL, and 2.9 Gb in total xfer according to the main page.
you: So, I've sent and received 600Mb of e-mail in 14 days? Really?
Jeff: Are you making a statment, or asking me a question?
you: Both. Assuming that those #s are correct, I have used 600Mb of bandwidth in 14 days for e-mail. Does that seem a bit excessive? Especially when I don't send or receive (rarely) e-mails larger than a few Kb.
you: Let's take the 13th, for example. According to the resource meter, I had 17Mb "IN". I received 13 e-mails and sent 7. Only one had an attachment, and that was a virus. The rest were all text e-mails. How is that 17 megs?
Jeff: Do you send alot of emails out? Are there attachments?
Jeff: I see nothing out of the ordinary with the stats, the transfer, or the account presently.
(Yes, hard to see anything wrong when your head is firmly and tightly planted in your ass.)
you: Well, if "IN" is 17Mb, and I had 13 e-mails sent to me on the domain accounts, and only one had an attachment, where is 17Mb? Wouldn't that seem out of the ordinary?
you: There are no upload sections on the site for anyone to send in anything, so that doesn't matter in the 17Mb.
Jeff: How bigs the attachment? What are the 13 email files sizes?
you: total 42Kb.
you: That means there is 16.99Mb unaccounted for.
you: Oh, and the virus was 93Kb.
Jeff: The date for the 13th does not just include the emails on the resource meter, mailing lists are included, page hits, etc..
you: Oh, so when they click on something that is included as a data transfer, not just the page going out, but the request for the page.
Jeff: Yes
(Now, not only does bandwidth include the shit you guys see, but every time you click a link to see something.  So I went to the WSS website and got their definition for data transfer from the ad page for one of their hosting plans.)
you: Bandwidth Transfer In general, any outward bound traffic from a web site is considered to be data transfer. For example, each time a web page, image, midi file, quicktime video, etc. is loaded, data transfer is generated.
you: That says NOTHING about inbound.
you: Or someone clicking a hyperlink.
Jeff: Not a good write up on its use then.
you: Especially since it's on YOUR WEBSITE.
Jeff: Shame on our web designer, i will have to clarrify that with them. Please read the tutorial located at http://support.websitesource.com/view.phtml?grpID=16
(So I did that.  And then cut-and-pasted it.  You know you're a moron when you use a defense that doesn't back up what you just said.)
you: Monthly data transfer is the amount of information that you transmit from your site. In other words, each time a picture or HTML page is viewed by a visitor, it adds to your monthly data transfer. The average HIT is approximately 10k. This would mean that a transfer limit of 1.0 Gigabyte would allow 100,000 hits and a limit of 12.0 Gigabytes would allow 1,200,000 hits. (That's a lot!)
you: Shame on the guy who wrote that, too.
you: You guys are in the business and your designers can't even accurately describe what you consider monthly data transfer? And I was the one looking for work last summer.
(Five minutes go by.  I look at other web sites.  I scratch my balls.  I wonder when the heat is going to kick on, if it will at all tonight, because my fingers and the tip of my nose are quite chilly right now.  It's cold enough that I can't play with myself right now, I have serious shrinkage going on down there.  It's downright embarrassing.  Or would be if anyone else was in the room.  Of course, if anyone else was in the room and my dork was out, one would assume that the need for jerking off would not exist.  But I digress... back to the conversation.)
you: This is where you're supposed to have a good answer for me.
Jeff: What is the answer you are seeking?
you: Why doesn't the text of what you told me to read mention anything about mouseclicks?
you: It says monthly data transfer is OUTGOING, not INCOMING.
Jeff: I do believe the general difinition of the word transfer is to pass information from one source to the other, it doesnt say left to right, or incoming/outgoing, but it is generally implied.
(First of all, his misspelling of "definition" is not a typo.  The "I" is nowhere near the "E" on the keyboard.  He didn't accidentally hit the I instead of the E.  He can't spell.  Or use an apostrophe ("doesnt").  But besides that, there is no "implied" in any of this.  The text says outgoing data.)
you: Monthly data transfer is the amount of information that you transmit from your site. TRANSMIT FROM. You told me to read it, I've read it, I am unsatisfied with the DEFINITION you give of transfer FROM.
you: The word FROM removes any need of implying anything. FROM your site.
you: End of story.
you: I'm willing to accept the e-mail thing, but not the mouseclick thing. 16.99Mb of MOUSECLICKS? How much does the average mouselick use?
(THAT was a typo.)
you: or... mouseclick, for that matter.
Jeff: Whenever a visitor comes to your site, data is sent from our web servers to your visitor's computer. This data can be composed of web pages, images, movies, sound files, programs, compressed files, or anything else on your site that can be viewed or downloaded by visitors. When all this requested data is added up, then you have your total data transfer.
you: Dude. You are talking in circles. And contradicting yourself. You just said that monthly data transfer consists of data sent from your servers to the visitor'
you: s computer.
you: That doesn't say anything about them clicking a hyperlink.
you: Nor does your tutorial.
you: Nor does the website page where the ads are.
Jeff: I am not talking incircles, i am showing you the various definitions of transfer, all the same, yet slightly different wording.
Jeff: I am ending this chat, if unsatisified with your transfer allotments, please submit a ticket for further review.
you: Where, in your tutorial, does it say that hyperlink requests are calculated in monthly data transfer?
Chat session has been terminated by the site operator.

I got hung up on.

So I did submit that help ticket, along with a little complaint against ol' Jeffy-poo.  Let's see if THIS doesn't fix the bandwidth blues I suffer from every month.

CLICK HERE TO GO BACK TO THE VICTIM INDEX, OR JUST KEEP SCROLLING

Ziad Sartawi

(November 2002)

Here's another e-mail I got from someone and my subtle reply:

----- Original Message -----

 

To: guestbook@drunkbastard.net

Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2002 8:26 AM

 

I was searching around the web and I came across your webpage and well…I found it pretty interesting. Yet there was this page where you diss arabs and muslims and I don’t understand why. Not all arabs crashed the WTC or the Pentagon. I think that page is bloody offensive dude. I know I can’t force you to remove it but I think it’s just unfair. I hope that you are not a jew though cuz in that case it is a whole different story. Yes I take pride in being a racist against jews but I don’t post stuff against them (or anyone) on my webpages. Cheerz ~**~

 

----- Original Message -----

 

To: Ziad J. Sartawi

Sent: Friday, November 22, 2002 11:42 AM

Subject: Re:

 

Well, I hate to use a big brush and paint everyone with the same color, but when I go to work every day with the chance that a Muslim extremist is going to take me and everyone around me out with a jacket packed with explosives, I think I have a right to rant.  If Americans had hijacked an Egypt Air jet and flown it into downtown Mecca and taken out the Kabaa stone (excuse me if the spelling is incorrect), every single Muslim in the world would be on a jihad against the U.S.  So please don't tell me that I'm being "bloody offensive."  I don't know if you've been to the WTC, either before or after the attack, but it didn't pose a military threat to the Arab world.  It was full of people simply trying to go to work.  Yet Muslim extremists, not Joe Chickenwing from Wherethehell USA, flew planes into it.  Planes with people who just wanted to go home.  Planes with people who were ordered to call their families and tell them that they were going to die.  Thousands of lives were taken in an instant because of Muslim radical views on religion.  Because one man and his hatred for America.

 

You say that "Not all arabs crashed the WTC or the Pentagon."  Not all Americans are responsible for the problems in the Arab world, if we even really are at all, but not one Arab would hesitate to hold up a "Death to America" sign, so don't get all fucking high and mighty with me.  If memory serves, it was the U.S. who told England to give Iran back their country after WWII.  Just because you have some warped hatred for Israel isn't our fault.  The Jewish state has just as much a right to exist as an Arab one.  Yes, I think the problems with the Palestinians should stop.  Yes, I think that there should be an autonomous Palestinian state.  After all, Israel's right to exist is just as strong as Palenstine's.  However, you can't say that you've been the best of neighbors over the last 55 years, so you'll have to excuse the Israelis if they not exactly trusting of any Arab.  And bus bombs and car bombs are going to make the Israeli government's resolve stronger, not weaker.  It was only after attack after attack from Syria, Egypt, et. al. that the West Bank was occupied.  You couldn't leave well enough alone and just ignore them, you had to try to eliminate them.  And time and time again, the Arab world got its ass kicked.  What I can see of the Arab world is that there is no peaceful co-existence with it.  Either you pray five times a day to Allah or you're Satan's spawn and must be destroyed.  Excuse me if that seems a little simplistic or a little off-kilter, but prove me wrong.  Please.

 

No, you're right, not every Muslim in the world deserves to be painted with the same brush, just like not every American deserves it either, but when they were dancing in the streets on 9/11/01 in the Arab world, when top officials in Kuwait - a country that wouldn't even be around if it weren't for the "Great Satan" - privately applaud the September 11th attacks, and when I have to go to work trying to keep September 11th from ever happening again, I don't think that the Muslim world has a right to say a God damned thing about what I say.  Before 9/11/01, I didn't thoroughly despise Muslims, to be honest, I didn't even pay much attention.  You bet your ass that on 9/12/01 if someone gave me the chance to fly a plane into bin Laden's tent, I would have jumped at it.  I couldn't wait for them to start bombing the Taliban, because the whole Muslim world was jumping and shouting and cheering those cocksuckers.  And I can't wait to hear that the bombs are falling in Iraq, because it's about time that we stop living in fear of assholes like Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.  We may take our lumps, but we have a lot bigger bat than you do.

 

And until the radical Muslim extremists start wearing name tags saying who they are, I'm just going to assume every single one is a sleeper terrorist until proven otherwise.  Excuse me for having a WWII-Internment-Camp mentality, but watching a plane fly means a whole lot more to me now than it did fourteen months ago.  Every day I go to work wondering what new way al Qaeda is going to try to kill me.

 

I'm sorry if you're offended.  No, I'm not.  I don't know where you live, I don't know what your views are on anything (except the Jews, which you unilaterally offered me), but when I cross the East River there's something seriously wrong with the skyline of my city, and it's because of Muslim extremism that it is so.  So you will have to excuse me if I tell you to take your hurt feelings and shove them up your ass.  I have 2,801 reasons to hate Muslims and the radical jerkoffs who think they're going to Heaven.

 

--kenny

CLICK HERE TO GO BACK TO THE VICTIM INDEX, OR JUST KEEP SCROLLING

Christian from WebSiteSource

(July 2002)

OK, well, I'm too drunk to write... but this is what I live for...

My webhost has a piece of shit "Webtrends wannabe" stats program, and this is what I had last night:

16254 HITS
1326 PAGES
815 SESSIONS

Not a bad day for a site about drunk fucks - but about average for the last month... so I checked tonight, and I had the following stats (last night PLUS tonight - that's THE 'LAST NIGHT'S' NUMBERS PLUS 'TONIGHT'):

26 HITS
10 PAGEVIEWS
8 SESSIONS

See a discrepancy?  This would mean that, either I am a fucking retard (somewhat possible), most of last night's people were whisked away on a spaceship, or the fucking retards that host my site fucked up (really REALLY possible).  So, being the sweetie I am, I took it up with their webservice:

Please wait for a site operator to respond.
You are now chatting with 'Christian'
Christian: Welcome to WebSite Source Live Support.
Christian: Hi, how may I help you?
you: Hi Christian
you: I'd like to know how...
Christian: ok
you: after my report from YESTERDAY said I had 815 sessions
you: 16254 hits
you: and 1326 pages hit
you: my report this morning (since it is, technically, morning) seems so much less than that
Christian: ok..May I know your domain name please?
you: drunkbastard.net
Christian: ok
Christian: Let me check that ou
Christian: *out
you: ok
you: *ok
(after three minutes)
you: hi...
Christian: thank you for waiting
Christian: I just saw your stats...and for july 2 is somewhat much higher
(now, is it "somewhat" OR "much"?  Or, do I need to go to WebCustomerServiceSchool to know the difference?  Or, if you use BOTH adjectives in the same sentence, does that mean... oh fuck, just kill me now...)
you: July 2002 26 17 9 10 8 191
you: That is according to my site stats
you: hits...files...cached
you: pageviews...sessions...KB sent
Christian: ok
Christian: this is what I see...
you: so, when you show me what is "much higher," please let me know
Christian: 2 2 7.69% 1 5.88% 1 10.00% 0 0.00% 23 03/Jul/2002
you: and that would be...?
Christian: which is much lower from 1 23 88.46% 15 88.24% 9 90.00% 7 87.50% 162 02/Jul/2002
Christian: No. Hits Files Pageviews Sessions KB sent Date
you: OK, Christian, let me tell you what I had last night
Christian: ok
you: That would be last night, as in, well, 24 hours ago
Christian: ok
you: Pageviews 1326
you: total hits 16254
you: Total sessions 815
(and I feel as if I'm repeating myself, but wait...)
you: Now, if you can tell me how THESE numbers translate IN ANY WAY into the numbers you have, I would LOVE to write this down so I can get my quantum physics PhD
you: please, prove me wrong
Christian: hmm...let me verify this further
you: hmmm...ok
(and I wait... and, um, wait...)
you: Thank God at 2:04 a.m. PDT I have nothing better to do than wait... while...you...get...this...information... and no, I guarantee, there's good reason why it's taking so long...
Christian: I am sorry to keep you waiting
Christian: I am still verifying this
you: I know. I'm sure, at this point in our technological evolution, it would take over five minutes to evaluate why (a) your server is fucked up, or (b) why your web reporting software sucks ass.
you: I await, with fervent anticipation, your reply.
you: You'll have to excuse me while I get a drink of water.
Christian: sure. no problem
(two minutes later...)
you: You'll have to excuse my rather sarcastic attitude, but since you don't have an answer after SEVEN MINUTES, I might feel that you are doing nothing more than, shall we say, nothing.
you: Oh wait, is my account coming over the teletype as we speak?
Christian: I am sorry for the inconvenience. I am still verifying this with a higher technician
Christian: ok
you: Oh, if he needs any good weed to get any higher, I have a friend that can hook him up.
you: I'll even pay, as long as my shit gets solved.
Christian: Please hold for a little while longer while we are checking this out
you: Checking with Rigel-7?
you: We knew who hijacked the planes on Sept. 11 faster than this.
you: All I'm asking for is a little help on the web reporting.
Christian: yes. Please hold for a moment
you: Leon Klinghoffer didn't hold on to his wheelchair any tighter than I'm holding on now.
you: You probably have no idea what I'm talking about.
you: It's OK.
Christian: Thank you for waiting
Christian: Requests - are also referred to as "hits" and measure every item on a web page including graphics downloaded to a users browser. This is not a good measure of traffic to your web site.
Christian: Visits - a measure of how many "sessions" occurred at your web site. This information will indicate how many pages on your site were viewed and how long people visited your site.
Christian: Many graphs are presented with both "Requests" and "Sessions". As mentioned, "Sessions" are an indication of actual visitors to your web site.
you: Well, apparently you have NO IDEA WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!
you: Allow me to explain to you, you who have a somewhat working idea of dem compooters....
you: WHEN I logged on to my CONTROL PANEL which you run, I was given this information:
you: TOTAL HITS 1326
you: Duh... TOTAL PAGES 1326
you: TOTAL HITS 16254
you: TOTAL SESSIONS 815
you: Now, I want you to take that Speak 'n' Spell that you've been doing your math on since 1992 and figure this out...
you: That, after I was given that info,...
Christian: May I know where can you see this in your control panel?
you: Under SITE STATISTICS
you: Would you feel better if I had a copy sent to your cubicle?
Christian: Ok. in the Statistics for the last 12 months ?
you: According to the pile of crap stats software you have installed, I have the following: 10 PAGEVIEWS, 26 HITS, 8 SESSIONS
you: NO, the stats for the LAST 2 DAYS
you: JULY
you: 2002
you: AD
you: anno Domini
you: the year of our Lord
you: how about I send you a copy of the webpage, would you feel better then?
(after waiting another 60 seconds...)
you: Are you OK? Do you need a copy of "Being a Webhost for Dummies"?
Christian: I am sorry for the inconvenience
you: Not as much as I
you: I await your latest explanation with great fervor.
(Several minutes go by... I timed this by the little clock in the lower-right-hand corner of my computer...)
you: Apologizing for the inconvenience only works when, in the same DECADE that you apologize, you actually HAVE AN APOLOGY.
Christian: hi...this is the supervisor of the shift...i just want to know what is the problem on your site statistics
you: That they are completely screwed up.
you: What Christian didn't tell you?
you: Good communication between employees.
Christian: we deeply apologize for this inconvenience..
Christian: let me take charge of the problem
you: Me, I can't get a job in IT, and Christian gets a whole keyboard put in front of him.
Christian: we are very sorry about that
you: Good, why don't you figure out what "Mister I-graduated-from-So-Tennessee-Juco in Microsoft and Cicso" couldn't figure out.
you: OK, here's the story...
you: since Captain Communication couldn't tell you....
you: I logged into my CP yesterday and got the following traffic report for my site...
you: PAGES HIT 1326
you: HITS 16254
you: SESSIONS 815
you: OK, you have those numbers written down on Christian's skull now?
you: Because this is what I got TONIGHT
you: tonight, being 24 hours AFTER I got the last numbers
you: being what I just gave you...
Christian: i see...so your wondering why it doesnt change
you: PAGES HIT 10
you: HITS 26
you: SESSIONS 8
you: No, Captain I=Graduated=From=Cisco=U, I want to know why my numbers dropped by 99 percent in 24 hours.
Christian: i understand
you: That would mean that of the 815 people that logged on yesterday, 807 died and never existed TODAY
Christian: what I can do now is to correct this issue...
you: Oh good, someone who finally understands.
Christian: i will have to ask our administrator to fix this report ASAP
you: Well, why don't you teach Christian to correct the issue, so I don't (and no one else has to ) talk to you again, and the problem can JUST GET SOLVED?
you: Or is this too much to ask in this IT world?
Christian: we deeply apologize for the inconveniece
Christian: we have to forward this to our Admins to get this resolved immediately
you: Oh, I know you do. The question is, how many times are you going to hit Christian HARD with a shovel in the head for being a retard...
you: and when is this going to be fixed?
Christian: i will personally follow this up to the admins
Christian: give us at least 24 hours
you: And, being a web designer who directs people to this company for hosting, why should I EVER DO IT AGAIN?
Christian: i understand exactly how you feel
you: I mean honestly, I have dogs who, while they lick their own non-existent balls, could do a better job than Christian.
Christian: we'll correct this issue immediately
you: Did I mention the mutt's name was Christian?
you: Immediately being what, five days?
Christian: 24 hours
you: Lovely.
you: Where's Christian?
you: Crying in the Womens' Room?
Christian: Is there anything that I can help you with?
you: No, I would just like Christina to know that this call is why he will ALWAYS be a CSR1 level guy.
Christian: i'll take note of that sir
you: Hey, Crissy: You are there because I am here, and DON'T tell me it's something I just didn't understand.
you: Sweet. And I will take note of it as well.
you: You have a lovely night.
Christian: you too
Christian: Thank you and have a great day!
you: I'll be expecting dem updated reports 'n' such in 24 hours.
you: dank yoo!
Christian: You're welcome :)

I just fucking HATE PEOPLE...

CLICK HERE TO GO BACK TO THE VICTIM INDEX, OR JUST KEEP SCROLLING

Chuck The Golf Club Guy

(June 2002)

I had to sell my golf clubs.  It's not that I wanted to, but there were several mitigating factors in the decision:

1.  They're nice clubs, and would fetch some decent cash;
2.  I'm out of work, and cash is a good thing, especially when I have $800 worth of bills to pay;
3.  I've gone out golfing ONCE in the last three years.  ONCE;
4.  I'm a piece of shit golfer.

So, two weeks ago, I sent out an e-mail to everyone I know saying that I was selling them.  For the record, they're Taylor Made woods and Ping Zing I-2 Green Dot irons.  If you know anything about golf, you probably just got a slight erection.  I was trying to make it easy, so I said I'd take $500, even though I could have gotten a few hundred more than that had I the time to wait it out, but seeing as how my last job wasn't paying dick to begin with, and now I wasn't even getting dick, I would take a shot in the shorts for a quick cash transaction.  I had two people express interest, both of whom were forwarded the message from someone I know.  One actually followed through.  He lives in San Diego.  However, since the clubs were going to have to be shipped, he asked if I would take $450 and he'd pay the shipping.

For the record: the driver, one club in the set, costs $550 brand new.  I used the clubs once.  Even if you drop the value in half for it being swung 15 times, that means he was getting the rest of the clubs for $175.  Any golfer would probably brain me right now for agreeing.  However, at the time, I figured that it had been a week, no one else had expressed interest, and $450 was better than trying to pay my gas bill with a 3-iron.  So, I agreed.

Yes, I though about eBay, but clubs there didn't seem to be selling very high at all, and a bird in the hand is better than two up your ass.

So I told him to send the money from his bank to my account.  I gave him the ABA routing number and account number.  He responded with:

Sounds good. A couple things to wrap it up:

1. Will you send your full name, address, phone number in advance of the sending the money. You should have all my info, but it is XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Address sent previously.

2. Are the clubs standard or have they been cut down or customized in any way? I'm 6' 2" so if the clubs have been cut down for someone, say 5' 9" it might be a problem.

3. I'd like a window to check out the clubs (say 7 days after receipt) in which I can return for a refund if they aren't as billed. I'm not anticipating any issues, if there are I'll let you know right away. Obviously you'll have the money in advance, I just want some window of re-course for a refund for some odd case scenario I didn't anticipate.

Other than that I can send money tomorrow if we are agreed and this information is exchanged.

Thanks,
Chuck

I agreed: hell, they're great clubs.  Unless you suck like me, then you might as well be hitting a soccer ball with a broomstick out there.  He then e-mailed me back:

My bank and Western Union want almost 10% of the wire. Can I just send you a check today?

Yes, fine, I told him, I just wanted it as a cashier's check or a money order, not a personal check.  Call me kooky, I wanted secured funds.  So the envelope arrives, and it is... ta da da DUM!  A personal check.  I then had a lapse of sanity and sent the clubs without waiting for the check to clear (as of right now, it hasn't been returned, lucky me).

The next day, one of the guys that I originally sent the e-mail to called me and said that another guy we both know was interested, and that he would give me $750.  FUUUUUUUUUUUCK.  Well, too late, I already sent the clubs, but I told him that if the guy sends them back, I'd sell them to him.  I had a $300 headache right after that.

Yesterday I get the following e-mail:

Kenny,

<< Anyone need a set of golf clubs? Taylor Made woods (320 driver graphite shaft, 10.5 degrees, 200 3 and 5 woods), Ping-Zing I-2 Green Dot irons 2-SW, Ping-Zing Cushin 3 putter, bag, everything, $500 (it's a $2000 set of clubs). >>

The clubs arrived, but no bag. Is that being sent separately? I was expecting it as well based on the above.

-Chuck

Now technically, I owed him the bag.  I forgot that it was part of the deal when I shipped .  However, I wasn't really feeling magnanimous at this point, since he Jewed me 10% off the original WAY FUCKING LOW price and sent me a friggin' personal check.  Besides, the bag is just an old bag - a pro bag, but with someone else's name stitched into it.  And we're talking about a FUCKING GOLF BAG - it's not like I didn't send the driver.  So I told him that he'd be better off just buying another bag - which he would.  Unless he changes his name to Mike Wallner (the name on the bag).

I am still expecting the bag as that was clearly included as part of the deal. I expected that it was included in the shipping cost as well based on the the fact that the sale was for everything in the itemized list and you priced the shipping for the sum total.

The payment for all items assumed the bag is the same age/condition as the clubs based on the representation. Please send the bag as the oversight was not on my part (and it would have been cheaper to ship all together rather than separately). I still need a bag, as this was part of the deal for a sum total of $500 including shipping as agreed on June 14th.

-Chuck

Now I'm pissed.  He's getting a golfer's dream deal on a virtually brand new set of clubs and he wants me to pay to ship the fucking BAG? Hence, I reply:

I'll make you a counterproposal. You put the clubs back in the box and ship them back to me, I'll send you a cashier's check (unlike the personal check you sent me after I requested a cashier's check or money order) for the original $500 plus the cost of shipping for you to send them back and we'll call it even.

Since he wanted a seven-day window if the sale wasn't as promised, I felt as if I was acting in good faith.  Plus, even after eating the shipping both ways, I still make an extra $200 on the clubs.  I win, he... well, settles for a draw.

My check was good, that is not an issue (and you agreed it was acceptable). I did not plan to buy a new bag as I believed that I had bought a new (used once) bag from you based on our agreement. It is not my obligation to return the clubs, please send the bag.

Below is a link to a used Ping bag and used Taylor Made bag on e-Bay (bidding is at $55 and $84 respectively + S&H). I would accept a refund of $70 in lieu of the bag if you think that would be less expensive than shipping it at this point. (Avg. price of between the two before bidding close).
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1837964108
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1836311963

Thanks,
Chuck

Who the fuck buys a new bag with new clubs?  New clubs go into a old bag just fine (I just had an old lady vision right there).  Oh sure, let me get out a pen and send you a check for $70.  Let's see, that makes my net on the sale $380.  Sorry, I don't seem to have any Vaseline around, would you prefer just wrapping your dick in sandpaper before shoving it in?  Thanks, I'll try not to bleed too much.  I countered:

As per our original agreement, you have seven days to return the clubs if the sale did not meet your original expectations. I seriously doubt that sending the bag will satisfy those expectations. Therefore, under our original agreement, you may, due to your dissatisfaction with the deal, send the clubs back. I will reimburse you for the original $500 PLUS the cost of shipping for you to send them back. No harm, no foul. You get 100% of your money back, I get the clubs back, no harm, no foul.

Once again, reiterating to them the terms of the deal.  I'm not shipping the bag, and I'm not sending him $70.  I never said the bag was "new, only used once."  He should just cut his losses and buy a new bag.

Let me put this into perspective:  if you bought a brand new Gateway 2Ghz computer with all the bells and whistles for $500 from someone who turned it on once and paid $2000 for it, would you bitch that the mousepad didn't come with it?

Sending the bag will satisfy my expectations. The original agreement included the bag. Why not send the bag along? Is it purely a cost issue? We agreed to a deal including the bag and have invested time in completing the transaction. I would prefer to keep the clubs, if the bag is no longer part of the deal a partial reimbursement is reasonable. How much is shipping on the bag, maybe a split on cost?

I'm sure he does prefer to keep the clubs, he probably shot a load into his pants when he opened the box and realized he just committed legalized robbery.  "Have invested time in completing the transaction."  Sent a few e-mails and he mailed a check, I find that to be hardly worthy of a "poor-baby-wanna-take-a-nap-you-look-exhausted" kind of investment of time.  To which I told him so:

The "investing time in completing the transaction" included e-mails and putting a personal check in the mail, hardly what I would consider putting you out for a day. To be honest, I was sour on the deal from the beginning, and the recent communications have done nothing to make it better. My offer stands: send the clubs back, I will reimburse you for all your costs. That is my offer.

I'm not fuckin' budging.  Right now I'll personally drive out there with $500 in cash, get the clubs, pay him, and drive back.  It's a 7 hour drive EACH WAY, so that should tell you how committed I am to severing this deal right now.  That reply was sent 43 minutes ago.  I have yet to receive a reply.  Maybe he realized he's being a cunt and he'll just buy a new bag, and then he can whine like a little girl with a skinned knee to all his friends about the deal, and they can look at him and say, "You fuckin' cheap fuck, deal with it."  UPDATE:  Chuck gave up.  Must've had a smart attack.  I really wanted those clubs back, too.  Fuck it.

CLICK HERE TO GO BACK TO THE VICTIM INDEX