I'm all for being nice to people and respecting the opinions and beliefs of others, but there are some times when people just really need to have the living shit beat out of them.  Unfortunately, they usually hit back.  However, in these cases, the abuse needs to be verbal.  And e-mailed.  So brute physical force is no good.  What is needed is a rapier wit and brutal sarcasm.  This is where I shine.

THE VICTIM LIST
(starting with the most recent)

Sanja Jermolenko (CADQuarters)
Roy Randall
Zoeye_123
Taylor Viuhkola
Jamie Reynolds
Robert Shields
Abiodun Akindele
From The "Nuke 'Em" Page
Jeff from WebSiteSource
Ziad Sartawi
Christian from WebSiteSource
Chuck The Golf Club Guy

And now, without further ado, the abuse.

Sanja Jermolenko (CADQuarters)

(September 2006)

Sanja is a prime example of why I no longer care about, am agreeable towards, or have any interest in going on dates.  Not that I don't like the way girls feel, mind you, it's just that, well, they're all deranged.

Case in point:  Sanja Jermolenko.  My relationship - purely business - with her began a little over a year ago when she hired me to help with a project she had in Midtown.  CADQuarters does "site surveys."  You have an apartment, building, whatever, and for some reason you need blueprints.  But you lost them.  Or, the building has been remodeled in the interim and the plans are out of date.  We would go in, measure everything, and make new plans.  I was the Measure Monkey.  My job was to give the measurements so the plans would come out right, and not like a crazed three year-old with a Sharpie had a seizure.  The job took two months (ten hours a day, every day save four), and afterwards Sanja continued to ask me to help with jobs.

Fast forward to this last August 8th.  We were supposed to measure a building in Washington Heights.  The way it worked was thus:  Sanja and I measured the architectural (walls, doors, etc.), and another girl measured the electrical (where outlets and plus and shit were in the room).  This would require us having at the bare minimum one laser measurer and two tape measurers.  I called Sanja as per instructions when I got to the building to find out where they were.  You know when you're talking to someone on the phone and right about the middle of the first word that they utter, you know they're in a shitty mood?  And not just a nebulous sense that could be bad gas misconstrued, no, I mean full-on pissiness.  After I arrived we went into the first apartment.  Sanja has this 99 cent store reject floral bag in which she carries her crap.  I went into it to get a tape measurer, only to find out that she forgot it.

Imagine having a restaurant with a kitchen with three cooks, and you only have one knife.  Imagine how much longer everything is going to take.  When she told me that she forgot it, I took a measured pause and put the bag on the floor.  I didn't gently place it like it was full of Faberge eggs, mind you, I dropped it from a vast height of several inches (like, six), like you drop a backpack or a shitty 99 cent store reject floral bag.  BLAHBLAHBLAH.  I tuned it out.  Immediately, before we get to the second room, the problems start.  Every time I need to measure something too small for the laser to read, I have to put shit down, walk across the apartment, get the tape measurer, walk back, measure the whatever it is, then walk back, give it back to the other girl, walk back, and pick up where I left off.  One could probably intuit how this would become bothersome in a fuckin' hurry.  The third time I yell out, "<name withheld>, I need the tape measure."  AT which point I was notified that I was an asshole and if I was going to act that way I could leave.  And I did.  Don't make me an offer unless you're willing to accept that I may take you up on said offer.  I went home, slept a little, and went to Roslyn to pretend that I like old people (hint: I really kinda don't).  I figured after a couple of days everything would blow over, her little conniption fit would have passed, and all would be calm.  Wrong.

 What you did yesterday was downright disgusting. It ain't my fault that you came to work all grumpy and upset over whatever, I just won't have it taken out on me.

Yes, I forgot the tape. Gee, sometimes people forget stuff. We could have finished the job fine even without it, but when Kenny boy is throwing a tantrum like a 3 year old, there is no reasoning with him or explaining it to him. My Ivan is more mature and has better manners than you.

Next time you throw my bag on the floor or embarrass me in front of other people or I can't finish the job because you're having a bad hair day, you will be out on your ass and without being paid. Everybody can be replaced. You ain't anything special.

No wonder you can't find a regular job. No one with a right mind would put up with your bullshit every day. If I were you, I'd start bulding a nice cardboard box and scouting the homeless shelters in town cuz that's exactly where you're heading with this attitude.

Hmmm... not quite "blown over," was it?  Well, it's not like I really liked the psychotic bitch anyway (going back to the first job we did), so I decided to take the following attitude:

Why don't you just send me a check for the 15 hours you owe me and we'll call it a day?

I refuse to get into a pissing match.

Of course, the pissing match was just starting.

How about I don't.

You couldn't finish work Friday, so I suggested you go home as you weren't capable of doing anything. Then you cancelled Monday. Then you threw the tantrum Tuesday and left work. Now you're pulling out of the job altogether and I have a deadline? Oh and you don't want a "pissing match" but you CAN screw people over any way you want?

So lemme see... My day is $500. You cost me more than that so far on this job. So how about I invoice you for at least those $200?

You REALLY are a total asshole.

First of all... yes, I am a total asshole.  Any female on Earth will attest to that, and I won't put up the slightest bit of a defense.  The "Friday" to which she refers was a four-hour day.  And how I "cost" her anything is up for debate.  If you're a fuckin' idiot, you would debate it.

And once again, I refuse to lower myself to you.

By the way, if I do not receive a check from you within 15 days from right now, I will file in small claims court against you for the $300, and if necessary I will name Stella and the building super as witnesses that I was present for those days and times. I promise you, you do not want to fuck with me.

Now I'm just hoping she goes away.  After mailing me what she owes, of course.  However, she wouldn't shut the fuck up:

Then I'll sue you for leaving work and not finishing the job as promised. I'll submit your emails as proof promising when you were gonna show up for work.  Every day you were absent I'll demand $500 and for every day I missed the deadline cuz of you I'll demand another $500.

Now do you want to fuck with me?

Nice try, too bad that life doesn't work that way.

You now have five days to mail a check. I am an independent contractor and under no legally binding agreement to you or anyone on where I will be and when. If you honestly think that your defense will hold up in court, then more power to you.

You want to leave it to a judge, fine by me. Just let me know right now and I'll file the paperwork tomorrow.

Now I'm starting to get pissed.  I start collecting all the e-mails in preparation for having to sue her for a lousy fuckin' $300.

I have no idea what you're talking about. We never had a contract and I ain't seen you showing up for work. Would you like me to play that?

Or howzabout I tell the judge about your li'l bankruptcy scheme and bring Stella as a witness? I'm sure they would LOVE to know about your little fraud. I could tell them that I paid cash for your personal trainer services and also ask how come IRS lets some people get away without paying taxes.

I'm sure you don't want THAT pissing match. Which, BTW, you deserve. I gave you a job when you didn't have a pot to piss in. This is what I get in return?

Rule Number One:  if you're planning on giving false testimony under oath, don't write your intentions down and send them to someone.  Especially when that someone is the plaintiff.  Oh, and my little "bankruptcy scheme" was me filing bankruptcy.  And by the way, I didn't falsify anything, just in case you were wondering.  And I did, in fact, have the aforementioned pot to which she refers.  I hope you have a snack, this may take a while...

Fraud? Your e-mail to me regarding your plan to lie about "I paid cash for your personal trainer services" is pretty much blown up by the fact that YOU JUST WROTE IT THE FUCK DOWN.

OK, so you call the IRS and they see that I've filed my taxes in a timely fashion. Everything else you mentioned is coming out your ass and will be seen as such when I tell anyone and everyone that it is in order to get out of paying someone who did work for you.

And then I will call every architect on the eastern seaboard and tell some stories of my own.

What game did you want to play again?

All this for three bills?  It was almost starting to not be worth it.  But, it continued:

F-R-A-U-D. Is when you make up bankruptcy. Ever heard of that? I did. Stella did. You told us. You were bragging up and down how you won't be paying the 30K you owe millions of creditors.

In the meantime you were charging people cash and never reporting it. You said it yourself. Your clients can testify.

Comprende?

"And once again, I refuse to lower myself to you."

Uh-huh. Lower yourself. Throwing my bag and screaming at me in someone's house with that person present was taking the HIGH ROAD?

You couldn't lower yourself if your life depended on it cuz there ain't no lower place to go than a cave you grew up in.

Now, I was trying to be a good boy and follow the Marquis of Queensbury rules, but she was sniping at my family now.  It was a damn nice cave, thankyouveryverymuch, so fuck you.  Thirty grand, millions of creditors, well, at least one number was right.  My clients can testify.  I also keep track of what I make in a day (just in the event of such an action by the IRS) and haven't reported what I made this year because... well... it's still THIS YEAR.  When it's NEXT YEAR, I will report what I made THIS YEAR.

No. FRAUD is:

A deception deliberately practiced in order to secure unfair or unlawful gain.
A piece of trickery; a trick.

One that defrauds; a cheat.
One who assumes a false pose; an impostor.

How did I "make up" bankruptcy? Are you completely delusional? And it's slightly less than "millions of creditors." And that is what bankruptcy does - it allows people who cannot pay their debts a chance to wipe the slate clean. And you're right. I am charging people cash. And no, I'm not reporting it, because none of it occurred in 2005. All of my money - which I have kept immaculate records of - that I have made through training - and the related expenses - WILL be reported in 2006 when they are supposed to be.

Now, if you're done, write a check and put it in the mail. Or I will be at small claims court on Monday filing against you. And then you can pay the $300 plus the court fees plus the filing fees plus interest. And when you don't pay me after that, I will go to a city marshal, and they will seize your bank accounts and extract the money you owe me plus the court fees plus the filing fees plus interest plus a little extra for their time and effort. And then you can cry FRAUD at the top of your lungs.

It's one thing to have such a tête-à-tête with someone with the slightest sliver of intelligence, but this is just like fighting with a five year-old.  Luckily, I have the ability to lower myself to the level of a five year-old.

Asshole, I told you. You will get your 200. You can't read?

Fraud is when you claim you don't have money which you did at the time of the bankruptcy except you didn't report it as it was cash. YOU TOLD ME THIS YOURSELF DUMBO!!!!

They will check with your clients so don't worry who's right. I'll pay your money and then call the court. For no reason at all... Just for fun as you deserve it.

Payback's a bitch.

First of all, for all you IRS agents, what I claimed at the time I filed was the truth.  Second, it was $300, not $200.  Third, did any of you read ANYTHING ANYWHERE that said she was sending it?  Or are all of you illiterate assholes like me?

$300. Not $200.

Five days.

And apparently I CAN'T read. Or, more specifically, you can't write. Because in not one of your e-mails did you mention actually paying. I can send them back to you and you can re-read them if you'd like.

Now start writing.

Sometimes, there is beauty in simplicity.  Unfortunately, a new e-mail was a-brewin':

$200. You showed up Friday and did hardly any work.  Sue me if you want for a 100 but I will not pay for work not done.

And it will be 2 weeks as usual, not 5 days.

Kenneth, you're screwed. Big time. The judge will love the fraud part. Your ass is going to jail, or at the very least there will be hell to pay. Pardon the pun.

She wants two weeks, fine.  Allow me to retort:

Thursday July 27th 9am-2:30pm = 5.5 hours

Friday July 28th 9am-2:30pm = 5.5 hours

Friday August 4th 9:30am-1:30pm = 4 hours

TOTAL = 15 hours

I'll worry about whatever bullshit letters and phone calls you want to write. You just worry about learning how to add to 15, then multiplying by 20, then putting a dollar sign in front of it.

And when I have documents from the court stating that you swear your allegations are true, and then they find out that their not, you will find yourself in a good pile of shit, because if I can't sue you for harassment and false accusation, at the very least the courts will want to know why you are bearing false witness. They may do a little investigating of their own into you. Be careful what game you try playing.

You now have two weeks.

Did you think it ended there?  Pshaw:

They can do ALL the investigating they want. I pay my taxes, I don't have debt, the company never owed anyone a dime, the company pays taxes and doesn't have debt... They can investigate or audit until hell freezes over, everything's by the book.

Now you are another story... You had clients and were charging cash DURING the bankruptcy proceedings. YOU said it yourself. In your words: they think I have no
money because everything I get is cash and none of that ever sees a bank. YOU were telling me all about filing bankruptcy because I said I didn't know anything about it as I never needed it and do not intend to.

I think she was confusing this conversation with one with her imaginary friends (see her lawyer later).  OK, my turn:

All that matters is PRIOR to the bankruptcy proceedings.

All you had to do was ask me to go to a 99cent store and buy a straight ruler. You were in a shitty mood when I called you on the phone, you were in a shitty mood when I got there, and you're in a shitty mood now. You're the one who fired off the shitty e-mail this morning, not me. I avoided saying or writing anything after yesterday because I just assumed everything would blow over. You made sure it didn't. When you can prove that my "actions" almost cost you the job let me know. And when you can somehow find a lawyer that thinks "throwing" your bag is a legitimate litigious reason, best of luck. And if you really want to start mudslinging, let me know. I will contact every architectural firm within a thousand miles telling them you show up late for jobs and overbill them for hours, and I will post on Craigslist a hundred times a day that you are a mean selfish bitch who doesn't pay her people and threatens to rat them out for whatever reason, real or imagined, that she can think of. Try hiring someone off of there after THAT.

Or, you can just write the damn check and be done with it.

It's your mouth and fingers that started this, not me.

And please, stop writing me about this. It's getting boring.

And it was.  I just wanted to get on with the day.  And I know, some of you will say, "But all you had to do was walk away from the computer," yeah, but I wanted my damn money.

Freddie, I mean Kenny, you're an idiot. I know it.  Stella knows it. Everybody who worked on the Rihga knows it.

My mood was perfectly fine yesterday and all days. You started the whole damn thing with screaming at me and throwing my bag. Stella was there you dumb idiot! And
this wasn't your first time, either.

I think you have some posting to do now. I think you have some phone calls to make. Please do. By all means do. I would LOVE it if you did. I would really, really love it if you did. Especially since you emailed to tell me you would. That wasn't all that smart, you know.

If by saying her mood was "perfectly fine" "all days," she meant that she was a forty-something delusional bitch, then yes, she was fine that day and all days.  I mean, her mood at the very first e-mail was very pleasant, don't you agree?

Just mail my check, Jesus Christ, you sound like a retard.

Almost done.  For this day.

I was gonna... But now that you wrote this... Hmmm... I don't think so.

So let me get this straight:  she was going mail a check for something that she claims she doesn't have to.  So which is it, she wasn't going to pay me because of some imaginary transgression on my part, or she was going to pay me?

Well, wait fifteen days, see what happens.

This was becoming a battle royale.

Not a problem. I can wait. But you won't have to wait that long to see what happens. Made a couple of phone calls and had a blast.

For those of you keeping score at home, I'm still waiting.  So, the first round ended with the score, Going To Court 1, Getting Paid 0.  I waited two weeks like she said.  Then I waited a few more days.  And when a check was still not forthcoming, Round Two began (ding ding):

I trust that you have kept to your word and not sent the check for $300 representing what you owe me for work done. Now, trust me in keeping my word of filing against you in small claims court. Have a nice day.

To which she replied:

So you are actually begging for $300 that you didn't earn... How pathetic is that...

Very pathetic if that were true.  Even more so that you laid claim - twice - that you were going to pay me.  So, if I'm lying about what she owed me and she claimed twice she was going to pay it, who's the bigger dummy?

I'm not begging. I'm suing. And a judge will decide who earned what. See you in court.

I can play that game, filing a small claims court case is easy, a monkey could do it.

Chop-chop. And screen your calls. You never know who might be looking for you these days... ;)

Be it known that not then, not now, and at no time in the future will I be trembling.

Too bad "I don't like him" is not a valid legal defense for not paying someone what you owe them.

See you in Queens in a few days.

A nice hour subway ride for her.  If I could have found a less convenient court for her to have to go to (yet not more inconvenient for me), I would have done it, but I didn't feel like driving to Staten Island.  And paying the toll on the Verrazano.

Sorry. I'm busy and don't think I'll be coming to Queens any time soon.

"I don't like him" is not the reason. It's more like "he's a total asshole who thinks he can do whatever he wants, who has NO manners or common decency whatsoever
and who treats people that were good to him like shit".

I had no idea that being fat as a kid can do all this to you. Get help.

Again, yes, I'm an asshole ("total" may be going a wee bit far), but I'm not sure that Allan Ginsberg would have used such a ploy in court.

Still not a valid legal defense for failure to pay me the $300 you owe me.

See you in court in Queens.

Short, sweet, and to the point.  And no, I wasn't describing my willy.

Oh... Before I forget... My lawyer is preparing a suit against you... For jeopardizing the job, generally acting like a ghetto punk in public and therefore giving the company a bad name. Stella and the tenant from 1F agreed to testify.

I'll be asking for 20K. Or more... I have to see what the lawyer says. Better start selling everything you own. I don't think filing for bankruptcy twice is gonna fly... Especially when the judge hears about the first one during the proceedings...

Oh well. You should have learned by now that you can't push people around. You ain't that smart.

First of all:  yes, I am that smart.  Second, you don't need to be smart to push people around, just be a bully.  Which sounds like my pen pal.  And you can't sue me for "jeapordizing the job" when you told me I could come back to work (somewhere in the first e-mail) if I just apologized.  Yeah, like that was gonna happen.  And the tenant to whom she referred only speaks Spanish.  So I don't know how here non-Spanish speaking self managed to get him to agree to anything.

Your attorney must like wasting his time.

I find short, succinct answers generally piss people off in such a diatribe.

I'll see you in court in Manhattan right after that.

20K.

Whatfuckinever.

Yeah, well, that's all well and good, but if you try suing me based on THAT reasoning, you'll have to prove that (a) you lost the job - which you didn't, (b) it was a direct result of me, and (c) that you didn't finish the job and get paid for it. Because I will subpoena bank records, residents from the building, and everyone that was involved. And when the judge sees your frivolous lawsuit for what it is - a personal vendetta and not a legal matter - he will throw it out. And then I will sue you for legal fees, punitive damages, and whatever else I can think of. Oh, and then I will file a sexual harassment suit against you, because of all those times that you asked me to strip for you, in front of Stella, in front of Angela... and I'm sure Angela will remember those incidents rather well. And I will file for more than $20k.

So, what do you want to do: pay me the $300 you owe me while I can still cancel the suit, or play a game of frivolous lawsuits? It would be much cheaper just to pay the money you owe me.

God, I tire of this.  Really.  You may think (assuming you're still reading), "Why does he like conflict so?"  I don't.  I'd much rather be doing anything than fight with someone.  Sometimes, however, some people just need to be belittled, especially when they owe you three hondo.

Oooohhh, I'm shaking in my bright yellow shirt...!

I had no idea you graduated from law school. Since the tenants complained about you, there ARE grounds. My lawyer knows all that you wrote here and is not concerned. He's going forward as planned...

Hmmm... Fraud, sexual harassment on YOUR part (guess who the judge is gonna believe), not actually DOING the work for which you want money (being physically present doesn't count), giving the company a bad name... Gee, I'm gonna have a field day in court. And more money in my pocket.

I can't wait!

Now, if anyone can show me a case where the employer sued an employee with sexual harassment and won, please forward it to me.  To be honest, I had no intention of following through with any of the revenge tactics to which I had referred earlier, I was just trying to get my fucking money.  And the thought of her in a bright yellow shirt shaking... all that goo... eech, I think I just puked into my mouth.

Perhaps you would like to give me his name, I want to make sure he spells my name right.

Now that you have (1) admitted to the amount that you owe me and (b) admitted that your proposed lawsuit is based on bogus grounds, it is I that will have his day in the field.

Thank you.

What a dumb bitch.

Comprehension skills... How did you graduate from college? If you did at all, which is questionable.

Now buzz off cuz you're boring me and I have stuff to do.

And buzz off I did.  It was blatantly obvious even to me at that point that any further typing was a wasted expenditure of brain cells.  The next day I went to Queens Civil Court, paid the fifteen bucks, and got myself a nice little court date.  The next day I e-mailed her a scan of the info from the court, just in case she tried to play off that I had the wrong address and postpone the case a couple of months.

I don't know what you're talking about. Are you crazy?  I just mailed you your check for $300 just like I wrote yesterday that I would.

If you want to extort more money, beware because I will sue you so bad you won't see the light of day anytime soon.

Oh and... My lawyer says that since I mailed the check today, if I don't see the PROOF that the claim had been withdrawn by the end of the week, he will take you to the cleaners for harassment and everything else. He sounded mad. I don't like it when he's mad. Someone always gets hurt and it ain't ever me.

"Just like I wrote yesterday that I would."  Did you read that anywhere?  At all?  This was the 29th.  According to her delusional e-mail, she mailed it on the 28th.  However, the envelope was postmarked the 30th.  Which isn't the 28th.  And is also another bullshit lie.

It's small claims court. There are no attorneys in small claims court. Your attorney should know that. Unless your attorney is your imaginary friend. Six feet tall, big ears, named Harvey? I don't think they allow rabbits in court, but you can check on the website.

I think her attorney is the same person as the 28 year-old she claimed she was sleeping with and was stalking her.  Believe me: if there was only one female on Earth and it was her, every guy on the planet to a man would be taking shots in the mouth.  There isn't enough vodka in the United States to drink her pretty.  Or thin.  Or make her smell better.  But I digress.  What I'm getting at is that her lawyer is a figment of her imagination.

Reading 101

It is time we learn to read so we can know what people tell us. I wrote this:

My lawyer says that since I mailed the check today, if I don't see the PROOF that the claim had been withdrawn by the end of the week, he will take you to the cleaners for harassment and everything else.

Where does it say that my lawyer is gonna take you to the small claims court? It says CLEANERS. That's a figure of speech for taking everything you own. And that is over $5,000 so cannot be for small claims.

Comprende dumbshit? I don't speak asshole so I can translate it to you...

Remember, I will need PROOF.

If you keep sending me the same email with the copy of that document over and over again, I'll have to report you to Yahoo as spam that you are.

One, suing someone does not qualify as harassment.  Second, I thought she mailed it yesterday?  Didn't she say she mailed it YESTERDAY?  I just looked.  It still says "yesterday."  So, was it yesterday or today?  As we all know it was "tomorrow."  But "I mailed the check tomorrow" doesn't work well.  And as to what document she said I was e-mailing over and over, I wasn't.  Again, one more for the loony bin.

What are they going to do, send that guy to yodel Yahoo! Over and over outside my house? And what exactly are you talking about? Forgot the pills today, did we?

Yeah, well, while you're teaching Polack 101, why don't you go through all those e-mails you sent me and find the one where it says you're mailing the check. Because I have all of them here, and I read all of them, and I'll be damned if I can find it. Then again, English is my mother tongue, not that garbled bullshit of a language you speak natively that sounds like you're not so much saying the words as you are chewing them up and spitting them out. I am assuming that by now you have failed miserably in your attempt to find the e-mail where you said you were mailing the check. Because with all those e-mails basically daring me to sue you, you must have forgot to write it. Understandable. You did it at Righa all the time, thinking you told Anthony or myself things and you didn't. It's one thing to accuse someone of not following directions when it was verbal and there was no record of the conversation, quite another to proclaim you wrote something that you never did. Of course, you're perfect and everyone else is screwed up. Anthony, Trish, me, Angela, Frank, the French guy, and whoever else you have complained about ad nauseum. Either the entire world is fucked, or you're fucked. Vegas always puts the odds against it being the world. I'm not perfect and I'll be the first and second to admit that, but you my dear are gone. Out the door. Gone fishin'. Lights on, no one home.

You'll get the PROOF when I get the CHECK and it clears. Since I have no PROOF you did shit, you can WANT all you want. That will take fifteen business days. You know how slow banks can be sometimes. Just about as slow as you paying me in the first place, assuming you really did. After all, you claim you wrote me an e-mail saying you were mailing it and you did no such thing, how do I know you actually sent it at all? So, when/if it shows up, I will go and cash it, and when it doesn't come back bouncing or with a hold after fifteen business days, I will go down to the court and GLADLY withdraw the suit. However, until that day happens, figure out what E train you have to take to get to court by 6 p.m. on October 17.

Your lawyer sounds like a winner. If he exists. Which I doubt. There's a cleaners right around the corner to take me. I like extra starch in the white shirts. Otherwise, tell your imaginary lawyer to keep his imaginary mouth shut.

Tense, are we?  Now I'm in the fuckin' sandbox.

Too long to read. There are no paragraphs so it looks like one long drug induced rant...

Learn to read and write so you may communicate your thoughts. As scattered as they are.

And there it ended.  Round Two, we're waiting for the unofficial scoring from our panel.  The check showed up yesterday.  Seems the Labor Day holiday slowed things a bit.  So I got this today:

So by now you have received the check and deposited it. By Friday I'll expect to see proof that the claim has been withdrawn. I don't get it, my lawyer files suit first thing Monday, regardless of what you do next.

God, you are stupid. No wonder Angela was making fun of you to no end last summer... Hey, at least you gave all of us some good laughs, so it can't be that bad.

Rule Number Two:  if you're going to try and get under someone's skin by bringing up a sore subject (i.e. "Angela"), you should make sure that the sore subject is still sore.  And now that we've gone completely to "she said you're a doo-doohead"-style assaults, I fired thusly:

Yeah, I just got it yesterday. Once I deposit it (may be today or tomorrow), then I am going to wait fifteen business days as I previously stated to make sure it clears. You know, so it doesn't bounce or you put a stop on it or something sneaky like that. Then, after fifteen business days (which should be 27 September 2006), when it hasn't come back on me, I will be thrilled to death to go down to the courthouse and rescind the suit.

Until then you and your "lawyer" can sit and fucking spin. You made me wait over a month for this, plus having to file a small claims suit against you just so you would send the check in the first place, plus the aggravation of dealing with you via numerous vitriolic e-mails, now I'm gonna make your fat ass wait.

By the way, your pathetic attempts at insults are... well... pathetic. Like you. Anthony was right about you. You really are a Polack.

Two can play the fake name drop game.  So I went to work and came home to:

It doesn't take 15 (fifteen) business days for a check to clear after you deposit it. Every idiot (except you) knows that. Both banks are in NYC so you either have the money after 3 business days or you don't.

But go ahead. Wait.

So Anthony says I'm a Polack. Interesting. That's probably why he begged for more work? And that's probably why Angela got all the stuff and money from you while she could and never dated you?

I'm tired, I'm in all kinds of pain, I'm really fuckin' cranky (like more than usual), and in my weakness I wrote:

You're a Polack. You've always been a Polack. My bank is based In Washington (the state you Polack, go find a fucking map), so everything clears through there. So fuck you and your three days, you're gonna wait fifteen. You're lucky I don't just hold the case open and make you drag your sorry ass to Queens so I can cancel it at the last second and inconvenience you and your ugly fat Spandex fucking three dollar pants.

When the 28 year-old gets his sense of sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch back, let me know, I wanna find out what he says when he realizes he's been with Jabba The Hutt's ugly sister. Then again, he's probably the same as your lawyer - invisible, imaginary, and in your head only. And again, if you're going to try and aggravate me by rubbing salt in an open wound, make sure there's still a wound. Go on and talk all you want about Angela, I really don't care. At least she didn't smell like Fulton Fish Market in the middle of July like some Serbian Polacks I know. You keep it up, your kid's gonna end up with a dripping cock in his mouth faster than you can say Jackie Robinson. Better get the subway map to Christopher Street for him now so he doesn't get lost.

Do me a favor you forty-something, chain-smoking, odiferous frightfest from the ninth circle of Dante's Hell and just go the fuck away. Really. I deposited the check, and in a few weeks (if I damn well fucking feel like it) I will rescind the court case, and then you can go about butchering the English language in a way that makes Charo sound intelligible. With your son, the future master of ceremonies for the Halloween Parade in the Village.

Then I went to bed.  I didn't care with what she responded, if she even did.  I was really sore, really tired, and I don't even remember my head hitting the pillow.  However, there was a response:

Gee, what trailer did you grow up in? That's a mighty long rant... You don't have anything better to do than insult children? For that alone there will be hell to pay. What you say to me is laughable at best, but my son? Nope, you shouldn't have said that.

And there, my friends, is the chink in the armor, the drainpipe in the wall of the keep, set the charges and run like hell.  Dirty pool, yes, but I don't always follow the Marquis of Queensbury rules.  A few swift, follow-through kicks to the nuts should end this:

Why shouldn't I have said that, because it's true? You've probably always had a sneaking suspicion your little boy was going to grow up to be fine young woman. Your little boy Yvonne, he's so smart, he probably gets into so many fights in school because he won't swallow. He'll learn, though. You could teach him how, I assume you're excellent at knob-gobbling, after all, all fat women are.

And no, I don't have anything better than to insult YOU. YOU are the dumb cunt who started this, you fat, useless, arrogant bitch. To be honest with you, I would have to potentially rescind the term "bitch," because that word generally applies to women, and I'm not sure that you qualify. I've seen homeless transvestites that bear more of a resemblance to anything (a) human and (b) female than you. But that's OK, when your "son" Yvonne grows up, he can teach you a few beauty tips he learned in cosmetology school. Actually, considering the canvas with which he will be working, he will need a lot of tips. A LOT of them. Wow, is he gonna need a lot. He probably won't even know where to start. He may need his boyfriend to help him.

Now, I would like you to keep one thing FIRMLY in that soiled little sponge between your ears that you laughingly refer to as a brain:

I am no longer taking e-mails from you. Anything coming from any of your e-mail accounts will be immediately deleted. I don't want to hear from you, speak to you, and unless it's seeing you standing next to your little Yvonne on the cover of The Village Voice (he'll be the more feminine-looking one), I don't want to see you, either. I have my money, I'm done with you. The only difference between you and a pile of steaming, maggot-ridden dog shit is that the dog shit doesn't keep sending me e-mails. And it smells better, albeit slightly. Looks? It's a toss-up.

So be it known right fuckin'-a here and now - I am not reading anything more from you. I'm not going to write you another e-mail. You can go on and on in your definitely-gonna-be-deleted response that you are no doubt crafting in your "mind" about me, Angela, your lawyer, what you're gonna do, and it's going to be roundly deleted without me ever seeing it. Ever. Thank God for Norton Anti-Spam.

Now fuck off, you cunt.

So, there we stand:  me with a check in my wallet which will be deposited today, and I'm sure some "you're a big fat doodoohead" e-mail waiting for me when I get home tonight.  God, I hate people sometimes...

Roy Randall

(June 2004)

Roy had issues with the "Nuke 'Em" page.  In particular the story of the dad and the nine-year old son living next door to the asshole.  I won't repeat it here, if you're that interested, go read it there.  Roy mustered up his third-grade writing skills and sent me an e-mail.  Which would be acceptable if Roy was in the third grade.  But I don't think he is.  Now, it is quite easy to take a critical stance of the Iraq situation, and I'm not going to get into a political tirade here (apart from our correspondence), but at least show some brains:

A year later and the now 10 year old asks his dad.  Dad, that evil man who beat the hell out of his wife is now in prison, I guess, but unfortunately all of his kids were killed in the ensuing assault by your vigilantes, after all the cops didn't want to do anything.  What relatives survived have had to live in absolute squalor, no one has brought forth the simple security these people had with this asshole that is now in custody somewhere.  People who were just in the right place at the wrong time have been humiliated and even assaulted by the same people who were suppose to be rescuing them. 

 

I hate to seem so mean hearted to something that was probably meant to be positive but there is no justification for what we have done.  This asshole, "W", not the other asshole, has done nothing to protect this country.  If anything he has made it more dangerous to be an American then it was before 17 January 2001.  If you don't believe me, ask yourself this very simple question.  How many people were predicting a major act of terrorism before the last election.  Not a single one.  Everyday now I hear of impending doom, thanks to a large part to that asshole "W".  I hate no man, but I hate there actions.  You and your diatribe has shown your obvious lack of compassion of your fellow human being who just so happen to be Arab or Muslim.  After all it was a white asshole who bombed OK City building, should I hate myself, nope. I don't think so.  "W" will not win another term so this will in the end be just another history lesson, hopefully we will learn.  I don't put too much stock in it though because for the most part there isn't a hell of lot intelligence involved in any of your points.  It's mostly, they did to us so we stick back to them.  What's a few thousand did Iraqi anyway.  They didn't deserve this war anymore then those 2,800 deserved to die on 9/11.  Nobody deserves it but look what happens when ignorance takes over.

 

Roy

Now, when I got this, I was trying to go to sleep.  Or find the lack of energy required.  Unfortunately, it wasn't happening.  I was going to wait until morning to answer, when I could be fresh and sharp, but I decided to fire off a half-thought out rebuttal:

To say that the Iraqi people "live in squalor" now is to assume that it was all roses and happiness for them before. What "simple security" DID they have that they now DON'T? The security of a police state that kills en masse and buries them in the desert? Was there justification to remove Saddam Hussein? Yes, absolutely, anyone who thinks he was in any way a decent leader or person needs to have his head examined. Did we need to use WMDs to justify it? I don't think it lends any credibility to our end goal to lie, no, but it sure did expedite things. Then again, why didn't he say, "Here, go ahead, look wherever you want, here's the keys to the basement, look under the couch, look wherever you want, there's nothing?" If he had done that, Saddam might - MIGHT - still be ordering mass executions of his own people and getting richer off the oppression of his own people today. Do I think that we're - again - losing the peace? Yes. Things could have been - SHOULD have been - done differently. No one is going to argue that politics and bureaucracy has screwed up the postwar scenario.

As for "how many people were predicting a major act of terrorism before the last election," well, none did. Publicly, anyway. But before the last election there wasn't a huge hole in the ground on West Street. Before the last election there were 2800 people who went home to their families every night. "Everyday now I hear of impending doom, thanks to a large part to that asshole 'W'." Yes, you're right. It's all his fault. We started all of this, right? It's not, "thanks to Al-Qaeda." Because NOTHING has happened since 9/11/2001, right? No one but us has done a thing. Wow, what the fuck was I thinking? My "obvious lack of compassion" for my fellow human being who happens to be Arab or Muslim? You mean the ones who work at the corner store I go to every day or the Arabs and Muslims who slit Nick Berg's throat, or the ones who sorted out non-Muslims in Khobar and killed 22 of them? The Arabs and Muslims who work next door to me that I talk to every day, or the ones threatening airliners, telling Muslims to stay away from Western airlines, and oh by the way, I'm flying on the 16th and 21st of June, on American Airlines, I may be a high-risk target, but hey, that's OK, right? Yes, it was a white asshole who bombed the building in Oklahoma City. And? If I remember correctly, he's now turning into lawn fertilizer. Osama hasn't met the same fate. Yet. Whether "W" wins another term or not will be decided the first Tuesday in November. Or maybe, like last year, sometime in January, who knows. Personally, I'm not sure Kerry would be any better, or any worse. And it's nice to accuse me of not showing a "hell of a lot of intelligence" in any of my points, but please, tell me a few of those "points" you are at odds with that don't show a lot of intelligence. And is there something so REALLY wrong with "they did it to us so we stick it back to them"? Or are you that much of a pacifist that someone can punch you in the face and you wouldn't hit back? And I believe you meant "dead" Iraqis, not "did" Iraqis, but with all the syntax flaws in your "intelligent" letter... well, I'll just leave that alone. And who exactly DIDN'T deserve this war? The Iraqi troops, who under the great Saddam Hussein committed atrocities against both their own people and their neighbors for decades? Or the Iraqi citizens that won't end up in mass graves at the hands of their benevolent now-ex-leader Uncle Saddam?

And just remember, you live in a country that allows you the freedom to express your views without the fear of being imprisoned, raped, beaten, and/or executed. No matter how far up your ass your head is when you give said opinion.

I'm done with you now.

--kenny

I was hoping he'd just go away.  He didn't.  Apparently, Roy has insomnia, because two hours later, he fired back.  I've had to reformat the e-mail, because he decided to answer me paragraph by paragraph, but not do it so I could quickly discern between his typing and mine, and in the txt of my letter, not a new one.  For your sake, I've done that.

----- Original Message -----

From: Kenny Stewart

To: 'Roy Randall'

Sent: Monday, June 07, 2004 10:25 PM

Subject: RE: The 9 year old reply

 

To say that the Iraqi people "live in squalor" now is to assume that it was all roses and happiness for them before.  What "simple security" DID they have that they now DON'T?  The security of a police state that kills en masse and buries them in the desert?  Was there justification to remove Saddam Hussein? 

 

No, for a guy with such a high IQ, you sure don't read much obviously, if you read earlier when I first wrote I distinctly remember writing that Saddam was an asshole and he is.  But in blogs with Iraqi at no time have I read any one say they have missed him.  But neither have I read one said they felt safer now.  As an occupying nation, there is a responsibility to provide for the common security which we cannot or don't want to seem to provide, we can't even protect them from our own bad eggs, as it were.  Now you ask the common Iraqi on the streets if you would rather have your relatives killed by Saddam or "W" and I am sure they will come right out and say, why "W" of course.  Your supposedly smarter then that.  Whether your dad was tortured by Saddam or "W" doesn't make a hill of beans to any of them. 

 

Yes, absolutely, anyone who thinks he was in any way a decent leader or person needs to have his head examined.  Did we need to use WMDs to justify it?  I don't think it lends any credibility to our end goal to lie, no, but it sure did expedite things.  Then again, why didn't he say, "Here, go ahead, look wherever you want, here's the keys to the basement, look under the couch, look wherever you want, there's nothing?"  If he had done that, Saddam might - MIGHT - still be ordering mass executions of his own people and getting richer off the oppression of his own people today.  Do I think that we're - again - losing the peace?  Yes.  Things could have been - SHOULD have been - done differently.  No one is going to argue that politics and bureaucracy has screwed up the postwar scenario.

 

As for "how many people were predicting a major act of terrorism before the last election," well, none did.  Publicly, anyway.  But before the last election there wasn't a huge hole in the ground on West Street.  Before the last election there were 2800 people who went home to their families every night.  "Everyday now I hear of impending doom, thanks to a large part to that asshole 'W'."  Yes, you're right.  It's all his fault.  We started all of this, right?  It's not, "thanks to Al-Qaeda."  Because NOTHING has happened since 9/11/2001, right?  No one but us has done a thing.  Wow, what the fuck was I thinking? 

 

Everybody knows 9/11 happened.  Whether or not as you like to think "W" couldn't prevent what happened the fact that as you keep mentioning it was Al-Qaeda.  Not the fucking Iraqi on the street that is being killed everyday because of "W" occupation of his country.  Obviously you have read enough to know that pretty much they were enemies, Saddam and Bin Laden, maybe not.  It seems that all I read is how the Iraqis killed those 2800 people deserve to die.  

 

My "obvious lack of compassion" for my fellow human being who happens to be Arab or Muslim?  You mean the ones who work at the corner store I go to every day or the Arabs and Muslims who slit Nick Berg's throat, or the ones who sorted out non-Muslims in Khobar and killed 22 of them?  The Arabs and Muslims who work next door to me that I talk to every day, or the ones threatening airliners, telling Muslims to stay away from Western airlines, and oh by the way, I'm flying on the 16th and 21st of June, on American Airlines, I may be a high-risk target, but hey, that's OK, right? 

 

Wow what amazing guts to fly again after such a traumatic event.  You may want to get to the airport one day earlier by then because by then Ridge will probably have our code in deep red by then and you'll have to go on the damn plane naked.  Oh by the way, here is a hot flash, the next attack probably won't be the same as last time, for the most part there are other ways terrorist attack, ask the Israelies.  Oh by the way, why would a "drunk bastard'" be a high risk target. 

 

Yes, it was a white asshole who bombed the building in Oklahoma City.  And?  If I remember correctly, he's now turning into lawn fertilizer.  Osama hasn't met the same fate.  Yet. 

 

He could have been, had "W" not been so hung up trying to one up his dad, see old man I got him.

 

Whether "W" wins another term or not will be decided the first Tuesday in November.  Or maybe, like last year, sometime in January, who knows.  Personally, I'm not sure Kerry would be any better, or any worse. 

 

It's the end result that matters.

 

And it's nice to accuse me of not showing a "hell of a lot of intelligence" in any of my points, but please, tell me a few of those "points" you are at odds with that don't show a lot of intelligence. 

 

I think I have done so up to this point.

 

And is there something so REALLY wrong with "they did it to us so we stick it back to them"?  Or are you that much of a pacifist that someone can punch you in the face and you wouldn't hit back? 

 

Once again numnuts, they, the Iraqis did not kill those 2800 people, Al-Qaeda did remember.

And I believe you meant "dead" Iraqis, not "did" Iraqis, but with all the syntax flaws in your "intelligent" letter... well, I'll just leave that alone. 

 

Oh please give me a break, brainiac. 

 

 

 And who exactly DIDN'T deserve this war?  The Iraqi troops, who under the great Saddam Hussein committed atrocities against both their own people and their neighbors for decades?  Or the Iraqi citizens that won't end up in mass graves at the hands of their benevolent now-ex-leader Uncle Saddam?

 

 

One more time, its either Uncle Saddam or "W".  They don't care they just don't want to lose any more relatives to any person. 

 

And just remember, you live in a country that allows you the freedom to express your views without the fear of being imprisoned, raped, beaten, and/or executed.  No matter how far up your ass your head is when you give said opinion.

 

I won't forget because I learned my civics lesson in the United States Navy, asshole.

 

I'm done with you now.

 

I personally look forward to hearing more from you, dude.

 

Roy

--kenny

Now I'm up.  If you're going to pick a fight, be prepared to fight, right?  So...

You know, if you're going to answer paragraph by paragraph, at least do it in a different fucking color so I don't have to try and distinguish between your writing and mine.  That being said, I'll do it for you.  Someone as smart as you can't fucking type for shit, but that's OK.

 

Yeah, I don't read at all.  Kinda like you didn't when I said that we were once again screwing up the peace in your "they don't feel safer now" comment.  Yes, we're just walking down the street "killing their relatives."  What relatives are you referring to?  Please, give me instances.  I want to know these wholesale civilian atrocities that the U.S. military is committing in Iraq.

 

And whether Hussein and bin Laden we're "enemies" - I don't remember that distinction being made, then again, I'm not so hip on Iraqi blogs as you.  "It seems that all I read is how the Iraqis killed those 2800 people deserve to die."  It seems that maybe you could formulate a proper sentence.  What exactly does that mean?  Do you even read your shit before you send it?  Maybe while you were taking "civics lesson in the United States Navy," you should have thrown an English course in there.

 

"Wow what amazing guts to fly again after such a traumatic event."  Apparently YOU don't read the paper, "numnuts" (and by the way, that's spelled NUMBNUTS, numbnuts), your cousins in al-Qaeda released a statement threatening Western airliners.  "You may want to get to the airport one day earlier by then because by then Ridge will probably have our code in deep red by then and you'll have to go on the damn plane naked."  Fine with me, maybe it will make the whole trip a little more interesting.  At least I know the guy sitting next to me won't have a bomb in his shoe.  "Oh by the way, here is a hot flash, the next attack probably won't be the same as last time, for the most part there are other ways terrorist attack, ask the Israelies."  Ah, but it will be on a plane, won't it?  How exciting that makes air travel.  "Oh by the way, why would a "drunk bastard'" be a high risk target."  And to answer, allow me to summarize:  American non-Muslim on a Western airliner this summer.  If you need me to connect any more fucking dots for you, please feel free to tell me, I'll help you.

 

"He could have been, had "W" not been so hung up trying to one up his dad, see old man I got him."  Yes, because we haven't been conducting maneuvers in Afghanistan since ousting the Taliban, Pat Tillman was shot last month eating chili in Tempe, Arizona, right?  You really are daft.  And who the fuck are you calling old?

 

And when you say "it's the end result that matters" in regards to the election, what exactly do you mean?  Whether Bush wins?  Or whether Kerry does a better job should he win?  Or did you think that far ahead?  Or do you have any idea why you made that statement, or even that you DID?

 

And I don't think you've shown any points where I've displayed a lack of intelligence, especially since you've answered in a rather unintelligent manner.

 

I look forward to hearing more from you, provided you do so in an intelligible and clear manner.  And not like you typed with your ass.

 

--k

At 6 a.m. (again, he has insomnia) he responded:

You know, if you're going to answer paragraph by paragraph, at least do it in a different fucking color so I don't have to try and distinguish between your writing and mine.  That being said, I'll do it for you.  Someone as smart as you can't fucking type for shit, but that's OK.

 

Yeah, I don't read at all.  Kinda like you didn't when I said that we were once again screwing up the peace in your "they don't feel safer now" comment.  Yes, we're just walking down the street "killing their relatives."  What relatives are you referring to?  Please, give me instances.  I want to know these wholesale civilian atrocities that the U.S. military is committing in Iraq.

 

And whether Hussein and bin Laden we're "enemies" - I don't remember that distinction being made, then again, I'm not so hip on Iraqi blogs as you.  "It seems that all I read is how the Iraqis killed those 2800 people deserve to die."  It seems that maybe you could formulate a proper sentence.  What exactly does that mean?  Do you even read your shit before you send it?  Maybe while you were taking "civics lesson in the United States Navy," you should have thrown an English course in there.

 

Fuck you, jackass.  I am not going to sit here and write a eloquy on how you are so fucking ignorant about this issue.  Oh by the way dickhead, its piece not peace, shit for brains.  God your such an arrogant asshole. 

 

"Wow what amazing guts to fly again after such a traumatic event."  Apparently YOU don't read the paper, "numnuts" (and by the way, that's spelled NUMBNUTS, numbnuts), your cousins in al-Qaeda released a statement threatening Western airliners. 

 

Hey pussy, they also stressed not aircraft in the United States.  Get a grip, numBnuts.  Is that BETTER.

 

 

"You may want to get to the airport one day earlier by then because by then Ridge will probably have our code in deep red by then and you'll have to go on the damn plane naked."  Fine with me, maybe it will make the whole trip a little more interesting.  At least I know the guy sitting next to me won't have a bomb in his shoe.  "Oh by the way, here is a hot flash, the next attack probably won't be the same as last time, for the most part there are other ways terrorist attack, ask the Israelies."  Ah, but it will be on a plane, won't it?  How exciting that makes air travel.  You don't know how you are going to die asswhipe.  It could be that you could get so much venum in you from your hatred that you just keel over. 

 

"Oh by the way, why would a "drunk bastard'" be a high risk target."  And to answer, allow me to summarize:  American non-Muslim on a Western airliner this summer.  If you need me to connect any more fucking dots for you, please feel free to tell me, I'll help you.

 

"He could have been, had "W" not been so hung up trying to one up his dad, see old man I got him."  Yes, because we haven't been conducting maneuvers in Afghanistan since ousting the Taliban, Pat Tillman was shot last month eating chili in Tempe, Arizona, right?  You really are daft.  And who the fuck are you calling old?  Pat Tillman was killed by friendly fire, please don't use his name with your venom.  By the way I was calling the first Bush his old man guy.  I meant 'him' by Saddam, goofball.

 

And when you say "it's the end result that matters" in regards to the election, what exactly do you mean?  Whether Bush wins?  Or whether Kerry does a better job should he win?  Or did you think that far ahead?  Or do you have any idea why you made that statement, or even that you DID?  Let me say it for you to understand, "W".  "W" has got to go.  One way or another.  If in all your infinite wisdom, and all your other non thinking, just reacting, victimizing the whole american thought process freinds, just all of a sudden think that rather then elect Kerry you decide to elect Nader.  That would be fine with me as long as that 95 IQ idiot doesn't make it back in the oval office.  Simple enough.

 

And I don't think you've shown any points where I've displayed a lack of intelligence, especially since you've answered in a rather unintelligent manner.

 

I look forward to hearing more from you, provided you do so in an intelligible and clear manner.  And not like you typed with your ass.

 

--k

As they say you talk down to your opposition.

 

R

His argument degenerated into a pile of fuck-you's and I-know-you're-stupid-but-what-am-I's.  Maybe it was his sanity finally starting to crack.

PIECE: a portion or quantity, as of some materials, forming a separate entity.

PEACE: the normal, nonwarring condition of a nation, a group of nations, or the world.

Yes, I meant "peace." "Losing the peace" is a term I picked up in American Military History, something that you should ALSO have taken along with that civics course in the Navy. And you're so quick to now distinguish between WHAT aircraft they said they would attack, because in your last letter you were completely ignorant of the issue. Numbnuts.

And it's "asswipe" and "venom," not "asswhipe" and "venum." And, for the record, YOU e-mailed ME telling me is was, to paraphrase, ignorant and stupid, apparently your argument has degenerated into a series of "fuck yous." Who's ignorant and stupid now? Yes, Pat Tillman was killed by friendly fire, but it was WHERE he was killed that was the point, moron. Your argument was that Bush gave up on getting bin Laden because he was so intent on getting Saddam, my argument was that they have been running missions to get the bastard. Again, I win. And thanks for clearing up who the "old man" was you were referring to.

Am I saying Bush needs to be re-elected? No. Do I wish that my choice for the Republican candidate was better? Yes. However, in wishing for someone better than Bush, do I think Nader OR Kerry should get my vote? No. I'm not going to vote for a kick in the balls because I don't want to be punched in the balls.

So what now, Roy? Some more "your stupid fuck you" sentences? Or are you going to send me a picture of you flipping me off? Maybe you want to TP my house?

--k

Went to the gym, came back, and Roy's awake again.  His multicolor typing is getting obnoxious.

PIECE:  a portion or quantity, as of some materials, forming a separate entity.

 

PEACE:  the normal, nonwarring condition of a nation, a group of nations, or the world.

 

Yes, I meant "peace."  "Losing the peace" is a term I picked up in American Military History, something that you should ALSO have taken along with that civics course in the Navy.  And you're so quick to now distinguish between WHAT aircraft they said they would attack, because in your last letter you were completely ignorant of the issue.  Numbnuts.

 

You said "screwing up the peace".  Not "Losing the peace".  Are they the same? 

And it's "asswipe" and "venom," not "asswhipe" and "venum."  It's always nice to be corrected.  Please keep it up asswhipe.

 

 For the record, YOU e-mailed ME telling me is was, to paraphrase, ignorant and stupid, apparently your argument has degenerated into a series of "fuck yous."  Who's ignorant and stupid now?  Once again you wrote fuck three times in your previous response, but who is counting right.  Yes, Pat Tillman was killed by friendly fire, but it was WHERE he was killed that was the point, moron.  Your argument was that Bush gave up on getting bin Laden because he was so intent on getting Saddam, my argument was that they have been running missions to get the bastard.  Again, I win.  And thanks for clearing up who the "old man" was you were referring to.

Hey numnuts, lol, how many troops are in Afganistan 138,000, wrong, try say maybe 30,000.  I really don't know, your so damn knowledgable maybe you can tell.  But I do know it is nowhere near the 138,000 we have in Iraq.  It's not that were not doing anything over in Afganistan.  It is that we could have done so much more there.  After all wasn't it that asshole Clinton who cut our military strength to the hurt it is feeling now.  We can't do too many fronts.  I found it interesting that they have even shortened the strength in South Korea for more troups in Iraq, not Afgahistan.  So you didn't win shithead.  I'm not really competing with ya. 

Am I saying Bush needs to be re-elected?  No.  Do I wish that my choice for the Republican candidate was better?  Yes.  However, in wishing for someone better than Bush, do I think Nader OR Kerry should get my vote?  No.  I'm not going to vote for a kick in the balls because I don't want to be punched in the balls.  Great your staying home, thats what I want to hear.

 

So what now, Roy?  Some more "your stupid fuck you" sentences?  Or are you going to send me a picture of you flipping me off?  Maybe you want to TP my house?

 

At some point you mentioned you were flying somewhere around mid June.  Now don't think that I am wishing anything bad, but supposing for a moment that the plane you are flying goes down.  Can you see the headline:

 

They killed Kenny, that drunk bastard.

IOh by the way Kenny, you manage to get fuck in your response to me just last issue three times so fuck off.

--k

--r

I'm not at my best.  I know this.  I am trying to muster the killshot, but am not finding that Jamie Reynolds-esque fervor.

It's getting fun, assclown. Please, keep it up.

I'm sorry I used "screwing up" instead of "losing." Sorry to confuse you. Didn't mean to use two words to convey the meaning of one. I'll try and keep things monosyllabic for you in future communications.

At least my previous response had more than nine total words, sorry I used the word "fuck" three times. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. There, I used it four times. Go wash your eyes out. What I meant was all you seemed to be saying in your last response was "fuck you numnuts (sic)" rather than trying to formulate an intelligent response. And yes, it is always nice to be corrected, isn't it? Or, just go around with a fourth-grade handle on your mother tongue. Maybe if you could spell, your argument would hold a little more water. A thimbleful, to be sure, but more nonetheless.

I don't know how many troops are in Afghanistan. Whether it's 30,000 or a number higher or lower, that's 30,000 more than none, which is what you insinuated were there because "W" was so busy trying to get Saddam. And yes, after all, it WAS that asshole Clinton who cut military spending "to the hurt it is feeling now." And you want to elect someone from the same party to replace "W." Where exactly are you going with your argument? You want a non-Republican in the White House, which means essentially you want a Democrat there, because no one thinks Nader has a snowball's chance in Hell of winning. But you accuse the Democrats of downsizing and weakening the U.S. military. So which is it? You want to lambast the very party you are hoping wins. No, you're "not really competing" with me, because you're a moron. I don't compete in the Special Olympics.

And by the way, I never said I was staying home for the election. It's funny you can read that into what I said, but you can't read the actual words I type. When's your next Thorazine shot?

And if my plane does go down, I hope it's into your house. "They killed Kenny, that drunk bastard." Must've used every last remaining brain cell to come up with that one. How original. How utterly wistfully poignant. You really are a retard. At first this was fun, but now I pity you. The title of your original e-mail ("The 9 year old reply") meant that you think like a nine year-old. Now I understand.

--kenny

And with that, he was gone, not with a bang, but a whimper.

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ZOEYE_123

(April 2004)

Usually, I leave Outlook running and the internet message programs (AIM, Messenger, etc.) running all the time, whether I'm home or not.  You never know when someone has something important to say right then.  Honestly, it hasn't happened yet, but I still hold out hope.

After getting five (yes, five) hours of sleep last night and walking and feeding the dogs, I thought it would be a good idea to withdraw the balance on what nature owed me in the sleep department.  I took a nap.  Which, unfortunately, didn't last long.  So upon waking, I walked by the computer and there was a chat window from Yahoo! Messenger and someone named zoeye_123.  I had no idea who this person was.  And apparently they were quite the wordsmith, because the message read, "hi."  Being the congenial person I am, I replied.  This person also added me to their contact list, so I returned in kind.

Now, while I'm waiting for a reply from zoeye, I checked e-mail, and some guy named Mark signed the guest book, and wrote in, "zoeye is hot."  This couldn't be mere coincidence, could it?  Then again, who gives a fuck?

I didn't save the first part of the conversation, because I didn't deem it necessary.  It basically went:

zoeye_123: um, hi
drunkbastard30: Hi.  Well, this is fun.
zoeye_123: (dumb face icon thing)riiiiight
drunkbastard30: Look, you're the one who started this.
zoeye_123: i wanted to see if my email worked N it did and ur the one who added me so bye
drunkbastard30: I think a "what the fuck ever" fits in here.
zoeye_123: thats right bye

So, I went and did something much more important.  I took a shit.  Quite a nice one, actually, a little burn at the end, good form... anyway, when I came back in to sit down and get dressed, the dumb twat replied.  Again.  Pretty talkative for someone who didn't seem to want to talk.  What follows IS actually what went back and forth:

zoeye_123: mark told me to tell u to fuck off have a nice day
(ah, so it wasn't just a coincidence...)
drunkbastard30: Tell Mark to get the cock out of his mouth and he can tell me in person.

Now at this point I received a "private chat invite."  What the fuck?  Maybe we can all sit around and have a little circlejerk.  I accept.  She leaves the chat.  I close it out.  She invites me AGAIN.  Ah, fool me once...  I declined.

drunkbastard30: Nice to see that your mind has not been ravaged by the tedium of intellignece.
drunkbastard30: Or, intelligence.
(Even I'm prone to typos)
zoeye_123: fuck off
(and then one minute later...)
zoeye_123: F-U-C-K O-F-F understand
drunkbastard30: Look you stupid twat, you're the dumb cum-guzzling sperm-burper that keeps typing at ME. How about YOU go fuck off?
zoeye_123: durr i said BYE y u keep chatting get a life u are so sad BYE B-Y-E
drunkbastard30: To lower my intelligence any further in this regard would equate me with a three-toed sloth. Ta ta, little girl. Tell Mark to stop sucking so much dick. That's what you're for.

This wasn't even fun.  Usually abusing someone is fun.  But, it just goes to prove, some assclowns are too stupid to make fun of.  But I thought I owed you something.  Too bad it wasn't with someone smarter than a shirtsleeve.

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Taylor Viuhkola

(January 2004)

This e-mail came to me from good ol' Taylor, and I felt the need to respond:

Hey it sure seems to me that you put just a little to much into your statement about people playing with theirselfs.  If I could picture you now, I figure about 40 pounds over weight and dorky as sin.  The time you took to write that, you should of stood in front of the mirror and toke a good glance.  Maybe for once you would see yourself for who you are and stop worring about other people.  So next time you and your mouse go crazy looking for websites to trash, stop count to ten AND DO SOMETHING ELSE!  From the master of internet disaster, T-Dogg.

Can anyone say "loser"?  Apparently "T-Dogg" is defending the people of the world who like to play with "theirselfs" (or themselves you fucking idiot).  The reply:

Dear T-Cunt:

 

Well, I wouldn't go running off to the world touting your clairvoyance skills.  However, if I could picture YOU now, you're probably STILL looking for pictures to jerk your dick to, am I right?  In the time it took you to write that, you probably played with yourself three times, didn't you?  I like the use of trite sayings such as the stand-in-front-of-a-mirror and worrying-about-other-people.  Seems you took a wee bit too much offense to the whole "CLICK HERE FOR NUDE PICS" and I caught you with your miniscule crank in one hand and your mouse in the other when you read that, am I close?

 

Hey, T-Puppy:  next time you want to try and bash someone via e-mail, go bash someone else.  Master of internet disaster my ass, you useless faggot little cunt fuck loser asswipe piece of shit douchebag.

 

--kenny

And I felt pretty good about that reply, until...

This is the Postfix program at host mailhub01.readyhosting.com.

I'm sorry to have to inform you that the message returned

below could not be delivered to one or more destinations.

For further assistance, please send mail to <postmaster>

If you do so, please include this problem report. You can delete your own text from the message returned below.

The Postfix program

<tviuhkola16@comcast.net>: host gateway-s.comcast.net[204.127.202.26] said: 551

not our customer

Shouldn't the "master of internet disaster" have a valid e-mail address?  Just so you know, I tried it four times, from different e-mail addresses, and all were returned, so it wasn't a gateway issue.  And what kind of fifteen year-old faggot calls himself "the master of internet disaster" anyway?  Considering what he wrote me about, it should be "The Masturbator of Internet Cum-Squirting Disaster."

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Jamie Reynolds

(November 2003)

I was just accused of being a racist again.  The same sentence called me a "warboy," so I can only assume he meant my rather strong views on the Middle East, Iraq, terrorists, et. al.  Well, I don't like any group of people that blows up or in any other manner kills innocent people as a means of attempting to promote a political agenda, that practices oppression of other people as a means of maintaining power under the guise of religion, so if that makes me a racist, then yes, sign me up for the I Hate Militant Radical Muslims Racism Party.  I'll run for motherfuckin' president of the motherfucker.

Notice I didn't say "I hate Middle Easterners."  Or "I hate Mulsims."  Or "I hate Arabs."  Now THAT would be racist, Jamie.  Because "racism" is defined as "hatred or intolerance of another races or races."  If I don't like a person I work with and that person is Jewish, it does NOT mean that I hate Jews.  If a black cab driver cuts me off on the FDR and I yell "You fucking cocksucker" out the window, it doesn't mean I hate blacks.  And if I call Arab terrorists scumsucking pigfuckers, it doesn't mean I hate Arabs.  Trust me, I despise having to watch war footage on the news.  I hate the concept.  But there comes a point when people just can't be talked nicely to.

Of course, Jamie is from England.  The English have never gone to war with anyone.  Or oppressed anyone because of race or religious beliefs.  Just ask all the people in Ireland how nice and civil and racially and religiously tolerant the British are.  And all that British charm and great appeasement skill did wonders with Hitler.  How quickly the British forget that they were 26 miles away from becoming the largest island in the German Reich.

DISCLAIMER:  This is not to mean that everyone in England is an idiot like Jamie.  What I was trying to get at is that there are some people who forget certain things.  We have the same problem here in the good ol' U.S. of A.  Everyone has to remember that their closet isn't without a skeleton or two, and that they didn't get the freedoms they enjoy without the blood of their ancestors being spilled on the field of battle.  No disrespect was intended.  Well, except to Jamie.

Well, hot off the heels of his November 11th "warboy" comment to me, and my retort, I got another snippet from Jamie:

Hey Warboy,

It's good to see the rigours of unemployment don't stop you from updating your website. I was surprised to get such ample coverage, were there no softcore porn pictures to steal and upload yesterday? No wanking to be done? Certainly no actual work (that goes without saying)....

What makes me curious about the 11 November response is how fucking dumb you sound. I'll quote you because i can't be arsed to paraphrase such nonsense;
"I don't like any group of people that blows up or in any other manner kills innocent people as a means of attempting to promote a political agenda, that practices oppression of other people as a means of maintaining power...".
So how do reconcile that with the actions of your governement? Even someone such as yourself must know the history of American involvement with dictators, oppresive governments, the crushing of popularly elected left wing politicians etc ad infinitum? It's ok for whitey to do it but not the Arabs? You can't blame it on ignorance, just read the media from around the world. Or are they all wrong? Blaming me for the Northern Ireland troubles smacks of desperation and a lack of decent arguments. Blaming all the English for what the aristocracy did is, well, kinda racist. I haven't started a website that is a vanity project for my pathetic outbursts. You are the one who sees fit to pronounce judgement on huge swathes of the world. Therefore you bring comment upon yourself. I have never been to Ireland, i am atheist (so couldn't give a shit about any religion) and none of my relations can be traced to the troubles. And just to compound your oh-so-obvious stupidity, you trot out the old 'you would be a German if it wasn't for us' line... well, maybe so. I rather think that Hitler had more to do with Germanys defeat than good ol' uncle sam. From what i remember in school, America didnt want to join the war, and when it did (forced by the hand of Japan), it was to make sure you had a stake in post-war reconstruction. My, that sounds familiar. Learnt something there did we? So what do the sins of some old British warmonger's have to do with me? Why should this mean i cannot comment on racism and stupidity (yeah, i read the websters dictionary explanation. Very informative...). Your entire argument needs a rethink...otherwise (following your inebriated logic) you are a fucking hypocrite.
Anyway, i welcome your response. I just wonder whether it will be another piece of one-sided crap. After all, its very easy to cuss me when no-one else knows what i said.
Cheerio, Jamie

_____________
Jamie Reynolds
DS Helpdesk
08457 660511

Dare I reply?

First off, liberal peacenik, let me just set for the record that I have a job. Granted, I'm not an automaton that sits at a help desk giving out erroneous information because my limited intellect keeps me from jobs where advancement is possible, say in sanitation, which would probably be a step up for a help desk employee. But enough of that.

Yes, I am quite aware of past U.S. transgressions in the vein of pure self-interest. Since when did the Arabs get in the business of "involvement with dictators, oppressive governments, the crushing of popularly elected left wing politicians etc ad infinitum?" as you seemed to draw a line to? I thought that their whole political agenda revolved around wiping out Israel at all costs. Funny how seven countries couldn't seem to overrun a country the size of my closet. But I digress. Personally, between work, having a real life (which you apparently don't), and answering inane bullshit from pigfuckers like yourself, I don't have the time to "read the media from around the world." I'm sure you do, however, sitting at a desk with a headset to your ear and a thumb up your ass. And no, blaming you for Northern Ireland (whether personally or you as in a general "you all") doesn't smack of "desperation and a lack of decent arguments." That's right, the IRA was blowing up and shooting British soldiers who were just having afternoon tea, not occupying their country? Shit, my mistake, I better alert the media from around the world posthaste. They're gonna want to hear this. Why would it be fair for you to point out the shit in my backyard and allow you to shrug off the mess in yours? Own up to your shortcomings. I'm sure you have many.

Which brings me to my next argument. You are so quick to detach yourself from the aristocracy and its history. Do I get to do the same? Am I allowed to invoke the same privilege? Or because I personally don't like to see a gaping fucking hole in the ground where three thousand people died because some tall bearded rich Arab decided to hijack planes and fly them into the buildings that once stood there, I'm now responsible for everything the U.S.A. has ever done? I'd like to see a few 747s fly into Big Ben and Trafalgar Square, maybe a dirty bomb go off at the next Manchester United game, and see how fast you are to denounce retaliation. Everyone is so ready, willing, and able to denounce war and violence when nothing happens to them, and as soon as the shit hits the fan, their tune changes. Let's see some shit happen in downtown London and then get back to me.

You can call this site "pathetic," "a vanity project," or whatever adjectives and nouns you see fit to pull out of the dictionary sitting on your desk. I don't remember "pronouncing judgment of huge swathes of the world," personally outside of the Middle East I'd like to know one swath I pronounced said judgment upon. I honestly don't give a fuck if you've been to Ireland or not. It has no bearing on anything. And the Irish are probably happy about it and would prefer you continue your non-visitation to that country. And as for the German thing, yeah, you're right, we joined the war ONLY because we wanted to dump millions upon millions of dollars to rebuild the rubble in Europe. See, that's what we do. We just sit around all day handing out cash to people after their shit gets fucked up. Because that makes SENSE. Yeah, if I were president, that's what I would have done: "Guys, we're gonna get into the land war in Europe just so we can give them money." Wouldn't it have been easier to NOT send troops and just fork the cash over when it was all said and done? You fucking retard? You'd like to think that Hitler had more to do with Germany's defeat than we did? You ever hear the term Lend-Lease? The only reason the Russians were able to hold out was because of U.S. tanks, planes, trucks, guns, etc. that were sent over there. And let's not forget that your fine country received three times the Lend-Lease aid that the Russians did (somewhere around $30 billion). Open up a history book that wasn't written by a communist some time, you might learn something new. And yes, we had a lot to do with Germany's defeat, because Hitler knew damn well that England didn't have the strength to invade on its own, which would have basically meant Germany would only have had to fight a one-front war in the east, not a two-front war which depleted its reserves and manpower. But you knew that, right? Because you're so fucking smart. Regardless of who was ultimately responsible for Germany's defeat, it was England and France who were ultimately responsible for what happened.

Germany: We want Austria. That's it.
England and France: OK. That's it, right?
Germany: Yes.
England and France: Well, cheeri-o then...
Germany: We want the Sudetenland.
England and France: Didn't you say you just wanted Austria?
Germany: We want the Sudetenland. Then that's it.
England and France: Okie dokie, cheeri-o then...
Germany: We want Poland.
England and France: Now now, if you invade Poland, we're going to declare war on you.
Germany: Hmmm... [invades Poland]
England and France: Well, I guess it's war, then.
Poland: [getting its ass kicked] Hey, England! France! How about a little help over here? England and France: Yes, let's help! [digs huge ditch]
Poland: What the fuck are you doing?
England and France: We're helping you! We're building this thing, we call it the Maginot Line.
Poland: You gonna send troops over here? You did declare war, after all! England and France: Send troops? Ah, er, no. This is how we are helping you!
Poland: By digging a trench?
England and France: Yes, smashing idea, eh?

And I'm tired of hearing how everything we do is in our self-interest. Let's not forget, old chap, that if it weren't for that U.S. self-interest, you'd be goosestepping to work every day. Because, like it or not, it was the big bad ol' U.S.A. that saved your collective asses. Must get stuck right in your ass having to believe that, doesn't it? Probably force you to believe other things too, like there is no Santa Claus, the world is round, and English cooking really does suck.

In closing, allow me to make you this offer: if I'm such a hypocrite, if the website is so pathetic, if I'm so incredibly stupid, then DON'T FUCKING GO TO THE WEBSITE ANYMORE. Just sit there in your little cubicle and get on with your pedantic existence. Trust me, you writing me and reading the site doesn't do one damn thing to make my life better or more joyous in the most infinitesimal of degrees. In other words, piss off.

--k

Now don't get me wrong, as most of you may know, I'm far from a blind follow-the-flag guy.  Part of the problem with being born with a brain and a history buff.  I'm not proud of every single thing that was done in the name of manifest destiny et. al.  I do think, however, that the United States is a pretty not-bad place to live, that most of its people are, when all is said and done, pretty decent, and I definitely don't believe that it deserves the level of shit that it gets on a regular basis from other countries who owe their very existence, in our self-interest or not, to it.  Self-interest or not, there are 50,000-plus U.S. soldiers buried in France alone who are there not because they liked the country and wanted to be interred there for all eternity, but because they were fighting for England and France and Italy and Luxembourg and Sicily and Belgium.  You can accuse us of being self-serving to our own interests, but the reason that all of Europe and most of Asia doesn't speak German right now, doesn't sing "Deutschland über Alles" in school, and is allowed to do things like hold public demonstrations and e-mail drunks who run websites is because of the United States.  You are able to have your afternoon tea and look out at Piccadilly Circus and not see the banner of the swastika hanging not because of "make love not war" peaceniks like you, Jamie Reynolds, but people like my grandfather who served the U.S. military and died on the beaches of Normandy and the forests of Belgium, because of the big bad evil U.S.A. that sent weapons and tanks and trucks to the few weakened countries that had yet to fall under the grip of National Socialism and the Wehrmacht and the Luftwaffe and the Waffen SS.  You can delicately chew your scone without the steel gaze of an SS Obergruppenfuhrer watching you wondering if maybe you were part Jew, maybe you should go to Dachau, Treblinka, Auschwitz, or Birkenau.  You can read this on your computer because the country you seem to so despise and loathe gave you the means to defeat Hitler and fought along side your ancestors in an effort to make the world maybe a little less oppressive, a little less violent, and if it's self-serving to have a planet where bullets and bombs aren't flying across the sky, well then call us self-serving.  You can read this not because of human vaginas like you and Neville Chamberlain, because people like you never see the danger until it's bitten their balls off.  You sit there with your stiff upper lip behind your help desk phone and piss and moan about the big bad militant U.S., but I'll be damned if when the shit hit the fan on the white cliffs of Dover you wouldn't have been one of the first people clamoring please, please Uncle Sam, come help us, the Hun is at the doorstep.  Maybe your grandfather should have tried your liberal peacenik tripe against Hitler, maybe that would have stopped the V-2 rockets.  Or, maybe not.  No, I don't believe in the premise of war, I don't think that men should kill each other over the power struggles of a few small-penised men who gain power by whatever means at their disposal.  I also don't believe that you should roll over like a bitch in heat to them, and if someone points a gun at you, you can piss your pants like a girl, pretend the gun's not there (Jamie), or get a bigger gun and shoot back.

So give credit where credit is due.  The U.S. gave $12.4 billion (which, in 1945, actually was worth something) under the Marshall Plan, that self-serving U.S. policy whereby Europe was able to sweep the rubble out of its ass.  That doesn't include almost $20 billion that the U.S. loaned European countries that we got to suck high tit on, thanks for the cash, go fuck yourself Uncle Sam.  And the $50 billion in Lend-Lease, sixty percent of which went to Great Britain.  Since then we've loaned and granted hundreds of billions of dollars to countries around the world, and yes, we've gotten things in return, things that serve our self-interest, but if it so ruffles your little yellow feathers, Jamie Reynolds of the world, then don't take the money.  And that $87.5 billion that we're trying to give Iraq and Afghanistan to rebuild... does anyone not in a straightjacket think that they were great places before?  Don't accept U.S. aid and then complain that we do it for our own interests.  When was the last time you bought a girl in a bar a drink simply out of charity?  Or were you trying to serve your own self-interests, a little piece of ass for the evening?  Yeah, it's self-serving, it serves us to not have anymore Mohammed Attas, no more Hanji Hanjours, no more September 11ths, yes, it's self-serving to help people so they don't do shit like fly planes into office buildings full of people just trying to make a living.  Our economy's in the tank because of all this, and on top of spending on the self-serving military, we're now going to give a pretty chunk of change so Afghanis and Iraqis can have things like power and running water and... why am I even going on about this?  What good does it do to argue with imbeciles like Jamie Reynolds, help desk jockey extraordinaire?

I'm sure I haven't heard the last from Jamie Reynolds.

12:35 p.m.  No, I haven't forgotten.  The little buggerer hasn't e-mailed back.  I thought he had more fight in him than that.

12:54 and HEEEEEEEERE'S JAMIE!  Just when I was starting to get worried that maybe he got stuck in the shitter... this was titled "Hey fucknut":

You will get a response when I'm a little less busy at work. Y'see, my job doesn't involve sitting on a barstool crying about how rude barmaids are.
I am impressed to see you can write that much in one go, even if most of it is unimaginative insults and hypocritical half-truths. The bit I really liked was about your economy and blaming 9/11. Ho ho ho ho. Fucking deluded nonsense.

Good helpdesk jokes though, they hurt a LOT coming from a bar worker...

_____________
Jamie Reynolds
DS Helpdesk
08457 660511.

That's the best you got?  I mean come on, your other e-mail was written at the same time, I can't imagine the life of a help desk jockey is so exciting and dynamic that he had plenty of time yesterday and none today.  And he apparently had time to read the website in addition to the e-mail I sent back, so just exactly WHEN did he run out of time?  But, I have to go with what he's given me...

I'm sure you're REAL BUSY.. You're so busy at work that you had the time to sit on your fat ass, read the website, sign the guestbook, read it again, respond, read it again, respond... you're not fooling anyone.  You're not busy, you're stumped.  You have no argument and you know it.  The hamster in the wheel running your brain just took a shit.  You're a moron, and everyone reading this knows it.  You couldn't argue your way out of a paper bag.  You're a Eurotwit without a clue in the world.  It's funny that you think that working a helpdesk is such a crucial and integral part of the world that you can look down on bartenders.  The reason you consider the insults unimaginative and hypocritical is because... well... you're a moron.  I wish I could expound on that, but sometimes the simplest answer is the best.  You're just too fucking stupid for your own good.  You're so quick to point fingers and lay blame and accusations, but remember "Solid Rock" by Dire Straits:  when you point your finger because your plan fell through, there's three more fingers pointing back at you.  You probably don't get it.  You probably never will.  Because you're too stupid to have a job above working a help desk, answering phone calls from people who can't figure out how to index library books correctly.  It takes a genius to answer phones for a small technology company that specializes in library indexing systems.  Wow.  You can fucking alphabetize.  People of the world, bow before Jamie Reynolds, library computer help desk guy of the millennium! 

Despite your opinions about bartenders in general and me in specific, at least I can die knowing that I have a grasp of history, both mine and yours.  As a matter of fact, one of the other people that read this, I assume you'd think he's a moron as well, had this to say:

Since I don't have the contact info for that particular assclown, and that he's sure to e-mail you again, I'd be obliged if you'd pass along a couple of little fun facts to him:

 

1) During the potato famine in Ireland, the British government made a killing by exporting food from Ireland to other countries. No, that is not a typo.

 

2) Britain oppressed scores of nations over the course of hundreds of years for the sake of the "empahh". So Jaime can take the "oppression" argument and shove it up his Limey ass.

 

3) He can feel free to take the strap-on out of his cornhole anytime.

It must be wearing on your wrists.  Really.  No, I don't mean all the jerking off you must do when your pathetic day is done, hitting the bar, realizing no girl wants to fuck a fat help desk clerk.  No, I mean the wrist stress you must suffer from holding the door of your closet shut.  And I don't mean that you're in the closet, although the aforementioned reader's #3 comment might insinuate such a disposition, but holding the door closed so that no one can see the piles upon piles of skeletons in it while you so flippantly point out those in other's closets.  It must really just suck to know that your homeland is guilty of atrocities and oppression on a scale far greater than you accuse the big bad ol' Americans of practicing.  What amazes me is that you are so willing to downplay them almost to the point of insulting the intelligence of anyone with an IQ higher than their shoe size while standing there with your puny little fists balled up like a seven year-old on a playground screaming "Bad America!  You guys are mean!"  You're not intelligent, you're not smart, you're not witty.  You are a fucktard.  You aren't even worth talking to.  The only reason I continue this is because some people enjoy watching me tear into mental midgets such as yourself like a pit bull into a value pack of roast beef.  Speaking of which, how's that mad cow disease?  Maybe that's what you have.  It would explain a lot, you know.

Jamie Reynolds, you're a twit.  A useless Eurocunt who is in denial of his own history.  Personally, I pity you.  I pity people who are too stupid to realize their own lack of intelligence.  You my friend are in dire need of a blowjob.  Maybe you can save enough from answering library computer help calls to pay for one, because God only knows that you can't get one on your own.  Oh, I forgot, you're an atheist.

Best part is, he probably don't even really DO anything, he's GOT to be one of those "Level One" desk jockeys that just takes peoples' information and then passes it off to a tech support guy not QUITE as dumb as him who can assist them further.  "Sorry madam, I'm just Jamie Reynolds, Level One Phone Jockey."  He's just too fucktarded to do anything else.

Just for shits and giggles, and because doing this broadens my already planet-sized intellect just that much more, I checked on his "fucking deluded nonsense" claim about 9/11 and the economy.  The single greatest point loss in the history of the Dow Jones Industrial Average was... September 17, 2001, the day the market re-opened after the attack.  It dropped 684.81 points, 7.13 percent of its total.  Now, as a percentage of total value that's just outside the top ten days of all time, but then again, four of the top six worst percentage drops were during the Great Depression, and the worst being 19 October 1987, a twenty-two-plus percentage point drop.  And no, I don't mean that we were a-rockin' and a-rollin' BEFORE Osama bin Fuckhead, but that definitely added an extra kick in the balls.

It must be nice being British and stupid in the 21st century (and NO, I'm not saying British people are stupid... calm down...), nothing's happened, you can sit and sip your Earl Grey and rant your antiwar slogans.  Like I said to him before, let a few Al Qaeda assholes kamikaze a few 747s into London and see how fast Jamie Reynolds is to lie down like a sheep.

I can't wait until Jamie has "more time" to respond.  "More time" comes when he's exhausted The Hun and Thumbzilla looking for his free porn for the day.

I got an e-mail from someone on my side against Jamie.  Actually, I've gotten quite a few.  Which quite outnumber the ones saying he's right.&n