The Drunkbastard Backlog

(for those of you who have just WAY too much time on your hands)

4 February


 New rant.  I'm sure a few of you will hate me for it.  I don't give a fuck.


 By the way, for those of you keeping score at home, the work "FUCK" appears somewhere on this website 1,991 times.  That includes the instance in the previous sentence.  Nine more and I win a Kewpie doll.

3 February

Would someone in the Phelps County (Missouri) Prosecutors Office please e-mail me and tell me where my cell phone and Pocket PC are?  And why you haven't responded to any letters from my attorney?  Thank you.

31 January

It's State Of The Union time!  I'm sure everyone across the planet will be able to watch it.  Personally, I'd rather watch llamas having sex on "The Discovery Channel," but it's not on.  Yet there is a cure for the boredom:

http://www.drinkinggame.us/

Print it, watch it, play it.

Do you wear Dr. Scholl's Gel Insoles?  Are YOU gellin'?  You may want to read THIS...

23 January

New, uh, "girls" up for voting.  You can see the results from the last round in the "How Much To Fuck That" Vault.  Also, I made updates in the Humor section (The Booze and Booze-Free sections), updated the "Is That Gay?" page, the "WWKD?" page, added a new bar to "The World's Best Drunk Bastard Bars," and a new drink in the "Drunk Bastard Cocktail Guide."

 

18 January

New entries - Eva Longoria, Imogen Bailey, and a bunch of miscellaneous pictures that I slapped together on one page.  Gentlemen, start your whacking.

 

 

14 January

You asked for it, you gots it.  Just like "Is That Gay?" but I don't answer questions about things being gay.  OK, maybe it's not really like it at all.  The "DrunkBastard Advice Column" that a few of you asked me to do via the "New Idea" submission.  Power to the people.  Kill whitey.  Mele Kalikimaka.


13 January 2006

Currently doing extensive research on new girls to look at in the Girl Of The Moment section.

2 January 2006

New pictures and cartoons in the galleries (see The Humor Archives), new videos in the "Weird Shit" section, new "My Life" stuff (well, it was new yesterday...), new "Is That Gay?" questions and our first bartender nominated in "America's Best Bartenders."  All that in two hours.

1 January 2006

Happy New Year.  Woo.  2006.  Excuse me if I fail to feel a rush of blood to my genitalia in commemoration of the blessed event.

26 December

Updates:

21 December

Updates done today:

That, plus getting into an e-mail war with my dad, and going to Home Depot pretty much rounds out my morning.  I'll add some more shit later.

20 December 2005

That's right, you bastards, I've taken over the site again.  I know, many of you were praying for this day... well, maybe not, but that's just splitting hairs at this juncture.

I'll be doing as much updating as my fucked-up schedule will allow over the next couple of weeks.  "How Much To Fuck That" will be back up and current with all new heifers, there will be new "Rants," new pictures, cartoons, jokes, movies.  The "Girl of the Moment" page will be off-limits until such a time as I figure out all the lawyer bullshit.

Start submitting new questions to "Is That Gay?" and start sending those bars to the "World's Best Drunk Bastard Bars" page.  If something on the site doesn't work, let me know.  It's kind of a hybrid between stuff Rusty did after he took it over and the site as it was when I unloaded it, so there are probably a thousand things that don't work properly.  Tough shit, asshole, deal with it.

On another note, I'd like to thank Rusty for forwarding about a hundred e-mails to me.  I should get them all answered by Christmas.  Christmas 2006.

6 September 2004

NEWS FLASH

Stay away from the windows, lest you leap - I've sold the website.  Pictures and all.

New girls:  Jewel Kilcher, Jennifer Ellison, and Katie Price.  Vaseline stock rises on the news.

Also, I'm sick of this site.

 

 

13 August

For Sale:  one web domain, 70,000 to 100,000 visitors per month, plus a truckload of sarcasm.  E-mail for details.

11 August

I'm back, just for a minute.  If you like politics, or if you hate politics, you might wanna read this.  Then again, you might not.  I don't care.


 

 

21 July

 

New girls require your vote

 

19 July

Number of visitors to this site since 1 January 2004:  467,062
How many since it started in 1999:  WHO THE FUCK KNOWS
How happy I'd be if each one had given me a dollar:  VERY FUCKING HAPPY
...hell, if each one gave me a nickel...:  LESS HAPPY, BUT STILL QUITE ELATED
 

13 July

 

New girls:  Natalia Paris and James King

 

 

12 July

New Shirt in the Gift Shop.

 

 

 

 

10 July

The Gift Shop has been overhauled:  each design has its own store, and there are up to eighteen - that's right, EIGHTEEN - different styles of shirt to choose from (10 men, 8 women).  And there will be some new shirts the beginning of next week (or in a couple of days, depending how you want to say it).

 

30 June

The New "How Much To Fuck That?" girls are up, as well as The Vault, where I put all the old beasts you guys voted on in the past.  Soon they're be a Hall Of Fame.  Golly, more shit for me to do, I can't fuckin' wait.

24 June

Um, love to chat, but I have a fucked up weekend coming up, no time to muse about vacation, I'll tell ya all about it Monday.  Or Tuesday.

15 June

Going on vacation.  See you in a week.

8 June

Just when I thought no new Assclowns would be coming out of the woodwork, here comes Roy Randall.

 

New Rant also.  I'm trying to work up a fervor before the gym.

6 June

Yes, it's back.  Happy now?

Which means I've had to start scouring the Yahoo! personals again.  I love reading these.  Especially the ones that are fake, the hot (or at least better than most of the pigs who post) that say, "I'm just looking for some outgoing people..."  Yeah honey, because what better way to look for outgoing people than by posting an ad that will only be seen by a bunch of people who spend all fucking day in their house on their computer?  Come on.  I don't know who's more pathetic, the girls who post them (because they are usually lures to dating or porn sites) or the guys who answer them.

26 May

If you sent a Rant in, it's been posted.  If you sent an Is That Gay? question, it has been posted.  If you sent a Bar Tale for the contest, I haven't done shit with it.  The contest goes until July 1, remember?

23 May

Number of times the word "fuck" appears on this website (including the instance in this sentence): 1,833.

The Drunk Bastard Gift Shop page has been reformatted so it doesn't look like a four year-old with ADD designed it.  Now it looks like a seven year-old on Ritalin did it.  Anyway, go take a look.  If you haven't bought a shirt yet, what are ya waiting for?
 

22 May

Drunkbastard.net is the official Internet supplier for SOBAZONE (that green banner you saw above).  Trust me, the shit works.  If you don't like hangovers, might I suggest you try some.

29 April

Everything has been updated but the Photo Album pics sent in.  That'll be tomorrow.

23 April

Despite claims that I cancelled "How Much To Fuck That?" because I was threatened with a lawsuit (you of anonymous guestbook entry maker), no, that's not why I did it.  And I'll probably bring it back in a month.  I want to give it a little tweak.  And besides, there are just so many fat, ugly lady Yahoo! Personals ads one sane man can look at before he loses his mind.  And I'd like to keep the thin, sinewy shreds of sanity that remain between my ears.  So calm the fuck down.  Your contest will come back.  And better than before.

20 April

I have put an end to the "How Much To Fuck That?" page.  I have grown tired of looking for pigs to put up, then tallying the votes, etc.  I have better things to do with my time.  Bullshit.  I don't.  But after almost a year, I just got bored of it.  Maybe I'll be inspired to do another such "contest."

11 April

New pictures on the Elisha Cuthbert, Estella Warren, and Keira Knightley pages.  Good God I'm fuckin' horny.  Oh, and Josie Maran too.  19 April:  Updated Kelly Hu.

9 April

Got a whole bunch of e-mails today from March 25th.  Yeah, my e-mail server is really on top of things.  So I have to get crackin' on all this new shit people keep e-mailing me. 

30 March

Yeah, sorry for being lazy and not getting to the new Is That Gay? questions or amusing you with more sordid bullshit in my life, but things are kinda askew right now.  Nothing that winning the Lotto wouldn't cure.  I'll get around to getting everything completely up to date within the next week.

25 March

New Rant.

16 March

Four new girls in Girl Of The Moment - Heidi Klum, Nell McAndrew, Heather Graham, and Natasha Henstridge.

14 March

All forms are working again.  Dem tech guys knows dere shiznit.

13 March

All form submissions on this website are not working.  So, just hold on until Monday (hopefully) when it's fixed.  If you've sent something since Thursday, you may have to re-send it.

12 March

New pigs on How Much To Fuck That?

8 March

Put up a new Rant.  That would be in the Rant section.  Fuck, I'm bored.

23 February

OK, once again, I'm back.  This time from vacation.  Updates to the Girl Of The Moment, Is That Gay?, What a Fucking WEEK I'm Having!, Drink Guide, and Photo Album are either done or will be in the next 24 hours.  I'm getting bombarded with e-mails and pictures and unfortunately no offers for gratuitous hot sweaty monkey sex from 19 year-old NYU coeds.

14 February

I'm back.  Self-imposed exile is over.  Now to do all the updating that is sitting in my inbox... holy fuck that's a lot of shit.

3 February

I've violated my sabbatical to put up two new T-shirts in the Gift Shop, but since I had planned it BEFORE the sabbatical, it doesn't really count.  OK, back to not doing anything.

28 January

I've had the new virus, whatever the fuck it's called, e-mailed to me 30 times in the last 57 hours.  Fortunately, I wasn't so fucking stupid as to open it like, apparently, 30 other people did.  How fucking dumb do you have to be in this day and age to open any file from anyone you don't know?  "Hey honey, look, someone I've never heard of before just sent me a ZIP file!  I'd better open it quickly!"  You fucking morons.

I am taking a sabbatical from the website.  I've decided that a little vacation from Drunkbastard is necessary.  Just until I get back from vacation, about three and a half weeks.  Trust me, most of you won't notice a thing.

24 January

Phat Phuck Clothing, now available in The Gift Shop.  No, I'm not kidding.

20 January

The Assclowns Page Page is done.  Yet more precious time wasted.

19 January

I have updates for the site.  I have to write the newsletter.  I have to find the fucking time to do it, since I've been working my dick off.  Oh yeah, and I have to tear the asshole out of some dickhead named Taylor Viuhkola who is too fucking pathetic to have an e-mail address that works.  What a dumb cunt.

OK, the first part of The Assclowns Page is up.  If anyone knows a little high school douchebag named Taylor Viuhkola, tell him to read it and get himself a working e-mail account.

13 January

NOW AVAILABLE IN THE DRUNK BASTARD GIFT SHOP

WOMEN'S T-SHIRTS NOW AVAILABLE!

This might actually become it's own page if I find enough instances of it, but for now we'll relegate it to the main page... It's...

SOME PEOPLE WHO STEAL MY SHIT

Today's first instance is http://www.bigfishlittlepond.com which has used (a) my old disclaimer word for word, and (b) has a page called "How Much To Fuck That?"  Hmmm... seems eerily familiar...

Then there's http://www.betteraccounting.co.uk, which has a 404 page (assclown.htm) that looks like mine.  A lot.  Except for the dancing banana.

9 January

If anyone in New York knows of a bar needing a bartender, e-mail me.  I need a change of pace.

8 January

How Much To Fuck That? updated.

2 January

The World's Best Drunk Bastard Bars list is now over 300 bars long.  Just seems like yesterday it was under 300.  Oh yeah.  That's because it was just yesterday.

1 January 2004

Happy fuckin' goddamn New Year.  Except for China, which has to wait until January 22nd to have theirs.  For 2004, the Year of the Monkey.  Then it's February 9th in 2005.  I just hope it's The Year of Making Monkeyface.  A lot.  OK, I'm done now.

The Numbers For December 2003

Visitors:  115,298
How many of those came from Fusker.com linking to Susan Ward's pics:  17,182
How many guys jerked off to Susan Ward last month:  At least 17,182
Number of "entry point" pages (which would not include Fusker.com and the ilk):  56,595
Number of those that spent more than an hour on the site:  224
Number of important things that did not get done because of me:  224
How many countries were represented:  93
How many visitors were from Wyoming, USA:  1
Decrease from last month:  1
The odds I'm ever going back to Wyoming for any reason (not because of previous fact):  0
Number of visitors from Seychelles: 1
Now, is it "Seychelles sea shells by the sea shore," or "She sells Seychelles by the sea shore," or:  Just shut the fuck up, Kenny
Number of visitors from Qatar: 4
Number of words in the English language that start with a "Q" not immediately followed by a "u": 0
Number of people in Qatar who give a fuck: 0
Hits:  2,399,825
 FYI, the number of "hits" recorded simply by viewing this page:  43
How much the "Hits" stats still means: FUCKING ZERO
Page Views:  218,537
How many of those page views were the 10 pages of the Resume:  61,482
Number of people that read the first page of it:  22,134
Number of people that didn't read any more than that:  6,182
Number of views of the "World's Best Drunk Bastard Bars" page:  1,439
Number of bars on that page (as of right now):  299
Number added last month:  15
Number of bars that hate me right now:  298
Number of different pages viewed:  555
How many pages I actually have:  556
Number of times I've dropped the F-bomb on those pages:  1,508
Times F-bomb used in the last month on this website:  103
Times F-bomb used in the last month while talking to people in person:  5,384
Odds are that, if Sister Celinda in the fourth grade was right, I'm going to Hell:  1:1
Number of people I know that won't be right there with me:  0
Data transfer:  101.2 Gb
How fucked I would have been if I was still with Websitesource:  A lot

23 December

The holiday season has its wet nose right up our butts, but you can still enjoy the stylistic vocalizations of one of the greatest singer/artists of our time.  Please, I beg of you, listen to the lilting melodies of Wing:

http://www.wingmusic.co.nz/listen.html

(This is not to be confused with the band of the plural form with Paul McCartney.)

This is the warped mind I have:  My AIM name is Drunkbastrd15.  If you go to the CONTACT page, you'll see that.  Anyway, they wouldn't let me use "Drunkbastard," with two A's.  So someone asked me what AOL was going to do with my second "A":

drunkbastrd15: Donate it to charity. See, there are many people from Eastern European countries whose vowels were taken by the Nazis during WWII. That's why a lot of their names are like Krysgstznan. AOL is giving them vowels to make up for it.

I thought it was funny.

12 December

Hopefully, all the Page Not Found errors are fixed.  If anything still gives you that, email me.

11 December

We had a wee bit of a problem with the "Weird Shit" page (FrontPage sucks and I'm a moron).  Everything should... SHOULD... be working again.

Girls updated:  Charlize Theron and Josie Maran.  Dude, I think I just filled the cup.

10 December

Updated GIRL OF THE MOMENT:  Jessica Alba, Holly Valance, Carmen Electra.  Added pics to Adriana Sklenarikova and Bridget Hall.  Wasted most of the morning and afternoon doing it.  You're welcome.

9 December

This is the equivalent of a baby picture for this website.  Someone had it archived, and I stumbled across it.  Kinda funny.  To me, anyway.

8 December

A few new pictures in Girl of the Moment.  New beasts in How Much To Fuck That?  A new tale of customer service in What a Fuckin' Week I'm Having!  And of course, more questions in Is That Gay?  New shirt in the Drunk Bastard Gift Shop.  Busy fuckin' day.

7 December

Gift Shop Price Drop - all items reduced one to two bucks.  Happy holidays.  Ho ho fuckin' ho.

6 December

Updated a few of the girls on Girl of the Moment - Jaime Pressley, Brittany Daniel, Josie Maran, Natalie Portman, and Ali Landry.  There are now 35 women featured with a total of 818 pictures.  And there are three new girls going up in seven days.  Isn't life great?

2 December

The World's Best Drunk Bastard Bars now has an easy-to-navigate table - just select the state / country, and BAM!  Bars, bars, bars...  What WILL I think of next?

1 December

November's Drunk Bastards:

Visitors:  82,325
Did the guy from Maldives come back?  Yes.
How many of those came from Collegehumor.com's link to the Resume:  13,124
How many countries were represented:  84
How many visitors were from Wyoming, USA:  2
How many visitors came from Malta:  9
How many people from Wyoming know that Malta is not something you drink:  0
Number of visitors from France:  28
Number of visitors from France that probably won't be back this month:  28
Hits:  1,458,146
How much the "Hits" stats still means: FUCKING ZERO
Page Views:  169,203
How many of those page views were the 11 pages of the Resume:  71,084
How many job offers Joseph E. Evans probably received:  3,297
Number of views of the "World's Best Drunk Bastard Bars" page:  1,086
Number of bars on that page:  284
Number of bars that hate me right now:  284
Number of different pages viewed:  563
How many pages I actually have:  544
Who at LiveStats can explain why more pages were viewed than actually exist:  0
Number of times I've dropped the F-bomb on those pages:  1,405
How proud my parents are of that:  0
Data transfer:  59 Gb
How fucked I would have been if I was still with Websitesource:  A lot

24 November

I'm on vacation until Saturday.  So, if I don't answer mail or respond to you in any way, don't get all pissy.

23 November

The Official Drunk Bastard test of Chaser, the newest anti-hangover pill, is on The Hangover Page.

21 November

From the "Who Really Gives a Shit" Department:  The Is That Gay? page has been archived.  Make it easier to read.  After 187 questions, I thought it was way past necessary.

17 November

My Life is now called What a FUCKIN' WEEK I'm Having!  Seemed more fitting.  New name, same shitty attitude.

16 November

ANOTHER NEW T-SHIRT IN THE GIFT SHOP.  GO SEE.

15 November

If you've never been to the How Much To Fuck That? page, you've gotta see this one.  Good GOD.  Don't do it if you just had lunch.

14 November

NEW GIRLS:  Elisha Cuthbert, Victoria Pratt, and Ali Landry.  Yes, yes, and yes again.

13 November

Q.  What happens when a anti-war guy from England gives me shit?
A.  CLICK HERE AND FIND OUT (read November 11 and November 13)

11 November

NEW T-SHIRT IN THE GIFT SHOP.  GO SEE.

3 November

This is what sucks about being a dot-net domain:

A lot of people (well, enough that it seems worth talking about right now) tell me, "Hey, I went to your website, there's nothing there."

This is because most people are not computer-savvy.  And don't listen.  And when I say that the web address is drunkbastard.net, they go, "Oh, OK," and they type in drunkbastard.com.

I don't own drunkbastard.com.  I've been trying, trust me.  Drunkbastard.com is a pile of shit.  There should be a standards committee for web domains.  If you own a domain and (a) park it for years or (b) put up a pile of shit website, they strip you of the domain.  Well, I think they should do this specifically for me.  Because, just as drunkbastard.com was expiring and my greedy little paws were ready to pounce on it, the fat fuck re-upped for another year.  And put his rat-ass website back up.

Drunkbastard.com WAS down.  There was nothing there for months.  Now, all of a sudden, the same fucktard site is back up.  It's not even about drinking, it's his weak-ass... I don't even know WHY he has it.

Now this is not a jealousy thing because I want the dot-com and don't have it.  Here, look for yourself:  http://www.drunkbastard.com  Tell me what you think.  I've had a better time reading the plastic wrap on a toilet paper four-pack, which I've done at my brother's house on many occasions while taking a dump and God forbid he had a fucking magazine or a newspaper or a book in the head.

(In his defense, he has bought the Uncle John's Bathroom Reader for the bathroom.  ONLY because every single time I went there, I complained that there was nothing to read.)

1 November

The Drunk Bastard Word of the Month:  FUCKTARD

The motherfucker that owns the dot-com drunkbastard domain just re-registered it for another year.  And there's no fucking website.  What a fucktard.

I got an e-mail today from john@drunkbastard.net with a ZIP file.  "Yeah, so the fuck what?" you ask.  Well, I'm pretty fuckin' sure that I don't have a john e-mail account for drunkbastard.net, and I would only guess that the ZIP file is a virus.  SO... if you get an e-mail from any account other than Kenny, and if it has an attachment, and ESPECIALLY if it doesn't sound like something I would write to you, just delete it.  Anyone who (a) comes to this site regularly and (b) has received e-mails from me before should be able to discern a legit e-mail from a spam asshole e-mail in about three nanoseconds.  What fucktards.

October's Drunk Bastards:

Visitors:  48,040
How many of those visitors were from Pakistan, Iran, Saudi Arabia, and Syria:  128
How many bombs are currently on their way to my house via UPS:  128
How many visitors were from Maldives:  1
How many people lives on Maldives:  329,684
Where I got that information from:  The CIA World Factbook
Seeing as how the CIA can't find Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar, or Saddam Hussein, the odds that any of the information on Maldives is right:  1:1000
Number of internet users on Maldives:  6,000
How many visitors were referred from some other site:  31,018
How many of those were "referred" from drunkbastard.net - this site:  12,652
How many people can satisfactorily explain why my own domain gets registered as a referring URL:  0
How many of the remaining 18,366 were from Google:  8,161
How many of the 8,754 404 page views were probably from outdated links on Google:  8,161
How many pages does my site stats say were "entry points":  23,346
How many people can explain the almost 25,000 person discrepancy between that number and the total visitors number, which should coincide, if not be really close to each other:  0
How many people think my site stats reports are useless:  23,346
Hits:  912,023
How much the stat "hits" really means:  FUCKING ZERO
Page views:  78,738
How many of those were of girls on the Girl Of The Moment:  3,076
How many guys jerked off last month:  at least 3,076

31 October

I have moved the Drunk Bastard Cocktail Guide and How To Stock Your Wet Bar to the main index, thereby eliminating the waste of space that was "The Alcohol Pages."  I wrote a nice send-off for "The Alcohol Pages":

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Kenny.  He dreamed of being an astronaut, or a doctor, or a cartoonist, or the third baseman for the Yankees.  Then Kenny grew up, realized he didn't want to be - or couldn't physically be - any of those things, started drinking a lot (not because of the aforementioned career shortcomings), and came up with his own website.  And on this site he put lots of things.  One of those things was a section called "The Alcohol Pages."  But as the site grew, and grew... and... grew... like a fucking weed... the alcohol pages became the grandmother in the corner at Thanksgiving that mostly everyone forgets about except for the cat and one little kid who all the other kids pick on.  You know, the one stocking drooping below the knee, she smells like old cheese and dust... anyway, "The Alcohol Pages" was that grandmother.  So I moved the two things that were here, The Drunk Bastard Cocktail Guide and How To Stock Your Wet Bar, to the main index, leaving this little eulogy for poor old gramma so that when you were sent here from a Google search (or you may insert your favorite engine here), you wouldn't just get the 404 page that took me minutes to write and has made its way 'round the world and go on your merry way.  So, see where it says "CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE HOME PAGE" right below this babble you're reading?  Well... what the fuck are you waiting for, dammit?!  CLICK IT!  Jeez, do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?

I'm going to overhaul the Humor Pages this weekend, and try to pare down the site a little.  I fixed the fuckup on the Booze-Free Humor page, I'm getting around to working on what opens in frames, new windows, whole pages... what a fucking pain in my beanbag this is.

30 October

The Gift Shop now has Fitted T-shirts!

29 October

News of the Bizarre has been updated with several new stories.

26 October

I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that the Drunk Bastard Forum software is installed.  The bad news... I don't have $199 to buy the license.  So it will be a couple of weeks before I get the dough together.

25 October

WHOEVER IT WAS THAT SENT IN THE BAR SUBMISSION ABOUT LT. DARYL NELSON:  "CJ" - e-mail me, someone wants to get in touch with you.

23 October

The word "fuck" appears 1,289 times on this website.  Kiddies, read away.

20 October

CONTEST ALERT:

I am currently in the midst of working with Sevy (http://www.se7en-x.com) on a contest for our peeps.  Stay tuned.

13 October

Three new girls for Girl Of The Moment - Eva Herzigova, Susan Ward, and Kylie Bax.

9 October

Any and all Drunk Bastard Members:  There is now a referral program in place - check that e-mail I sent you.  The one you probably deleted without reading.  Between the bigger-penis-now e-mail and the low-mortgage-rates e-mail.

8 October

New Shirt in the Gift Shop:  "I Do Drunk Chicks"  BUY IT HERE

3 October

NEW RANT

Stats for September 2003 (because someone might get off on this):

Visitors:  44,356
Page Views:  65,423
Bandwidth Used:  35Gb

2 October

A TECHIE GEEK MOMENT:

Recently I bought an HP iPaq 2210 handheld.  This is quickly taking the place of my brain.  I bought it because it kicks ass, and I have a WiFi card so I can download porn at hundreds of wi-fi hotspot locations in the city.  But, I've been having a problem with the fucker intermittently shutting off.

I'm sure there are some of you that have bought an iPaq.  And, probably some of you have had the same problem as me.  If you have, download this flash:

http://www.spritesoftware.com/downloads/SpriteWakeUpService.zip

Unzip it and dump it into the Windows folder on your iPaq.  Yes, you want to overwrite the old file.  I have posted this because I spent way too long on way too many phone calls with idiot tech support monkeys at HP before I got someone with a brain in his head who actually performed the title of his position.

OK, back to the drinking...

25 September

If you've ever been leery of people selling things on eBay, read "My Life" for today.

The laminator is on its way.  Those Drunk Bastard ID cards will be sent out by the end of the week.  Thanks to everyone who signed up who didn't send nasty e-mails about them.

16 September

FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE SIGNED UP FOR MEMBERSHIPS:

No, I didn't forget about you, and I'm not ignoring you.  I have to get a laminator for the cards.  And I'll be damned if I'm forking over $100 for two rollers with a heater.  So, I'm looking on eBay for one.  As soon as I get it I will start printing everything and mailing the stuff out.

I am also working on the members-only Gift Shop.  As soon as everything is in place I will e-mail you and let you know.  My shit's kind of disorganized right now between the friends being in town last week and the new job.

13 September

SEE THE DRUNK BASTARD IN ACTION!

That's right, I will be the guest bartender at Iggy's Keltic Lounge, located at 132 Ludlow Street in NY on Thursday, September 18th.  For a map of how to get there...

http://www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?country=US&address=132+Ludlow+&city=New+York&state=NY

Take the F train to Essex Street or the J and M trains to Delancey.

I will be behind the bar from 10 p.m. until midnight.  Stop by, let's blow the roof off this joint.  In a figurative sense...

3 September

Anyone purchasing ANYTHING from the Drunk Bastard Gift Shop is eligible for a lifetime Drunk Bastard membership.  Hell, why not?

28 August

New Girls Of The Moment:  Elisa Bridges, Almudena Fernandez, Adriana Sklenarikova.  Hot, hot, and hot.

27 August

My new goofball idea.  It seemed like a funny idea at the time.  It's still in the infancy stage, so cut me some slack.

Hey Steve L., thanks bro.

25 August

In my inbox this morning (along with seventeen more viruses):

Sent: Monday, August 25, 2003 8:40 AM
Subject: nuke em section comments

I am a U.S. Marine. I have been so for 5 years. The "Nuke Em" section is awesome. I showed you site to the other Marines at my station in Newburgh NY, and they love it. we especially like the story of the 9 year old boy. I married a woman, who is wonderful, and her family are liberals. I haven't met too many people up in NY that believe we did the right thing with Iraq. But that story (which I printed out) is the best way to show someone that we ARE in danger if some wacko does this to his own people and hates us as much. Most people believe in a peaceful world without war, even I, but it will not happen anytime soon due to the ones in our world with almost unbridled power, and little or no respect for his fellow man. Liberals do not see a threat to our borders unless we are invaded. You kick ass

Cpl Adam W. Bauman

United States Marine Corps

My reply:

No, YOU guys kick ass.  Me, I just like to talk alot and tell people when they're being stupid.

24 August

Ol' Father Grabadick got his Last Rites in prison.  What do I think?  Ya think it MAY BE a Rant?  A dozen drinks and two Percoset later and I feel fine.  I think...

22 August

The Gift Shop selection grows again.  Guys, new T-shirt - "Hey Girls, It May Be Short, But It's Skinny."  My philosophy is, tell 'em it's small and see if they get curious.  Besides, they never believe you when you say you're hung like a moose.

OK, so I pinched a nerve in my right foot Tuesday morning, and although the pain has subsided to the point that I can walk around the house, I still can't do any sort of exercise shit like walk or a bike ride, so I'm pretty much housebound.  On top of that, I caught a fucking head cold - yes, in August - and I spent the whole night awake and blowing my nose and sneezing, so I feel really good right now.  Although I might go to the Yankee game tonight if I can get a seat.  No bleacher seats, fuck it.  So, since I have nothing of severe importance to do today, I am going to spend it adding girls to the Girl of the Moment page.  Those girls are (for those of you horny bastards who are curious:  Adriana Sklenarikova, Ali Landry, Almudena Fernandez, Amanda Marcum, Ana Hickman, Carmen Electra, Daisy Fuentes, Debbie Dunning, Donna Derrico, Elisa Bridges, Elisha Cuthbert, Eliza Dushku, Erika Eleniak, Eva Habermann, Eva Herzigova, Heather Graham, Heidi Klum, Holly Valance, Jamie Lynn Sigler, Jessica Alba, Jordana Brewster, Kate Hudson, Kim Cattrall, Kirsten Dunst, Kristy Swanson, Kylie Bax, Laetitia Casta, Leah Remini, Leonor Varela, Maria Grazia Cucinotta, Mira Sorvino, Natalie Imbruglia, Natasha Henstridge, Nell McAndrew, Nikki Ziering, Petra Nemcova, Rachel Nichols, Renee Zellweger, Samantha Fox, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Shakira, Shannen Doherty, Susan Ward, Traci Lords, Uma Thurman, Vanessa Lorenzo, Victoria Pratt, and Virginie LeDoyen.  Whew.  Well, what do you think I did while I was awake all night?  Crochet?  It might take me a while to get them all up.

20 August

My internet service has been shit for three days.  I've had 40 e-mails with viruses sent to me.  You know what that means, boys and girls?  It's time for a Rant!

16 August

Five more weeks before the vacation starts that I was supposed to go on yesterday... long story, but the most important thing is that there are THREE new girls for the "Girl Of The Moment" page.  Gisele Bundchen, Keira Knightley, and Victoria Beckham.  Mmmmm...

Also, I put two new Triumph The Insult Comic Dog videos in the Weird Shit section.

And, for those of you who want to help the site out, the Drunk Bastard Gift Shop is coming along nicely.  I've put up a ton of shirts, a few other items, and I'm designing more.  Check it out.  NOW!

12 August

News Of The Bizarre has been updated, for those of you who get off on that sort of thing.  And there's more stuff at the Drunk Bastard Gift Shop, including our newest (and maybe best) shirt ever!

10 August

The Drunk Bastard Gift Shop is up and running!  Well, a few things, anyway.  I'll be adding more stuff as the day goes on, since I really don't feel like moving a whole lot today.

7 August

Well, up until now, three - yes, THREE - women have signed the petition.  Maybe women just don't care.  Or they never come here in the first place...

1 August

There's a new forum - a SEX forum!  (woo-hoo!)  A REAL, LIVE GIRL (you geeks) will answer all your sex questions right HERE!  Just click on the Sex With Staci icon on the left!

I've finished updating the graphics for the site.  See, I'm on the wagon until August 16th, and well, I needed something to do on a Friday night.  And it's exactly 11 p.m. now, I'm done, and I reallyreallyREALLY want to get drunk.

31 July

All forms work again.  How Much To Fuck That will be extended to Sundays to make up for the fact that no one could send anything for three days.

LADIES:  Don't forget to sign the petition!

30 July

(1)  Forms are still down...  I'm not getting anything, so I assume they don't work.  Hopefully they'll be back up soon.

(2)  The "F" word now appears on this website 1,071 times.  Call Guinness, we may have a new record.

(3)  I was blowing off things to do and fucking (1,072) around with my site stats...  from April 28 until today (3 months, 2 days):

116,393 visitors ... 1,968,346 hits ... 52,708,340 Kb (50.26 Gb) bandwidth used

25 July

Andy made a donation, but the thanks-for-the-cash e-mail I sent got sent back.  So, hey Andy, thanks bro.

22 July

I am going to start adding pictures to the existing Girls of the Moment.  I added two to Patricia Barros, the rest will be updated soon.  I also have to come up with a new Girl.  The joys of not having a life.

21 July

Some girl told me that she was "completely repulsed" by the How Much To Fuck That page.  Yeah, well at least I don't smell like fish.

18 July

New entry in the "Rantings of a Crazy Drunk."

10 July

Less than 24 hours to vote on the "How Much To Fuck That?" page.  New pigs tomorrow.

3 July

This was in my e-mail:

>i dont think wha you wrote about my father last year was funny you asshole...
>donald sromovski the cop who was arrested for burgalry was a good man and he
>was my father man if i know you id kick you ass so fast .. your website sux
>ass by the way u fucking asshole

"wha" I wrote about his father was actually a reprint of a new article in the "News of the Bizzare" section, which you can read by clicking HERE.  So... I replied:

Number one, I have no idea what you are talking about, number two, if you knew me you'd think twice about trying to kick my ass, and number three, I personally don't give a fuck what a little twirp cunt pussyfart like you thinks about the site.  Hope your dad's not bending over for the soap.  Tell him I said hi and to keep it out of his mouth.

xxoo
kenny

I like using the xxoo in e-mails.  Hugs and kisses.  Makes me feel like I'm being sensitive.

25 June

Well, a night of drinking has inspired another page that is sure to inspire more what-kind-of-fucking-asshole-ARE-you? comments from site visitors.  How Much To Fuck That?  A nice little diversion.  Guys, check it out.  Girls, well, you've been warned.

2 June

Start -> Turn Off Computer -> Turn Off.  Vacation starts in 22 hours, 45 minutes.  And seeing as how I have no time to dilly-dally before, it's time to shut her down.  See you in a week.  I'll have some good drunk stories for y'all.

30 May

So much for being smart.  Because of a little bitty screw up (by me) in my e-mail, I didn't get about 50 bars and drinks to add to the site.  Oh, and about 30 viruses.  So it looks like I have some fucking typing to do.

29 May

So the votes are coming in for who should be the next "Girl Of The Moment," including:

28 May

Got this e-mail today:

Hello, I came across your email on the internet while looking at profiles of someone who lives close to me and I thought I would drop you a quick email. I just turned 25 and have decided to become a grade school teacher after getting my bachelors in education. I'm single at the moment, but I'm still looking for someone to show me a good time around town. I am new to the area, so I don't have a lot of friends, or even acquaintances yet. I'd love to find someone special to show me around town and all the cool places hang out. Write me back at cutie_465_pie_9@hotmail.com if you are interested in becomming friends.


Nicole
 

Best part is, I got it seven times.  The last names were different, but the first name was always Nicole or Nikki.  Well, I'm the kind of guy who gets a crank call and then insults the crank caller so much they get pissed and hang up on me.  So, being the gregarious person I am, I replied:

Sure, that sounds great, I'm always looking for new friends. I'm 62, about 5foot 3, weight about 320 pounds, but I'm not that bad looking. Maybe we can go to a buffet somewhere and eat, then we'll go for a drive, maybe park somewhere, and I can stick my raging hard-on right into your ass. It may be a little short, but it's pretty thick, and I love going through the back door with it. If it sounds like a plan, let me know. I'll bring the K-Y.

I think she'll go for it, right?  What girl could resist?

27 May

I need help in picking the next "Girl Of The Moment," so go to the page and vote, dammit!

25 May

Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes...  well, maybe not that mythological...  "My Life" is back.  Read up.  Bitch...

20 May

Ever think you're missing out on some little corner of the site you haven't seen?  Find everything right here on the SITE MAP.

13 May

Steph and Lola Do Umass:  http://stephandlola.blogspot.com

Kenny does Hell:  CLICK HERE

Methinks I'm in love...

8 May

For any of you liberal tree-hugging assholes in the U.S. who don't think that we should have wiped out Saddam:

3 May

A few new questions posed in Is That Gay?  Inquiring minds want to know...

26 April

Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in.

After an attempt to regain some of my sanity and kill the site, it has come back like Jason from Friday XIII, partly because of the numerous e-mails I received titled with such beautiful witticisms as, "You Suck!" and several verbal threats to have physical violence performed on my person (said in jest... I hope.)

However, there will be some minor changes.  Read My Life.

11 April

So I get home from work, tired, cranky, and looking forward to two WHOLE days off, and I get this e-mail about the Nude Girl page:

I was at your website with all the pretty girls on it and I saw the place to click for nude pics of that person. You are a self righteous fuck!!! You are another one of society's drones. Programmed from birth to think a certain way. Let me guess, you are religous. There is nothing wrong with a person that is wearing their birthday suit. Their is likewise nothing wrong with a person that has a natural desisre to view a person in nothing but their birthday suit. YOU ARE A HYPOCRITE AND A DRONE! HAVE A SHITTY LIFE!

Wow, someone needs to lighten up, eh?  So, allow me to retort:

Society's drones?  Programmed from birth?  Religious?  A hypocrite?  Do you even know what half of those things mean?  Probably not.
 
You stupid fuck, you apparently are a twisted, way-undersexed fourteen year-old who has nothing better to do than search the internet for pictures to jerk your substandard pecker to.  You also apparently have no fucking sense of humor, you pimple-faced eight-grader.  Buy a dog and name it Clue, then you'll have one.  The page is meant to be a joke.  If you had actually READ it rather than clicked off it immediately because the Vaseline in your left hand was drying up and didn't want to waste it, you might have seen that.  My recommendation to you is to (a) stop jerking off so much, and (b) lighten the fuck up.
 
--kenny

Ah, ripping another assclown a new asshole, how I DO love it.

3 April

E-MAIL PROBLEM:  I know that the e-mail account for this site has been shit.  If you need to e-mail me and are having trouble with Kenny, get me at kennystewart56@hotmail.com until the problem is fixed.

The World's Best Drunk Bastard Bars page submissions have been updated with the ones that were sent to a dead account for the last month.  Thanks to everyone, and The Arizona Cowgirl - I'll be at Dos Gringos in June, baby.

The Girl of the Moment turned a year old, and I didn't even know.  Well, as a belated birthday present, I give you Kari Wuhrer.  Ah, the things I used to dream of doing to her back in the mid-'80s, if she only knew.  If she only knew, she'd probably puke.

I've decided that this mostly-sober thing is for the birds.  I am reminded of the words of Joe E. Lewis, who said once, "I went on a diet, swore off eating and heavy drinking, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks."  Now, the main dilemma is finding (a) the time to drink and (b) a decent bartender from Tuesday through Friday, since Paula, my usual bartender, is off those nights.  Anyone have any suggestions or offers?

29 March

EMAIL PROBLEM:  I know that a lot of you are getting e-mails returned that you have sent me.  I'm having my server look at the problem.  If you want, you can send mail to kennystewart56@hotmail.com until the problem is worked out.

26 March

OK, so even an asshole like me admits when he put his foot in his mouth so far that his shoe's hanging out his asshole.  You know the page, go read it.  And enjoy it, I don't apologize all that often.  Maybe things have finally just come to a head and gotten out of control.  Maybe I should just give up on this whole thing.  Maybe the site has jumped the shark.

25 March

A new letter exchange on the Nuke'Em, Nuke 'Em, NUKE 'EM! page.

18 March

I'd like to finish updating the site, but I've gone back to the 12-hour day at work with no days off, so I don't know when I'll be on it.  Maybe I can do a little here, a little there...

This guy has a problem with me soliciting donations:

You have to understand one thing and one thing Only!
Cheap is Good.... Free is BETTER.
as long as FREE shit is available on the Internet,
WE will Strive for as much FREE shit as We can get!!
You do have a Decent site but I WILL find another if you Falter!
 
This is Why People have gone to MSN Groups or Yahoo Groups to continue their Work .......It's FREE!!!
I don't make jack shit for $$$, but I'm lucky enough to access the Internet at ALL!
It's cool to find a website such as yours, cause it makes me look at the lighter side of things when I'm feeling shitty!
 
BUT!! .....I WILL find another if you can't handle your own end of the deal.
 
Sorry.....But it"s just the TRUTH

I had a long day.  Here was my reply:

First off, how would I "falter"?  And what is my "end of the deal"?
 
I don't charge for access to the site, all I was asking that if someone (not you, apparently) wanted to throw a fiver or whatever in the kitty, go ahead.  What fucking "deal" would I be "faltering" on?  The deal where I write shit and you read it and I pay for keeping the site up?  Wow, sounds like a great deal to me.
 
If you want to go "find another website" go right ahead.  Personally, while I don't enjoy pissing people off, I couldn't give a ratfuck if you want to be offended because I'm whoring donations.  I'm not telling you to go somewhere else, because I couldn't give a shit if you do or not.  I don't know you, and since you hitting my site isn't doing anything positive in my life, I really don't give a shit if you throw your computer out the window and live under a tree eating apples and writing shitty poetry.  Or do something less drastic like don't look at my site anymore.
 
Lighten up.

I mean, what the fuck?

17 March

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  In case you haven't seen it, we have the Official Drunk's Guide to St Patrick's Day right HERE (click, dummy)!

16 March

Nothing big.  Updated a lot of the header graphics, going to start making the site a lot more graphics-intensive.  Already reached 7 Gb in traffic this month, most of which happened after the Weird Shit section went up.  23,431 visitors in 15+ days, not bad.  Just another day of work.

Oh, and for those of you who think I'm foul-mouthed, I counted how many times I used the word "fuck" somewhere on this website.  It just came to me on a whim.  Including that last one in the previous sentence, it's 909 times.  When I get to a thousand, I'll stop.

15 March

New letter added to Nuke'Em, Nuke 'Em, NUKE 'EM!

14 March

Where's the peaceniks?  Where's all the "The U.S. Is Bad and Leave Iraq Alone" contingent?  One person in a week has dared debate me?  Could the no-war movement be really a facade?  Or are you peaceniks just that unsure about how to argue - or your position - that you don't want to argue?  AIM, Messenger, ICQ, e-mail - how many more ways can I make it easier for you to argue your flower-sniffing peacenik point of view?

I've taken the e-mails, monologues, and debates in regards to the whole imminent Iraqi ass-kicking and put them in a nice, little page all their own.  Nuke'Em, Nuke 'Em, NUKE 'EM!  Go read it if you have the balls.

On a lighter note, as of 7:32 a.m. today, drunkbastard.net has received 20,277 visitors this month, 371,843 hits, and 39,803 page views, and has used 5 Gb of bandwidth.  To put it in a nutshell, if I was still with Websitesource, the site would probably be shut down by tomorrow until the first of the month.  Repeat after me:  FUCK WEBSITESOURCE!

New in the Weird Shit section:  15 videos of Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog.  Fetch, boy!

12 March

WEIRD SHIT:  Videos, cartoons, Flash animation, and more.  Check it out.

11 March

So I've challenged the world to a live debate on Iraq.  I gave every possible method I have to contact me and tell me I'm wrong.  You know how many people did?  Zero.

I take that back.  I had a good little diatribe.  Look in the My Life section.

Also, look for new videos, games, and toys as I expand the site over the next week.  I found a whole bunch of goodies in a folder somewhere on my hard drive.

8 March

Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, August 30th, Giants Stadium.  Tickets went on sale this morning.  I wanted two.  Read My Life and find out what happened.

7 March

The Great Debate is on!

This is from "My Life":

Here's my question:  What if everything today was the same, but it was someone else in the Oval Office?  What if it was Gore?  Or Perot?  Or Mickey Mouse?  Would there be more support for a US invasion to knock the Iraqi Stalin out of power?  If you take ALL the facts:  support for terrorists, including bin Laden;  a history of murder of his own people;  history of military action against his neighbors;  the rape of Kuwait;  evidence of violations of UN resolutions... the list goes on.  Has the world REALLY become this stupid?  I think it was George Santayana who said, "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it."  Not only should we remember the past in regards to the man, but human history as well.

Please, someone ARGUE WITH ME.  Give me a well-written, clearly thought out argument against ANYTHING that I have said on this topic over the last year or so.  I BEG YOU.  I am open to debate.  E-mail me at Kenny and tell me why I'm wrong.  If your argument consists entirely of "Bush is a warmonger," then don't even bother.  I will not entertain simple-minded statements.  I want people who actually use their fucking brains that God gave them to put together a well-thought out, legible argument against any position I've made.

I am even going to make this easier for you:

If you are just ITCHING to argue and can't wait for an e-mail response, get me on either Messenger (Kenny), AIM (beerisfood02), or ICQ (151142294).  I'll be here the next couple of days recovering from a severe work hangover, so there's a good chance we can banter live.

There.  That's four different ways to contact me.  I've given you everything but my home address and phone number, and um, no, you're not getting that.  I've met a few of you, you people fucking scare me sometimes.

This is the perfect opportunity for ANYONE who disagrees with the shit that I say to tell me off!  Tell me that Saddam is a great guy who we should just forget about!  Defend bin Laden!  Go ahead, you liberal bedwetting fuckheads!  (How's that for trying to foment angry debate?)  But seriously, I am encouraging you to argue with me.  Use AIM, use Messenger, use ICQ, use e-mail.  Tell me what you think.  Argue intelligently.  Hey, it may even become a new page!

6 March

The World's Most Mentally Ill Job Résumé has made the Weekly World News Web Guide for this week.  Just think, the same newspaper that regularly has headlines such as "Nazi Vampire Lesbian Nuns Gives Birth To Nine-Headed Alien Demons" has a link to my site.  I think I'm honored.

To all the war protestors...  read the signs closely...

 

3 March

New Girl Of The Moment:  Estella Warren.  Ah, those big, beautiful lips, wrapped around my ----- uh, mrrph, um, sorry, got carried away for a second.  Yes, a new girl, despite working like a madman.  I am SO committed to you guys...

OK, quick rant:  why do people who scan pictures from magazines insist on coming up with high-tech names for themselves and emblazon said picture with it?  DigiScan, ScanMaster, DigiWiz.  Yeah, you're a real wiz, you pushed a button.  Someone give that fuckin' guy $100K a year, huh?  The ones who make wallpapers out of the pics, OK, that's cool, take the credit.  But for the most part, all these need-to-get-out-of-mom's-basement-more geeks do is scan a picture out of Maxim and slap their gay little logo on it.  Which means when I put it in the Girl section, I have to cut it out of the picture.

Oh, one more nice thing about unlimited bandwidth... I don't have to shrink the pics on the Girl pages to save space.  Full-size pics from now on.  Peckers, stand at attention!  (Um, did that sound gay?  That wasn't supposed to be gay...)

1 March

29,000+ visitors in 28 days, not bad.  And no more bandwidth outages.  Even better.

24 February

The changes to Readyhosting have been done.  If there are any problems with the site puh-LEEZE e-mail me at Kenny with what the problem is.

New pics in The Drunk Bastard Photo Album and The Photo Gallery, both of which are back up.  Some GREAT guys who were at some hippie peace protest can be seen HERE, HERE, and HERE.  Read the signs.

The submission forms on the site are not working.  E-mail me if you need to send something,

Unlimited bandwidth.  The two greatest words on the internet.

22 February

TRANSFER ALARM!  DANGER WILL ROBINSON!

Fucking WSS.  The site is going down (again), probably on the 25th.  I've started the switch to readyhosting, 500 Mb of disk space and all the bandwidth I can eat.  There may be a small time the site is down after the switch occurs, which should be... soon.  So, panic not, fellow drunk bastard.

18 February

I would like to apologize... I've been lax in thanking some of the big contributors (moneywise) to the site - Nish, who works at (what looks like) an absolutely gorgeous resort in/on Seychelles (in the Indian Ocean), and Ellyn, one of my bigger fans that I've never met.  And of course my new sponsor, Phonyid.com.

If you ever wanted to know (or even gave a shit about) how this little diversion got started you can read the page How It All Got Started (look at the bottom of the left frame).  If you don't, well, fuck off.

On a more serious note, a friend of mine sent me this.  Just thought I'd get in the sharing mood...

Subject: NAVY PILOT'S LETTER TO TERRORISTS

Dear Terrorists,

I am Naval Aviator. I was born and raised in a small town in New England.

I come from a family of 5. I was raised in a middle class home and was taught my values by my mother and father.

My dad worked a series of jobs in finance and my mom took care of us kids. We were not an overly religious family but attended church most Sundays.

It was a nice small Episcopal Church. I was the youngest in my family.  I was the first in many generations to attend college.

I have flown naval aircraft for 16 years. For me the flying was never a life long dream or a "calling," it just happened. I needed a job and I liked the challenge. I continue to do it today because I feel it is important to give back to a nation, which has given so much to me. I do it because, although I will never be rich, my family will be comfortable. I do it because many of my friends have left for the airlines and someone has to do it.

My government has spent millions to train me to fly these multi-million dollar aircraft. I make about 70,000 dollars a year and after 20 years will be offered a pension.

I like baseball but think the players make too much money. I am in awe of firemen and policemen and what they do each day for my community. I respect my elders and always use sir or ma'am when addressing a stranger.

I'm not sure about kids these days but I think that's normal for every generation. I voted for George Bush not for his IQ but because I like him. I think I made a pretty good choice.

I tell you all this because when I come for you I want you to know me.  I won't be hiding behind a woman or a child. I won't be disguised or pretending to be something I am not.

I will be in a US issue flight suit. I will be wearing standard US issue flight gear, and I will be flying a Navy aircraft clearly marked as a US warplane.

I wish we could meet up close in a small room where I could wrap my hands around your throat and slowly squeeze the life out of you but, unfortunately, you're hiding in a hole in the ground so we will have to do this a different way.

I want you to know also that I am very good at what I do. I can put a 2,000-lb weapon through a window from 10,000 feet up. I generally only fight at night so you may want to start sleeping during the day. I am not eager to die for my country but I am willing to sacrifice my life to protect it from animals like you. I will do everything in my power to ensure no civilians are hurt as I take aim at you.

My countrymen are a forgiving bunch. Many are already forgetting what you did on Sept 11th. But I will not forget and my President will not forget.

I am coming. I hope you know me a little bit better now. See you soon...sleep tight.

Signed ............a US Navy Pilot

17 February

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!  Fuck, let it STOP snowing! 

9 February

The initial oxygen tank hangover cure was a success.  More research is needed.

The Drunk Bastard Photo Album is back up.  Happy Jen?

8 February

There are now 141 bars representing the finest drinking in sixteen countries on the World's Best Drunk Bastard Bars page.  I've even been to a few of 'em.

7 February

Additions to The Photo Gallery and The Cartoon Gallery, including the world-famous "Masturbation Kills Kittens" pic (the one Se7en-x likes getting sent so much...)

3 February

I am going to open a lighter version of LastCallWear.  For those of you new here, LastCallWear was the page where you could order shirts and hats.  There apparently is a need for DrunkBastard products.  Or, at least the people who e-mail me say there is.  So, I'm working on new products with CafePress like calendars, lunchboxes, teddy bears, etc.  I really need a good drunk to get it all done right.

1 February

New layout for Girl Of The Moment page.  Should make things easier.

What a difference a year makes...

January 2002:  49,797 hits / 5,916 unique visitors
January 2003:  567,183 hits / 29,855 unique visitors

The 404 page:  10,940 views last month

27 January

My little baby's all grown up...  the "404 error page" will get 10,000 hits this month.  That is the most hits any single page has ever received on this site.  I'm so proud.

Think I may have found a new webhost.  We'll have to see.  I still have two months to make up my mind.

25 January

The little problem we all had (yes, me included) with the site was a complete outage at Websitesource.  Not only was my site down, but theirs as well (including the help desk).  How nice.

Hey, new page:  "Is That Gay?"

23 January

Just got my "Your domain name expires in 30 days" notice from directNIC.  So, I guess it's time to renew, because God forbid I ever let the site go away and wasn't able to vent to the faceless masses at my every drunken (and sober) whim, what EVER would I do?

21 January

The "Drunk Bastard Photo Album" and the "Photo Gallery" are down for "maintenance" (translation:  bandwidth is getting close to critical mass).

15 January

I'd like to welcome everyone from scoobynet.co.uk, the latest group to find the "CLICK HERE FOR NUDE PICS OF HER" page in the "Girl Of The Moment" section.  347 times.  There's always one person who thinks that it's a legitimate 404 page, instead of the Kenny-esque insult-a-thon that it is.

13 January

New Girl of the Moment:  Izabella Scorupco.  What was that you said?  "Who the FUCK is Izabella Scera... Scoro... Scorca... who the FUCK is SHE?"  Go look.  You'll be taking lessons on speaking Polish by week's end.

8 January

To the moron who submitted this on the "Hangover Page":

IF YOU REALLY DON'T WANT THE HANGOVER,THEN SIMPLY DON'T DRINK DUMBASS!

Thanks for the advice from the Friends of Bill W.  Go drink your double latte and leave me the fuck alone.

1 January 2003

Happy fuckin' New Year.  I found an old baby picture of mine, now I know why I was such a popular little boy.. You can look at it by clicking HERE.

On a serious note...  I hope everyone has a better 2003 than they had a 2002, no matter how good 2002 was.  Or wasn't. 

30 December

May have found a new web host as of 31 March.  Like you give a shit...

28 December

QUICK NOTE:  How hard is it for people to write in proper English?  I was fucking around looking at cheats for GTA: Vice City (I've locked myself in the house for two days with my PS2 and a pizza) and came across a page full of sentences like:

When you get to the gas station select the chainsaw and then when the guy comes through the parking lot then hit the button and then he will run chase him for a few seconds the car will start and then jump on top when you see the lights come on hit the button again watch what happens

No, that's not an actual cheat, but that's the way these kids write.  I assume they are kids, PLEASE don't tell me adults write like that.

27 December

Looks like we'll make that fuckin' bandwidth limit this month!  Woo-hoo!

7 December

Just when you thought I'd never write another Rant again, I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

What else is back?  News Of The Bizarre - yes, I've started collecting all that bullshit again.

4 December

So, as I'm looking through my files on the server, I come across a file called "dead letter."  Since I know that I never created anything like that, I opened it.  Apparently, many submissions from you guys have been relegated to this file.  So I extracted what I could and posted it in the appropriate places.  No, I wasn't ignoring you.

GIRL OF THE MOMENT - PICK THE NEXT GIRL.  Go there.  NOW.

1 December

OK, we're back again.  A whole week we were down.  A more text-driven menu set should reduce those bandwidth blues.  Plus, they'll load faster.  Fast is good.

23 November

I'm paring down the site.  LastCallWear - it was nice knowin' ya.  The Otis Award - yeah, have a nice drive home, toodaloo.  We're getting bandwidth-bombed again, so I'll see you December 1.  Just too many pics on this site, ya know?

1 November

Back again...  I think the thing I wrote for today in "My Life" is quite possibly the most psychotic thing I've done in a while.

28 October

Danger!  Danger Will Robinson!  Where's Robby the Robot when you need him?

Site's going down again for a few days - that pesky bandwidth thing again.  I have less than 400Mb of bandwidth left of my 6Gb monthly allowance, so it should be down on the 29th.  Fear not, drunkass, it will be back up on the 1st as soon as the counters reset themselves.  Go get a beer or twelve and chill.  I'm tired of fighting the bandwidth demon.

27 October

The most popular page on this site?  The 404 error page.  It was viewed 4449 times over the last 26 days.  I read one guy's post on another site who said:

"I honestly don't believe he drinks as much as he says, otherwise he wouldn't have enough brain cells left to write such witty stuff."

Shows how much HE knows.

25 October

New "Girl of the Moment" - Sung Hi Lee.

THE FUCK COUNT:  The word "fuck" (or its derivatives) appears in this website (as of right now) a total of 612 times.  The greatest number on a single page is 61 occurrences in the "My Life" for June 2002.  I am a foulmouthed fuck.  OK, 613 times.

19 October

So, a lot of people ask me, "How much traffic does your website get?"  So, for those of you who actually give a shit, since 28 Feb 2001, a period of 598 days, we've had 4,158,500 hits.  Exactly.  Of course, the term "hit" means any picture, file, etc. that someone sees on a page, not including thge page itself.  Some pages on this site can have ten or fifteen individual graphics, meaning that there are eleven or sixteen "hits" for looking at one page, although most of the pages on this site would only register as one "hit," since they are text-only pages or single pictures.  That is why I never put any faith in the term "hit" as a measure of web traffic, either on this site or any other one.  So, if you go by page views, I've had 322,099 of those since 3 February 2002 when I started tracking them (264 days), viewed by 199,766 individual visitors (since 28 Feb 2001).  Not bad for a little site about getting drunk.  Especially if you consider that over the first 103 days, I only had over 100 visitors ONCE.  Since memepool.com put me on the map, this site has averaged 395 visitors per day, and since switching from Interland to Websitesource as a host, it averages 557 visitors viewing 1396 pages per day.  When comparing the last 50 days with Interland and the first 50 days with WSS, traffic increased almost 50 visitors per day, or a 14.1% increase in traffic between webhosting services.

I really really REALLY need a fucking life, huh?

10 October

Got good and drunk last night.  Paying for it today.  Unfortunately, no good stupid shit to talk about.

26 September

Wish I had something good to talk about, but I don't.  Sucks having a job that's "security sensitive."  Takes away so many good stories.

13 September

Guess who's alive?

16 August

I would really like to bring new humor to the site, if I could only find any.  The "new" jokes out now are older than my fuckin' dogs.

Going to NY for a week for work.  Maybe I'll get some good shit there.

13 August

I have one week to get a place to live in NY, ship stuff, sell stuff, and move.  I may not be updating this for a while.  I have bigger fish to fry.

3 August

New Rant.  Same old drunkass.  I'm going to bed.  The Rant is staying up.  Go figure.

I've opened the Newsletter for submissions from the general public.  The proposition frightens me, but I'm going to do it anyway.  Go to the Newsletter page HERE and send something in.

1 August

Back from another bandwidth-related outage.  I'm updating graphics so this stops.  God do my balls itch.

28 July

We have a new link - Club Beer - www.clubbeer.co.uk - Check it out, you drunk fuck.

26 July

In the event that this site DOES go down (which by my calculations, will be on the 29th), do not fret - it will be back up on August 1 when the new month starts and the bandwidth counter resets.  Down to 630 Mb left for the month.  I'm going to need to tweak this site just a bit on the graphics side to keep this from happening.

The good news is that we have had 19,519 visitors this month, the second best month in the history of the IADB (but far short of the month I was on memepool and drew over 30,000).  The steady increase in traffic is cool, now if I could get some of these bastards to buy shirts.  I gotta feed the beast somehow.

Hey, want to hear more about the stupid fucking roommate?  Check out "My Life" for today.

25 July

Down to my last 800 Mb of bandwidth for the month, seven days to go.  Going to have to change some stuff around or the site will go down about the 29th.

18 July

The Hangover Page is now up - cures and remedies, and you can submit your own.

17 July

Girl of the Moment pages are back up - we figured out the .htaccess file.

16 July

CALL OFF THE DOGS:  Kenny got a job.

14 July

New "Girl Of The Moment":  Catherine Bell

12 July

Someone told me that I use "the F word" too much.  I did a scan on this site, and of the 455 pages in DRUNKBASTARD.NET (455 pages?  What the hell?  I need a life), the "F word" appears on 80 of them for a total of 510 times.  Wow.  Maybe I am a pottymouth.

New pics in the Drunk Bastard Photo Album.

10 July

I won't be around much to update this, I'll be teaching myself Java 2, Dreamweaver MX, ColdFusion 5.0, JBuilder 6.0, and Fireworks MX.  Sounds like fun, huh?

8 July

New formatting:

Now I just have to get rid of this nasty bottle flu.

4 July

Happy Fourth, everyone!  I know I've been slacking on keeping the site updated and current, I've been busy and lazy.  And tomorrow, I have to drive four people from Bangladesh to the Grand Canyon (they are from Bangladesh, I'm not picking them up there - just in case you weren't sure).  So, I will be out of commission tomorrow.  But Sunday... ah, Sunday...  new "News," new "My Life" segment (in a van for nine hours with those four should lend themselves to good stories), new pics in the Photo Gallery, new layout for the Photo and Cartoon Galleries, the hits just keep on coming.  Oh, and I have to finish on another website so I can pay my rent this month.  How the FUCK did the last month go by so friggin' fast?

1 July

We were down over the weekend because of bandwidth issues.  I exceeded the 6 Gb I am allowed each month.  A bunch of bulletin board dorks linked to a bunch of pictures on this site, sucking bandwidth like you wouldn't believe.  I am going to have to start monitoring the web stats and remove pictures that are getting hits without page views.

I'm debating whether to continue the "News of the Bizarre."  There's just too many fucked-up people out there to keep up on it.  I dunno.  Maybe I just need a vacation.

19 June

I FUCKING HATE Barry Bonds.  CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT WHY.

New T-Shirts:  FUCK BARRY BONDS and I DO STUPID SHIT FOR PUSSY.

5 June

Would you like to feel better about yourself?  READ THIS

Viruses, viruses everywhere.  My Otis e-mail account has been hit with probably twenty over the last week, usually the Klem virus.  None of my other accounts have, just that one.  It's getting to the point that I'm going to have to change his e-mail account name to stop it.  Is anyone else getting hammered like this, or is it just me?  http://securityresponse.symantec.com/avcenter/venc/data/w32.klez.removal.tool.html

1 June

"My Life (Or Something Like It)" - the fucked-up shit that happens to me on a daily basis, for your amusement.

28 May

Woo-hoo!  My webhost increased my bandwidth allowance by 50% (6Gb)!  Now I can put up some really cool shit!  I'm getting the feeling I'm getting much more excitement from this than you...

26 May

Wanna feel like a dork and a useful part of the scientific community at the same time?  http://setiathome.ssl.berkeley.edu - it's the SETI Project, and they have had for some time a screensaver that will help analyze radio telescope signals in the effort to find out if there is intelligent life in the universe, because there really isn't any here.  Either that, or they're just screwing with all of us.

Watched "In Memoriam" on HBO tonight.  Nice to know that almost nine months later I can get just as angry about the WTC as I did then.  Good show, I recommend it.

23 May

New Girl Of The Moment:  Vanessa Marcil.

22 May

I know, I haven't updated the girl for over a week now, don't fret, just trying to decide who's next.

20 May

Good news and bad news for those of who who visit here on a regular basis to see what twisted and sordid crap has oozed out of my skull lately.  The good news is that I have more pictures, another Tale From The Bar, another Ranting Of A Crazy Drunk, and a new girl to put up in the Girl Of The Moment shrine.  The BAD news is that I'm tired and don't feel like writing/posting that stuff.  Maybe Wednesday.  See, one of my best friends informed me that tomorrow (Tuesday) we will be drinking.  For him to notify me of something that we do almost religiously on Tuesdays leads me to one conclusion:  we're drinking more than usual.  I already have the hangover meal prepared.

16 May

Been very busy and lazy (nice combo, huh?) so haven't done much improving lately.  Spent my one day off this week watching "Star Wars II: Attack Of The Clones" (God, I love Natalie Portman...) and playing Madden 2002.  That, in effect, was my day.

6 May

How the fuck do I work so much, and yet still find myself scraping for cash?  Here I am, brain the size of a planet, working my dick off so I can be broke.  I don't get it.

5 May

Happy fucking Cinco de Mayo.

In case you haven't noticed, I haven't been doing a lot with this site this week.  This is due to several things: (1) I'm working my ass off; (2) When I haven't been working, I've been drunk (like my 13-hour stint yesterday); (3) I'm really tired, and (4) I'm burned out on everything in my life, including this.  In addition, I'm STILL burned out and tired, so there won't be any major additions or changes for a few days.  I'm going to put on the TV, find some dribble on some channel, and veg out.

1 May

There are now 94 news items in "News Of The Bizarre."  That's 94 instances of people doing stupid shit.  In 13 days.  Wow.

25 April

My computer that I recently got came with Windows XP, and one of the annoying things about it is that there seemed to be no way to uninstall Windows Messenger.  Messenger is a pain in the ass - when y