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You pathetic loser.
What were you expecting, her home phone number? Or maybe something
generic like an agent's address, c/o The Hottie, or some e-mail address
where you could write to her and tell her how hot she is and if she's ever
in Shitsville, USA, she should call you, because you're not like all the
other guys and...? "Please, write me back, I'm your biggest fan!"
Yeah, you and every other guy scouring the internet for pictures of her
while his pants are down around his ankles. "You are so beautiful!"
What was it that Stanley Kowalski said in "A Streetcar Named Desire"?
I've never met a woman who was good looking who didn't know it already." All you're doing when you
mail a letter to one of your fantasy babes is create more work for the
recycling company and waste 37 cents. |
Please try the following:
- Get out of the house. Buy a dog, go to the park
(bring a plastic bag for, well,
you know),
and see if you can meet a real girl. They're all over the place, and
they make new ones every day. Unfortunately, the ones that are being
made today are off-limits for another 18 years. However, that won't
stop you from fantasizing about her in, what, five?
Take up drinking. Out of the house. Nothing is
more pathetic than drinking in the house alone. And ESPECIALLY if
you're doing it and "surfing the internet," a term which I am coming to
despise. You've probably never really surfed in your life. You
ever even seen the ocean? Well, for your information, I've never
surfed either, but that's because I saw "Jaws" one too many times and I
remember that little Kintner boy on the surfboard.
Open the
www.drunkbastard.net
home page and stop feeding your oversexed imagination. Go to the
Best Drunk Bastard Bars page. Find one close to you. Put on a
clean shirt. Maybe some pants. (This is where I was going with
the "Take up drinking" line before until I got sidetracked by the "Jaws"
thing.) Or, just find a nice bar or a club. Meet a girl.
Get HER contact info. Trust me, not one girl whose pictures are on
this website knows your alive, or will know - or more to the point will
care - once you send her fan e-mail or regular mail. Your letter
will be read by a fat, nicotine-stained 45 year-old loser who will file it
in the circular cabinet next to his desk. (That's a garbage can, for
those of you who didn't draw the conclusion yourself.)
Click the 
Back button to try finding a real life, seeing as how you don't have
one. Writing letters to celebrities, Jesus, how low do you have to
sink in the social strata to seek validation for your existence by writing
a letter to a celebrity? Are you THAT lacking of interpersonal
contact or attention? Dude, put on some shoes and leave the house.Click
Search to look for some semblance of dignity and self-esteem.
You know what they say, every time you jerk off, all your dead relatives
are watching. And boy, are they laughing their asses off at you
right now. "Hey Bob, look, your grandson is trying to write a letter
to Carmen Electra! What a dork!"
But just look at it this way. There are people more
pathetic than you. There's the guys who make the "Ultimate Goddess
Fan Page Temple" to some hot piece of ass who probably does it because in
his Dungeons and Dragons-deluded mentality, she'll be on the internet, see
his site, and say, "Wow, what a great guy, I should go fuck the shit out
of him." You got a better chance of fucking ME, and you have NO
chance of doing that. (Unless you're a cute bisexual girl, then
e-mail me. Please. I'm your biggest fan.)
HTTP 404 - You really need a hobby
Internet Explorer
Kenny at
www.drunkbastard.net wrote this.
Gives you a little insight into the warped, twisted puddle of synapses that
I call my mind, doesn't it?
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