You are so pathetic...

BLEEP!  There, I just e-mailed your wife, kids, priest, boss, dog, and paperboy that you're a pervert.  And a clueless one at that.

• Put your pecker back in your pants and zip up your fly.  There are no nude pics here.  As a matter of fact, the odds are that any "Nude Celebrity" sites you find using Google are either bad pics off of a video or really bad (or really good) fakes.  Unless you just don't care, then whack away, buddy.  Hope ya don't get carpal tunnel syndrome from doing the knuckle shuffle on the piss pump.
• Turn off the computer, take a shower, brush your teeth, put on some clean clothes, and go and meet a REAL GIRL.  Like, in person, not in a chat room called "WhiteMseeksHornyF" on AOL, which is probably where you spent the last seven hours talking to a 47-year old lint collector who told you he was a 17 year old female high school dropout who needs to be spanked.  When you walk out the front door into the real world and interact with flesh-and-blood females, you will find out many new and exciting things, like what a real girl smells like (and no, holding an open can of tuna to your nose while you club your dummy is not "just like the real thing.")  And, if by some stroke of luck akin to winning the Irish Sweepstakes you actually get a chance to hop in the rack with a living, breathing female, you will learn what they feel like.  And then when you are finished, you will learn something else:  why men pay for hookers.  We don't pay them for sex, we pay them to just shut up and leave when we're done.
• Open the www.drunkbastard.net home page, and then look for something that won't make you grow hair on your hands and go blind.  Well, we all know that those mother's tales aren't true, because if it were, we'd all be walking around looking like a cross between Ray Charles and Chewbacca.
• Click the Back button to try finding a real life, seeing as how you don't have one.  There's more to even YOUR existence than The Hun, Thumbzilla, or whatever free porn link sites you've been hitting three times a day.
• Click Search to look for some semblance of dignity and self-esteem.  You know what they say, every time you jerk off, all your dead relatives are watching.  And boy, are they laughing their asses off at you right now.
• I mean, to be honest with you, if you really need an imagination to figure out what that girl looks like naked, then call 911, because someone has stolen your imagination.  Not only can I imagine her naked, but I can also imagine her turning me down.