"Is That Gay?" Question Index
480 Questions
(Hey, you've got questions, I've got answers.)

Q. Is it gay if another guy blows me?
Q. Is it gay if I watch another guy have sex with my (wife/girlfriend/sister)?
Q. Is it gay if I have a threesome and the third person is a guy?
Q. Is it gay if I watch porn with other guys?
Q. Is it gay if I have feelings for other guys?
Q. Is it gay that my only drinking partner in NY wanted to walk into a gay bar in the village because he was cold??
Q. Is it gay to work out in a tight t-shirt?
Q. Is it gay for a straight guy to want to tend bar at a gay bar or club, obviously, in order to make huge tips from guys that, obviously, want to bang me...whats up wit dat?
Q. Is it gay if a guy has sex with a he/she? (a "woman" with all female genitalia plus a penis)
Q. is it gay to not be shure about whats gay and what isnt!
Q. Is it gay when you kiss the same gender?
Q. Is it gay to drive what is commonly known as a girly car but stubbornly insist that it's a "babe magnet"?
Q. This site is run by a gay because there are no nude pics of women.
Q. Is it gay to kiss a guy if you are a girl?
Q. Is it gay if I've had sex with 100+ women in every position and style conjured up in the world of kama sutra and want to have sex with a guy just once to say I've tried that too?
Q. Is it gay if you and another guy are tag-teaming a broad, double-penetration style, and your nuts rub against his?
Q. Is it gay is a girl puts something up your ass during sex?
Q. Is it gay if you eat out a girl after another guy has sex with her and blows his load inside her?
Q. Is it gay to put peanut butter on your balls and have your dog lick it off?
Q. Is it gay to drive a pink Suzuki Swift?
Q. Are homosexuals gay?
Q. Is it gay to slap your male friends on the ass?
Q. Is it gay to suck your own dick? What if you don't cum in your mouth?
Q. Is it gay to drive a Pinto?
Q. Is it gay to masturbate in front of another guy like Gerald Broflovsky (Kyle's dad) and Randy Marsh (Stan's dad) did in South Park, episode 308, 'Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub'?
Q. Is it gay gettin' sucked by a guy as a dare?
Q. Is it gay for men to go tanning?
Q. What's gayer? Getting drunk off of 15 lite beers, or getting drunk off of 8 Gin Fizzes?
Q. Is it gay to use Clinique lotion if your a guy?
Q. Is it gay to have another man wax your back?
Q. Is it gay that I like blowjobs and cumshots in porn movies?
Q. You've stated that "either you suck dick, or you don't suck dick." Going by this logic, are bisexuals gay?
Q. Does breaking an aspect of bathroom etiquette make you gay? And what if you're drunk?
Q. Is it gay to listen to a song that, under any other circumstances, would make you rip your ears out, but you listen to because one of the girls is hot? (i.e. Dancing Queen, covered by the A*teens or Complicated, by Avril Lavigne)
Q. Is it gay if a friend rats on another friend to get laid or just outright disrespectful. Hey Jacob how are my sloppy seconds FAG
Q. If you are having sex with your clone, are you gay or are you masturbating?
Q. Why are you self absorbed assholes so scared of being seen as gay? Live a little. Drive a truck all your life and no one says your a truck driver, suck one dick and your a queer. Go figure.
Q. Is it gay if you were raped by a guy?
Q. Is it gay to want to have anal sex with a Female and only a Female?
Q. Is looking at guys' cocks gay?
Q. Is yellow gay?
Q. If you refer to a cock as a "cockola" is that considered gay?
Q. My friend (a male) is an extremely odd individual that loves to be naked. One day he decieded to get naked and sit in my kitchen completely naked for a good half an hour while i was watching T.V. on the couch far far away. Would you consider this gay?
Q. Is it gay to have your male friend ping his nipple when he gets intoxicated?
Is it gay to ask "hey you wanna see me tumor" and then proceed to show your balls?
Although both gay is it gayer to receive anal sex or give it?
Q. Quote:

"Q. Is it gay is a girl puts something up your ass during sex?

A. Well, that depends on what that something is. The "milking the prostate" scene from Road Trip notwithstanding, a guy's ass shouldn't have anything going in without a very good medical reason. However, a little bunghole fondling feels kinda funky, so: up to the second knuckle on the pinky, the first knuckle on the other fingers and thumb, that's not gay. Go past that point, well, gaygaygaygaygay. And if you're like the guy my ex-wife was married to before me (Scott Ellsworth Thomas, I don't give a fuck who knows) and you want her to shove a vibrator in your ass while you moan, "fuck my little pussy," that's just SO FUCKING GAY there isn't room for words."

QUESTION: What if she puts EVERY finger (Up to allowed knuckles) in your ass??  Is that gay?

Q. Is it gay to have another man wax your back? And if so which is gayer; the waxer or the waxee?
Q. Is giving another man (not a father or family member, but friends or coworkers) a simple hug gay?
Q. Is it gay for your male co-worker to sing your name all day?
Q. Is it gay to watch Lifetime TV?
Q. Is it gay if I masturbate to a picture of myself? (by the way this is from the clone sex guy)
Q. Is it gay to masterbate to a picture of yourself masterbating to a picture of yourself masterbating...?
Q. Is it gay to let a male dog lick peanut butter off ur nuts???
Q. Is it gay to suck a mans penis to see what it is like?
Q. Is it gay if I take a HUGE shit, and it feels kinda good....?
Q. Is that gay to grab your crotch?
STATEMENT: Fuck you latent Nazi. I hope you choke on your own self-righteousness and die.
Q. Is it gay to suck a cock to please your girlfriend?
Q. Is Ken (Barbie's fellow doll) gay? More importantly, is there something intrinsically gay about the name 'Ken'?
Q. my room mate never comes out to party with us.
Q. Is it gay to bounce your dick up and down in front of a guy just to scare him?
STATEMENT: I fucked my best guy friend.
Q. Is it gay to fuck another guy if his ass is shaved, he has long hair, and you pretend he's a girl?
Q. Is hot lesbian porno-style sex gay?
Q. Is it still gay if you pull out at the last minute and blow your load all over the other guy's back?
Q. Is it gay-er to put a Light Beer bottle in your mouth or in your ass?
Q. Is it gay to shove a condom full of drugs up your ass to get through Customs at an international airport? 'Cos, you know, if you don't hide the drugs, you'll be caught, and you'll go to jail, and you'll be fucked up the ass anyway...
Q. Are you gay if you are held down by 2 strong guys while another fucks you?
Q. Is it gay when I let my dog lick my pussy?
Q. If your best buddy has a rare terminal disease and the only way to cure him is to fuck him up the ass, is it gay if you comply?
Q. Is it gay if a male jerks all over his hand and licks it off just to see what it tastes like?
Q. Is it gay to get a rainbow tattoo?
Q. Is it gay to shave your balls so that your boyfriend doesn't get hair stuck in his teeth?
Q. Is it gay-er to drink another guy's semen out of a champagne flute or a beer pitcher?
Q. Is it gay to spend a good deal of time reading "Is That Gay" questions? And, come to that, answering them?
Q. Is it gay to go out and get drunk then sleep in the same bed with your two mates Alex and Dave...
Q. Is it gay to have your ass licked by a girl?
Q. So you're okay with drinking semen out of a beer pitcher, then?
Q. Is it gay to fantasise about fucking Kenny up the ass because he's so witty and, well, you know, he created the 'Is That Gay?' page, and is obviously a prime bit of beefcake...?
Q. Are oompa loompas from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory gay?
Q. Is it gay to ride in a jeep with the top down with no shirt on while flexing and waving to every car that you pass?
Q. Is it gay to wear bondage pants? what if they're plaid and your a surly 6'5'' 275 pound punk with a mohawk, a chip on his shoulder and a penchant for Guinness?
Q. Is it gay if you're drunk off your rocker and you keep shouting and i quote "FUCK ME IN THE ASS WITH A STRAPON"?
Q. Is it gay to tongue kiss your girlfriend after she just gave you a blowjob?
Q. I first must apologies for sending the oompa loompa question...see someone asked me that question and i told them id ask the master and they kept on asking me for the answer...so once again i apologize...now is it gay to buy a pornographic dvd featuring transexuals?
Q. Is it gay to whip out ur cock sporadically?
Q. Is it gay when my friend is like.. "Hey you wanna see it?" and then procedes to whip out his banana like cockola and slap it around untill i look?
Q. Is it gay to have your ear(s) pierced (as a guy)?
Q. Is it gay to think a man is good looking?
Q. Interesting that you 'randomly' selected Ewan McGregor, who has a reputation for pulling out his HUGE COCK onscreen in films such as 'The Pillow Book' and 'Velvet Goldmine'...
Q. IS the guy who asked this question "Q. Interesting that you 'randomly' selected Ewan McGregor, who has a reputation for pulling out his HUGE COCK onscreen in films such as 'The Pillow Book' and 'Velvet Goldmine'..." gay?
Q. Is it gay to use another guys soap in the locker room shower and rub it on ur nuts?
Q. Are male high school cheerleaders gay?
Q. Is it gay to eat penis shaped candies?
Q. Is it gay if me and my wife are into enemas between just us?
Q. If you've had a history of putting foreign object like douche in your ass, and then you join the army are you gay?
Q. What if it's a really manly beer pitcher, with.. like.. pictures of Mack trucks and shit on it?
Q. Is it gay to really like girls with short hair? Not that long hair is bad, but short hair is best?
Q. Is it gay to walk around with one of those stupid glow stick things in your mouth?
Q. My friend Dave uses those Biore chick face cleansings clothes (that the box says is used to remove makeup).. I think Dave is gay, but I need a second opinion.
Q. Is it gay to use one of those scrubby bath balls in the shower?
Q. You know how sometimes you meet a woman, and the only thing you feel about her is that you want to hate-fuck her? Well, is it gay to want to hate-fuck a man?
Q. Is it gay to go to a movie with a guy and only a guy?
Q. I have for some unknown reason developed the nickname of "the gayman" or "the G man".... am i gay?
Q. I'm aware that it's gay if you watch heterosexual porn to see the guys instead of the girls. Fair enough. But how about this? My buddy has this dog who is male and not neutered, and he loves watching that dog having sex with lady dogs. He freely admits that it's his dog that he enjoys watching, because it makes him proud to have raised such a stud. Gay? Or just kinda weird?
Q. Is it gay for a man to shave his genital area...Also what areas are ok to shave and which areas are considered gay?
Q.  What about ass shaving.. You cant shave your own ass, someone has to do it for you.. can a man shave my ass without it being gay?
Q. Are Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street gay???
Q. Is it gay if me and two friends (all male) sat on a couch completely naked and waited for my other friend (also male) to come back into the house to surprise him. (no ones skin was touching)?
Q. Is it gay if you are a male cheerleader just so you can look up the girls skirts?
Q. One more ass-shaving question. I hear that chicks like clean-shaven-ness on guys as much as guys like it on chicks. Knowing that, is it gay if I go and ask for a "back, crack, and sack" shave?
Q. Is not wanting to have your "crack and sack" shaved because of the so called "pain factor" gay?
Q. Is it gay to put fucking gay ass mushy away messages in AIM like "I love you sweetheart i havent seen u in 9 hrs 53 minurtes and 24.34 seconds i cant stand being apart" or messages such as "I wish i wasnt such a nice guy all the time maybe one day ill get lucky and find a girl"?
Q. Is it gay to be turned on simply by the fact that stacci from sex with Stacci is only 19?
Q. Is it gay if I'm "gellin like a felon"?
Q. I got so drunk last night that I couldn't get it up with my girlfriend. I'm not gay, am I?
Q. Is it gay to take gang showers when single showers are available or is it gayer to hide yourself in the single shower???
Q. Is a man possibly gay if he has ONLY girl friends and no guy friends?
Q. I don't know what "white zin" is, but apparently it's got something to do with being gay. Is it gay to know what "white zin" is?
Q. There seems to be many many things which can make a male gay. What does it take for a female to be gay?
Q. Is it gay for a guy to take yoga? Keep in mind the number of women in yoga classes...
Q. True story: my friend and I were walking along and we saw some guys come out of a gay pub. My friend, half-pissed, yelled out some impolite names at them. They came over and basically beat him up...I did not intervene because I was (1) half-pissed myself and (2) pretty much sick and tired of him abusing gay people. Is my friend now gay, sort of by definition?
Q. Is it gay to blow off your friends bachelor party where there will be beer and strippers because of work? Keep in mind that the individual could have easily gotten out of working for the night.
Q. Is it gay to skip a kick ass bachelor party to hang out with your girlfriend?
Q. Is it gay if you and your friend comment on your own dick sizes and no dicks are shown? The context is that you're talking about having taken part in a Wet Willy contest in Ft. Lauderdale in 1982.
Q. Is it gay if you and your wife pretend to switch sexual roles? In other words, she pretends to be the man and you the woman. Nothing goes up the ass.
Q. Is it gay, during a heavy manly drinking session, to cross link arms in order to drink another liver killer shot? Invariably followed by drunken kisses on forehead and heavy slaps on the back.
Q. Is it gay if two guys are cumming on a girls face and you get the other guys spunk on your hand?
Q. Is it gay if you and a friend are fucking a girl in the same hole, i.e. double stuffing her pussy?
Q. Is it gay to pretend to yourself that you're sucking a very little dick when working on your girl's clit? Some of my best mouth work on women (their review, not mine) has been performed this way.
Q. Is it gay to look at another guy's cock in the showers out of curiousity, just as you might look at their pecs to assess their benchpressing ability?
Q. Is it gay to have thoughts of sucking your buddies' crank if you never actually say this to anyone?
Q. Is it gay to cheer for a baseball team that employs Mike Piazza, a known gay athlete?
Q. Is it gay to stick your cock through a hole in a fence and have it sucked by an anonymous person of unknown gender on the other side?
Q. Is it gay to fall head over heals for someone if you have known that person a very short time?
Q. Is it gay if I'm proud when I take such a huge dump that the turd needs two flushes to be coaxed down the drain?
Q. Is it gay to pretend to be gay, pick up a guy in your car and watch him beat off, even though you and your hetrosexual buddies (who are hiding nearby)intend to jump him and beat the living shit out of him, like in 'Boogie Nights'?
Q. Is it gay for a guy to aspire to be a proctologist, and on the flip side is it gay for a chick to aspire to be a gynocologist? You can't honestly tell me that they all had good intentions when choosing their said profession.
Q. Is it gay to jack off (secretly, of course) during an all-male camping trip?
Q. Is it gay to go shoe shopping with girls even if your getting some?
Q. Would it be gay to call sheets and blankets "bedding" and if so would it also be gay to call a TV a "telly?"
Q. Is it gay to fart in another guy's face while said other guy is asleep?
Q. White zin is well known as a blatantly gay drink. Is there an equally gay food?
Q. Is it gay to play your acoustic guitar at parties, especially after you've graduated from college?
Q. Is it gay if you sodomize freshman football players in order to "initiate" them? Is it also gay when you go to jail as a result and become some big dirty man's buttery cornhole? Fuck you Mepham High School Football.
Q. Is it gay to put the newest "Is that Gay?" questions at the bottom, requiring me to scroll through every fucking one to find out if there's a new one? Wait, I know the answer. Yes.
Q. Is it gay to use the term "Bennifer," except for in the contetxt of making fun of people who say "Bennifer," hence making me not gay?
Q. Is it foreshadowing gayness when your little to play dress up and my little pony and other girly type games?
Q. Is it gay for a male to go to a club and dance?
Q. Is homosexuality like math...for instance does gay*gay = straight like -1*-1 = 1?
Q. Why, oh god why, when flipping through the Drunk Bastard Photo Album did i see not only one flippin floppin cock but TWO?????? After seeing this i had to pop in a hardcore dirty lesbian porn to wash myself of homosexuality. Double the pleasure double the fun i agree in cases of pussy tits and ass (female of course) but double the cocks equals double the gayness in my book...does it not?
Q. What are the limits of things that you can do "to get laid" before you cross the line to just being gay. I mean, dancing in a club to get laid: definitely not gay. Smokin' some dude's cock in order to get laid: definitely gay. Ditching your drunk friends at the bar to get laid: definitely not gay. Becoming a vegetarian and bringing carrot sticks and chardonnay to a poker game because your woman tell you to: definitely gay. Where's the limit? And on what side of it does signing up for "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" fall?
Q. If you ride your bike without a bike seat, is that gay?
Q. Is that Steve Bartman guy in Chicago gay for interfering in the 8th inning in Game 6 last week, or just a prick who damn well better have gotten out of the North Side? Also, if one were to track him down, would it be gay to rip his eyes out and skull-fuck him to death, or just twisted?
Q. OK, now I'm confused. Does your answer to the earlier "Queer Eye" question mean that as long as you're doing something to get laid by a chick, whatever that something is isn't gay?
Q. If I watch HBO's Sex and the City, is that gay? I know it's a chick flick, but i watch it mainly coz catrall is hot, and there are hot scenes.
Q. Are you calling Gunnery Sargent Hartman a Peter-puffer? He told Private Pyle that he would gouge out his eyes and skullfuck him, but Gunnery Sargent Hartman is about the least gay guy I've ever seen.
Q. Is it gay that my dick goes from a massive nuclear moisture seeking missile one second, but then when confronted with nassssssssty pussy becomes a frightened little turtle? Its perfectly fine with nice, inviting pussy.
Q. Is it gay when a guy screams out in excruciating pain when a girl is riding his dick really hard and it pops out and hits her pelvis bone, thus causing the erect penis to bend at a 90 degree angle??
Q. Is it gay to like shopping in general (if you're a guy)?
Q. Is it that i want to have anal sex with a chick and punch her in the stomach? It comes from an epsode of OZ where a guy is fuckin another guy and he punches him in the stomach. So i got the idea from a male on male encounter.
Q. It is gay, but how gay is it to drive a Miata 10 miles under the speed limit while singing along to Duran Duran tunes? And no, I'm not saying you're gay for driving a Miata.
Q. I realize that it is gay to want to hate-fuck a guy, but what if you HIRE another guy to hate-fuck a guy? Like if you get big ole bubba two cells down to anally devastate your cellmate for a couple cartons of Marlboros? And no I don't want to watch.
Q. Are bubble baths gay? And if they are, what if you get a little toy boat and play with it during the bath.. Still gay?
Q. Is it gay if you are aroused when watching the guys from Kids In The Hall get dressed as women?
Q. Is it gay to let your co-workers hear you say, "I love you Mom", or "I love you Dad" when talking to them on the phone? And I mean talking with your real mom and dad.
Q. I watch "Will and Grace". Is that gay?
Q. My buddy and I went to a Adult Film Star convention, when i saw the legendary porn star Ron Jeremy nearby. I told my buddy, "dude, i want a picture of me and Ron taken!!" Is that gay?
Q. Is it gay to want The Hedgehog to rub off on you?
Q. Is it gay if you cry over a sporting event, for example: If the New York Rangers lost/won a stanley cup i would cry.
Q. Is it gay if you listen to techno, and like it?
Q. Is it gay to use a penis pump so that you can suck your own dick?
Q. A friend of mine is a natural at talking with very hot chicks, but stubbornly refuses to ask for their numbers. Is he gay?
Q. Is it gay to pee on stuff in front of other guys? You know, like cars, buildings, passed out people...
Q. Let's say you have a friend who gets naked at a certain point in drunkenness and passes out. You and some other friends decide to defile his body and subsequently dump him in a field. Where is the line drawn between gay and not gay in defilement?
Q. If I buy and drive a toyota prius (hybrid) would that make me gay. What if I still keep my 71 chevy?
Q. Is it gay (if you're a guy) if you had a dream (while sleeping) about fucking your brother? Even if wake up and vomit 5 or 6 times afterwards?
Q. Is it gay for a guy to drink a malt beverage? In my opinion real men drink beer.
Q. Is it gay if you are married and your wife works and you stay at home with the kids and do all the cleaning and cooking?
Q. Is Jamie Reynolds gay?
Q. Is it gay to buy condoms for another guy (as a joke)?
Q. Is it gay to give your penis a nickname?
Q. Is it gay for three guys to sit around on a Saturday night drinking a few beer, while watching Legally Blond on Women's Network? And then flipping to America's Top Model on Life Network between commercials?
Q. Is it gay to sleep in a bed with little boys, to keep warm of course.
Q. I heard a story of college students giving themselves "Wine enemas" quite some time ago. (Only because it gets you a hell of a lot drunker a hell of a lot faster (and you dant have to feel the rot gut wine going down your gullet...) Is that gay?
Q. Is it gay to bragg about one's ability to piss more than four feet?
Q. I had to read a book for a linguistic anthropology class in college about "gay speech," and I read in this book that vodka tonics are gay drinks. Hence, I don't order them at bars. What are the other gay drinks that I should be aware of? By the way, the book is called "Word's Out: Gay Men's English," by William Leap, 1996, University of Minnesota Press. It's hysterical.
Q. Is it gay, per se, to have a slightly unhealthy obsession with New Wave music from the 80s?
Q. is it gay to masterbate when reading these "is it gay" questions?
Q. Is it gay to have a poster of a boy band? What if it's on a dartboard/target?
Q. Are you gay if you are a New York Islanders fan? Because their "fans" are a bunch of pussy front-runners that don't know hockey.
Q. Even if pina coladas and frozen mageritas etc etc are gay, does that mean that by drinking one you become gay? Or do you have to drink them regularly to be gay?
Q. Is it gay to say the following to another guy in a gang shower: "Gee, you've got some nice smelling stuff there!" I just hope he was talking about shampoo.
Q. What if you're on a tropical island drinking frozen margaritas and/or pina coladas? May I presume that it's not gay under that condition?
Q. If you're a New York City cop, and you sodomize someone with a plunger if they don't cooperate with you, are you gay?
Q. Is it gay to get naked--that is, no towel--in the sauna?
Q. Are you gay if you have a job that sometimes requires giving cavity checks?
Q. Is it gay for a man to sit with his legs crossed? I don't mean ankle on knee or even calf atop knee. I mean CROSSED with foot dangling.
Q. Is it gay for a guy to grow vegetables for the purpose of eating them?
Q. Is it gay if you think Arnold in "pumping iron" is rather sexy?
Q. Is it gay if you own "pumping iron"?
Q. Is it gay to carve a cucumber in the shape of a penis, and suck it, just to know what it would be like?
Q. Is it gay to lock your keys out of your vehicle after a night of decent drinking ($1 bottles of beer).. ?
Q. Is it gay to work in gay porn, in order to work in straight porn?
Q. Is it gay to get turned on by some one oiled up by a nice oilly Thanksgiving meal?
Q. Is speech class gay? I ask because they try to drill that empathy shit into your thought processes every damn day.
Q. Is it gay to drive a Mitsubishi convertable?
Q. Is it gay if you can see how women think that Sean Connery, back in his Bond days, is sexy?
Q. Compared to Canadian beer, American beer is like lite beer. Does that make American beer gay?
Q. Is it gay if I use my feet when I jerk it off?
Q. Is it gay to have a teacher thats gay for english and think that he is a cool teacher?
Q. Is it gay for a guy to work in a tanning salon?
Q. Is it gay if you meet a girl with a protruding nine-inch clit and suck her off?
Q. Is it gay to drink bourbon with lemonade?
Q. is it gay to wear a pink shirt and be proud of it, even if it tends to help in the pick up of a lot of women?
Q. Is it gay if you squeak when you laugh?
Q. Is it gay to eat quiche?
Q. Kiss someone of the same sex?
Q. Per our conversations: if a man wakes up one morning with a vagina and wonders what it's like to have sex, would he have to have a male friend bang him ("is that gay?") or could he effectively use a dildo, once again raising the inevitable question?
Q.  Is it gay to tuck it back? You know what I'm talking about.
Q.  Y'know that song by the Crash Test Dummies called "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm?" Is that song gay?
Q.  i slept with my friends sister
Q.  From time to time I get hard for no reason at all, like my schlong has a mind of its own. Gay?
Q.  Lets say that one night you had a few too many to drink, and you end up flirting and making moves on guys, and the next morning someone tells you about what happened and you dont remember any of it. Does that make you gay?
Q.  my favourite kind of porno is watching a guy get a blowjob... is that gay or do i just like blowjobs too much (i got a divorce because my wife had dental problems and had to have her jawa wired shut)
Q.  Are those fish that can change genders if they have to gay?
Q.  If you get drunk off queer beers, does that in turn make you a queer?
Q.  If while I'm with my girlfriend, her gay (male) friend comes over, and she gives him permission to suck me off. I comply, and while he's doing this, I realize I don't like it, and "accidently" kick him in the head; am I gay for complying in the first place?
Q.  Is it gay to go to a drag show with a girl and her gay friends to try and get some with her?
Q.  I am a girl and I like to watch the girl on girl part of a porno over any other part
Q.  If your having sex with your boyfriend (I am a girl) and you imagine that he is a woman is that gay?
Q.  A few questions back, someone submitted: "Is it gay for a guy to grow vegetables for the purpose of eating them?"  What the hell is this guy talking about? Wouldn't the question have been better phrased as, "Is it gay for a guy to grow vegetables for purposes other than eating them?"  What does this guy think? That it's not okay to grow vegetables and then eat them but it IS okay to grow vegetables and then stick them up his ass?
Q.  If someone told you he boned a gingerbread man, would that person be gay (he says it's a process done in graphic design, something about skeletal structures and shit)?
Q.  Is it gay if, each time I leave my Mary Kay Bath Spa Collection products in the shower, my husband uses them? They are clearly marketed for women, using pastel colors, etc. Yet each time I leave one in there, I find when I shower again, it's severly depleted. A man who smells good is great, but does it need to be the scent of "flowers and fruits"? Tell me, Kenny, should I divorce him now and find myself a lumber jack?
Q.  Are you gay if you look at guy midgets naked, just to see what theyre packin?
Q.  Is it gay to be from New York and root for both the Yankees and the Mets, saying things like "I don't care, just as long as one wins"?
Q.  Lets say that you get arrested and go to prison. Is it gay to beat and brutally fuck the toughest guy in the jail, to gain respect and to be feared by the other inmates?
Q.  Is it gay if you swallow your sperm when you masturbate, just so that you dont have to clean it up afterwards?
Q.  Is it gay if you live in the Bronx yet for some ungodly reason root for the Red Sox? And, if so, is it as gay as rooting for the Mets?
Q.  Is it gay to fuck a guy if your life depended on it?
Q.  Is the DH rule gay? Since you're an out of the closet Yankee fan, perhaps I should rephrase that question . . . How can you possibly justify that the DH rule isn't gay, and that all AL teams and their fans aren't also gay, by association? And before you give your stock answer of "Who wants to see pitchers hit?" consider for a moment that Brad Penny drove in the go ahead run and an insurance run in game 5 of the World Series.
Q.  Well what if a group of guys kidnapped you and locked you in a basement with them, and they all had guns, and there was no escape....unless you had sex with one of them. Is that gay ,since you cant run away, and youll die if you dont?
Q.  Is my tendancy to be attracted to exceptionally strong, smart or argressive girls (who may or may not cross the traditional lines of masqulinity to the status of macho) gay? Also, 'irlz (group of girls who crossdress in regular life that I know very well)...are my developing relations with them, in nature gay? Final question, of every male (male) friend I've known there is one guy that I've known since preschool and (shit i'm droolingm * really)...
Q.  i like to shave my dick and balls. is that gay?
Q.  Is gay like being a truck driver, in that you're not actually a truck driver unless you actually drive a truck, no matter how much you think about how nice it would be to drive a truck? I mean, is thinking about wanting to be plowed by a guy gay, or are you not ACTUALLY gay until the man-train pulls into Brownsville station?
Q.  If you're taking a leak in a urinal, and you notice that the guy next to you is checking out your package, is it gay to just stand there and let him admire what he can't have?
Q.  iS it gay if your hubby masterbaites more than having sex with you?And is it gay of him to look at shemales?
Q.  I have been developing a growing fondness for Broadway Show tunes. Is that gay? I always make sure that I listen to them in my underwear, while drinking a Budweiser and eating pork rinds - does that make a difference? (Granted - thay are pink ladies underpants) Help! Tommy Tune Fan
Q.  Is the GM for the LA Dodgers gay or just plain dumb (either would explain his lack of sports knowledge)? Kevin Brown for Weaver? What the fuck?
Q. What if you are kidnapped and gang raped and while you are being fuked up the ass and choking on a cock, suddenly the fear goes away and you get an erection, and then think this is not all that bad after all. If you never have sex with a man again but think back fondly on the time you were raped, Is that Gay?
Q.  is it gay if your hubby likes a rim job but dosent like being fingered
Q.  If you get a blow job from a tranny, but didn't know it was a man in drag, does that make you gay?
Q.  If you get drunk and meet a tranny but honestly think she is a girl. Then you end up going down her, but you honestly believe that she was female and just had a larger then average clit. Is that gay?
Q.  Is it gay if a friend tries to milk another rather fatter friends bitch tits?
Q.  Is veganism gay? If not, what aspects aren't gay?
Q.  Is it gay if a guy likes anal sex more than pussy?
Q.  I like the Dixie Chicks. My girlfriend thinks im gay. Is that gay?
Q.  Is it gay if you make a dildo out of a plaster of paris mould of your own cock and then fuck yourself with it?
Q.  Is it gay if while you are wanking off you put a mirror under your ass so you can see your hole while you are stroking?
Q.  Is it gay to check your website everyday and worry that you haven't even so much as posted new "Is That Gay" questions?
Q.  If you want to save some money and choose to pretend to be gay so you can find a guy with the same body time as yours to "borrow" clothes, then dich before he'll pitch, is that gay?
Q.  If one takes yoga for years only to be able to contort themselves into a position to suck their own cock. Is that gay?
Q.  Is it gay to refuse sex from a girl, who's damn hott (redhead, thin but with a wicked ass and great rack) but she has an obnoxious personality and drives you crazy. I know I can gag her using creative meathods (dick, tape, fruit so I can snack every now and then) but I'll still hear her voice in my head. (She's like Fran from The Nanny meets Joe Peschi).
Q.  is being curious about how shemales look in websites so later u can identify them easily and avoid them; is it gay?
Q.  durran durran were big when i was about 16/17 I hear Rio and Girls on film(no way gay. seen the vid?)and sing along cause it reminds me of a bird(girl for you yanks) i was seeing how is that gay?
Q.  Is it gay to have a girl to put her thumb in your ass while performing a sexual act ?
Q.  When I go to the gym, I'm in the locker room and I see these old guys long past their prime. Pruney, Hairy, Fat or Frail, they all love to stand around and chat naked. Naturally, about a foot away from me I have a wrinkled ass right at face level when I'm tying my shoes. Okay, here's the question: They go to the steam room naked, to and from the shower naked, they sit in the sauna together naked, hell, they'd work out naked if they could.  C'mon. Old men being nudists together in sweatty envornment. It's gotta be gay, right?
Q.  A while back someone asked "Lets say that you get arrested and go to prison. Is it gay to beat and brutally fuck the toughest guy in the jail, to gain respect and to be feared by the other inmates?"; your answer implied that while actually boffing the poor bastard you just beat the shit out of was gay, sodomizing him with a broomstick or like object would not be gay. But isn't that also gay?
Q.  Is it gay to consistently eat reduced-fat foods like Lean Pockets or Velveeta Lite Shells and Cheese?
Q.  Is it gay to live in the Bronx and cheer for the Red Sox on one particular day they're not playing the Yankees? Example: That if the Red Sox beat, oh let's say the A's, the Yankees would get home field throughout the playoffs.
Q.  I'm an avid Mac user/developer and I put a Mac "Apple" sticker (the apple w/ the horizontal rainbow stripes logo) on my rear windshield. When my buddies girlfriend saw it she told me to take it off coz other people/motorists will think i am gay. Is that gay?
Q.  Is it gay to own and listen to a Clay Aiken CD?
Q.  In referring to a previous question about the "Kids in the Hall" show, is it gay to simply watch the "Kids in the Hall" show and find it humorous, including when there’s cross dressing? Yeah, they might dress up as women some times (but tom hanks did in his show, and hell, nothing gay bout him). The guys on the show are legitimately funny, even if one or more of the actors are gay (hay you never know how's gay, damn fucking Hollywood fucking with our heads)?
Q.  Proctologist. Prostate exam. Boner. Gay?
Q.  Occasionally after a night of drinking my roomate and I come home, strip naked in the bathroom and rub fake tan lotion over our entire bodies. Other than to put it on each other's backs, we don't touch each other. Is that gay?
Q.  Light beer. Gay?
Q.  Is it gay to stroke yourself in public toilets while you listen to other people have a shit?
Q.  Hello there, I have been bodybuilding for 10 years now and would just like to know if it is gay or not to admire the physiques of the other guys in the gym. You know, sneaking a quick peak now and then while they're lifting so I can see the sweat glistening off their delts, traps and quads. No touching just looking. Many thanks.
Q.  Is it gay to wake up in the morning after being on the booze till 3am the night before and finding half a double ended dildo in your pocket and not remembering how it got there?
Q.  Is it gay to spend much of your day thinking about new "is it gay" questions to submit, just so you can win a bet with your boss about getting "is it gay" questions answered. (And, I'm pretty sure the guy in question is wearing??? a large butt plug while pondering. Either that or he likes to walk like a duck.)
Q.  Is it gay to masturbate in your bed if there is another guy in your room, aka your roomate, if he doesn't know what you are doing?
Q.  In your "Man Rules of Existance" you state that owning a cat is forbidden. But is it gay if it's a frat cat and used soley to achieve access to the other type of pussy?
Q.  Is it gay to repeatedly say "y helo thar buttseckz" on numerous message boards?
Q.  IS IT GAY IF YOU ARE WIPING YOUR ASS AND 3 OF YOUR FINGERS ACCIDENTLY SLIP IN YOUR BUTTHOLE FOR 5 MINUTES OR LONGER?
Q.  Is it gay to kiss a girl after 69 or getting head? No snowballing or anything, and not like 2.4 seconds afterward, but a little while after settling down -- "postplay" to ensure future head (and swallowing). My collegues are split on this subject. Some say grab the Plax, others say go for it as long as there is no chin dribble.
Q.  Is that Gay if you use pay money to a cable station doing a gay mardi gras as a pay per view....but you want to watch for the excellent choreography of the dancers?
Q.  Is it gay for your associate to bring in a few CD's to work and excitedly announce "It's disco day!" and then proceed to chair dance to the music all day long. I already know the answer, but I'd like the "why is it gay" verrified.
Q.  Is it gay to listen to Creed?
Q.  Is wrestling gay? Not WWE or WWF, but like the Olympic style wrestling?
Q.  Is it gay to own a Honda Element? How about the Corbin Sparrow, it looks like a cock for christ sakes.
Q.  I feel somewhat ashamed to announce this publicly but my 12 year old son has gone and joined his school's choir this morning without my prior knowledge and consent, will he grow up to be gay?
Q.  Is being a wine conniseur gay? By that I mean those who spit wine out followed by comments about boquet and color and all that shit rather than swallow the stuff to get plastered.
Q.  Is it true that trucker hats are gay?
Q.  I like Elton John's music. But mostly his 70's songs. Is that gay?
Q.  is it gay to think that you would love to look like a man because you think hes hot?
Q.  is it gay to get a boner n the swimming pool if its just men in there?
Q.  Is knowing the exact use of a "buttplug" gay?
Q.  My associate sings along to Seal's "Kiss from A Rose" song (Some song from the Batman movies) is that gay, and for that matter, are there any songs that it isn't gay to sing along to?
Q.  Tom Jones does a cover of the song "Kiss" by Prince. Or perhaps Prince was covering Tom Jones. Anyhow, I think it's okay to sing along to Tom Jones' version of Kiss. Or any other song by Tom Jones for that matter. After all, there's nothing gay about the amount of snatch that Tom Jones gets, is there? And "Suck My Kiss" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers should also be considered as an acceptable song to sing along to.  On the other hand, if you sing along to "Your Kiss is on My List" by Hall & Oates, you just might be a flaming fag.
Q.  Thumb rings are gay aren't they? Back in highschool, the rule was earring in the left ear, not gay. Earring in the right ear, gay. But I don't remember anyone with a ring on their thumb. Now I'm in my 30's and nobody has updated me on gay fashion rules.
Q.  If one likes the movie Ghostbusters so much that he has a custom "ecto one" plate on his car (Saturn), it has to be gay riqht?
Q.  Is it gay to hang out with hot pants wearing Russian gymnast on vacation?
Q.  Are guys who ride behind chicks on motorcycles gay? Even worse, what about guys who ride behind guys on motorcycles?
Q.  Is it gay to have too many houseplants and to build my own stands for them?
Q.  Is that gay if you go to a well known gay nightclub to watch lesbian mud wrestling?
Q.  Is that gay if you pitch in with mates to get a friend who never gets any a lady man when he is travelling to another city?
Q.  Is that gay to casually look at Robert Mapplethorpe books when visiting your local library?
Q.  Regarding the "Ecto one" plate guy. He doesn't have the lightbars (yet), but he does have copies of the logo on his rear windows. Still think this fag is just a dork?
Q.  Is it gay to go to a "Unique Lounge" if there are $4 pitchers and you can still pick up on straight women who hang out there because they dig guys who are bi?
Q.  Is it gay to hug random men in drunken delerium, for reason that your team has just won the Grand Final in extra time, in soaking wet conditions, against the arch-rival and all odds in a game you travelled across the other side of the country to see?
Q.  Okay, so I've broken a few rules. I've hugged a man for no reason. I've sung to A-Teens, even danced to it. I've told a man I loved him, but it was while I was in the army and the bullets were flying and I was in a trench and- well you had to be there. Sure they were blanks but they felt real. And yes! I am the one who owns the car with Ecto-1 licence plates! Now here's the question. I've crossed to the gay side, now what will it take to re-affirm my masculinity and get back on the straight side of the fence? I've got an open minded girlfriend who will help me do whatever it takes to wash the gay away. Help me!
Q.  When I was in the Canadian Military, my dress uniform as a jacket and Kilt. I started to like the reaction the ladies got when I wore it, so I bought a few for civilian attire. Is that gay? Keep in mind that the ladies love it. (and before you ask, yes, I wore it in the traditional sense)
Q.  Is it gay if, while I'm fucking a girl, I like a finger in my ass just as I'm about to cum?
Q.  I fainted when I was beside my wife while giving birth. I'm now a father, but was that gay when i fainted?
Q.  Is it gay to be at a bar all night with friends and not drink any beer only water or pepsi?
Q.  Between a photo of my girlfriend and I at Niagara Falls and a photo of me back in the army days on an operation, I have cat-a-day calander. That's not gay, is it? The men at work say it is but, I mean, c'mon! Two to one here!
Q.  Is it gay to walk into work covered in sweat from the heat outside and use paper napkins to wipe off you face and stand infront of the airconditioner while everyone else waits for you to cool off and free up the ac vent?
Q.  Hey Kenny. After a few months of you answering questions from this guy I work with, we have determined the following. 1.He has "Ecto-1' plates. 2.He has hugged a man. 3.He has sung to A-Teen. 4.He has said "I love you" to another man. 5.He wears a kilt. 6. He has a cat calander. 7. He has the Ghostbusters logos glued to the rear windows of his car. At no point have you made a difinitive answer that he is gay (or not). With all this information in hand, I'm worried that the next time he asks me for a raise, he won't be looking for more money. Should I worry??
Q.  Mind settling a dispute between me and a friend? The question is: Does cat ownership by a man make said male owner a fag?
Q.  Back when I was in grade 12, I turned down a couple of cute blonde twins (short hair glasses, my weakness!) just because they were two years younger than me and in highschool that's apparently some big deal. Anyways, I regret the incident and am wondering if that was incredibly gay or just incredibly stupid. . . .It's both, isn't it?
Q.  Is giggling gay? For that Matter, what types of laughs are considered manly, and what are to be outright avoided? Is there a specific decible range to try to stick to? I've been having a few problems, only because puberty has been taking it's bloody time in finishing.
Q.  If you fuck a chick who dresses in drag as a dude is that gay. If your did her in the ass is that more gay?
Q.  In the "Three MC's and 1 DJ" Video by the Beastie Boys it shows Mixmaster Mike using a backpack that is a replica of the ones worn in Ghostbusters....going on the ECTO 1 conversation from previous times on this website does that make Mixmaster Mike gay?
Q.  Is it gay to have too many houseplants if they're marijuana plants and you smoke or sell the weed?
Q.  Is it gay to turn down a fuck because the girl in question wanted to do it in the middle of a packed street with police up the road?
Q.  Is it gay to drink Michelob Ultra? I mean, come on, who the fuck cares about Carbs?
Q.  Does it mean your gay if a MAN wear's an earring ONLY on the right side? The deal iz my left ear got infected so i can not wear one on the left but I would like to start wearing an earring again, but do not want to give off the wrong signal beacause I are not.... well you know a fa..........
Q.  Is it gay to sit here for 10 minutes trying to think of a question to ask? I'm just giving you easy prey here really.
Q.  I know a guy who has said to people that he can touch his peehole with the end of his tounge. Gay or weird?
Q.  Is it gay for a medical practitioner not to get turned on when examining young women (y'know the whole stethascope has to go on the chest deelie)? I have never been turned on by a patient - is that gay?
Q.  I was recently at a party. A friend likes to expose himself on a regular basis to the ladies that are present. Another, rather drunk bastard, gently tapped his nut sack with the tips of his fingers. He did not cup the ballz, repeat he did not actually cup the ball sack. Would you consider this gay?
Q.  Is it gay to order Chinese food without vegetables? Where does being picky end and gay begin?
Q.  Is it gay to say that the war in Iraq is like WWII?
Q.  I love pussy. That includes the kind that you knock the bottom out of, and also the other kind: cats. I'm a proud cat owner of a small beast named Rodimus Prime. Rod (as I call him) went to visit a friend of mine who owns two dogs. When I let Rod out of his cage, instead of running into the corner like a scaredy-cat, he just sat there minding his own business. Then both of the dogs tried to bark at him to scare him, and he swiped both of them on the nose with his claws. In that short amount of time he had made that house into his own domain. I submit that even though I love cats, the fact that I love sex with women and have a cat named Rodimus Prime who beat up two dogs on their own turf ensures that I am straight. Am I gay?
Q.  Is it gay when you wear a hawain shirt and your not a big fat party animal?
Q.  If you were to dig up a dead person of the same sex, and sleep with them, would that make them gay? After all, it cannot be rape, since they do not resist. And since Forcing yourself onto a person who does not resist is not considered rape, does that mean you can turn gay after you die?
Q.  Is it gay if you're partially attracted to hair care products?
Q.  My Fiancee has made a request for the wedding. She wants me to sing "She's All I'll Ever Need (a.k.a. Here I Am) from - sigh - one of Ricky Martin's albums. She once made me do it in Kareoke 'cause she liked it, fell in love with me after she herd me sing the thing, and now somehow needs me to sing it in front of both my and her families & friends on our "special day" ~ Damn-it. Half the guys at work'll be there ~ . I figure I have no choice, since her family's paying for it and all I'm contributing is the engagement ring and 3.5 minutes of singing, but. . .is it gay to sing it? It is her special day after all and I want to make an exception.
Q.  THE "ECTO ONE" GUY HAS DYED A BLOND SPOT INTO THE FRONT OF HIS HAIR. IT'S NOT STREAKED, IT'S MORE LIKE SOMEONE POURED BLEACH ONTO HIS HEAD WHILE HE SLEPT. DORKY OR GAY (OR STYLISH?)
Q.  Is it gay for a guy to shave his body hair if he's not a stripper or model?
Q.  Men with multiple ear rings... gay?
Q.  Is it gay to listen to music made by posers such as Good Charlotte or Slipknot?
Q.  Is it gay for dudes to play sports like netball or volleyball?
Q.  is it gay when your a guy and u lick your best guy friends ear? when theres already gay tendencys like not wanting a girlfriend and always wantin to b with the guys?
Q.  is it gay to feel a mans head if he has a huge head and his nickname is egg head and it is really really big
Q.  is it gay to have a mans dick in your hand IF you have his cock so tight blood is shooting out of the hole because the little ass tried to rape you, so you tear it off, jam it up his ass, force his mouth open rip his dick out his ass,jam it down his troat and tear his eyes clear from the socet to leave him lying in a pool of his own blood and seman?
Q.  Is it gay to dress in drag so a lesbo will let you eat her pussy?
Q.  If you're attracted to K.D. Lang, are you gay? She's still a girl, and looks damn good when she wants. No, not too interested when she's going all butch, but when she's all sexied up she really makes the mahogany.
Q.  I found that I was dating a girl just like my mother. Looks, voice, even the way she wears her hair. She really turns me on, and I like it when she- anyways, is that gay?
Q.  I have a rose garden. Broads really dig it. Gay?
Q.  My girlfriend blows me. After i unload in her mouth how long until I can kiss her. A quick rinse? Brushes her teeth? The next day? The whole idea of kissing after a blowjob, regardless of how long the wait borders on gay. What's appropriate?
Q.  I drive a beer truck. There's a fag bar on the route. It's one of the few places that still offer free lunch to delivery guys. If I eat lunch there, am I gay?
Q.  Can something that was gay, not be gay now? Twenty-five years ago, when I was a kid, you were gay if you wore short pants, unless they were cut-offs. Now everyone wears nicely tailored shorts. Ten years ago cell phones were gay, now they proliferate the landscape. What's happening? If i answer my cell phone in in non cut-off short, am I a fucking flamer?
Q.  Let's say you're at a bar and some fuckhead starts picking a fight with you. Is it gay to grab him by, and put a death grip on, his nuts, so you can avoid getting into a brawl with said fuckhead?
 Q.  I think this chick I'm seeing will do a two girl thing with me. She's asked me to go to a gay pride parade. It might be my way to the threesome. I have no desire to go to this fucking parade. Then again, this could be a once in a lifetime chance. Then again, all the tv news cameras are there. If I go, am I gay?
 Q.  WHEN I WAS IN PRISON TWO NAKED FAGS TRYED TO RAPE ME IN THE SHOWER . I BASHED THE TWO NAKED FAGS BUT I WAS NAKED ALSO . DUS IT MAKE ME A GAY TO FIGHT NAKED FAGS IF I NAKED ALSO ?
 Q.  In the 1970's guys who wore earings were fags. No questions asked. Why the change? If a dude talks with a lispe, is he a fucking homo? The lispe is still a good barometer, right?
 Q.  My associate and I witnessed what has to be the gay fashion trend of the year. Inspired by Queer Eye for the Straight Guy; these sad looking "man purses" that guys are now wearing. Half the size of a breif case, designer colours and a shoulder strap, a lot of kids are walking around with these. Gay or nay?
 Q.  I was at a bachelor party. One of the entertainers was giving lap dances as part of her fashion show. She was warming us up for the pros to follow. My buddy licked her up and down, and sucked her nipples. Being fucked up, I followed suit. Obviously, the thought of his spit on her body didn't deter me. Did I cross the fag line, or at bachelor parties, are certain rules suspended?
 Q.  What's your position on the American Pie 2 situation? If you kiss another guy so two chicks will keep fooling around, does it make you gay? Cuz the result is very straight
 Q.  I would like to comment on the "is it gay for a guy to have a cat" question. I have a cat... and I taught him to attack everything that moves... including me... I therefore feel that it is not gay for me to own my cat. Also... Rodimus Prime is NOT the name of the transformer... it was Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots... (does liking old-skool cartoons like G.I. Joe, Transformers and Thundercats make me gay?)
 Q.  So there is this guy that works for me. He listens to some very questionable music (he owns several CD's labeled Australian Adult Contemporary), carries around a camoflague "pocket book", and kinda has a lisp (not the speech impediment kind). This is the same individual who was seen frolicking around with two male russian gymnast. The question is....am I wrong to go around calling this guy a fag?
 Q. Technically, bobblehead dolls are really "dolls" right? So is it gay to own 50+ bobblehead dolls of sports figures?
Q.  Recently I have been giving thought to shaving my pubes into the shape of the S on Superman's cape. Before i get the razor out I would appreciate your thoughts regarding any potential gayness factor.
Q.  i drive automatic car so i can have one hand on steering wheel and other hand free to cup and fondle my balls while i driving is it gay
Q.  Is gay if a guy has a tattoo of another man and is there any difference between having a tattoo of a real person (for example a professional athlete) and a fictional character such as Spiderman?
Q.  This dude won't eat pussy. He nails broads, but he's disgusted by the idea of pussy eating. I say he's borderline homo. Is he?
Q.  Settle an argument please. Several beers are the wager. I say a hottub full of guys is homoville. My buddy says if they're not touching, it's okay. Who's buying?
Q.  Playing volleyball is gay? Or is it gay if you have a headband and kneepads on with an afro and you're white?
Q.  I was taking the train in this morning when I noticed a late 20's male reading a magazine that looked like one of those teen chick magazines like 17 or some other thing. He was reading an article about Mary Kate which had a sexy looking picture of her on the page. Is he gay for reading this magazine? What if he took one of those quizes in the magazine?
Q.  Is yogurt gay? I only see women eating it. It' advertised as a health and beauty product for chicks. If I see a dude eating it, I instictively wonder: Homo or not?
Q.  i have a fetish for skinny little chicks and my freinds say that most of them look like they have the the bodys of little boys but i dont see it... until one of them shaved her head and then when i was doing her doggie style i looked down and she did look like a little boy..... i dumped the bitch as soon as possable but dude is that gay????
Q.  Is it gay to allow a chick to name your cock? I know it's obvious to people that it;'s being used when she makes reference to it, but still, isn't that a bit over the top? It's definitely a sign that you're whipped, and deserving of every bit of abuse you get?
Q.  A few of us guys were watching a porno the other day. One fellow is wearing really loose shorts, and it's clear he has a woody on. You're not looking for it, or staring, but IT'S THERE. Now, to make matters worse, rumor has it that he has a monster cock, freak show material. So now, you want to glance to see. No turn on, just curiousity. Was it gay? It's as big as fuckin' Montana!!!!!!!
Q.  Whoa! I can't believe what I just read! You claim that "SpongeBob Squarepants" is one of only four cartoons acceptable for a grown man to watch without being considered gay (or retarded). "Spongebob" is a gay icon, or didn't you hear? In fact, every charachter on the show is gay. Take for example the female squirrel, all she's missing is the Birkenstock sandles and she'd be marching in the next Gay Pride rally. "Spongebob" himself is continually losing his underwear in public (at least Homer Simpson does it in front oh his wife, Marge) and has some very "phalic-shaped" friends, who may plug some of those holes on "Spongebob's" body from time to time. "Spongebob" even sounds gay in his dialect and will break out into lisping every no and then. Even the old salty pirate in the beginning of the show is a little light in the wrists...look how he sings the opening song and allows the camera to focus on his moist, homo-lips. "Oooooooh...who lives in a pinnapple, blah blah blah blah." If you don't agree with me, watch the next episode and take what I 've said into consideration. Oh and by the way, is it gay for two men to briefly share an umbrella during a very heavy rainstorm and neither can afford to get wet and have their clothes ruined? (Business attire, of course)
Q.  Is it gay to squeeze hard and then squeeze again softly during a handshake? What about rubbing the inside part of the index finger and thumb during a handshake? I've had that happen to me a lot when some guys shook my hand, there was a lot of eye contact and they would squeeze hard but not too hard.
Q.  I was invited to a fag bar by a fag who has a boyfriend. This worried me that I was showing gay tendencies. I took the piss out of his sexuality and said I wasn't going. Am I in the clear? (I work with the guy - no social contact)
Q.  I was fucking this older "lady". Later she was giving me head and tried to stick her fingers up my ass said that" it would make me cum so hard" HELLO!!! question...IF I had let her would that have been gay? I kicked the bitch out of my bed and sent her on her way was that the right thing to do? Hell the head was the best and I still think about it...without the fingers I mean!!!
Q.  Is it gay for this site to be my favourite on the internet and when reading the blog (August 13th) when you said you might give the site up to get the same gutted feeling I got when the girl I loved said she was moving several hundred miles away? Is that gay or does it just show I have very little in my life?
Q.  My twenty year class reunion is a couple of years off. This bitch I see at the supermarket has that in common with me. She asked me if I wanted to help organize the fuckin' thing. I told her that was gay. She didn't understand why, insisting it would be nice to see people I hadn't seen in twenty years. If you're a guy, you should have nothing to do with organizing your class reunion, especially of you're single. Drunk Bastard, please advise.
Q.  My buddies and I were at a wedding, and we were line dancing with these women. Of the four of us, one guy got layed, in part because of the line dancing. So, was line dancing gay for all of us? The three dudes who didn't get any pussy? Or was it possible for us to ride the coattails of our pal who scored, thereby putting all of us in the clear?
Q.  My girlfriend wants to use the pc, so I'm leaving the site. If I let her, is it gay?
Q.  Is it gay to shave your pubes and ass? How about the chest? Not because you think it looks cool, but because it is annoying to have itchy ass hair everywhere.
Q.  I've just met a woman that lives a couple hours away from me. We hit it off right away and now I'm spending 2-3 hours a night on the phone with her. Yes we have done the deed, so I'm not just "doing what it takes" to get into her pants. Is spending this much time on the phone gay?
Q.  Michelob Ultra Amber is due out soon. Is it gay, or does it deserve a chance to prove otherwise?
Q.  This " friend " won't fuck this chick that's been around the block---several times. She's hot, easy, a good lay, , with only the standard female mental issues. He claims he's discerning, and he has banged other women. I say his unwillingness is gay. Who's right?
Q.  I have a friend who I think is gay and I was wondering if you could answer this for me. The other night he was sitting on the couch and put his legs on my lap is that gay? Also sometimes he strokes my arm and my neck when we are at home or either in a store is that gay? Also sometimes he humps me at home. He says hes straight but when he looks at girls online he doesnt show much interest at all. Could you please help me answer this.
Q.  Is it gay for a guy to carry a "man purse?" is it gay for wishing that back when purses were invented that it was a unisex trend? i dont have a real desire for them, just sick of carrying everything in my pockets!!
Q.  A mate and me got rather drunk the other night and started talking about wanking. He said that any guy that wanked himself was gay and might as well do it to another guy. The reason - you get a cock in your hand, get it hard, play with it and make it come. And you enjoy it. I sought of agree with him. Is wanking gay???
Q. Is wearing a ring on your right thumb gay?
Q. I'm a female, and I not only like this site, the gay questions are among my favorite. I'm not even offended by the "How Much To Fuck That" section-- I just think it's funny. Am I a lesbo?
Q.  If you use a time machine to go back in time and have sex with yourself, is that gay?
Q.  If I watch gay porn just to get an erection but then think of chicks when I masturbate is it gay? Plus I don't like any guys. Infact i like a girl named Stephanie. But i can't get around the porn part.
Q.  when a man says to another man "I have an itchy ass" Is he asking to be fucked?
Q.  IF you clone yourself and your clone jacked you off is that gay?
Q.  Is it gay to watch she-males fucking chicks?
Q.  I listen to N'Sync while dancing naked and singing around my house. Is that Gay?
Q.  I was wrestling with my sparring partner one time after we drank a 12 pack and smoked a few bowls. Well, he pinned me pretty quickly, and well, I got hard pretty quickly. He was hard as well. He denies this ever happened... was that gay? Should I approach him again?
Q.  My buddy and I were really fucked up, along with this broad who's really wild. While drinking she starting talking about two dudes and her. My buddy and I couldn't do it, too fucking weird. Anyway, what's appropriate in that situation, should it ever arise again? Two naked dudes would be looking at each other, albeit from opposite ends of the chick. Would high-fiving be okay. Schlongs would be on display and everything. What's a guy to do and not think he went too far?
Q.  If you get sloppy-seconds, can you be gay? You know, someone's cock was just there, and and she's on the pill, so it's really sloppy.
Q.  I think elaborate handshake rituals are gay? Are they? I think an old-fashioned firm grasp should suffice, not some complex arragement of grips and grasps.
Q.  A hadn't seen this dude in twenty years. He hugged me. He's a big burly fucker, and it was that new guy-hug, you know, one arm on the back shit. It felt gay, is guys hugging each other out of control, and when is it gay?
Q.  Are Russians (the drinks, not the former communists) gay?
Q.  I refuse to participate in the YMCA dance, whether at sporting events, social functions, or anywhere else. I associate the dance with fags. I am now discovering young people who are ignorant of the original meaning of the song. Is it gay to participate ( I say yes ) and am I obligated to explain why I loathe the damn thing, or does my reply of, " It's fucking gay, that's why! " suffice?
Q.  As a rule of thumb, if I tell my wife something is gay, and she replies back that it's not gay, it's cute, can I rest assured that it is indeed gay? In this particular case, she purchased a snowman family for the front of the house. I said it was gay, she said it was cute.
Q.  Is it gay to prepare food specifically for your dog?
Q.  My grandmother knitted a sweater as Christmas gift to me. It's pink and baby blue with snowflakes. It looks really gay. My sister is getting married in two weeks, and the rehearsal dinner is this Friday. Grandma will be there, as will my girlfriend, who fails to see the gayness of the sweater, and also attending will be my four brothers ( large family, 5 boys, 2 girls )who see that sweater as a gay pride eddifice. Is it gay if I wear the sweater, or can I get a pass due to extenuating circumstances?
Q.  If a guy searches for exact change at the checkout of a store, is he gay? I say yes, someone else says no. Please settle the matter.
Q.  I started bartending on the side, one day a week, at a social ( read drinking to excess with gambling ) club I belong to. Is it gay to have programming on the tv other than sports? Is the History or Military Channel okay? It's a mens club, by the way, if that helps.
Q.  In a male/female relationship, if the female is far superior in the masculine arts ( reading a road map, using tools to fix things ) is the guy, by default, gay?
Q.  Are beer snobs gay? These are people who taste beer, and critique it like wine. They dislike anything that's mass produced, instead preferring the brew from micro-breweries. I see similiarities to men who shop at boutiques.
Q.  I am in need of your particular brand of directness; I asked a girl out on the 18th of December and she said yes (a fucking mirical), yet in that time we've not actually BEEN out except for seeing each other at the pub with friends. My last phone bill was a rip off after ringing her so much and, while she's got a load of shit on at the moment, I'm debating if I'm gay waiting so long and putting so much effort in in the vague hope of a "meaningful" relationship. Also could you please ask your president to stop arse raping our Tony "the poodle" Blair so much? He's starting to walk with a limp.
Q.  If drinking out of the same can or bottle is gay, is passing a joint, or sucking from the same bong also gay? The premise seems a bit ambiguous. I can't see how guys sharing 40 ouncers is gay. Is the 40 ouncer of dirt cheap, high alcohol the most masculine drink there is?
Q.  Are martinis inherently gay? How many steps/ingredients push a martini over the edge?
Q.  I've been sick for a few days. My girlfriend really turned up the TLC. If I fake the illness for an extra day, is it gay?
Q.  Are those over-ized nightshirts used by the Three Stooges gay? Women wear giant shirts at night, but can a guy do the same?
Q.  I went to a bachelor party over the weekend. My buddy refused to participate in any of the activities the women offered. Seems he'd met a girl a couple of weeks ago, and he was afraid some of his activities would get back to her. He was universally branded fag-boy. Did he axt like a little homo? On an aside, what's gayer ( if such a word exists ): Breaking the bachelor party code of silence, or making up lame excuses as to why you don't participate?
Q.  My wife brought home a box of Fannie Mae chocolate. I asked her to open it up on the spot. My brother, who was visiting, said I was acting like a homo, because I was excited about a box of meltaways. Was I?
Q.  This broad gives the best blow job. It's frickin amazing. She says she learned it from a homo friend of hers. He demonstrated on someone. Are any rules broken here, or is it gay by association?
Q.  Is watching Sex and the City alone considerd gay?
Q.  I recently bought a house. It turns out it was owned by a fucking flamer. It disgusts me to think about some of the shit that went on around here. What are some recomendations to de-gay the house? The realator failed to disclose this info, should he have done so? Can a house be gay? Could Hugh Hefner " straighten " out Richard Simmons's house?
Q.  I've expressed an interest in attending barber school. My friends say that barbers are gay, because they touch men's hair. I say barbers aren't gay until they become stylist, and cut women's hair. So, are barbers gay, and how is the male contact justified, while male/female contact in the profession denotes big-time flamer?
Q.  Me and another dude are off-roadin' in my pick-up truck. We're slamming Budweisers, Tallboys at that, and listening to David Alan Cole, and before you know it, we're both singing his song, You Don't Even Call Me by My Name. And swiggin' from the same can too. We were latter told we engaged in gay activity. Did we? We were drunk, in truck, drinking Bud, and listening to outlaw country.How's that gay?
Q. Is this list of answers universal? Does it apply to rednecks/white trash, who I have found have a different concept of when something is gay? For example, Heineken is gay, Old Milwaukee is the best beer in the world. Smoking unfiltered cigarettes is not gay, any other type of cigarette is gay. Does your list cover all demographics?
Q. Is it gay for men to ask for separate checks at a resaurant?
Q. If I get drank under the table by a woman, am I gay? What if the woman's a dyche?
Q. Are those guys from the program Mythbusters gay? They certainly act like it.
Q. What's the minimum pain tolerance or discomfort tolerance that a guy should have. I figure that failure to withstand the minimum is gay. For example, if you call of work because you've got a cold or a touch of the flu, it's gay. If you get spiked in a baseball game, and blood is drawn, there's no reason to call it quits as long as stitches are required. Is there a guide or a helpful chart available?
Q. Is it gay for a man to use coupons?
Q. Is it gay to use one of those baskets at the supermarket? I think guys look like Little Red Riding Hood when carrying one of those baskets. Other people disagree, and see them as a utlity piece.
Q. Is it gay if I go curtain and drapery shopping with my wife, even though my goal is to stop her from buying the gayest curtains she can find? Is it gay for me to even care? Is it gay that I even know we have curtains?
Q. I can remember back in the 1980's, when wine coolers were gay. Are wine coolers still gay? What about fruity drinks like Mike's Hard Lemonade, and the various Bacardi flavored drinks out there now, such as O3, Raspberry, Big Apple, etc?
Q. Are there any circumstances that will allow two guys to go see Brokeback Mountain together?
Q. Once a guy gets married, and he's forced to cut back, or eliminate fishin trips with the guys, can the remaining single guys call the married guys " fucking homos " because they won't take a weeklong fishing trip to Minnesota?
Q. How many pairs of shoes should a man own. While helping a friend move, I learned he had 15! pairs of shoes. That's gay. That also caused me to take stock of my own situation, and my own shoe collection is borderline gay, I think. I have five pairs of shoes. A pair of gym shoes, a pair of sandals, a pair of brown leeather shoes, ie, Rockports, a pair of steel-toed workboots, and a pair of black, shiny shoes that I wear with my suit. How many pairs of shoes must a man own to cross the line?
Q. My wife brought me a pair of pajamas. I told her men's pajamas are gay. I'm right, aren't I?
Q. I have several hundred pictures from various vacations I've taken over the years. Is it gay to organize those pictures in photo albums, or is it best to coax a woman into performing that task?
Q. Is it gay for a single guy to have a house or apartment that so neat and tidy that women don't feel the least bit uneasy when they enter?
Q. It's well established that fruit based drinks for a man are gay, however is Smirnoff Norsk gay? (to save on any research if Norsk hasn't reached you yet, it's Smirnoff flavoured with "Nordic Berries") It doesn't taste fruity in the same was as Peach Schnapps (GAY GAY GAY) but it seems to avoid the gayness. Some insight please?
Q. Is it gay for a guy to know what the various pieces of silverware are actually used for?Or is it okay to know, but gay to actually use the knowledge? I may have salad forks, but I'll be damned to use them unless she pulls them out!!!
Q. Everyday at lunch, my buddy reads the female sex advice columnist, I think her name is Berman. He claims to be gaining inside info on the workings of the female libido. I told him it was gay as prancing around Wrigleyville with a rainbow flag. Are reading these columnists gay?
Q. DrunkBastard, please rank the following in ascending order, based on how gay each one is. It'll help a few guys straighten out another guy, we hope.

A. Wearing pink
B. Watching Oprah
C. Using baby-talk around the guys, when speaking to your wife or girlfriend.
D. Always leaving the bar the instance she calls.
E. Line dancing when you're married, even though you're wife is sitting it out.

Q. I'm considering going out to a bar in hospital scrubs, a lab coat and wore a stethascope around my neck (i.e. straight from work without getting changed), would that make me look gay, a cunt or get me laid?
Q.  Is it gay to dance at a party, if you're tripping your brain out on acid? If I was on acid 15 years ago at a Grateful Dead Show, and I was dancing, was it gay?
Q.  Is it gay for a perfectly functional guy to allow a woman to drive his car? He's not drunk, stoned, or anything else, he just prefers to let her do the driving.
Q.  I find MTV's Real World really gay. I know there are hot women on the show, but the whole thing reeks of gayness. Is it me, or is the show homo?
Q. Is it gay for a man to call his wife from the supermarket on his cell phone, and to begin the conversation with, " It's just me.. "? I find that incredibly gay.
Q.  I'm beginning to have doubts about a friend of mine. I wonder if he still a red-blooded male. His reaction time to certain stimuli seems dulled. For example, the other day, when channel surfing, he didn't see the hot girl as a Wheel of Fortune contestant. He also missed a couple of hotties in a pan shot of the crowd at a football game. He was driving, he couldn't tell that there were two potential cuties three cars in front of us. There are other examples too. Is the guy losing his edge, or is he turning to the Dark Side?
Q. If a guy was 16, and he had a poster of Tommy Lee in his room, was it gay? At 26, has it eveolved into gay?
Q. Is it gay to talk to your dog with baby-talk?
Q. Is it gay if a man that knows your name calls you by your first, middle, and last name, when he first sees you? Is it the equivalent of two women screaming, and rushing to hug one another when they haven't seen each other in a long time, like two weeks?
Q. Because of the catty nature of woman, there are women who have very few female friends, and in general get along with men better. They are not considered gay. If a guy has the same type of problem with other men, is he gay?
Q. Are you aware of the term " wingwoman "? Basically some dork with money to burn hires a good looking woman to hang out with him at a bar. Her job is to introduce him to women, so he can eventually get layed.Is doing something like this gay? Is it really gay if you appear on the news, touting that your wingwoman helped you get multiple phone numbers?
Q.  Male animal rights activists: are they gay?
Q.  Women never call their snatch just that..their snatch or pussy, or any other term dudes use. Instead they use " secret " code words, as if the thing is a secret, and exists in a realm between myth and reality. Is it gay for a man to refer to female genetalia in words the female uses?
Q.  Is it gay for a guy to have a 'Prince Albert'?
Q.  It is gay for men to watch soap operas, right?
Q.  I 'm in the store with my girlfriend, and she notices two guys, just shopping together. It's a supermarket. She says, out of nowhere, that they're gay. I wasn't paying attention, so I didn't notice anything. I am now self-conscious, as I occasionaly shop with a co-worker for company supplies. How do two men conduct themselves in a store and not look gay?
Q.  A friend of mine usually notices, or realizes, what a group of women are talking about. He claims he's a good listener, with an open mind. I call him gay because he can jump into one of their conversations at a party without sarcasm. Who's right?
Q.  Is it gay for men to watch American Idol?
Q.  Is it gay for a male, who's not in an elite military unit ( Green Berets ) to otherwise wear a beret?
Q.  If five guys are drunk, and on acid, in a cabin in the woods, and suddenly five lesbians show up, is it gay if none of the guys get some pussy? Can guys who weren't there call the guys who were homos? One of the women was pretty hot.
Q.  I associate a certain amount of gayness with snobbery. The snobs in Christmas Vacation came off as gay, the Grey Poupon people...gay...from Animal House...Niedemeyer...Gay. What do you think?
Q. If you're single, not physically ill, and being hit on by a hot chick who is NOT a psycho hose beast, isn't the only reason why you wouldn't hook up that you're gay. It's either this or just "giant pussy," and my buddy and I need a ruling here.
Q.  Is it gay to piss in a toilet stall when there is a perfectly good urinal out there? Keeping in mind said urinals have dividers between them. And for that matter, it's gotta be gay for a guy to piss sitting down right?
Q.  Is it gay to think that women are manipulative, lying peices of douchebag bastardised shit and that their sole purpose in life is the fuck over men? Don't get me wrong, I wanna fuck them anyway - I'm just wondering if it's gay to harbour such hatred?
Q.  Bracelet clarification: Are you saying that the Lance Armstrong "Livestrong" bracelets supporting cancer are gay? I will admit though that people who wear them because they're "in" are gay.. And same goes for those who wear the copycat bracelets.. But what of those who truly support?
Q.  Are white pants on a guy a sign he's gay?
Q.  Is it gay to notice a really cool Oriental rug in someone's house?
Q.  Outside of a watch, or a garter from a " fashion show ", should a guy ever wear anything on his wrists? In particular, those rope, or twine bracelets.
Q.  How gay is Jerry Rice for appearring on Dancing With he Stars? Is it okay to suspect that he remained in San Francisco for so long because he had other motives?
Q.  Assuming there is no pre-holiday guarantee of sex, is it gay to celebrate with/buy gifts for your girlfriend on Valentine's Day if no attempt is made to get out of said celebration/gift purchasing?
Q.  A new phenomena seems to be sweeping the nation...myspace...or is it GAYspace?
Q.  Is listening to ABBA gay? If you get pussy as a result, is it? Is it okay to have the CD, and display it, because, well, chicks really dig the music, and lends itself to getting pussy? This means your friends also see it.
Q.  Is it gay that there is a picture of a naked dude in the drunk bastard photo album? Is it gay that I looked at it? Is it gay that I put it on my friends’ dads’ lap top full size and kept it there for half an hour until the oblivious fool finally looked at it only to have him ban me from using electronic devices in his house and then proceed to kick me out?
Q.  If a guy has a cool toy, like say a real kick-ass dirtbike, but has a list of excuses a mile long as to why he never uses it, is he gay for not using it?
Q.  If all things are equal, and five guys are out drinking, and they start at 8PM, when's the earliest one can turn in and not be a labeled a fuckin pussy? If four guys shut the place down, and the fifth turns in two hours earlier, is he still a homo?
Q.  Is it gay for a guy to not go on a roadtrip over the weekend because he has to study for an exam? It's not a final exam, and the exam isn't until Tuesday.
Q.  Is it gay for a guy to watch a chick flick, like You've Got Mail, even it's 2AM, and there's nothing else on?
Q.  Is it gay for a guy to watch Magnum P.I. reruns? What about The Dukes of Hazzard episodes that don't really feature Daisy?
Q.  Is Rey Mysterio winning the Royal Rumble gay?
Q.  I am a guy and I own a cat. Said cat fetches. The cat comes when called. It drinks from the toilet. The cat even half-ass barks even. My cat is part dog. Or at least it thinks so. How the hell can I be gay to own an animal that girls adore and that I barely have to take care of other than putting food in it's dish once every day?
Q.  This guy said Jessica Simpson does nothing for him. I said she may be dumb as a rock, but, how much do you want her to talk. Can I call my buddy a homo for not getting turned on by the bimbo?
Q.  In the world of hot superstars, can the actions of the superstars affect their fantasy fuck-a-bility? Britney Spears for example. She's as dumb as rock, but if she sat next to you, any red-blooded guy would want to bang her till the cows came home. A friend disagrees, and says that her behavior has affected her desirability. I said that was gay. Was it?
Q.  Is it gay to imbibe concoctions like Blow Jobs, etc.? I say it's gay, even if it results in the guy getting an " in " that results in a lay. Others disagree, and say it's only a fucking drink. What's your take on the issue?
Q.  What's the proper way to expressadmiration for another guy? Is, " He's cool " good enough? What goes too far, and crosses the line of sounding gay?
Q.  Is it gay for a single guy to send Christmas cards? If married, is it gay for the guy to even know what the card looks like?
Q.  I was out walking my dogs, and I stopped briefy and spoke to my brother. I continued walking down the street, and my brother hopped into his truck, with his wife. As they drove by, less than a minute after I spoke to them, his wife waved at me. I felt it would have been gay to wave back, so I gave a nod, and kept on my way. Had I waved.....gay or not?
Q.  My sister-in-law and I have been having an on-going discussion for about two or three weeks now. She has this big crush on Johnny Depp (which she admitted to at dinner two nights ago), and she wants my wife and I to go see his new priate movie with her. It's not even that she wants us to see it; it's more like she keeps trying to convince me personally that I'll "really like him" if I just see this movie because he did such a "great job" in the first one. She seems to be trying to garner enthusiasm from me about this French-loving, eyeliner-wearing, candy-ass.  I keep telling her that it's fine for her to have a crush on Johnny Depp (like I give a rat's ass), but it's gay for me to want to go out of my way and spend hard-earned money to see a "Johnny Depp film"--and it's way gay for me to get excited about it. It's one thing if the movie happens to be on TV and my wife, daughter, and sister-in-law out-vote me (I have beer and whiskey, and they let me wear a sidearm, so I often capitulate). But to go out together for the explicit purpose of seeing a Johnny Depp movie? Come-on. It's gay right?
Q.  OK; I know you think that going to a female “stylist” is gay—but hang with me on this one, because I’m going somewhere completely different. First, I don’t like being touched by men. Period. Sure I hug my brothers and my father—but only because I’m expected to do so, not because I like it.  Second, I was suddenly desperate for a haircut one day a while back, which is usually the case when I finally decide to take 20 minutes out of my schedule for this necessary evil. I don’t have a regular barber or a “hair dresser”. I usually just come to the sudden realization that I really need a haircut. After scoping out several places in my neck of the woods, I pulled into my neighborhood and, low-and-behold, there’s a haircutting place I never noticed before. OK—it’s a salon (ugh). I pulled into the parking lot and scoped it out. I then discovered that there were no male “stylists” so I went in and a nice Asian lady cut my hair. BTW she was kind of hot.  Yesterday I was desperate again and so I went back hoping that the nice Asian lady would cut my hair again. Unfortunately for me, the place was closed, which prompted me to start reading all the signage for some clue as to when they would be open. It was then, to my utter horror, that I realized the name of the place is “Fair Lady Salon”. Here’s the question: was it gay for me to get my haircut at the Fair Lady Salon later that day, knowing the name of the joint? (Remember I was desperate and I can’t have a man touching me.) Would it be gay for me to go back?
Q.  Is coming to your site each day to see if you finally got off your ass to update "How Much to Fuck That" gay?
Q.  Is it gay for a guy to let another guy sit on his lap to take a picture?
Q.  Ozzie Guillen called Jay Mariotti a fag, and the people have a hissy fit. Hasn't every guy at one time or another called another a guy a fag? If you haven't used the word, is it gay?
Q.  Is it gay for a guy to watch reruns of The Brady Bunch?
Q.  Are complex Starbuck's coffee orders gay? After how many slight changes can the server call the male customer Princess?
Q.  Is the following porno situation gay? Female A is licking the muff of female B. Female B is wearing a strap-on, and fucking Male A in the ass. Male A is getting blown by Female C. Female C is getting a bouble header from Female D. Female D is getting fucked by Male B. Does the one gay act cause the whole scene to be gay?
Q.  Those new Miller Lite commercials, the men of the square table, seem like a rip-off of the Is that Gay Q&A. So, unless you're financially compensated, are those commercials gay?

 

Q.  Is it gay if another guy blows me?

A.  Yes, unless at the time you were under the belief that the person fellating you was female (i.e. you were at Mardi Gras).  If you believed that you were getting a knob-polish from a girl and only after the ejaculation you learned that "she" was in fact a he, you are excused from being gay.  However, it is a good idea to (a) wash your genitals as soon as possible, and (b) nail some girl in order to get that skeevy feeling out of your system.  Let's not get into the fact that you should have noticed "her" Adam's apple, you fucking moron.

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Q.  Is it gay if I watch another guy have sex with my (wife/girlfriend/sister)?

A.  Yes.  The act of watching your wife or girlfriend screw another guy makes you gay.  If it's your sister, it makes you a twisted fuck.  However, this does not apply to threesomes with your girl and another guy.

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Q.  Is it gay if I have a threesome and the third person is a guy?

A.  No, provided that at no time do you come in physical contact with him.  Furthermore, you should high-five him afterwards.  Preferably over her back.

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Q.  Is it gay if I watch porn with other guys?

A.  No, but certain conditions must apply:  (1) you are all clothed; (2) you don't look at each other for more than a few moments; (3) it's straight porn; (4) you don't dwell on the males on the screen (i.e. "Look at the cock on that guy") unless it is in a humorous manner (i.e. "Holy fuck, dude, he's gonna split her in half!")  Furthermore, you shouldn't be sitting or standing less than two feet from the next male.

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Q.  Is it gay if I have feelings for other guys?

A.  Good question.  It all depends on how you define "feelings."  If your feelings for another male are like, "Wow, I can't believe the Yankees traded him, sonofabitch," well then no, that's not gay.  However, if your feelings tend toward the "Wow, I can't believe the Yankees traded him, he must be upset, I wish I could hold him in my arms and comfort him," then yeah, that's gay.

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Q.  Is it gay that my only drinking partner in NY wanted to walk into a gay bar in the village because he was cold??

A.  Yet another good question.  If your friend is (a) me, it is (b) -7° F. with the wind-chill, we're (c) looking for a bar and have no idea where it is, (d) was going to stay just long enough to ask for directions to the bar or call 411 and get the address, and (e) the friend doesn't know that the question, "Can I push your stool in?" has a whole different meaning there, then NO, fuckface (Ivan), it's not gay.  However, if it was "Gee, I'm cold, let's go in there and I can warm them up between the supple and yielding buttocks of another male," then yep, your friend's a turdburglar.

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Q.  Is it gay to work out in a tight t-shirt?

A.  Yes.  With the sole exception of cycling (and why they need to wear clothing that makes them look like homos I have no idea... unless they are), no exercise should be done in a tight t-shirt.  Loose-fitting t-shirts or tank tops are the preferred hetero workout attire.  Tight tees say to the world, "I'm working out and looking for some hot guy to make me do some squats on his dumbbell."  Trust me guys, you look like a homo in a tight t-shirt doing chest presses.  Generally, you're working out with OTHER GUYS.  OTHER GUYS (who are straight) don't want to see exactly how bulging you are (or in many cases, aren't).  What tight shirts also might say is, "I bought this shirt four years, twenty pounds, and three hundred shoulder presses ago and can't afford clothes that fucking fit me."  But you still look gay.

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Q.  Is it gay for a straight guy to want to tend bar at a gay bar or club, obviously, in order to make huge tips from guys that, obviously, want to bang me...whats up wit dat?

A.  First off, I am unsure of something.  Is the person asking the question the one tending bar?  If so, you shouldn't be surprised about being hit on by the clientele (what I assume the "whats up wit dat" question refers to).  However, that aside, it is not gay to be a bartender in a gay bar/club.  As long as nothing sexual goes on between the bartender and the patrons, it is simply a job.  Several years ago I was talking with a representative of a liquor distributor who said that the gay bar on his route ordered massive amounts of hard alcohol.  My reply was, "Well, in order for me to suck dick, I'd have to drink a lot of booze."  Not that, even in a near-death state of alcohol consumption, would I do it.  I'm too straight.  But I digress.  The point is, there is drinking in gay bars, ergo there are tips to be made in gay bars, and if you get hired and they tip you...  Well, this is from "What Every Man Should Know About Drinking" which appears on this site:

Even if you have ascertained your bartender's name, behaving overly familiar with him will be seen as a pathetic gambit for free drinks or, worse, proof that you have nobody to go to for affection other than a random service-industry professional who does not, in fact, know you and just wants your money.

We bartenders (even though I haven't poured professionally in several months, I still am a bartender) are in it for the money.  End of story.

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Q.  Is it gay if a guy has sex with a he/she? (a "woman" with all female genitalia plus a penis)

A.  One would think that having sex with a hermaphrodite would only be half-gay, which also means half-straight.  However, on the subject of gayness, the football rule of offsetting penalties does not come into play.  I believe it was the great thespian and Rhodes scholar Andrew Dice Clay who once orated, "Either you suck dick, or you don't suck dick."

Some would argue that if the penis is non-functional as a sexual organ, there is no homosexual undertone involved in the coupling.  In that case, it would not be gay as long as (a) the penis was in fact not functional in a sexual manner, and (b) the male whose gayness is in question does not in any way become aroused by the penis.  Could the penis be thought of as a very very very large clitoris?  Possibly.

However, for the sake of this website, and to give a non-binding answer one way or the other, yes, it's gay if you fuck a he/she.

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Q.  is it gay to not be shure about whats gay and what isnt!

A.  No, just ignorant.

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Q.  Is it gay when you kiss the same gender?

A.  Not always.  For women, it is commonplace for female friends to kiss on the cheek when meeting after a prolonged absence from each other.  When girls kiss on the lips and/or open-mouthed, it is called "porn."  When guys kiss ANYWHERE it is gay unless one of the following stipulations applies:

• It's the Pope and you are kissing his ring;

• He's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease;

• You are performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on another male, provided that at least once you stop and yell loudly, "I am doing this only to aid cardiopulmonary resuscitation on this man and in no way am I getting aroused!";

• He is your brother and you tell him, "You broke my heart, Fredo, you broke my heart!"  Then you tell him that, purely for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

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Q.  Is it gay to drive what is commonly known as a girly car but stubbornly insist that it's a "babe magnet"?

A.  No, if it's (a) a convertible, (b) paid for, and (c) you're safe enough in your heterosexuality that you can drive it without imaging that the stick shift is a big, bumpy cock.  And since this was obviously a jab at me, I don't refer to my fucking Miata as a "babe magnet."  So blow me.  And no, me saying "Blow me" doesn't make me gay.

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Q.  This site is run by a gay because there are no nude pics of women.

A.  Ah.  Yes.  That's right, I'm gay.  I'm gay because I don't have any nude pics of women.  It's about time SOMEONE finally figured that out.  You fucking moron.

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Q.  Is it gay to kiss a guy if you are a girl?

A.  No, you are simply a "female homo."  I am a male lesbian.  I am a man trapped in a man's body.

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Q.  Is it gay if I've had sex with 100+ women in every position and style conjured up in the world of kama sutra and want to have sex with a guy just once to say I've tried that too?

A.  Yup.

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Q.  Is it gay if you and another guy are tag-teaming a broad, double-penetration style, and your nuts rub against his?

A.  This question has been brought up many times.  Un fortunately, it's not a black-and-white decision.  In my opinion, it should be one guy getting oral while the other is exploring one of the two holes on the other end.  I think the incidental contact rule in football applies in this case.  We've all seen straight porn where both guys are around the back side, and you KNOW incidental contact is occurring.  As long as neither male is turned on by the ball-rubbing, I think it's OK.

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Q.  Is it gay is a girl puts something up your ass during sex?

A.  Well, that depends on what that something is.  The "milking the prostate" scene from Road Trip notwithstanding, a guy's ass shouldn't have anything going in without a very good medical reason.  However, a little bunghole fondling feels kinda funky, so:  up to the second knuckle on the pinky, the first knuckle on the other fingers and thumb, that's not gay.  Go past that point, well, gaygaygaygaygay.  And if you're like the guy my ex-wife was married to before me (Scott Ellsworth Thomas, I don't give a fuck who knows) and you want her to shove a vibrator in your ass while you moan, "fuck my little pussy," that's just SO FUCKING GAY there isn't room for words.

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Q.  Is it gay if you eat out a girl after another guy has sex with her and blows his load inside her?

A.  This is covered by the transvestite-blowjob rule.  I know of an instance where a guy went down on a girl after she had been done in both holes by another guy.  However, since he didn't know at the time that was the case, it's not gay.  However, if you knowingly go down on a girl when she still has another guy's gunk in her, you might as well just wrap your pretty mouth around his cock, you fag.

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Q.  Is it gay to put peanut butter on your balls and have your dog lick it off?

A.  Uh, er, hmmm...  maybe not "gay" so much as just fuckin' twisted.  Now boysenberry jam, that's a different story...

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Q.  Is it gay to drive a pink Suzuki Swift?

A.  Dude, it's gay to drive a pink ANYTHING.  A 1968 Camaro with a 396 and a 4:11 rear would be gay if it was pink, OK?  Fast, but gay.

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Q.  Are homosexuals gay?

A.  Ah, the questions I get sometimes.  Yet, surprisingly, a good one.  Gay is defined by the Merriam-Webster College Dictionary (a copy which is conveniently on my desk) as:

gay (ga), adj.  1. having or showing a joyous mood.  2. bright or showy: gay colors.  3.  given to or abounding in social or other pleasures:   a gay social season.  4.  licentious; dissipated; wanton.  5. Slang. homosexual.  [ME gai < OF < Gmc; cf. OHG gahi fast, sudden]

So, what does this all mean?  While homosexuals do fit the definition of GAY in the fifth definition, what about the other four?  Sexually unrestrained?  Not necessarily.  Joyous, bright, showy?  Um, yeah, maybe, who knows a gay guy who has no flair for fashion sense?  And they do sport rainbows...  However, the questions "are homosexuals gay?" really depends upon the homosexual.

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Q.  Is it gay to slap your male friends on the ass?

A.  Please see, Is it gay when you kiss the same gender? by clicking HERE.

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Q.  Is it gay to suck your own dick?  What if you don't cum in your mouth?

A.  And again, a good question.  Would blowing yourself be any more gay than masturbation?  I am going to go out on a limb here and so no, it's not gay.  However, if you cum in your mouth, then you're queer.  Especially if you swallow.  And I don't want to hear, "But I just wanted to know how it tasted."  Fag.

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Q.  Is it gay to drive a Pinto?

A.  See the pink Suzuki Swift question above.

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Q.  Is it gay to masturbate in front of another guy like Gerald Broflovsky (Kyle's dad) and Randy Marsh (Stan's dad) did in South Park, episode 308, 'Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub'?

A.  Yes.

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Q.  Is it gay gettin' sucked by a guy as a dare?

A.  What?  "I dare you to let me suck your dick."  Dude, if you really had to seriously ask that, you're gay.

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Q.  Is it gay for men to go tanning?

A.  Yeah, going to a tanning salon if you're a guy is gay.  Trust me.

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Q.  What's gayer? Getting drunk off of 15 lite beers, or getting drunk off of 8 Gin Fizzes?

A.  The gin fizzes.  The name of the drink is gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to use Clinique lotion if your a guy?

A.  Dry skin is every human's problem.  Even me.  However, one rule applies: unscented lotions only.  If it smells like berries, plants, food, or anything other than lotion, gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to have another man wax your back?

A.  As gay as getting a massage from another man.  In other words, yes.

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Q.  Is it gay that I like blowjobs and cumshots in porn movies?

A.  Nope.  Well, unless you picture yourself as the starlet.  Then yeah.

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Q.  You've stated that "either you suck dick, or you don't suck dick."  Going by this logic, are bisexuals gay?

A.  I guess so.

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Q.  Does breaking an aspect of bathroom etiquette make you gay? And what if you're drunk?

A.  Never break bathroom etiquette.  Even if you're drunk.  Or... you're gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to listen to a song that, under any other circumstances, would make you rip your ears out, but you listen to because one of the girls is hot? (i.e. Dancing Queen, covered by the A*teens or Complicated, by Avril Lavigne)

A.  Good question.  I don't think that musical taste can be a determining factor in one person being gay.  Personally, I have no idea who the A*teens are, and I've seen Avril Lavigne in person and don't think she's as hot as some people think, but yeah, I'd do her, but no, I wouldn't listen to their music.  Now, I'll watch a Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera video, but sometimes will turn the sound off or play the moans and groans of a porno over the music.  But that's just me.  And I just saw a picture of the girls in A*teens, and yeah, I'd knock the bottom out of either one of 'em.  Or both.  At the same time.  But I digress.  I guess as long as you're not wearing womens' clothing while listening to the music, then it's fine.

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Q.  Is it gay if a friend rats on another friend to get laid or just outright disrespectful. Hey Jacob how are my sloppy seconds FAG

A.  By the current standards of the deity of this website (me), the aforementioned act is not gay.  But yes, it's downright despicable and violates Rule 12 of the Male Rules of Existence, and the violation is further compounded by the fact of the underhanded dealings in which the rule was broken.  Not to mention the violation if the girl is still technically involved with the first guy at the time.  Then you're just a piece-of-shit scumbag who deserves to have his balls stomped by the rampaging pack of Asian Elephants.

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Q.  If you are having sex with your clone, are you gay or are you masturbating?

A.  Um, gay.  Weird, but gay.

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Q.  Why are you self absorbed assholes so scared of being seen as gay?  Live a little.  Drive a truck all your life and no one says your a truck driver, suck one dick and your a queer.  Go figure.

A.  Shut up, fag.

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Q.  Is it gay if you were raped by a guy?

A.  Nope.  But stop pretending you were raped, we all know better...

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Q.  Is it gay to want to have anal sex with a Female and only a Female?

A.  If it is, then just about EVERY GUY ON THE PLANET is gay.  No, anal sex with a girl is fine.  Unless you make her wear a strap-on.  Then... GAY.

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Q.  Is looking at guys' cocks gay?

A.  DUDE, that's SO fucking gay, there aren't words.

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Q.  Is yellow gay?

A.  Only if it's the color of the dildo you shove up your ass while squealing out, "Fuck my little pussy!"  Oh, that was someone my ex- knew...

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Q.  If you refer to a cock as a "cockola" is that considered gay?

A.  Um, I think so, yeah, sure buddy...

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Q.  My friend (a male) is an extremely odd individual that loves to be naked. One day he decieded to get naked and sit in my kitchen completely naked for a good half an hour while i was watching T.V. on the couch far far away. Would you consider this gay?

A.  I don't think that being a nudist is gay, but if he's sitting on the couch with you naked, then yeah, that's gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to have your male friend ping his nipple when he gets intoxicated?
Is it gay to ask "hey you wanna see me tumor" and then proceed to show your balls?
Although both gay is it gayer to receive anal sex or give it?

A.  Well, aren't you queerly inquisitive?  But, to answer in order... no, yes, and give, but yes, it's gay either way.

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Q.  Quote:

"Q. Is it gay is a girl puts something up your ass during sex?

A. Well, that depends on what that something is. The "milking the prostate" scene from Road Trip notwithstanding, a guy's ass shouldn't have anything going in without a very good medical reason. However, a little bunghole fondling feels kinda funky, so: up to the second knuckle on the pinky, the first knuckle on the other fingers and thumb, that's not gay. Go past that point, well, gaygaygaygaygay. And if you're like the guy my ex-wife was married to before me (Scott Ellsworth Thomas, I don't give a fuck who knows) and you want her to shove a vibrator in your ass while you moan, "fuck my little pussy," that's just SO FUCKING GAY there isn't room for words."

QUESTION: What if she puts EVERY finger (Up to allowed knuckles) in your ass??

Is that gay?

A.  At the same time?  Yes.  The aforementioned (quoted) restrictions were limited to ONE finger at any one time.  Two or more fingers at the same time up the male ass is FUCKING GAY.  Not to mention hygienically undesirable...

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Q.  Is it gay to have another man wax your back? And if so which is gayer; the waxer or the waxee?

A.  It's gay just to get your back waxed.  The waxer could be in it for the pain-inflicting aspect.  You, as the waxee, however, are a homo.

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Q.  Is giving another man (not a father or family member, but friends or coworkers) a simple hug gay?

A.  Please CLICK HERE

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Q.  Is it gay for your male co-worker to sing your name all day?

A.  That, uh, yeah, that does kinda sound gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to watch Lifetime TV?

A.  To give an accurate answer, let's look at the lineup for Lifetime tonight (Friday, 05/09/2003):

6:00 p.m.  The Golden Girls
6:30 p.m.  The Golden Girls
7:00 p.m.  Intimate Portrait - Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York
8:00 p.m.  Lifetime Movie - Student Seduction - A happily married teacher is falsely accused of having a sexual relationship with a student who accosted her.
10:00 p.m.  Lifetime Movie - Vanished Without a Trace - a determined woman continues to search for her missing daughter after police have given up.

"Well, OK," you might ask, "but what about the daytime schedule?"

11:00 a.m.  The Nanny
11:30 a.m.  Speaking of Women's Health
noon  The Golden Girls
12:30 p.m.  The Golden Girls
1:00 p.m.  Lifetime Movie - Mixed Blessings - Infertility, adoption, high-risk pregnancy and unresolved issues pose challenges for three couples becoming parents for the first time.  From the Danielle Steel book.

Now that this sample (and legitimate) schedule has been posted, let's analyze.  Do you see anything masculine about this lineup?  The Golden Girls?  A movie based on a Danielle Steel book?  Have you ever seen a guy reading a Danielle Steel book who wasn't also carrying a purse and eating a salad with the dressing on the side?  Do I need to go any further into this?

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Q.  Is it gay if I masturbate to a picture of myself? (by the way this is from the clone sex guy)

A.  Not only is it gay, it's fucking psychotic.  Or at the very least narcissistic.

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Q.  Is it gay to masterbate to a picture of yourself masterbating to a picture of yourself masterbating...?

A.  Hell, why not just set up two mirrors facing each other, get in the middle, and see an infinite number of images of yourself punching the clown?  You with your crank in your hand into infinity.  Who let you communicate with the outside world?  Yes, it's gay.  Now go take your Thorazine.

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Q.  Is it gay to let a male dog lick peanut butter off ur nuts???

A.  I don't think it's really a question of gay, because before you even get into "gay" territory, your car breaks down in Sickville.  But, if a judgment must be made, then yes, it's gay.  And no, that doesn't mean I condone having a FEMALE dog lick peanut butter of your beanbag.  Now boysenberry jelly, that's a different story...

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Q.  Is it gay to suck a mans penis to see what it is like?

A.  Mmmm, uh, let me think, uh, YES.

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Q.  Is it gay if I take a HUGE shit, and it feels kinda good....?

A.  No, HUGE shits are supposed to feel good.  As long as things are going OUT of your ass, you're clear.  It's the things going IN that push the envelope.

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Q.  Is that gay to grab your crotch?

A.  No, but grabbing ANOTHER guy's crotch is.  Unless it's a Gila Monster-like death grip on his boys to bring him to his knees and incapacitate him, then it's not gay.

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STATEMENT:  Fuck you latent Nazi. I hope you choke on your own self-righteousness and die.

RESPONSE:  Please read the "Disclaimer" under the question submission.  Then get your dick out of your boyfriend's ass.  And your hand off his crotch.

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Q.  Is it gay to suck a cock to please your girlfriend?

A.  OK, let me make this as clear as possible.  The answer to any question that starts out "is it gay to suck a cock" is yes.  Yes, it's gay to suck a cock to please your girlfriend.  It's gay to suck a cock for a million dollars.  It's gay to suck a cock in order to get Charlize Theron to suck your cock.  The only time you're in a gray area is if there's a gun to your head, and then the caliber of the bullet comes into question.  A .22, take the shot to the head.

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Q.  Is Ken (Barbie's fellow doll) gay?  More importantly, is there something intrinsically gay about the name 'Ken'?

A.  First things first.  The fact that the Ken doll has no genitalia aside, one could argue that Ken is not gay because he comes in a box.  One could also argue that his fashion sense is somewhat, well, "fluffy."  Some of his outfits certainly do lend themselves to images of him sipping white zin in the Village.  That is, if you spend your day (or any part thereof) actually trying to imagine plastic dolls as being alive.  And if you do, you have MUCH bigger problems than the simple question of whether the Ken doll is gay.

However, being somewhat biased in the following answer to part two of your question, I would have to say, uh, NO.  No, no, and no again.  Nothing gay about the name Ken.  At all.  And naming a child Ken does not in any way give said child an edge on going gay.  So, fuck you.

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Q.  my room mate never comes out to party with us.

A.  Not necessarily gay.  Other factors must be taken into account.  More details necessary.

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Q.  Is it gay to bounce your dick up and down in front of a guy just to scare him?

A.  The experts are torn on this one, but I would say no, as long as it for the sole purpose of scaring him, that's not gay.

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STATEMENT:  I fucked my best guy friend.

A.  Well, if you're a guy, then DINGDINGDING!

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Q.  Is it gay to fuck another guy if his ass is shaved, he has long hair, and you pretend he's a girl?

A.  Only if you don't know at the time he's a guy.  If the knowledge comes after the fact, you're not gay.  You're also blind, because you fucked him in the ass and didn't notice his balls.  But let's not get into that.

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Q.  Is hot lesbian porno-style sex gay?

A.  Only if you demand that they turn and use the strap-on on YOU.  Then you're as gay as... uh...

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Q.  Is it still gay if you pull out at the last minute and blow your load all over the other guy's back?

A.  Lemme look, uh, let's see... hmm... oh, here it is... uh, YES.

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Q.  Is it gay-er to put a Light Beer bottle in your mouth or in your ass?

A.  Very good question.  If there is still beer in the bottle, then your ass.  If it's empty, either one is gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to shove a condom full of drugs up your ass to get through Customs at an international airport? 'Cos, you know, if you don't hide the drugs, you'll be caught, and you'll go to jail, and you'll be fucked up the ass anyway...

A.  No, that's not gay.  Unless it's a used condom.

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Q.  Are you gay if you are held down by 2 strong guys while another fucks you?

A.  I think that's called rape.  No, that doesn't make you gay.  The other three guys are, though.  Well, unless you pay two guys to hold you down while the other one fucks you, which isn't only gay, but pretty fucking twisted.

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Q.  Is it gay when I let my dog lick my pussy?

A.  Good question, but I'd have to say no.

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Q.  If your best buddy has a rare terminal disease and the only way to cure him is to fuck him up the ass, is it gay if you comply?

A.  There's an old joke.  Two friends are hunting in the desert and one goes behind a cactus to take a piss.  All of a sudden he screams out and his friend runs back there.  The first guy is on the ground, a rattlesnake bit him right on the cock.  The second guy runs off to find help.  He comes across an Indian who tells him he has to cut an X across the puncture wounds and suck the poison out.  He goes back to his friend, who asks, "Well, what did you find out?"  The second guy says, "Dude, you're gonna die."  In other words, yes.

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Q.  Is it gay if a male jerks all over his hand and licks it off just to see what it tastes like?

A.  Yes.  I'm not even talking any more about that.  I almost puked.

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Q.  Is it gay to get a rainbow tattoo?

A.  Yes.

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Q.  Is it gay to shave your balls so that your boyfriend doesn't get hair stuck in his teeth?

A.  I can't believe I actually considered responding to this one.

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Q.  Is it gay-er to drink another guy's semen out of a champagne flute or a beer pitcher?

A.  The champagne flute.  Wait, is there a door number three I can look behind?  Where the hell do some of you get these questions, anyway?

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Q.  Is it gay to spend a good deal of time reading "Is That Gay" questions? And, come to that, answering them?

A.  Is it gay to ask a question for something you've already done and then I tell you it's gay?  Yes.  The answer is "not gay"?  No.  Me answering the questions?  No.

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Q.  Is it gay to go out and get drunk then sleep in the same bed with your two mates Alex and Dave...

A.  Excellent question, and one that needs to be asked.  And answered.  It is NOT gay to sleep on the same bed as another male (assuming you are a male) if the purpose is (a) to pass out following a night of rock-star-like partying;  (b) no one makes mention of the incident afterwards, either to each other or (DEFINITELY) to someone else;  (c) no one gets undressed in any form.  Subparagraph (c) assumes that the male in question was clothed in some fashion prior to passing out.  If he is predisposed to running around naked when he reaches a certain alcohol saturation point and then wants to pass out in the bed, it is not gay for you (the clothed one) if he does so after you've fallen asleep, and when you wake up and discover his naked body in bed with you, you perform some sort of ritualistic act to defile his person, usually with a magic marker, can of whipped cream, razor (for shaving hair, not slicing veins), or jar of peanut butter (I know of an incident where a man's ass-crack was peanut-buttered shut, with the knife sticking out of the PB-ed crack, but that's a story for another day).  If you pass out in a bed with another male and that male is naked, you're gay.

As a corollary to the aforementioned rule, as many girls may pass out in a bed as possible, in any state of dress or undress, at any time, and it's not gay.  It's just fine.  As a matter of fact, the proprietor of this website would request that he be notified in advance of this happening, along with an address and telephone number, and I'll be there in an hour.  I'll bring the whipped cream, Hershey's syrup, videocamera (for personal use only, I swear), and box of Twix candy bars.

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Q.  Is it gay to have your ass licked by a girl?

A.  No.  In addition, it is not gay if she sticks two fingers up your ass, as long as neither finger enters the sphincter past the first knuckle.

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Q.  So you're okay with drinking semen out of a beer pitcher, then?

A.  No, I'm not OK with drinking semen out of a beer pitcher.  Or a champagne flute.  Or Cinderella's slipper.

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Q.  Is it gay to fantasise about fucking Kenny up the ass because he's so witty and, well, you know, he created the 'Is That Gay?' page, and is obviously a prime bit of beefcake...?

A.  Applications are now being taken to run drunkbastard.net.  I will be at Home Depot buying new locks for my doors and windows.  But thanks for the "prime bit of beefcake" thing.  I think.

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Q.  Are oompa loompas from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory gay?

A.  I'm answering this only because it's the fourth time this person has sent it.  No, they're not gay.  Nor are the Lilliputians from Gulliver's Travels or the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz, just to head off any further questions.

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Q.  Is it gay to ride in a jeep with the top down with no shirt on while flexing and waving to every car that you pass?

A.  Depends on the drivers of the other cars.  If they're male, it's gay.  If they're female, it's just fucking retarded.

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Q.  Is it gay to wear bondage pants? what if they're plaid and your a surly 6'5'' 275 pound punk with a mohawk, a chip on his shoulder and a penchant for Guinness?

A.  In fitting with the punk motif, I think bondage pants are OK and therefore not gay.  And that answer is in no way tainted by the fact that I'm worried about some 6'5" 275 pound punk with a mohawk listening to the Sex Pistols and hopped up on Guinness looking for me because I said his pants were gay.

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Q.  Is it gay if you're drunk off your rocker and you keep shouting and i quote "FUCK ME IN THE ASS WITH A STRAPON"?

A.  Assuming this statement was uttered by a male, then fuck yeah.  Gay gay gay gay and gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to tongue kiss your girlfriend after she just gave you a blowjob?

A.  This is a good question.  If it was you, then it's not gay if you kiss her in any fashion.  But no snowballing.  That's gay.  However, if it is a threesome (or any multi-person sexual encounter where more than one guy is involved) and she blows the other guy, then it's gay if you kiss her.  I recommend both toothpaste and Listerine.  As a corollary to that rule, if you go down on a girl after another guy has had vaginal intercourse with her, whether he ejaculated or not, then that's gay.

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Q.  I first must apologies for sending the oompa loompa question...see someone asked me that question and i told them id ask the master and they kept on asking me for the answer...so once again i apologize...now is it gay to buy a pornographic dvd featuring transexuals?

A.  Yup, watching DVDs of girls with dicks is gay.  Cock, gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to whip out ur cock sporadically?

A.  No.  I worked with a guy once who would pull his dick out for the shock value.  Or to impress girls.  However, if you're whipping your deal out in the middle of the cafeteria at an all boys' school, gay.

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Q.  Is it gay when my friend is like.. "Hey you wanna see it?" and then procedes to whip out his banana like cockola and slap it around untill i look?

A.  Get a new friend.  He's gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to have your ear(s) pierced (as a guy)?

A.  Not as such, but wearing only one in the right ear is gay.  It is the right ear, correct?  I can't remember.  I don't have earrings or piercings, so I'm a little out of touch on the whole thing.  Not my ear, my nipple, my tongue, my dick, my asshole, nothing.

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Q.  Is it gay to think a man is good looking?

A.  Good question.  If you are asked by a female if you think that another male is good-looking, you may give a yes/no answer.  After all, you don't have to be queer to know that Randy Johnson is the ugliest man in baseball.  You may make a judgment call in response to the question, but are not allowed to expound on it.  To say that Ewan MacGregor (for instance, only because Attack of the Clones in on TV right now) is a good-looking individual would not be gay if a girl asked you, "Do you think he's cute?"  However, to say, "He's cute because he has great eyes and a cute smile," that's gay.  Furthermore, your yes/no only answer should be followed by the words, "and I say that in the most heterosexual way possible."

However, if you offer the information unsolicited by a female, as in the time one of my ex-roommates said to another person at work about one of our supervisors: "He is so not cute," that's gay.  Gay gay gay.  That's right, Joey, gay.

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Q.  Interesting that you 'randomly' selected Ewan McGregor, who has a reputation for pulling out his HUGE COCK onscreen in films such as 'The Pillow Book' and 'Velvet Goldmine'...

A.  ...and when I selected him RANDOMLY, not 'randomly,' I have not only NOT SEEN "The Pillow Book" and "Velvet Goldmine," but have also NEVER HEARD OF THOSE MOVIES.  However, you, Mister Pillow-Biter, apparently have.  So, Captain Knobglobber, exactly how HUGE is Ewan McGregor's deal?

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Q.  IS the guy who asked this question "Q. Interesting that you 'randomly' selected Ewan McGregor, who has a reputation for pulling out his HUGE COCK onscreen in films such as 'The Pillow Book' and 'Velvet Goldmine'..." gay?

A.  Well, you be the judge... he knows the names of the movies that Ewan McGregor pulls out his cock.  Which, by his account, is "HUGE."  Do YOU know how big Ewan's crank is?  But HE does...  hmmm...

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Q.  Is it gay to use another guys soap in the locker room shower and rub it on ur nuts?

A.  No, the soap eliminates any ball germs and gay germs that might otherwise be transmitted.  For the sake of safety, do not use the soap that another male has used for 30 seconds.  This will allow the antibacterial effect of the soap to work on the ball germs.

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Q.  Are male high school cheerleaders gay?

A.  Not if they're doing it to pick up on the female high school cheerleaders.

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Q.  Is it gay to eat penis shaped candies?

A.  Yes.

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Q.  Is it gay if me and my wife are into enemas between just us?

A.  "Into enemas"?  What did I say before?  Anything more than two fingers past the first knuckle is gay.

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GAY ALERT:

And now, back to our regularly scheduled program already in progress.

Q.  If you've had a history of putting foreign object like douche in your ass, and then you join the army are you gay?

A.  If you're male, and you get enjoyment out of sticking ANYTHING in your ass, you're gay.  Army, no army, gay, gay, gay.

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Q.  What if it's a really manly beer pitcher, with.. like.. pictures of Mack trucks and shit on it?
Q.  Is it gay that Kenny hides his love of Ewan's cock behind elaborate light-saber metaphors?
Q.  Is it gay that Ewan hides his cock in Kenny's behind?
Q.  Is it gay to want to take pictures of lichen shaped like huge-titted chicks?

A.  Give it up, yes, it's gay; give it up with Ewan; and yes, because if you were straight, you'd be taking pictures of GIRLS, not LICHEN shaped like girls.

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Q.  Is it gay to really like girls with short hair? Not that long hair is bad, but short hair is best?

A.  No, being attracted to girls with short hair is definitely not gay.  Some incredibly hot pieces of ass have (or have had) short hair, including Charlize Theron, Janine Turner (Northern Exposure), Gretchen Mol, Erika Eleniak (who is coming soon to the Girl of the Moment page), Victoria Beckham (ditto), Brittany Daniel, Jaime Pressley, and Rachel Leigh Cook.  Have I made my point?

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Q.  Is it gay to walk around with one of those stupid glow stick things in your mouth?

A.  Yes, to walk around with anything in your mouth that is in any way phallic is gay.  Unless it gets the chicks.

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Q.  My friend Dave uses those Biore chick face cleansings clothes (that the box says is used to remove makeup).. I think Dave is gay, but I need a second opinion.

A.  Tell the fag to use soap.  Or, maybe his boyfriend likes his complexion with the Biore strips...

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Q.  Is it gay to use one of those scrubby bath balls in the shower?

A.  No.  You gonna call Craig "Ironhead" Heyward gay?  Remember that soap commercial?  "But Ironhead..."

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Q.  You know how sometimes you meet a woman, and the only thing you feel about her is that you want to hate-fuck her? Well, is it gay to want to hate-fuck a man?

A.  Wow, someone needs anger management classes.  But let's hypothesize.  Sodomizing a male, under any circumstances, is gay.  It's gay in prison, it's gay in normal life, it's gay when you meet him and you want to, as you so eloquently put it, "hate-fuck" him.  Even if you sodomize him with a baseball bat or a bullhorn or a Callaway Great Big Bertha driver instead of your penis, it's gay.  Now, if you wanted to tie him to a chair naked and pour honey on his dick and let a goat in the room to eat it off and bite his deal off, or take a railroad spike and drive it through his package and into the chair, well, that's fine.  Whoa, where the fuck did THAT come from?!?!?

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Q.  Is it gay to go to a movie with a guy and only a guy?

A.  Two men are allowed to go to a movie together under the following circumstances:

• It's not a "chick-flick."  At least three things have to explode during the film.  Anything with Meg Ryan or Meryl Streep is right the fuck out.

• It's either (a) a weekday anytime, or (b) a weekend (Friday/Saturday) before 7 p.m.

• You don't share movie food.  Get your own popcorn.

Otherwise, you're... well... you know...

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Q.  I have for some unknown reason developed the nickname of "the gayman" or "the G man".... am i gay?

A.  Not necessarily.  If your surname has the letters "gay" in that order in it, then it could be simply a perversion of your name, in which case you would be justified in punching the person in the mouth.  If not, then the person could very well be calling you "gay," in which case go ahead and hit him with your purse.

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Q.  I'm aware that it's gay if you watch heterosexual porn to see the guys instead of the girls. Fair enough. But how about this? My buddy has this dog who is male and not neutered, and he loves watching that dog having sex with lady dogs. He freely admits that it's his dog that he enjoys watching, because it makes him proud to have raised such a stud. Gay? Or just kinda weird?

A.  I'm gonna be sick.  There, that was fun. OK.  No, it's not gay to watch your dog screw female dogs.  It is fuckin' WEIRD, it's WEIRD to enjoy watching your dog hump a bitch because you "raised such a stud," I mean come on, it's a DOG, what did you do, teach the dog how to fuck?

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Q.  Is it gay for a man to shave his genital area...Also what areas are ok to shave and which areas are considered gay?

A.  It is NOT gay for a man to appreciate the benefits of a freshly shorn scrotum.  It's quite exhilarating, you should try it.  OK, so I ripped of Dr. Evil there.  But that aside, it's perfectly fine to go all the way down to the skin.  What IS gay is if you have a guy do it for you.  That goes without saying.  Any area of the genitalia is fair game for some lather and a Mach 3.  Oh, and shaving your boyfriend's name into your pubic hair... gay.

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Q.  What about ass shaving.. You cant shave your own ass, someone has to do it for you.. can a man shave my ass without it being gay?

A.  Why, dear God, WHY would a man shave his ass?  What kind of monkey did your ancestors fuck that gave you a hairy ass?  That aside, NO, another man CANNOT shave your ass.  Nor can he wax your ass.  If you really find a heterosexual need to shave your ass, you can do it yourself with a mirror.  However, think of this - the hairier your ass, the less of a chill you feel when you sit on the toilet on a cold night.

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Q.  Are Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street gay???

A.  You may be surprised to know that you are not the first person to suggest such a relationship.  Or, maybe you wouldn't.  But anyway, it has been suggested that Bert and Ernie are, in fact, gay lovers.  A film at Sundance called "Ernest and Bertram" was based on the Sesame Street characters.  Since 1993, there has been speculation that the two represent a gay couple.  The Children's Television Workshop issued a press release then, saying that the two muppets were not gay.  Yeah, Mike Piazza also had the same kind of press conference...  So, are they gay?  Possibly.  One plays with a rubber ducky just way too much.  They like to sing together.  And they've lived together for what, 35 years now?

The yet-to-be-confirmed reality that they are gay would lead one to ask the follow-up, "who's the husband in the relationship?"  If you base that position on dominance, it would have to be Bert.  Remember the now-defunct-because-the-CTV-threatened-to-sue-the-poor-guy Bertisevil.com?  Bert was involved with the KKK, the rise of Hitler, the assassination of JFK, and Osama bin Laden.  You think he's gonna catch?  Hell no.

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Q.  Is it gay if me and two friends (all male) sat on a couch completely naked and waited for my other friend (also male) to come back into the house to surprise him. (no ones skin was touching)?

A.  While some people may say "yes," I believe that three sexually-well-oriented hetero males can perform such a feat without bringing gay overtones to the table.  Or couch.  I can also appreciate the shock value that you are trying to exact.  No looking at each other below the neck while waiting for your friend to come home.  Clothing must be worn once said surprise has taken place ASAP.  And congratulatory slaps on the ass for a surprise well-done, that's so fucking out of the question...

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Q.  Is it gay if you are a male cheerleader just so you can look up the girls skirts?

A.  Go for it.

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Q.  One more ass-shaving question. I hear that chicks like clean-shaven-ness on guys as much as guys like it on chicks. Knowing that, is it gay if I go and ask for a "back, crack, and sack" shave?

A.  Not at all.  As a matter of fact, I'm considering having my back waxed to get rid of the ape-like hair that has become a fixture.  Besides, my ex-wife always used to complain about it, and having it done now when I didn't and wouldn't do it then feels like one more way to spite her.  The cunt.  Asscrack and balls, though, that might be pushing the envelope for me personally.  The pain factor.

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Q.  Is not wanting to have your "crack and sack" shaved because of the so called "pain factor" gay?

A.  Is it gay to not want to have someone smear hot wax on your asscrack and testicles and then use some sort of cloth to tear the hairs out of those parts of your body with force gay because you don't want to endure the pain?  No.  Is it masochistic to like it?  Yes.  And when was the last time YOU had your balls waxed?

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Q.  Is it gay to put fucking gay ass mushy away messages in AIM like "I love you sweetheart i havent seen u in 9 hrs 53 minurtes and 24.34 seconds i cant stand being apart" or messages such as "I wish i wasnt such a nice guy all the time maybe one day ill get lucky and find a girl"?

A.  Yes.  GAY GAY GAY.  Not to mention pathetic.  Pathetic and gay, BAD BAD combination.

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Q.  Is it gay to be turned on simply by the fact that stacci from sex with Stacci is only 19?

A.  So what, you're calling me gay too?  (NOTE:  NO Staci, that's not the ONLY reason I want to make monkeyface with you.)

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Q.  Is it gay if I'm "gellin like a felon"?

A.  Thank God someone thinks the Dr. Scholl's ad campaign is just as fucking gay as I do!  Yes, if you even use the words "I'm gellin' like a felon!" as a joke, you're gay.

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Q.  I got so drunk last night that I couldn't get it up with my girlfriend. I'm not gay, am I?

A.  No, but may I recommend not drinking to the point of nonfunctionality?  Personally, I've never been "too drunk to fuck," but that happening doesn't make you gay.  Now, if it was "I got so drunk last night that I got it up with this guy..." then yeah, start worrying.

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Q.  Is it gay to take gang showers when single showers are available or is it gayer to hide yourself in the single shower???

A.  If single showers are available and you insist on showering with other guys, that's gay.  Personally I don't feel that being naked and lathered up is one of the better male bonding experiences.  Besides, there's always the thought at the back of your mind:  is he looking at my ass?  If single showers are unavailable however, there's nothing gay about the health club locker room group shower.

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Q.  Is a man possibly gay if he has ONLY girl friends and no guy friends?

A.  There is a strong - but not definite - possibility that the man in question is gay.  While females are prone to backstabbing each other with the frequency of a cheap ham radio and have been known to hate each other for years over nothing, men are above such things.  Therefore, men CAN be friends with men, unlike women being friends with women.  Where am I going with this?  I don't know, really.  It's not gay for a guy to have a ton of girl friends, that's fine.  But if he shuts out his own kind, he is, in essence, turning his back on his masculinity.  Plus, if he shares a bottle of white zin with them, there's no question.

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Q.  I don't know what "white zin" is, but apparently it's got something to do with being gay. Is it gay to know what "white zin" is?

A.  White zinfandel.  Wine.  No, it's not gay to know what it is.  Now don't drink it.  Or you're gay.  Unless your a girl.  Then it's fine.

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Q.  There seems to be many many things which can make a male gay. What does it take for a female to be gay?

A.  Well, pretty much the same things, just gender-specific.  However, let me draw the line this way:

Male gay:  gross and disgusting
Female gay:  a must at bachelor parties and can generate substantial side income.

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Q.  Is it gay for a guy to take yoga? Keep in mind the number of women in yoga classes...

A.  No.  As a matter of fact, I've joked that I wanted to take yoga just to see if I could suck my own dick.  Is autofellatio gay?  I don't really know.  Doing it to hit on girls definitely isn't gay.  But if you do yoga in a pink unitard, that's gay.

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Q.  True story: my friend and I were walking along and we saw some guys come out of a gay pub. My friend, half-pissed, yelled out some impolite names at them. They came over and basically beat him up...I did not intervene because I was (1) half-pissed myself and (2) pretty much sick and tired of him abusing gay people. Is my friend now gay, sort of by definition?

A.  The question is here is not one of gay or not gay, but one of stupidity.  First off, allow me once again to reiterate that this page is not meant to be "homophobic" or in any way a gay-bashing mantra.  What you do in the privacy of your own bedroom, hey, go for it.  As long as it's consented to, I couldn't give a fuck less.  However, if you (a) walk by a group of people gay or not, (b) are too stupid to know when your mouth is about to write a check that your body can't cash, and (c) write said check, you pretty much deserve everything you have coming to you, whether the guys you're bashing on are gay or not.  And if this has been a modus operandi for your friend, then it has been some time coming.  Now, back to the question...  he's not gay because he got his ass kicked by a group of gay guys.  However, if they were Carson from "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" effeminate gay guys, and they kicked his ass with their purses, then he's still not gay, just a little bitch.  Unless he has a date next week with one of the guys who stomped on him.  Then he's gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to blow off your friends bachelor party where there will be beer and strippers because of work? Keep in mind that the individual could have easily gotten out of working for the night.
Q.  Is it gay to skip a kick ass bachelor party to hang out with your girlfriend?

A.  I will answer both at the same time, since the circumstances of both are closely related.  Yes, it is in fact gay to skip a bachelor party for any reason.  In the first instance, it's gay because he has no valid excuse for not attending.  For number two, it's gay because he is apparently either using the girlfriend as an excuse or is so pussywhipped that he probably asks for permission before taking a dump.  Only under the most dire of circumstances, such as a national emergency or contracting the Ebola virus, is it acceptable to not attend a bachelor party, provided that travel to said party does not involve getting on a plane (like mine did).  In that instance, financial restraints came come in to play.

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Q.  Is it gay if you and your friend comment on your own dick sizes and no dicks are shown? The context is that you're talking about having taken part in a Wet Willy contest in Ft. Lauderdale in 1982.

A.  If the discussion of penis size between males is (a) of a joking nature, limited to no more than two (2) responses each way, or (b) in reflection of a prior incident in which said penises were exposed, then the discussion is not gay.  However, absolutely positively under NO circumstances, that's a BIG FUCKIN' NO in letters like fifty feet high on fire on the side of a mountain NO should ANY complimentary statement be made about the other's penis, ie. "You know, I remember that contest, is your dick still as nice?"

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Q.  Is it gay if you and your wife pretend to switch sexual roles? In other words, she pretends to be the man and you the woman. Nothing goes up the ass.

A.  What, you mean she wears a strap-on and you blow her?  Or just an emotional swap, like you both finish having regular ol' sex, and then YOU sit there and try to talk about some guy in the office that had the same shirt on as you and you felt so embarrassed that you ate a whole pint of ice cream when you got home and how you really need to get new clothes because the belt you have doesn't really go with any of your shoes and when are you going to get the lawn sprinklers fixed and did you see the new car that the Petersons across the street bought who the hell does that guy think he is... while she rolls over, grunts, and falls asleep?  And leaves you in the wet spot?  Sexual role reversal smacks of gayness.

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Q.  Is it gay, during a heavy manly drinking session, to cross link arms in order to drink another liver killer shot? Invariably followed by drunken kisses on forehead and heavy slaps on the back.

A.  Under the context of heavy manly drinking, the crossing of arms is acceptable, as long as hands are not held, and neither one puts their hands on their hips.  The "drunken kisses on forehead" squeak by as long as they last for no longer than one-half second and no more than 30% of the fleshy lip surface comes in contact with the other man's forehead.  This maneuver SHOULD be followed by heavy slaps on the back.  Preferably hard enough to leave a mark.  Bonus points if you break a rib.

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Q.  Is it gay if two guys are cumming on a girls face and you get the other guys spunk on your hand?
Q.  Is it gay if you and a friend are fucking a girl in the same hole, i.e. double stuffing her pussy?

A.  Both questions get the same answer:  Yes.  Physical contact with another male during sexual intercourse is gay, even if it's both of you plowin' a girl.  And getting the other guy's gunk on you is gay.  Incidental contact rules do not apply, fifteen yard penalty.  My recommendation is one guy gets a blowjob while the other one is fucking her, and don't shake your dick so much when gunking on her face.

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Q.  Is it gay to pretend to yourself that you're sucking a very little dick when working on your girl's clit? Some of my best mouth work on women (their review, not mine) has been performed this way.

A.  Um, yup.

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Q.  Is it gay to look at another guy's cock in the showers out of curiousity, just as you might look at their pecs to assess their benchpressing ability?

A.  Um, yup.

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Q.  Is it gay to have thoughts of sucking your buddies' crank if you never actually say this to anyone?

A.  Please see answer to question above.

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Q.  Is it gay to cheer for a baseball team that employs Mike Piazza, a known gay athlete?

A.  Are you honestly asking a Yankee fan if it's gay to be a Mets fan?  And expecting an answer other than "yes"?

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Q.  Is it gay to stick your cock through a hole in a fence and have it sucked by an anonymous person of unknown gender on the other side?

A.  Good question (finally).  I guess it's like playing Russian Roulette, but backwards, upside-down and inside-out.  If there is a reasonable chance that you could get sucked off by a guy, then it's gay ONLY IF a guy in fact sucks you off.  This is not covered by the post-blowjob gender realization clause where you think it's a girl, and after you finish she tells you she's a he.

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Q.  Is it gay to fall head over heals for someone if you have known that person a very short time?

A.  Well, that depends.  Is that person the same sex as you?  Yes - gay; no - not gay.

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Q.  Is it gay if I'm proud when I take such a huge dump that the turd needs two flushes to be coaxed down the drain?

A.  Not only is it NOT gay... not only should you be proud... but, He-Man Of The Turd Universe, you should get all your male friends within shouting distance to come and witness the beast.  Although I think naming it would be a little over the top.  Once, of course, you've wiped and pulled your pants up.  And zip up your fly, for fuck's sake.

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Q. Is it gay to pretend to be gay, pick up a guy in your car and watch him beat off, even though you and your hetrosexual buddies (who are hiding nearby)intend to jump him and beat the living shit out of him, like in 'Boogie Nights'?

A. Wow, you, uh, really have issues, don't ya? But let's operate under the assumption that the question was posed hypothetically, and you're not looking for approval from me to commit first degree assault. No, it wouldn't be gay to carry out the plan you described above. Now go and get some serious psychological help, like right fucking now.

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Q.  Is it gay for a guy to aspire to be a proctologist, and on the flip side is it gay for a chick to aspire to be a gynocologist? You can't honestly tell me that they all had good intentions when choosing their said profession.

A.  I don't think that gender lines should be drawn in the medical profession, and there is no hint of homosexuality when picking a specialization in any particular field.  For one thing, a man becoming a proctologist looks at female asses as well as male, no?  And females may be more in tune with being a gynecologist simply because they have the same parts from the manufacturer.

In addition, think about this:  how many nice, clean asses or vaginas do you really think that doctors look at?  Porn aside, what percentage of fine specimens do you think walk into a doctor's office?  While women go to gynecologists for regular checkups whether there's a problem or not, they get more than their share of diseased, dripping, icky coochies, and the same goes for proctologists.  Do you honestly think it's a turn-on to see some guy's red, inflamed, sore-ridden ass?  Or a girl's multi-colored, pus-ridden box?  You don't get the clean ones, you get the help-it's-oozing-green ones in your office.  And if you're a male proctologist or a female gynecologist that gets off on that stuff, it's not gay, it's downright vomitous.

So, in summation, the answer is no.  Unless, of course, the proctologist advertises the both-hands-on-your-hips prostate exam, or the gynecologist is known for her vaginal taste-test to detect problems.

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Q.  Is it gay to jack off (secretly, of course) during an all-male camping trip?

A.  As long as (a) it is done to ensure the utmost in privacy and (b) you're not thinking about any of the other guys you are camping with while you're shooting putty at the moon - or any guys AT ALL for that matter - then no, it's not gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to go shoe shopping with girls even if your getting some?

A.  No, provided you:

(a) make an effort to get out of it;
(b) make an effort to "just go over to that store for a second" (usually an electronics store);
(c) have no interest in what she's picked out; and
(d) don't look at a pair of black strapbacks for yourself.

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Q.  Would it be gay to call sheets and blankets "bedding" and if so would it also be gay to call a TV a "telly?"

A.  Huh?  No.  Can someone please send me a decent question?

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Q.  Is it gay to fart in another guy's face while said other guy is asleep?

A.  No.  As a matter of fact, he deserves it for falling asleep in a place where he can be farted upon.

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Q.  White zin is well known as a blatantly gay drink. Is there an equally gay food?

A.  Quiche.  Didn't you read that book?  Actually, truth be known, I have eaten quiche.  But I checked the ingredients first.  There were dead animals in it.  Basically, salads are gay if the main course.  The exception to this rule is a salad with half a pound of cheese, dead animals, and enough fatty dressing to choke Oprah.  For example, a salad of baby greens, tomatoes, carrots, and a fat-free raspberry vinaigrette just screams "PLEASE PUT A COCK IN MY MOUTH!  NOW!"  However, add a half pound of sliced top sirloin (medium rare), garlic cheese croutons the size of Lego blocks, a generous helping of any kind of non-nonfat cheese, and replace the dressing with a good, chunky Bleu cheese, and you got yourself a very heterosexual salad.

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Q.  Is it gay to play your acoustic guitar at parties, especially after you've graduated from college?

A.  "I gave my love a chicken that had no bone..."  I still love that scene.  Seriously, though, there is no getting around the chance of a budding James Taylor using his play-by-numbers self-taught guitar lessons at the college party.  Once you've walked across the stage, if you're playing guitar at a party, you better have been asked by someone to do it.  Otherwise, it's just a pathetic fraternity-like attempt to get some girl.  And while the getting the girl isn't gay, you plucking out of tune strings while trying to sing "Sweet Caroline" out of key hoping that some tone-deaf sweetie will sit and stare longingly at you is gay.  The exception to this rule, of course, would be if the last name of the guitar player in question happens to be Van Halen, Young, Lofgren, Richards, et. al.  Plug that bitch in and let's go, dammit!

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Q.  Is it gay if you sodomize freshman football players in order to "initiate" them? Is it also gay when you go to jail as a result and become some big dirty man's buttery cornhole? Fuck you Mepham High School Football.

A.  Yes, and yes.

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Q.  Is it gay to put the newest "Is that Gay?" questions at the bottom, requiring me to scroll through every fucking one to find out if there's a new one? Wait, I know the answer. Yes.

A.  You might think you know the answer, but it's not your website, so fuck you.  If I had known that you were scroll-challenged, I would have made sure that the new questions just jumped into your lap.  I just assumed that even the biggest mental midget could just drag the little scroll thing down to the bottom of the page.  Takes about a half a second.  But JUST FOR YOU, I'll change the layout to make it easier for you.  Happy now?  You cunt.

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Q.  Is it gay to use the term "Bennifer," except for in the contetxt of making fun of people who say "Bennifer," hence making me not gay?

A.  Allow me to say this.  To concern yourself with the lives of a talentless actress whose only asset is her ass and an actor who is even less talented than her is gay.  To wake up in the morning and wonder how J. Lo and B. Aff are doing in their relationship is gay.  And to use the term "Bennifer" is really gay.  Now, if you are using the term in a mocking fashion, making fun of losers who engross themselves in the relationship between Jenny From The Block and the Art Garfunkel to Matt Damon's Paul Simon*, then you are fine.  Do it too much, though, and you're crossing into Gayville.

* If you don't understand the reference, how about the John Oates to Matt Damon's Darryl Hall?  In other words, Ben Affleck is the much-less talented one of the pair.

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Q.  Is it foreshadowing gayness when your little to play dress up and my little pony and other girly type games?

A.  Really?  I mean, really, you have to ask me that?  Find a guy who did that, then ask his boyfriend his opinion.

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Q.  Is it gay for a male to go to a club and dance?

A.  To pick up a girl?  No.  Because he loves the nightlife, he's got to boogie?  Yes.  Men should dance for one reason and one reason only.  To get laid.

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Q.  Is homosexuality like math...for instance does gay*gay = straight like -1*-1 = 1?

A.  Do you mean, if two gay guys make a buttbaby, is the buttbaby gay?  Or are two gay guys the same as a straight guy?  I'm confused.  However, let me try to cover the available options with a blanket response:  gay is gay.  No amount of redundant gayness equals heterosexuality.  If a million monkeys are locked in a room with a million dicks for a million years, they're all still gay, whether they write Hamlet or not.*  End of story.

*This is a reference to the theory that if you lock a million monkeys in a room with a million typewriters for a million years, one of them will write Hamlet.  The play.  Shakespeare.  William Shakespeare.  Oh Jesus, I don't even know why I bother.

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Q.  Why, oh god why, when flipping through the Drunk Bastard Photo Album did i see not only one flippin floppin cock but TWO?????? After seeing this i had to pop in a hardcore dirty lesbian porn to wash myself of homosexuality. Double the pleasure double the fun i agree in cases of pussy tits and ass (female of course) but double the cocks equals double the gayness in my book...does it not?

A.  I had a friend in college who had a roommate who, when drunk, would come home, strip naked, tie a bedsheet around his neck, and stand on the balcony calling himself "NakedMan, Protector Of The Neighborhood."  He'd strike a George Reeves-like pose, even waving to people as they walked by.  Nakedness, male or female, in the throes of drunkenness is not gay.  Now, if the pictures were of guys with cocks in their (mouths/asses/etc.), then you would be perfectly justified in shouting "FAGGOT!" in my general direction.  Were there two dicks in one picture?  Fuck, I drink a lot, it wasn't one of my pictures, someone sent it in, I dunno...

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Q.  What are the limits of things that you can do "to get laid" before you cross the line to just being gay. I mean, dancing in a club to get laid: definitely not gay. Smokin' some dude's cock in order to get laid: definitely gay. Ditching your drunk friends at the bar to get laid: definitely not gay. Becoming a vegetarian and bringing carrot sticks and chardonnay to a poker game because your woman tell you to: definitely gay. Where's the limit? And on what side of it does signing up for "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" fall?

A.  Your question is the reason this page exists in the first place - there's 140-plus questions as to the limits of being gay.  And some of them have to do with the end justifying the means.  As for "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy," you're only gay to sign up if you start dating one of the guys from the show after it's all over.  The guys they "make-over" are trying to get laid.  From girls.

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Q.  If you ride your bike without a bike seat, is that gay?

A.  Only if the seat post is up your ass.

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Q.  Is that Steve Bartman guy in Chicago gay for interfering in the 8th inning in Game 6 last week, or just a prick who damn well better have gotten out of the North Side? Also, if one were to track him down, would it be gay to rip his eyes out and skull-fuck him to death, or just twisted?

A.  He's a dumbass for being so enthralled with catching a foul ball that he had no idea what was going on on the field.  And skullfucking him would be gay.  And twisted.

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Q.  OK, now I'm confused. Does your answer to the earlier "Queer Eye" question mean that as long as you're doing something to get laid by a chick, whatever that something is isn't gay?

A.  No, not at all.  Blowing another guy because some girl says that gets her off and she'll fuck you if you do it, it's still gay.  However, keeping the answer confined to the "Queer Eye" question, being a candidate on the show isn't gay.

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Q.  If I watch HBO's Sex and the City, is that gay? I know it's a chick flick, but i watch it mainly coz catrall is hot, and there are hot scenes.

A.  No, it's not gay to watch "Sex and the City," provided you don't start actually believing any of the feminist propaganda they spew about what assholes men are.  We're assholes, we just don't need it brought to our attention.  And yes, Kim Cattrall is hot.  I'd drink her bathwater.

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Q.  Are you calling Gunnery Sargent Hartman a Peter-puffer? He told Private Pyle that he would gouge out his eyes and skullfuck him, but Gunnery Sargent Hartman is about the least gay guy I've ever seen.

A.  Fuck no.  Any threat of skullfucking done in basic training is within the rights of being not gay.  However, if push came to shove, I seriously doubt there would have been a scene with R. Lee Ermey pickle-tickling the eye sockets of Vincent D'Onofrio.  Can we get off the skullfucking thing already?  My eyes are starting to cringe.

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Q.  Is it gay that my dick goes from a massive nuclear moisture seeking missile one second, but then when confronted with nassssssssty pussy becomes a frightened little turtle? Its perfectly fine with nice, inviting pussy.

A.  No.  But could you please define "nassssssssty pussy"?  Are we talking hot-girl nasty pussy, kinda rode-hard-and-put-away-wet-girl nasty pussy, or looks-like-what-I-found-under-the-Brooklyn-Piers-once-in-a-pile-of-seaweed nasty pussy?  If it's the hot-girl nasty, then I suggest you get a little dirty.  There's nothing better than a girl who just wants you to piledrive her to the point that you, her, and the bed end up on the other side of the room and the landlord is sliding an eviction notice under your door.  The rode-hard kind, well, that one can always be cured by one thing:  alcohol.  There's enough booze to drink seventy percent of the world's women pretty.  The diseased mussel one, well, no one would blame you for that.  I would actually question your sexual standards if you did ANYTHING with a girl whose box looked like the crime scene photos of the OJ murders.

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Q.  Is it gay when a guy screams out in excruciating pain when a girl is riding his dick really hard and it pops out and hits her pelvis bone, thus causing the erect penis to bend at a 90 degree angle??

A.  No, that's not gay, and furthermore, that maneuver would invite putting it in her ass once the ol' pickle heals up.  I've never had a broken cock, but I've heard stories.  I'm crossing my legs just thinking about it.  Fuck, dude, why'd you have to ask that?

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Q.  Is it gay to like shopping in general (if you're a guy)?

A.  No.  It is perfectly acceptable for a male to shop for things such as electronics, power tools, sports cars, and prostitutes in Amsterdam's Red Light District.  Shopping for any article of clothing should take no more than fifteen minutes.  You should know exactly what you want when you walk in.  Go to the Gap for three hours on a whim, you're gay, especially if you spend that much time and only buy a sweater.

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Q.  Is it that i want to have anal sex with a chick and punch her in the stomach? It comes from an epsode of OZ where a guy is fuckin another guy and he punches him in the stomach. So i got the idea from a male on male encounter.

A.  If you're doing it to a girl, it's fine.  Well, as far as inflicting what would most likely be a severe amount of pain on a person who's, in all likelihood, doing you a favor just by being in the rack with you in the first place.  Is this a new version of the donkey punch that I'm unaware of?

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Q.  It is gay, but how gay is it to drive a Miata 10 miles under the speed limit while singing along to Duran Duran tunes? And no, I'm not saying you're gay for driving a Miata.

A.  Thank you for pointing out that you're not saying I'm gay for driving the fuckin' car.  Now, on to the matter at hand.  Driving any car 10 miles under the speed limit while singing along to Duran Duran is gay.  Driving ten miles over the speed limit and singing Duran Duran is gay.  Walking down the street singing Duran Duran tunes, regardless of mode of dress, is gay.  Standing in an elevator in a biker outfit singing Duran Duran is gay.  Humming Duran Duran is gay, whether out loud or to yourself.  Are you seeing where I'm running with this?  Now, on a different tangent, driving a Miata ten miles under the speed limit and singing along to "Born To Lose" by Social D, not gay, but dude, hit the fuckin' gas.  People have places to go.

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Q.  I realize that it is gay to want to hate-fuck a guy, but what if you HIRE another guy to hate-fuck a guy? Like if you get big ole bubba two cells down to anally devastate your cellmate for a couple cartons of Marlboros? And no I don't want to watch.

A.  It's not gay to pay to have a man hate-fucked by another guy.  That's perfectly legal.  Unless, and this goes without saying, you're paying the guy with sexual favors.

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Q.  Are bubble baths gay? And if they are, what if you get a little toy boat and play with it during the bath.. Still gay?

A.  Not necessarily.  If you're taking a bubble bath with, say, a nubile young female (or two, or three), then bubble baths are fine.  While I don't consider bubble baths for men gay per se, I wouldn't go around bragging about how soothing the bubble bath was you took last night.  More childish than gay, really.  More so when you introduce the little toy boat.  And if you have a rubber duckie.  And if you make the rubber duckie go down on you... you're fucked.

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Q.  Is it gay if you are aroused when watching the guys from Kids In The Hall get dressed as women?

A.  ...you... you're serious?  You're seriously asking this?

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Q.  Is it gay to let your co-workers hear you say, "I love you Mom", or "I love you Dad" when talking to them on the phone? And I mean talking with your real mom and dad.

A.  No.  Perhaps a little.  I usually wait for them to tell me they love me, then I say, "Love you too."  This is a more masculine way of saying "I love you" to a parent.  Of course, when on the phone with a girlfriend, the only masculine way to respond to "I love you" is to say, "Uh huh."

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Q.  I watch "Will and Grace". Is that gay?

A.  No, I've watched it too.  I'd hump Debra Messing in a heartbeat.  It's gay, however, if you get offended by any of the homosexual stereotypes you interpret from the show.

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Q.  My buddy and I went to a Adult Film Star convention, when i saw the legendary porn star Ron Jeremy nearby. I told my buddy, "dude, i want a picture of me and Ron taken!!" Is that gay?

A.  A picture with The Hedgehog?  Hell no.  Here's a guy who'd have to pay a premium for a hooker in order to get laid in any other universe, but he's nailed some of the hottest pieces of ass in the porn business simply because of his... um... prowess.  I'd want a picture just so I could stand next to him and maybe some of his God-given luck would rub off on me.

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Q.  Is it gay to want The Hedgehog to rub off on you?

A.  I didn't mean it as physically rubbing on you.  But if an ugly fuck like that can get that much ass, he's gotta have some kind of mojo going.  Oh, give it a rest already.

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Q.  Is it gay if you cry over a sporting event, for example: If the New York Rangers lost/won a stanley cup i would cry.

A.  No, provided that you break something (a picture, a window, my ex-wife's skull) in conjunction.  Open wailing like a little bitch with a skinned knee is gay, though.  Crying must be limited to sobbing.  Muttering "motherfuckers" over and over again is a plus.

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Q.  Is it gay if you listen to techno, and like it?

A.  Not necessarily.  If you're on E all the time.  I personally don't like techno, but it's not gay to like listening to it.

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Q.  Is it gay to use a penis pump so that you can suck your own dick?

A.  Allow me to refer to one of the first questions:

Q. Is it gay to suck your own dick? What if you don't cum in your mouth?

A. And again, a good question. Would blowing yourself be any more gay than masturbation? I am going to go out on a limb here and so no, it's not gay. However, if you cum in your mouth, then you're queer. Especially if you swallow. And I don't want to hear, "But I just wanted to know how it tasted." Fag.

I think using a penis pump, though, would be pushing the envelope, though.  I'd say you're gay if you do it.  So, uh, put the penis pump away, dude.

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Q.  A friend of mine is a natural at talking with very hot chicks, but stubbornly refuses to ask for their numbers. Is he gay?

A.  That depends on his reason for not asking.  If he's like me, he doesn't ask because he just assumes that he's going to get shot down, or given some lame excuse for her not wanting to give it, like "I have a boyfriend," or "I just got out of a bad relationship," or "I contracted Ebola and only have 12 hours to live."  Not gay.  If he has a girlfriend, then perhaps he's loyal to her.  Not gay.  But, if his reason is that he's "just not interested," then he's gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to pee on stuff in front of other guys? You know, like cars, buildings, passed out people...

A.  No, urinating in the presence / view of other males is not gay, regardless of what it is you are urinating on / off of / into.  Unless one of the other guys is holding it for you.  Then... guess what?

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Q.  Let's say you have a friend who gets naked at a certain point in drunkenness and passes out. You and some other friends decide to defile his body and subsequently dump him in a field. Where is the line drawn between gay and not gay in defilement?

A.  Stay four inches away from his genitals and his asshole.  Cross the DMZ, you're gay.  Generally speaking, you should only be defiling parts of his person that would not require removing his underwear.  Unless he wears bikini briefs, then the four inch rule holds.

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Q.  If I buy and drive a toyota prius (hybrid) would that make me gay. What if I still keep my 71 chevy?

A.  If the Prius is used solely for work commute, then you're not gay.  If you use the Prius to go out, you are crossing the line.  Use the Chevy for pleasure drives.

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Q.  Is it gay (if you're a guy) if you had a dream (while sleeping) about fucking your brother? Even if wake up and vomit 5 or 6 times afterwards?

A.  Dreams are a very iffy area.  If I dream that I cut up my ex-wife with a chainsaw, does that make me a murderer?  No.  Dreams are never meant to be taken literal.  What the fuck they're SUPPOSED to be taken as, I have no idea.  I honestly don't think it belies a subconscious desire to squathump your brother.  So I'm going to give you the all clear on this one.

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Q.  Is it gay for a guy to drink a malt beverage? In my opinion real men drink beer.

A.  Well, Colt 45 is a malt beverage, and Billy Dee Williams made ads for COlt 45, and Billy Dee Williams played Lando Calrissian and flew the motherfuckin' Millennium Falcon and blew up the second Death Star - you callin' Lando Motherfuckin' Calrissian a fag?  No, a malt beverage doesn't make you gay.  Ghetto, maybe, but not gay.

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Q.  Is it gay if you are married and your wife works and you stay at home with the kids and do all the cleaning and cooking?

A.  If you're wearing an apron slaving away over a hot stove, on your hands and knees getting the dustbunnies out from under the fridge... no, I don't think that alone sends you into Gayville, but you're definitely on the road.  But... if you're in the situation where the little wifey makes enough to support the house and you get to sit home all day long, you're doing something right.  Maybe consider hiring a maid, preferably a little latino number with a tight ass that you can stick the pickle tickle to while the wife is out at work and...

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Q.  Is Jamie Reynolds gay?

A.  Yes.  Jamie Reynolds is gay.  Very gay.  He's so gay that he makes Carson from "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" look like Brian Urlacher.

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Q.  Is it gay to buy condoms for another guy (as a joke)?

A.  No.  But what's the joke?  Poke holes with a needle in them?  "Hey, she got pregnant?  We poked holes in those rubbers!  Good joke, huh?"

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Q.  Is it gay to give your penis a nickname?

A.  Depends on the nickname.  "Big Jim," "The Hammer," or "The Punisher," not gay.  "The Brown Trout Fishing Pole," "Little Red Eyeball-Poker," or "The Adam's Apple Tickler," gay.

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Q.  Is it gay for three guys to sit around on a Saturday night drinking a few beer, while watching Legally Blond on Women's Network? And then flipping to America's Top Model on Life Network between commercials?

A.  I don't know what "America's Top Model" is about, I assume female models.  Under said assumption, they shouldn't be in the house on a Saturday night watching TV, I don't care how hot they think Reese Witherspoon is.  And if they're watching either show looking for fashion tips, then the answer is an unequivocal YES.

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Q.  Is it gay to sleep in a bed with little boys, to keep warm of course.

A.  Forget everything after the comma, Michael Jackson, YES, it's gay to sleep in a bed with little boys.  The only exception to this is (a) they're your sons and (b) everyone's wearing pajamas.  And preferably (c) there's a reason why they want to be in the bed with you (ie. huge thunderstorm, monster under the bed, Michael Jackson's in their room).  And you better have a real good excuse, or a real good lawyer, if they're over age five.

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Q.  I heard a story of college students giving themselves "Wine enemas" quite some time ago. (Only because it gets you a hell of a lot drunker a hell of a lot faster (and you dant have to feel the rot gut wine going down your gullet...) Is that gay?

A.  Yes, I'm afraid so.  Shoving things up your ass for any reason other than medical (and the most dire of emergencies at that) is gay.  If you want to get drunk and don't like the taste of wine, there's this stuff that they make now called BEER.  And DISTILLED SPIRITS.  There are some stores that carry them.  Give them a try.  And keep the booze out of your rectum.

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Q.  Is it gay to bragg about one's ability to piss more than four feet?

A.  Nope.  Gay if you whip it out and ask another guy to hold it while you try, though.

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Q.  I had to read a book for a linguistic anthropology class in college about "gay speech," and I read in this book that vodka tonics are gay drinks. Hence, I don't order them at bars. What are the other gay drinks that I should be aware of? By the way, the book is called "Word's Out: Gay Men's English," by William Leap, 1996, University of Minnesota Press. It's hysterical.

A.  I've never heard of vodka tonics referred to as gay.  What gay drinks are there?  White zinfandel.  Wine spritzers.  Flavored frozen margaritas (strawberry, mango, etc.).  While we're at it, frozen margaritas period.  Piña coladas.  Anything made with liquor less than 70 proof (Midori, Kahlua, Bailey's).

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Q.  Is it gay, per se, to have a slightly unhealthy obsession with New Wave music from the 80s?

A.  No.  Define "unhealthy."  Unhealthy as in dress like the singer from The Cure and not go into the sun for so long that your skin looks like Gandalf's cloak in "Lord Of The Rings:  The Two Towers"?  Sitting in a room contemplating death for hours on end?  No matter, it's not gay.

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Q.  is it gay to masterbate when reading these "is it gay" questions?

A.  ...why am I even answering this?

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Q.  Is it gay to have a poster of a boy band? What if it's on a dartboard/target?

A.  As long as the poster is being used as a target of ridicule or defilement, ie. a dartboard, it's not gay.

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Q.  Are you gay if you are a New York Islanders fan? Because their "fans" are a bunch of pussy front-runners that don't know hockey.

A.  The Islanders have fans?

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Q.  Even if pina coladas and frozen mageritas etc etc are gay, does that mean that by drinking one you become gay? Or do you have to drink them regularly to be gay?

A.  One?  No.  I'd say... five.

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Q.  Is it gay to say the following to another guy in a gang shower: "Gee, you've got some nice smelling stuff there!" I just hope he was talking about shampoo.

A.  Shampoo or your junk, either one is gay.

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Q.  What if you're on a tropical island drinking frozen margaritas and/or pina coladas? May I presume that it's not gay under that condition?

A.  OK, fine, you get to have ONE.  Your first drink upon arriving.  Just to complete the tropical scenario.  Then start drinking real shit, OK?  Happy now?

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Q.  If you're a New York City cop, and you sodomize someone with a plunger if they don't cooperate with you, are you gay?

A.  Yes, a male sodomizing another male with anything (see the question about Mepham High School above) is gay.  And if you're a, NYPD Traffic asshole fuckhead cop you're gay no matter what, especially if you're the douchebag who gave me a ticket for double parking this morning when I had to take my dog in for surgery, $115, fuck you you fucking cunt...

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Q.  Is it gay to get naked--that is, no towel--in the sauna?

A.  No, provided that you don't (a) look at any other guys, and (b) don't talk about any body parts of the other guys.

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Q.  Are you gay if you have a job that sometimes requires giving cavity checks?

A.  Not as long as you don't look forward to going to work every day.

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Q.  Is it gay for a man to sit with his legs crossed? I don't mean ankle on knee or even calf atop knee. I mean CROSSED with foot dangling.

A.  Looks gay, is gay.

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Q.  Is it gay for a guy to grow vegetables for the purpose of eating them?

A.  You mean, is it gay to be a farmer?  No.

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Q.  Is it gay if you think Arnold in "pumping iron" is rather sexy?
Q.  Is it gay if you own "pumping iron"?

A.  Only if you're a guy on both questions.

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Q.  Is it gay to carve a cucumber in the shape of a penis, and suck it, just to know what it would be like?

A.  Why don't you just shove it right up your ass while your at it and experience THAT?  In other words, yes.

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Q.  Is it gay to lock your keys out of your vehicle after a night of decent drinking ($1 bottles of beer).. ?

A.  Lock your keys OUT of your vehicle?  If you meant lock them IN the car, then no, it's just dumb.  If you reaaly meant locking them OUT as not like locking them IN, then I have no idea what you're talking about.

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Q.  Is it gay to work in gay porn, in order to work in straight porn?

A.  Yes.  The end does not justify the means in this case.

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Q.  Is it gay to get turned on by some one oiled up by a nice oilly Thanksgiving meal?

A.  ...huh?  I think the wording of the question is gay...

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Q.  Is speech class gay? I ask because they try to drill that empathy shit into your thought processes every damn day.

A.  Um, I don't think so.

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Q.  Is it gay to drive a Mitsubishi convertable?

A.  No, unless it's pink and you're blasting Madonna or NSYNC out of the radio.

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Q.  Is it gay if you can see how women think that Sean Connery, back in his Bond days, is sexy?

A.  Empirically speaking, no.  If you think how, if you lived in the '60s, YOU might have been turned on by him, then yes.

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Q.  Compared to Canadian beer, American beer is like lite beer. Does that make American beer gay?

A.  Not necessarily, but don't forget, American beer is not solely limited to Budweiser, Miller, and Coors.  There are some microbreweries that will knock the peckers off most Canadians.

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Q.  Is it gay if I use my feet when I jerk it off?

A.  Only if you've had feet transplants.

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Q.  Is it gay to have a teacher thats gay for english and think that he is a cool teacher?

A.  No, gay people can be cool.  If his being cool makes you want to sleep with him, then that's gay.

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Q.  Is it gay for a guy to work in a tanning salon?

A.  Only if it's to meet well-oiled men.  Female hotties go to tanning salons.  Female hotties, if the letters in Penthouse are true, also sleep with guys that work in tanning salons.  Even if it is just for free tanning.

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Q.  Is it gay if you meet a girl with a protruding nine-inch clit and suck her off?

A.  NINE INCHES?!?!  Good God, man!  That being said, it is not gay to perform oral stimulation on a larger-than-average clitoris.  But if she asks you to play with her balls while you do it, watch out.

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Q.  Is it gay to drink bourbon with lemonade?

A.  Most hardcore bourbon drinkers would frown on mixing their liquor with lemonade.  Very wimpy.  That being said, is a Lynchburg Lemonade gay?  Yes, unless it's (a) a shot you are ordering for a group and (b) there are girls in the group.  And (c) you're trying to nail one of them - optional, but preferred.

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Q.  is it gay to wear a pink shirt and be proud of it, even if it tends to help in the pick up of a lot of women?

A.  "If it gets you play, then it's OK."  I like the ring of that.  So catchy.  Maybe a t-shirt.  Oh well, I digress.  If it is done with getting pussy as the end to the means, it's fine.  Actual physical contact with another male is about the only thing I can think of (right now at 2 a.m.) that would not be OK under ANY circumstances.

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Q.  Is it gay if you squeak when you laugh?

A.  Not necessarily in and of itself, but in conjunction with other things, yes.

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Q.  Is it gay to eat quiche?

A.  What was that book, Real Men Don't Eat Quiche?  I know I have it somewhere, someone gave it to me for my birthday years ago telling me, "If there's someone who could have written this, it's you."  Where is that fucker...

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Q.  Kiss someone of the same sex?

A.  Not always.  For women, it is commonplace for female friends to kiss on the cheek when meeting after a prolonged absence from each other.  When girls kiss on the lips and/or open-mouthed, it is called "porn."  When guys kiss ANYWHERE it is gay unless one of the following stipulations applies:

• It's the Pope and you are kissing his ring;

• He's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease;

• You are performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on another male, provided that at least once you stop and yell loudly, "I am doing this only to aid cardiopulmonary resuscitation on this man and in no way am I getting aroused!";

• He is your brother and you tell him, "You broke my heart, Fredo, you broke my heart!"  Then you tell him that, purely for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

(This answer appears in the archives, I just reprinted it.  Sue me.  I can't plagiarize myself.  John Fogerty proved that in court.)

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Q.  Per our conversations: if a man wakes up one morning with a vagina and wonders what it's like to have sex, would he have to have a male friend bang him ("is that gay?") or could he effectively use a dildo, once again raising the inevitable question?

A.  In the event, however unlikely it may be, that a man woke up one morning with a vagina, he could use a dildo and not be gay.  He could straddle the bath faucet and turn it on full blast and not be gay.  He could throw a pillow into the washer, causing it to shake and rumble and bounce out of balance, and ride it naked, and not be gay.  He could fingerbang himself until he wore off his fingerprints and not be gay.  But stick a penis in there, GAYGAYGAYGAYGAY.  Okie dokie?

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Q.  Is it gay to tuck it back? You know what I'm talking about.

A.  I remember one time I took off all my clothes, tucked it back, and did the Demi Moore pose with my gut stuck out as far as it would go, just to make my (then) girlfriend laugh.  Tucking it back and standing in front of a full-length mirror to see what you'd look like as a woman?  Goofy, not necessarily gay.  The first time.  After that, the gay factor increases.  Doing it to fit into a miniskirt to go barhopping in Chelsea?  Gay.

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Q.  Y'know that song by the Crash Test Dummies called "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm?" Is that song gay?

A.  No.  Dumb, maybe, but not gay.

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Q.  i slept with my friends sister

A.  What, you braggin'?  No, that's not gay!  Rock on!  Oh, wait, was his sister once his brother?

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Q.  From time to time I get hard for no reason at all, like my schlong has a mind of its own. Gay?

A.  Only if "time to time" is always in the close company of other men.  Otherwise no, just a normal thing.

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Q.  Lets say that one night you had a few too many to drink, and you end up flirting and making moves on guys, and the next morning someone tells you about what happened and you dont remember any of it. Does that make you gay?

A.  ...anyone wanna help him out here?  Yes son, the "If you don't remember it, it didn't happen" only applies to what you do with girls.  If it's with guys, you have no escape clause.  And you're gay.

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Q.  my favourite kind of porno is watching a guy get a blowjob... is that gay or do i just like blowjobs too much (i got a divorce because my wife had dental problems and had to have her jawa wired shut)

A.  You can't like blowjobs TOO MUCH.  However, I will assume you meant she had her "jaws" wired shut and not her mumbling little droid-trader from Star Wars.  Who's giving the blowjob in said porno?  Girl = OK.  Guy = gay.  Oh wait, yeah, it is possible to like blowjobs TOO MUCH - if you get them from GUYS, that's liking them TOO MUCH.

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Q.  Are those fish that can change genders if they have to gay?

A.  Please direct all questions regarding gay fish to www.fishfag.com or www.whyamiwastingkennystimewiththis.com  Thank you.  Actually, I wouldn't mind being able to change genders.  I could become female, go to a bar and have guys buy me drinks all night, walk into the shitter, come back out a guy, pick up some girl, and head home for a little humpy-pumpy.  Was that funny enough?

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Q.  If you get drunk off queer beers, does that in turn make you a queer?

A.  Queer beers?  You mean like cherry-flavored beer or Zima or something like that?  If to drink them is gay, then to get drunk on them is doubly gay.

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Q.  If while I'm with my girlfriend, her gay (male) friend comes over, and she gives him permission to suck me off. I comply, and while he's doing this, I realize I don't like it, and "accidently" kick him in the head; am I gay for complying in the first place?

A.  Oh yeah.  I don't give a shit if it was her idea, if she said him blowing you would strengthen your relationship, if a man applies his mouth to your member (the only exception, of course, being that you thought it was a girl at the time), you're gay.  I don't care how hard you kicked him.

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Q.  Is it gay to go to a drag show with a girl and her gay friends to try and get some with her?

A.  No, attending a drag show in order to get pussy is fine.  I mean, I wouldn't brag that you went to a drag show, but you're OK.

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Q.  I am a girl and I like to watch the girl on girl part of a porno over any other part

A.  Totally fine.  Perfect.  As a matter of fact, what are you doin' later?  Wanna come over?  Watch some TV?

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Q.  If your having sex with your boyfriend (I am a girl) and you imagine that he is a woman is that gay?

A.  I don't know.  From my perspective (perpetually horny heterosexual male) it's fine.  However, I don't know how I would feel - as a guy - if my girlfriend was imagining me being a woman.  What, my dick that small?

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Q.  A few questions back, someone submitted: "Is it gay for a guy to grow vegetables for the purpose of eating them?"  What the hell is this guy talking about? Wouldn't the question have been better phrased as, "Is it gay for a guy to grow vegetables for purposes other than eating them?"  What does this guy think? That it's not okay to grow vegetables and then eat them but it IS okay to grow vegetables and then stick them up his ass?

A.  I, uh, I dunno.  I wish I knew, dude, honest.  I just field the questions as they're asked.  And, no, it's not OK to shove vegetables up your ass.

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Q.  If someone told you he boned a gingerbread man, would that person be gay (he says it's a process done in graphic design, something about skeletal structures and shit)?

A.  A gingerbread man?  Like, a cookie?  "Boned" and "man" in the same sentence sounds gay to me, but... do me a favor, dude, find out what the fuck he's talking about.  Boned a gingerbread man... what the fuck...

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Q.  Is it gay if, each time I leave my Mary Kay Bath Spa Collection products in the shower, my husband uses them? They are clearly marketed for women, using pastel colors, etc. Yet each time I leave one in there, I find when I shower again, it's severly depleted. A man who smells good is great, but does it need to be the scent of "flowers and fruits"? Tell me, Kenny, should I divorce him now and find myself a lumber jack?

A.  Well, this question hinges on one thing:  Is there any other soap in the shower?  If he's passing on the Lever 2000 or the Irish Spring for the Passion Fruit Body Wash, then you, my dear, have some problems.  The only reason a guy should smell like fruit is either:

(a)  he just got done with a sex marathon where him and his girlfriend rub food on each other's bodies and then lick it off;
(b)  he works in an orchard;
(c)  he fucked a watermelon.

Barring any of those scenarios, no man should smell like anything other than... a man.  Manly smells, manly soaps.  Personally, I would recommend not divorcing him, but having an affair with a man who uses such soaps and has the aromatic qualities of a man.  I'm waiting for your call.

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Q.  Are you gay if you look at guy midgets naked, just to see what theyre packin?

A.  Midgets and naked midgets fall into the category of oddities.  Humans are intrigued by things we find odd or bizarre:  a two-headed snake, fatal car crashes, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (together, not individually).  That being said, you are allowed to "see what they're packin'" as long as you don't look for more than 1.73 seconds.  Any longer and you're knockin' on the door of Homoville.

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Q.  Is it gay to be from New York and root for both the Yankees and the Mets, saying things like "I don't care, just as long as one wins"?

A.  Not as gay as it is to root for only the Mets.

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Q.  Lets say that you get arrested and go to prison. Is it gay to beat and brutally fuck the toughest guy in the jail, to gain respect and to be feared by the other inmates?

A.  Can't you just sodomize him with a broomstick?  I'm sticking with the notion that it's gay to fuck another guy regardless of the circumstances.

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Q.  Is it gay if you swallow your sperm when you masturbate, just so that you dont have to clean it up afterwards?

A.  Survey says "Kleenex."  Yes, it's gay.

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Q.  Is it gay if you live in the Bronx yet for some ungodly reason root for the Red Sox? And, if so, is it as gay as rooting for the Mets?

A.  Not only is it gay, but I'm pretty sure it's against the law.  I'll have to check on that.

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Q.  Is it gay to fuck a guy if your life depended on it?

A.  If your life depended on it?  Like, he held a gun to your head and said, "Fuck me in the ass or I'll blow your brains out?"  And are you doing the fucking, or is he fucking you in the ass?  If you're doing the fucking, then you can run, dummy - how fast can he chase you with his pants around his ankles?  And if you're the one getting ramrodded, that would constitute rape, and is outside the scope of being gay.

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Q.  Is the DH rule gay? Since you're an out of the closet Yankee fan, perhaps I should rephrase that question . . . How can you possibly justify that the DH rule isn't gay, and that all AL teams and their fans aren't also gay, by association? And before you give your stock answer of "Who wants to see pitchers hit?" consider for a moment that Brad Penny drove in the go ahead run and an insurance run in game 5 of the World Series.

A.  The argument can be made either way - the purist baseball fan would say, "Pitchers should hit," while the supporters would say, "Who wants to see THAT?"  Of course, if you are a PURIST, you don't want to see three rounds of playoffs and teams playing in football stadiums.  But I digress.  Yeah, Brad Penny hit a single in Game 5.  Brad Penny's career average is .143, which means he gets a hit every seven official times he comes to the plate.  How exciting.  No, the DH rule isn't "gay."

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Q.  Well what if a group of guys kidnapped you and locked you in a basement with them, and they all had guns, and there was no escape....unless you had sex with one of them. Is that gay ,since you cant run away, and youll die if you dont?

A.  Is this a line of questioning or a fantasy?  I think you're getting a little too detailed with this "question," dude.  Anyway, if you're the victim it's not gay, because it constitutes rape.  If you're one of the guys with guns, you're a fag.

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Q.  Is my tendancy to be attracted to exceptionally strong, smart or argressive girls (who may or may not cross the traditional lines of masqulinity to the status of macho) gay? Also, 'irlz (group of girls who crossdress in regular life that I know very well)...are my developing relations with them, in nature gay? Final question, of every male (male) friend I've known there is one guy that I've known since preschool and (shit i'm droolingm * really)...

A.  OK, OK, wipe off your mouth.  exceptionally strong, smart, or aggressive girls - not gay.  Victoria Pratt (see pictures HERE) would probably kick most guys asses, and I don't see how getting a boner for her is gay.  Onto subquestion two...  crossdressing how, that they wear clothes that could be mens' clothing ie. business suits?  Or that they glue on moustaches and beards and stuff Kleenex down their pants?  The former, not gay.  The latter, eh, you're pushin' it.  OK, now onto unfinished subquestion three.  Your preschool friend.  The MALE.  Yeah, that's gay gay gay.  I hope I cleared that up for you.

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Q.  i like to shave my dick and balls. is that gay

A.  No.  I believe it was Dr. Evil who said, "There;s nothing quite like the feeling of a freshly shorn scrotum.  It's quite exhilarating, you should try it."  Of course, there's all that itching and scratching if you don't keep up on it.  But I digress.  No, but, uh, why are you shaving your DICK?  I don't know 'bout th' rest o' y'all, but my dick doesn't have hair on it.  Balls, yes; grass around the tree, yup.  But the dick?

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Q.  Is gay like being a truck driver, in that you're not actually a truck driver unless you actually drive a truck, no matter how much you think about how nice it would be to drive a truck? I mean, is thinking about wanting to be plowed by a guy gay, or are you not ACTUALLY gay until the man-train pulls into Brownsville station?

A.  Well, on the flip side, would you be not straight if you didn't actually have sex with a girl, but just thought about it?  If the desire's there, that's the end of the conversation.  So no, it's not like being a truck driver.  Kinda like the thinking about it the same as doing it philosophy.  Which means I've had sex with thousands and thousands of women.  But I digress.

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Q.  If you're taking a leak in a urinal, and you notice that the guy next to you is checking out your package, is it gay to just stand there and let him admire what he can't have?

A.  Yeah, if you're letting a guy look at your deal, it's gay.

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Q.  iS it gay if your hubby masterbaites more than having sex with you?And is it gay of him to look at shemales?

A.  If you're as lousy in bed (or as violent) as my ex-wife, then I don't blame him for doing the knuckle shuffle on the piss-pump.  However, the she-males thing... gay.

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Q.  I have been developing a growing fondness for Broadway Show tunes. Is that gay? I always make sure that I listen to them in my underwear, while drinking a Budweiser and eating pork rinds - does that make a difference? (Granted - thay are pink ladies underpants) Help! Tommy Tune Fan

A.  While I have to admit I know a good percentage of the songs from "West Side Story" (Dear kindly judge your honor / My parents treat me rough / With all their marijuana / They won't give me a puff) I think one must draw the line at (a) playing them at volume levels audible outside the domicile; and (b) singing them while walking down the street.  If it's anything written or performed in any way by Barbra Streisand, there is no line - it's gay.  And dude, doing ANYTHING while wearing pink women's undies is gay.

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Q.  Is the GM for the LA Dodgers gay or just plain dumb (either would explain his lack of sports knowledge)? Kevin Brown for Weaver? What the fuck?

A.  I think it's a great move.  Then again, I'm a Yankee fan.  Everyone seems to forget that (a) Weaver was a very good pitcher with the Tigers, and (b) a lot of good players have turned to shit after donning pinstripes.  Maybe he'll pitch better out of the glare of the NY media and Yankee fans who only want you to not be a piece of shit.  No, not gay.  Dumb - maybe.

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Q.  What if you are kidnapped and gang raped and while you are being fuked up the ass and choking on a cock, suddenly the fear goes away and you get an erection, and then think this is not all that bad after all. If you never have sex with a man again but think back fondly on the time you were raped, Is that Gay?

A.  Oh good God, man.  Yes, if you get aroused thinking of the time you were gangraped by men, it's gay.  Can we now please put an end to the male ganrape questions, please?  Pretty please?

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Q.  is it gay if your hubby likes a rim job but dosent like being fingered

A.  A similar question was posed in the past.  While I'm not a huge fan of receiving a rim job, having a girl lick your (a man's) asshole isn't gay.  However, not wanting anything inserted into said asshole is not gay, either.  And as for the previous question posed, allow me to repeat:  any finger past the first knuckle (second knuckle on the pinky) is gay.  And foreign object, no matter how far, is gay.

STATEMENT FROM A LOYAL READER:

this isn't really a question. more of a public service announcement. you can post this message or not. it's up to you.

i've always had a policy of "one way only" regarding my asshole. shit goes out, nothing goes in. but last night this girl slid her finger in while she was giving me a hand job. i honestly don't know how far, but probably not past the first knuckle. i wasn't looking. i really don't know.

anyway, rather than protest, i went with the flow. and i came in about 6 seconds. to be quite honest, it was amazing. easily the best hand job of my life.

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Q.  If you get a blow job from a tranny, but didn't know it was a man in drag, does that make you gay?

A.  Allow me to repost from a previous question...

Q.  Is it gay if another guy blows me?

A.  Yes, unless at the time you were under the belief that the person fellating you was female (i.e. you were at Mardi Gras).  If you believed that you were getting a knob-polish from a girl and only after the ejaculation you learned that "she" was in fact a he, you are excused from being gay.  However, it is a good idea to (a) wash your genitals as soon as possible, and (b) nail some girl in order to get that skeevy feeling out of your system.  Let's not get into the fact that you should have noticed "her" Adam's apple, you fucking moron.

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Q.  If you get drunk and meet a tranny but honestly think she is a girl. Then you end up going down her, but you honestly believe that she was female and just had a larger then average clit. Is that gay?

A.  Yeah, because you should have noticed his LARGER-THAN-AVERAGE BALLS, YOU DUMB FUCK.

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Q.  Is it gay if a friend tries to milk another rather fatter friends bitch tits?

A.  No.  Provided he does it hard enough to inflict pain, and it lasts less than seven seconds.  And there have to be other people around, because if you do it alone, you're a fag.  As a matter of fact, it might be gay anyway.  I'm not sure.  Is it barechested or clothed?

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Q.  Is veganism gay? If not, what aspects aren't gay?

A.  While I don't approve of the denial of the food chain, I don't think it's gay to be a vegan.  However, I do think it's gay if you act like a big hairy cunt and scream at someone eating meat.  At that point you can go fuck yourself, faggot.

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Q.  Is it gay if a guy likes anal sex more than pussy?

A.  I'm assuming you mean he's pitching, not catching...  Not necessarily, but if he makes the girl wear a strapon so he can pretend like he's jerking her off while he's doing it, that's gay.

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Q.  I like the Dixie Chicks. My girlfriend thinks im gay. Is that gay?

A.  Sorry dude, the girlfriend's right.  Looking at them is OK.  Listening is gay.

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Q.  Is it gay if you make a dildo out of a plaster of paris mould of your own cock and then fuck yourself with it?

A.  Ya think?  Just MAYBE????

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Q.  Is it gay if while you are wanking off you put a mirror under your ass so you can see your hole while you are stroking?

A.  ...you sick fuck.

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Q.  Is it gay to check your website everyday and worry that you haven't even so much as posted new "Is That Gay" questions?

A.  Not necessarily.  However, it might be gay if you send me the same exact question again 71 minutes later...

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Q.  If you want to save some money and choose to pretend to be gay so you can find a guy with the same body time as yours to "borrow" clothes, then ditch before he'll pitch, is that gay?

A.  Go buy your own fucking clothes.  GIRLS borrow clothes from other girls.  STRAIGHT GUYS don't borrow clothes from other guys.  The only article of clothing I've ever borrowed from another guy was (a) a belt and (b) a shirt, because I didn't have one that fit at the time (the shirt is a long story).

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Q.  If one takes yoga for years only to be able to contort themselves into a position to suck their own cock. Is that gay?

A.  Again... from The Archives:

A.  And again, a good question.  Would blowing yourself be any more gay than masturbation?  I am going to go out on a limb here and so no, it's not gay.  However, if you cum in your mouth, then you're queer.  Especially if you swallow.  And I don't want to hear, "But I just wanted to know how it tasted."  Fag.

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Q.  Is it gay to refuse sex from a girl, who's damn hott (redhead, thin but with a wicked ass and great rack) but she has an obnoxious personality and drives you crazy. I know I can gag her using creative meathods (dick, tape, fruit so I can snack every now and then) but I'll still hear her voice in my head. (She's like Fran from The Nanny meets Joe Peschi).

A.  I've had sex with my share of less-than-stellar personalities, and one girl who a voice with a pitch like Minnie Mouse.  Luckily, my dick is deaf.  Fuck her.

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Q.  is being curious about how shemales look in websites so later u can identify them easily and avoid them; is it gay?

A.  No, it is actually not a bad idea.  Even though I can't tell with a few of them.  Them doctors are good.  Or evil.  Depending how you look at it.

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Q.  durran durran were big when i was about 16/17 I hear Rio and Girls on film(no way gay. seen the vid?)and sing along cause it reminds me of a bird(girl for you yanks) i was seeing how is that gay?

A.  Singing "Rio" - or any Duran Duran song - out loud is gay.  I don't care who it reminds you of, how old you were when it came out, gay.  Gay, gay, gay.  Duran Duran falls in the "campy eighties" music along with Flock of Seagulls and Men Without Hats.  Doesn't mean it's not gay to belt out a few verses of "Hungry Like The Wolf" while driving down the road.

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Q.  Is it gay to have a girl to put her thumb in your ass while performing a sexual act ?

A.  Halfway.  All the way is gay.

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Q.  When I go to the gym, I'm in the locker room and I see these old guys long past their prime. Pruney, Hairy, Fat or Frail, they all love to stand around and chat naked. Naturally, about a foot away from me I have a wrinkled ass right at face level when I'm tying my shoes. Okay, here's the question: They go to the steam room naked, to and from the shower naked, they sit in the sauna together naked, hell, they'd work out naked if they could.  C'mon. Old men being nudists together in sweatty envornment. It's gotta be gay, right?

A.  Not necessarily.  Ever been in the sauna in your underwear?  Gets awfully uncomfortable.  However, conversations like, "Hey, nice cock" while in the locker room naked is gay.  But old guys standing around naked, no.  Although I'd personally be a bit put off by some old ass right in my face.

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Q.  A while back someone asked "Lets say that you get arrested and go to prison. Is it gay to beat and brutally fuck the toughest guy in the jail, to gain respect and to be feared by the other inmates?"; your answer implied that while actually boffing the poor bastard you just beat the shit out of was gay, sodomizing him with a broomstick or like object would not be gay. But isn't that also gay?

A.  No, inflicting serious pain in such a manner would not be gay in prison.  In high school, yes.  Now, if you're sodomizing him with the broomstick to make it easier to buttfuck him, gay no matter what.

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Q.  Is it gay to consistently eat reduced-fat foods like Lean Pockets or Velveeta Lite Shells and Cheese?

A.  Yes.  If you're diet is so fragile that you need to eat fake food, just find something else to eat.  Or stop being such a cunt and just eat the fatty stuff, you fat fuck.

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Q.  Is it gay to live in the Bronx and cheer for the Red Sox on one particular day they're not playing the Yankees? Example: That if the Red Sox beat, oh let's say the A's, the Yankees would get home field throughout the playoffs.

A.  It's never gay to root for home field advantage.  Even if it means rooting for the Red Sox.  However, said rooting should expire the nanosecond the final out is recorded.  And do NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, wear any sort of Red Sox paraphenalia.  Ever.

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Q.  I'm an avid Mac user/developer and I put a Mac "Apple" sticker (the apple w/ the horizontal rainbow stripes logo) on my rear windshield. When my buddies girlfriend saw it she told me to take it off coz other people/motorists will think i am gay. Is that gay?

A.  No.  Well, let me change that.  Some people may think you're gay simply for using a Mac.  However, the Apple v. IBM battle has raged since the days of the Apple II and the original IBM PC, and while I used to be an Apple person because they had better games, I now use PCs, even though I fucking hate Windows and Bill Gates and he just ripped off Mac anyway, now didn't he>  But let's not digress...  Being a Mac developer and displaying the rainbow Apple logo on your rear window is not gay.  A rectangle or triangle, yes.  If it was a banana or a cucumber or a gerbil, you might be crossing into a gray area.

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Q.  Is it gay to own and listen to a Clay Aiken CD?

A.  Can I ask you what WOULDN'T be gay about owning and/or listening to a Clay Aiken CD?  Even if my niece wanted a Clay Aiken CD for her birthday, I would steal someone's credit card, log in on a public computer wearing gloves so my fingerprints couldn't be found, have it shipped to a PO box in Jersey, then rent a car and drive to get it from the PO box JUST SO NO ONE EVER SAW ME INVOLVED WITH A CLAY AIKEN CD.  So yeah, owning and listening to it is gay.  Even if you're six years old, it's still gay.  And your parents should beat the shit out of you for it.

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Q.  In referring to a previous question about the "Kids in the Hall" show, is it gay to simply watch the "Kids in the Hall" show and find it humorous, including when there’s cross dressing? Yeah, they might dress up as women some times (but tom hanks did in his show, and hell, nothing gay bout him). The guys on the show are legitimately funny, even if one or more of the actors are gay (hay you never know how's gay, damn fucking Hollywood fucking with our heads)?

A.  Was "Monty Python" gay because they dressed as women sometimes?  No.  Appreciating "Kids In The Hall" humor isn't gay.  And only one of the guys on the show (if I remember right) was gay.

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Q.  Proctologist. Prostate exam. Boner. Gay?

A.  I'm no doctor, but I don't think so.  But if your proctologist has his finger up your ass long enough to stimulate a non-erotic erection, you better wonder about the good ol' doc.

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Q.  Occasionally after a night of drinking my roomate and I come home, strip naked in the bathroom and rub fake tan lotion over our entire bodies. Other than to put it on each other's backs, we don't touch each other. Is that gay?

A.  Hmmph, uh, duh, yeah.  What the fuck?  Yes, it's gay.  What's the point?  Fake tan lotion on your backs and you have to be completely naked?  Good God.

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Q.  Light beer. Gay?

A.  Not necessarily.  But Michelob Ultra Light is definitely shove-the-bottle-up-your-ass-and-bark-like-a-dog gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to stroke yourself in public toilets while you listen to other people have a shit?

A.  Gay.  And disgusting.  Dude, what the FUCK?!?!?!

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Q.  Hello there, I have been bodybuilding for 10 years now and would just like to know if it is gay or not to admire the physiques of the other guys in the gym. You know, sneaking a quick peak now and then while they're lifting so I can see the sweat glistening off their delts, traps and quads. No touching just looking. Many thanks.

A.  The way you describe it with the sweat thing, that's gay.  If you're looking at guys better built than you as a motivational tool to push yourself harder, not gay.  Sweat glistening makes it sound like you're salivating.  That, my bodybuilding-for-a-decade friend, is gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to wake up in the morning after being on the booze till 3am the night before and finding half a double ended dildo in your pocket and not remembering how it got there?

A.  Not necessarily, because it could have been a gift from a girl you met who just had it in her box and wanted to give you something to remember her by.  Or better yet, her and her best friend BOTH used it in the bathroom, then gave it to you.  Mmmmm... hmmph, uh, where was I?  Oh yeah.  Anyway, if, in the same pocket, was a phone number for a girl, you're OK.  For a guy, you're in trouble.  Otherwise, maybe you should ask someone you were with.

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Q.  Is it gay to spend much of your day thinking about new "is it gay" questions to submit, just so you can win a bet with your boss about getting "is it gay" questions answered. (And, I'm pretty sure the guy in question is wearing??? a large butt plug while pondering. Either that or he likes to walk like a duck.)

A.  No, but the buttplug thing is gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to masturbate in your bed if there is another guy in your room, aka your roomate, if he doesn't know what you are doing?

A.  Yes.  Go lock yourself in the bathroom, for fuck's sake.

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Q.  In your "Man Rules of Existance" you state that owning a cat is forbidden. But is it gay if it's a frat cat and used soley to achieve access to the other type of pussy?

A.  No, a "frat cat" isn't gay if used solely for aforementioned purpose.

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Q.  Is it gay to repeatedly say "y helo thar buttseckz" on numerous message boards?

A.  Yes.

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Q.  IS IT GAY IF YOU ARE WIPING YOUR ASS AND 3 OF YOUR FINGERS ACCIDENTLY SLIP IN YOUR BUTTHOLE FOR 5 MINUTES OR LONGER?

A.  Five minutes?  Yes.  Also, it's gay when you send me a question WITH THE FUCKING CAPS LOCK KEY ON.  Learn how to type, fag.

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Q.  Is it gay to kiss a girl after 69 or getting head? No snowballing or anything, and not like 2.4 seconds afterward, but a little while after settling down -- "postplay" to ensure future head (and swallowing). My collegues are split on this subject. Some say grab the Plax, others say go for it as long as there is no chin dribble.

A.  Kind of like asking if it's dirty if your dog licks your face several minutes (and more) after licking his ass.  Humans involuntarily swallow several times a minute.  This swallowing tends to remove any foreign objects from the mouth (ie. saliva, sperm, small animals).  As long as enough time has gone by that you feel comfortable her motor reflexes have removed any of your gunk from her mouth, go for it.  And your colleagues who say it is are just jealous because their wife/girlfriend/German Shepherd is probably a spitter.

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Q.  Is that Gay if you use pay money to a cable station doing a gay mardi gras as a pay per view....but you want to watch for the excellent choreography of the dancers?

A.  Yes.  You're watching for the choreography, and you want to use that as the litmus test for whether it's gay or not?  You... um, are you serious?

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Q.  Is it gay for your associate to bring in a few CD's to work and excitedly announce "It's disco day!" and then proceed to chair dance to the music all day long. I already know the answer, but I'd like the "why is it gay" verrified.

A.  Gee, ya think?  You want the why-it's-gay verified?  Tell me what ISN'T gay about that.  That guy should be taken into the copy room and beaten.  Not for being gay, but for being obnoxious.

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Q.  Is it gay to listen to Creed?

A.  Not necessarily, but if you think Creed rocks, you're gay.

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Q.  Is wrestling gay? Not WWE or WWF, but like the Olympic style wrestling?

A.  Two sweaty men in tights writhing around on the floor with each other?  Universally gay?  No.  But it has the potential.

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Q.  Is it gay to own a Honda Element? How about the Corbin Sparrow, it looks like a cock for christ sakes.

A.  It is gay to own any fake 4-wheel drive vehicle.  Fuck the term "SUV."  If you don't drive it like a truck, don't buy a truck.  However, I had no idea what the Corbin Sparrow was, so I looked it up, and WHOA NELLIE YEAH! if you buy that, you're gay.  I think you're gay if you idly admire it.  And if you wreck it, you're a corpse.

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Q.  I feel somewhat ashamed to announce this publicly but my 12 year old son has gone and joined his school's choir this morning without my prior knowledge and consent, will he grow up to be gay?

A.  If he's an alto, start worrying.

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Q.  Is being a wine conniseur gay? By that I mean those who spit wine out followed by comments about boquet and color and all that shit rather than swallow the stuff to get plastered.

A.  Drinking wine outside of the context of an expensive meal is gay.  So yes, bullshitting on and on about the nose and the legs and the blahblahblahgaygaygay.  You shouldn't spend more time talking about a beverage than you do drinking it.  Or making it, for that matter.

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Q.  Is it true that trucker hats are gay?

A.  Only if you're not a trucker.  If your parents are loaded and you drive a Saleen and you wear a trucker hat because you saw it at Urban Outfitters and thought it looked cool, better get some duct tape and seal your mouth before a cock falls in.

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Q.  I like Elton John's music. But mostly his 70's songs. Is that gay?

A.  No.  Tumbleweed Connection, Goodbye Yellowbrick Road, great albums.  Exept for one song on the first one because it's my ex-wife's middle name.  Other than that, liking Elton John is not gay.  If you dance at his concerts, or go to an Elton John concert dressed like him with the hat and the big glasses, yeah, you're gay.

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Q.  is it gay to think that you would love to look like a man because you think hes hot?

A.  Yeah.  "Gee, I wish I looked like Brad Pitt."  Homo.

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Q.  is it gay to get a boner n the swimming pool if its just men in there?

A.  What WOULDN'T be gay about that?

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Q.  Is knowing the exact use of a "buttplug" gay?

A.  No, but using it is.  Unless it's on a girl

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Q.  My associate sings along to Seal's "Kiss from A Rose" song (Some song from the Batman movies) is that gay, and for that matter, are there any songs that it isn't gay to sing along to?

A.  Yes.  Singing any song with the work "kiss" in the title is gay.  As I sit here typing, I'm trying to come up with an exception.  However, there should be rules to singing along to music to define gay and not gay.  It is gay to sing along if there's someone else in the car.  Period.  "Bohemian Rhapsody" in Wayne's World aside, men should not sing in chorus in a car to any song.  Or alone if there are other men in the car.  You may sing along if you are the only person in the car provided that the song:

• is not being done by a boy band;

• is not being sung by a woman, and I don't care how hot you may find Britney Spears, you can't sing along to any of her songs, and it's even gay just to be listening (Fleetwood Mac is an exception, but only 1970s Fleetwood Mac);

• is not about falling in love, breaking up (unless there is a killing in the song), or getting back together.

There are probably more rules, but I'm too tired to figure them out right now.

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Q.  Tom Jones does a cover of the song "Kiss" by Prince. Or perhaps Prince was covering Tom Jones. Anyhow, I think it's okay to sing along to Tom Jones' version of Kiss. Or any other song by Tom Jones for that matter. After all, there's nothing gay about the amount of snatch that Tom Jones gets, is there? And "Suck My Kiss" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers should also be considered as an acceptable song to sing along to.  On the other hand, if you sing along to "Your Kiss is on My List" by Hall & Oates, you just might be a flaming fag.

A.  OK, first off, I want to update my stance on singing along in the car with other men.  It is NOT gay to do so as long as you are either (a) lipsynching, or (b) using a voice so low that no one else can hear you.  If the other guys in the car can distinctly hear you singing along, you're gay.

OK, now onto the question.  As far as Tom Jones' cover of "Kiss," it is still a Prince song.  Singing along with Prince is gay.  I used to have a friend who was a big Prince fan.  He also (I found out later) liked to have vibrators shoved up his ass while saying, "Fuck my little pussy."  The prosecution rests, your honor.  No further questions.  As for "Suck My Kiss," I fucking hate the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  But you wanna sing along with 'em, fine.  Just make sure no other guys in the car can hear you.

Oh, I just assumed that I was alone in the car singing along with Tom Jones. If I had realized that other guys were in the car with me, I definitely would have kept my mouth shut, for fear that one of them might develop an attraction to my singing voice. Fag.

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Q.  Thumb rings are gay aren't they? Back in highschool, the rule was earring in the left ear, not gay. Earring in the right ear, gay. But I don't remember anyone with a ring on their thumb. Now I'm in my 30's and nobody has updated me on gay fashion rules.

A.  Thumb rings are not gay in and of themselves.  Unless they have an engraving like "To Bob, from Scott," or, "Born To Suck Cock."

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Q.  If one likes the movie Ghostbusters so much that he has a custom "ecto one" plate on his car (Saturn), it has to be gay riqht?

A.  Gay no, but definitely dorky.  Please tell me he doesn't have all the light bars on the roof... please?

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Q.  Is it gay to hang out with hot pants wearing Russian gymnast on vacation?

A.  Male Russian gymnast, right?  No, provided you keep a minimum of three feet, three inches (one meter) from him at all times, and any time a decent-looking female comes within earshot, you say something about how much you love to eat pussy.

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Q.  Are guys who ride behind chicks on motorcycles gay? Even worse, what about guys who ride behind guys on motorcycles?

A.  Guys riding behind anyone of motorcycles are gay.  Only in the most severe of roadside emergencies should a man ride second on a bike.  Period.

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Q.  Is it gay to have too many houseplants and to build my own stands for them?

A.  "Too many" is gay.  And the floor should be your stand for them.  The stand is gay, whether you built it or bought it.  And if someone gave it to you, use it to store CDs and Playstation games and leave the plants on the floor.

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Q.  Is that gay if you go to a well known gay nightclub to watch lesbian mud wrestling?

A.  Only if they're butch diesel-dyke lesbians.  Hot lesbians are OK.

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Q.  Is that gay if you pitch in with mates to get a friend who never gets any a lady man when he is travelling to another city?

A.  A "lady man"?  Like a she-male?  No, that shit's fuckin' funny.  Now, if he fucks said she-male, he's gay.

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Q.  Is that gay to casually look at Robert Mapplethorpe books when visiting your local library?

A.  Female photos or male photos?  Do the math, dude.

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Q.  Regarding the "Ecto one" plate guy. He doesn't have the lightbars (yet), but he does have copies of the logo on his rear windows. Still think this fag is just a dork?

A.  He is getting close to the "needs help" department.  If he does any of the following, he's probably gay:

• Shouts out, "Who ya gonna call?" whenever it may, even in the most remote sense, fit into a conversation

• Wears the "Ghostbusters" uniform, or at least owns it

• Hums the theme

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Q.  Is it gay to go to a "Unique Lounge" if there are $4 pitchers and you can still pick up on straight women who hang out there because they dig guys who are bi?

A.  Whoawhoawhoawhoa there, soldier.  Just had a real bad image in my head.  OK.  Let me get this straight (no pun intended).  You go to this "Unique Lounge."  You drink beer.  You're hetero.  You pick up on straight women under the guise of being a switch-hitter.  As long as you don't end up with balls slappin' against your Adam's apple or the backs of your thighs, I think you're in the clear.  If you drop your car keys, though, my suggestion is to kick them out into the street before bending over to pick them up.

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Q.  Is it gay to hug random men in drunken delerium, for reason that your team has just won the Grand Final in extra time, in soaking wet conditions, against the arch-rival and all odds in a game you travelled across the other side of the country to see?

A.  While I personally don't hug other men as a general rule, I believe that you are in the clear as long as while your are embraced - an act which should last no longer than 2.3 seconds - you pound him on the back hard enough to knock the wind out of him.  If your hands come to rest on his person for any length of time, well, DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON.

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Q.  Okay, so I've broken a few rules. I've hugged a man for no reason. I've sung to A-Teens, even danced to it. I've told a man I loved him, but it was while I was in the army and the bullets were flying and I was in a trench and- well you had to be there. Sure they were blanks but they felt real. And yes! I am the one who owns the car with Ecto-1 licence plates! Now here's the question. I've crossed to the gay side, now what will it take to re-affirm my masculinity and get back on the straight side of the fence? I've got an open minded girlfriend who will help me do whatever it takes to wash the gay away. Help me!

A.  Stop hugging men.  See the question above for when and how it is permissible to embrace another male.  Throw away the A-Teens and get some new music.  I suggest Disturbed, Godsmack, Social Distortion, Led Zeppelin.  Keep in mind that while "Ghostbusters" was a pretty good movie, it was JUST A MOVIE.  And that "Ghostbusters 2" sucked hairy donkeyballs.  Luckily, you have a support system to help you through these dark times.  A support system with a vagina.  And she'll still let you touch it.

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Q.  When I was in the Canadian Military, my dress uniform as a jacket and Kilt. I started to like the reaction the ladies got when I wore it, so I bought a few for civilian attire. Is that gay? Keep in mind that the ladies love it. (and before you ask, yes, I wore it in the traditional sense)

A.  The "ladies love it" as in you are getting certifiable ass from it?  Or they just ask you questions about it, ask you if you're freeballin' under there, then leave with a pants-wearing member of the male of the species?  If you are ending up with your kilt wrapped around the upper torso of a young lass as she's... you get the idea... then you're in the clear.  But if you're not getting any real play off it, then lose it.  Girls used to love when I shaved my head bald, too, way back when, but I didn't get any more ass because of it.  Wait a minute.  Yeah, I did.  Fuck, where's that damn razor?

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Q.  Is it gay if, while I'm fucking a girl, I like a finger in my ass just as I'm about to cum?

A.  How many times do I have to repeat the rule?  Not past the second knuckle (or more than half a thumb).

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Q.  I fainted when I was beside my wife while giving birth. I'm now a father, but was that gay when i fainted?

A.  Dude.  You fainted?  What the fuck?

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Q.  Is it gay to be at a bar all night with friends and not drink any beer only water or pepsi?

A.  Depends on the reason.  Me, I can't drink because of certain things I'm taking, so if I was in a bar, I wouldn't drink.  However, I need the reason said person is drinking water and Pepsi.  If because of a medical condition, not gay.  If because he just polished off a bottle of Jack and figures pacing himself would be a good idea, not gay.  If because his girlfriend / wife / etc. doesn't want him to drink, gay.

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Q.  Between a photo of my girlfriend and I at Niagara Falls and a photo of me back in the army days on an operation, I have cat-a-day calander. That's not gay, is it? The men at work say it is but, I mean, c'mon! Two to one here!

A.  Lose the calendar.  Nine million fuckin' whatever-a-day calendars and you have fuckin' CATS?  You'd be better off with a Far Side calendar from 1993.  Wait, I think I have one of those around...

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Q.  Is it gay to walk into work covered in sweat from the heat outside and use paper napkins to wipe off you face and stand infront of the airconditioner while everyone else waits for you to cool off and free up the ac vent?

A.  It would be gay if everyone else in the place was male and you did it with your shirt off and posed while you were doing it.  However, barring that, it's not gay, but you're being an asshole, because you're blowing your sweat BO all over the room.  If you have such a bad sweat problem every day that you require to pat yourself down, bring a fucking towel.  Or get the air conditioner in your car fixed.  But don't make everyone else deal with the fact that you're so cool that you're sweating all over the fucking room, you douchebag,

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Q.  Hey Kenny. After a few months of you answering questions from this guy I work with, we have determined the following. 1.He has "Ecto-1' plates. 2.He has hugged a man. 3.He has sung to A-Teen. 4.He has said "I love you" to another man. 5.He wears a kilt. 6. He has a cat calander. 7. He has the Ghostbusters logos glued to the rear windows of his car. At no point have you made a difinitive answer that he is gay (or not). With all this information in hand, I'm worried that the next time he asks me for a raise, he won't be looking for more money. Should I worry??

A.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

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Q.  Mind settling a dispute between me and a friend? The question is: Does cat ownership by a man make said male owner a fag?

A.  I thought about this one for a long time.  Well, about ten seconds.  Which, for me, is an eternity to spend inside my head.  There are "manly" dogs (Rottweilers, German Shepherds) and "girlie" dogs (Poodles, Pomeranians).  A guy owning a poodle would be considered gay, while a guy owning a Rottie would be, well, quite not.  Now, translating this to cats, one would assume that the most "manly" cat would be a tiger.  You know, big claws, big meat- (and flesh-) tearing teeth, weighing hundreds of pounds.  Definitely take a Bull Mastiff in a fight.  And when you think tiger ownership, you think... Siegfried and Roy.  And they're both gay.  End of discussion.

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Q.  Back when I was in grade 12, I turned down a couple of cute blonde twins (short hair glasses, my weakness!) just because they were two years younger than me and in highschool that's apparently some big deal. Anyways, I regret the incident and am wondering if that was incredibly gay or just incredibly stupid. . . .It's both, isn't it?

A.  It was the honorable thing to do, to not commit a sexual act which would have possibly led to charges of statutory rape.  Also you must think of the psychological damage you could have caused to those two poor innocent girls, possibly scarring them for life with your sexual craving.

What the fuck am I talking about?  You were stupid.  Not gay, but DEFINITELY STUPID.  Your penance is to have sex with a girl of barely legal age ASAP.

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Q.  Is giggling gay? For that Matter, what types of laughs are considered manly, and what are to be outright avoided? Is there a specific decible range to try to stick to? I've been having a few problems, only because puberty has been taking it's bloody time in finishing.

A.  Basically, if you are a guy and laugh like a girl, fix it.  Or be gay.  Use a tape recorder, work on it, get coaching, something.

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Q.  If you fuck a chick who dresses in drag as a dude is that gay. If your did her in the ass is that more gay?

A.  It's not any more gay than fucking a guy dressed as a girl is straight.  And doing a girl in the doodoohole is ALWAYS fine.

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Q.  In the "Three MC's and 1 DJ" Video by the Beastie Boys it shows Mixmaster Mike using a backpack that is a replica of the ones worn in Ghostbusters....going on the ECTO 1 conversation from previous times on this website does that make Mixmaster Mike gay?

A.  First of all, listening to The Beastie Boys is gay.  I didn't like them much in 1986, and now they're just obnoxious.  But that's a matter of personal taste.  As a set prop, wearing the Ghostbusters backpack is not gay.  If he was walking down the street with it just normal like every day, that'd be fuckin' whacked.

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Q.  Is it gay to have too many houseplants if they're marijuana plants and you smoke or sell the weed?

A.  No, but just to make sure, send me a pound of it and let me test it for myself.

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Q.  Is it gay to turn down a fuck because the girl in question wanted to do it in the middle of a packed street with police up the road?

A.  Not gay so much as chickenshit.  C'mon, live a little!  It would definitely be a story to break the ice at parties.

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Q.  Is it gay to drink Michelob Ultra? I mean, come on, who the fuck cares about Carbs?

A.  Yes.  It is gay to drink Michelob Ultra.  If you are a guy out drinking beer and you drink Michelob Ultra because you are watching your figure, after you're done drinking the "beer," you should probably just shove the bottle right up your ass.

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Q.  Does it mean your gay if a MAN wear's an earring ONLY on the right side? The deal iz my left ear got infected so i can not wear one on the left but I would like to start wearing an earring again, but do not want to give off the wrong signal beacause I are not.... well you know a fa..........

A.  Well, here's a twist on that question:  does it mean your gay if you ONLY fuck guys in the ass, because I wanna have sex with a girl, but she got infected, but I'd like to start having sex again, but don't want to give off the wrong signal...  Get the idea?

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Q.  Is it gay to sit here for 10 minutes trying to think of a question to ask? I'm just giving you easy prey here really.

A.  Not as gay as if you'd asked me something like, "Is it gay to suck dick if you're a guy?"

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Q.  I know a guy who has said to people that he can touch his peehole with the end of his tounge. Gay or weird?

A.  ...I don't know.  What is the consensus on the "sucking your own dick" thing?  I believe my answer to that was it's not gay unless you shoot yourself in the mouth.

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Q.  Is it gay for a medical practitioner not to get turned on when examining young women (y'know the whole stethascope has to go on the chest deelie)? I have never been turned on by a patient - is that gay?

A.  Um, no, I don't think so.  While some people may say, "a pussy is a pussy and if you're not getting turned on by looking at a pussy, you're gay," you have to remember that girls don't go to doctors when they feel great.  They go because something is growing / fermenting / stinking, and what's so fucking exciting about looking at a girl's box that is baking a loaf of rye bread?  You're a professional, not gay.

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Q.  I was recently at a party. A friend likes to expose himself on a regular basis to the ladies that are present. Another, rather drunk bastard, gently tapped his nut sack with the tips of his fingers. He did not cup the ballz, repeat he did not actually cup the ball sack. Would you consider this gay?

A.  ...uh, YEAH.  Any contact with another man's genitals is gay.  "Gently tapping the ball sack"?  What the FUCK?  Your friend should have kept his hands to himself.  Well, unless it was because some hot girl said, "Tap his balls and I'll fuck you all night."  Then it's OK.  However, I'm going to drop a fiver on betting that wasn't the case.

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Q.  Is it gay to order Chinese food without vegetables? Where does being picky end and gay begin?

A.  No, I fucking can't stand the vegetables half the damn time.  Now, if it was without the sauce, that would be gay.  No sauce, gay, no veggies, not gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to say that the war in Iraq is like WWII?

A.  Not gay, but stupid.  I love politicians who say that "this is the greatest challenge our nation has ever faced."  Yes, greater than Hitler, greater than the threat of nuclear annihilation.  Where the fuck were these guys in the '40s, '50s, '60s, '70s, '80s?

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Q.  I love pussy. That includes the kind that you knock the bottom out of, and also the other kind: cats. I'm a proud cat owner of a small beast named Rodimus Prime. Rod (as I call him) went to visit a friend of mine who owns two dogs. When I let Rod out of his cage, instead of running into the corner like a scaredy-cat, he just sat there minding his own business. Then both of the dogs tried to bark at him to scare him, and he swiped both of them on the nose with his claws. In that short amount of time he had made that house into his own domain. I submit that even though I love cats, the fact that I love sex with women and have a cat named Rodimus Prime who beat up two dogs on their own turf ensures that I am straight. Am I gay?

A.  What kind of dogs?  Poodles?  Chihuahuas?  My roommate has a boxer and if a cat did that to him, there'd be kittybits from one end of the house to the other.  However, the name "Rodimus Prime" sounds rather intimidating.  At least Roman.  Fine, you can keep the cat.

Then again...

I don't think cats are necessarily gay, after
all, they're born killers, (but then so was John
Gacy) My favorite dog is my former neighbor's
boxer, and he gets along well with cats.

"However, the name "Rodimus Prime" sounds rather intimidating." FYI - Rodimus Prime is the name of a Transformer, as in the cars-change-into-robots toys from the 80s.

I would submit that the owner of 'Rodimus Prime' is gay, as he is a confirmed cat owner. The cat's name is irrelevant. Think of it this way - what if someone were to post this message to you:

"I like to fuck other guys in the ass, but I don't call it ass-sex. I call it 'Giving my buddy the old Rodimus Prime' Does that make me gay?"

I think my analogy fits. Wouldn't you have to agree?

Tell the little faggot to take 'Rod' to the humane society or to give it to his mother. He can buy a German Shephard and name it 'FiFi' and he'll get more respect that way.

Well, there you have it.  The masses (or in this case three people) have spoken.  Women are "cat people" and men are "dog people" for a reason.  Men are like dogs.  Women are like cats.  And both men and women pick pets that reflect our personalities.

And I can't believe you named your cat after a toy.

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Q.  Is it gay when you wear a hawain shirt and your not a big fat party animal?

A.  Yeah, guys, if you are wearing a Hawaiian shirt and (a) not a fat party animal or (b) at a party where the theme is "ugly Hawaiian shirt night," lose the shirt.  Magnum P.I. is off the air, and the Hawaiian shirt went with it, OK?

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Q.  If you were to dig up a dead person of the same sex, and sleep with them, would that make them gay? After all, it cannot be rape, since they do not resist. And since Forcing yourself onto a person who does not resist is not considered rape, does that mean you can turn gay after you die?

A.  ...

...

...

I... uh...

...

Hmmm...

I, I, I'm, uh, I'm dumbfounded.  Exactly how long did it take you to come up with this question?  How long did you sit at your computer thinking, "I have to come up with a really fucked up question for this asshole, what can I ask him?"  No, the corpse cannot turn gay.  You, however, need to find a nice hospital to check yourself into.  Drink the punch, it's good for you.

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Q.  Is it gay if you're partially attracted to hair care products?

A.  Yes.  Yes, it is.  If you spend more than 60 seconds in total doing ANYTHING to your hair, you're a fag.  Guys that highlight their hair, fags.  Guys that mousse, gel, or otherwise style their hair, fags.  The ONLY exception is a guy who puts gel or mousse in his hair because if he doesn't it looks like something a family of rats used as a nest.  And not a particularly clean family of rats.  If you own a hairpick, you're gay.  If you use a blow dryer, you are SUCH A FAG THAT YOU MAKE BOY GEORGE LOOK LIKE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.  Guys should generally find hair to be an annoyance.  You think Vin Diesel gives a shit if his hair looks good?  No, and you know why?  Because he shaves his head.

Straight guy hair care:  Wash.  Condition if you must.  Towel dry.  Fix any rat-hair looking problems with gel/mousse, don't spend more than ten (10) seconds doing so.  Get away from the fucking mirror.

The only time a guy should give a shit about his hair after this point is if he wears a hat, because no one likes hathead.  Or if a bird passing overhead mistakes your coiffure for a toilet.

Public figures and celebrities are allowed certain exemptions to this rule, but since I'm pretty sure that none of them read this site, or even know it exists, there's no reason for me to go into them here.

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Q.  My Fiancee has made a request for the wedding. She wants me to sing "She's All I'll Ever Need (a.k.a. Here I Am) from - sigh - one of Ricky Martin's albums. She once made me do it in Kareoke 'cause she liked it, fell in love with me after she herd me sing the thing, and now somehow needs me to sing it in front of both my and her families & friends on our "special day" ~ Damn-it. Half the guys at work'll be there ~ . I figure I have no choice, since her family's paying for it and all I'm contributing is the engagement ring and 3.5 minutes of singing, but. . .is it gay to sing it? It is her special day after all and I want to make an exception.

A.  Son, you're contributing a lot more than that.  However, this isn't for me to go into why no one should ever get married...  Don't do it.  Unless you can sing very well, you shouldn't sing.  Try asking her if you can sing something else, perhaps "The Game" by Disturbed or "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" by Meat Loaf.  When that fails - and it WILL - grudgingly agree to go along.  The night before your wedding, have the best man punch you in the throat.  Then you won't be able to talk, let alone sing.  This is what we call an "out."  Now, you're out of it.  And she can't get pissed off.

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Q.  THE "ECTO ONE" GUY HAS DYED A BLOND SPOT INTO THE FRONT OF HIS HAIR. IT'S NOT STREAKED, IT'S MORE LIKE SOMEONE POURED BLEACH ONTO HIS HEAD WHILE HE SLEPT. DORKY OR GAY (OR STYLISH?)

A.  Just plain dumb.  Where'd you find this fuckin' clown?

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Q.  Is it gay for a guy to shave his body hair if he's not a stripper or model?

A.  Only if he's got unsightly body hair (like me).  And if he poses all the time with his shaved physique, then he's gay.

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Q.  Men with multiple ear rings... gay?

A.  Not necessarily, unless they're all in the right ear.

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Q.  Is it gay to listen to music made by posers such as Good Charlotte or Slipknot?

A.  Yes.

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Q.  Is it gay for dudes to play sports like netball or volleyball?

A.  No, but playing with scantily-clad women always helps.

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Q.  is it gay when your a guy and u lick your best guy friends ear? when theres already gay tendencys like not wanting a girlfriend and always wantin to b with the guys?

A.  Yes.  I can't believe I actually had to answer that.  That has homo written all over it.

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Q.  is it gay to feel a mans head if he has a huge head and his nickname is egg head and it is really really big?

A.  Yes.  Don't touch another man.  Anywhere.  Ever.  You can SEE his head.  You don't have to HOLD it.

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Q.  is it gay to have a mans dick in your hand IF you have his cock so tight blood is shooting out of the hole because the little ass tried to rape you, so you tear it off, jam it up his ass, force his mouth open rip his dick out his ass,jam it down his troat and tear his eyes clear from the socet to leave him lying in a pool of his own blood and seman?

A.  Anger issues?  Survey says Zoloft.  Anyway, no, in that instance, it wouldn't be gay.

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Q.  Is it gay to dress in drag so a lesbo will let you eat her pussy?

A.  Yes, because as soon as she feels your whiskers against her legs, she'll know you're not a girl.  For fuck's sake, what's wrong with some of you people?

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Q.  If you're attracted to K.D. Lang, are you gay? She's still a girl, and looks damn good when she wants. No, not too interested when she's going all butch, but when she's all sexied up she really makes the mahogany.

A.  I've never seen k.d. lang all "sexied up."  But, since she is still technically a female, then no, it's not gay, as long as she doesn't look like a little boy.

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Q.  I found that I was dating a girl just like my mother. Looks, voice, even the way she wears her hair. She really turns me on, and I like it when she- anyways, is that gay?

A.  Like, all of a sudden you woke up one day and realized mom was lying next to you?  Or someone brought it to your attention, like dad?  The next question is, does she fuck like mom?  OK, that was bad.  No, it's not gay, but it's starting to sound like a Greek tragedy.  If you've already killed your father, then gouging your eyes out is all that's left.  What walks in the morning on four feet, in the afternoon on two feet, and in the evening on three feet?

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Q.  I have a rose garden. Broads really dig it. Gay?

A.  No.  As long as all you do is water them, cut them, and give them to broads.  If you smell them, admire them, and/or press them in books, well, uh, GAY.

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Q.  My girlfriend blows me. After i unload in her mouth how long until I can kiss her. A quick rinse? Brushes her teeth? The next day? The whole idea of kissing after a blowjob, regardless of how long the wait borders on gay. What's appropriate?

A.  Brushes the teeth or at least uses Listerine.  Otherwise, eight hours.  Oh, and congrats on getting a girl that (a) will blow you and (b) let you gunk in her mouth.  Does she have a sister?  I'll give you my number, have her call me.

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Q.  I drive a beer truck. There's a fag bar on the route. It's one of the few places that still offer free lunch to delivery guys. If I eat lunch there, am I gay?

A.  No.  But don't talk to anyone except the bartender and the owner.  And if someone asks if they can push your stool in for you, NO.  And stay out of the bathroom.

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Q.  Can something that was gay, not be gay now? Twenty-five years ago, when I was a kid, you were gay if you wore short pants, unless they were cut-offs. Now everyone wears nicely tailored shorts. Ten years ago cell phones were gay, now they proliferate the landscape. What's happening? If i answer my cell phone in in non cut-off short, am I a fucking flamer?

A.  I remember when you were gay if you didn't have OP shorts.  I think nicely tailored shorts are OK only on a golf course.  I don't remember cell phones being "gay," but definitely stupid.  Now, everyone but my dog has one.  The phone is OK.  Stay away from the non-cutoffs.

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Q.  Let's say you're at a bar and some fuckhead starts picking a fight with you. Is it gay to grab him by, and put a death grip on, his nuts, so you can avoid getting into a brawl with said fuckhead?

A.  It worked for Gene Hackman in "Mississippi Burning."  However, be advised that such a maneuver constitutes "dirty pool," in which case the Marquis of Que