The Quest For Work - The International Association of Drunk Bastards

It wasn't supposed to be like this. After quitting my job at a restaurant in Scottsdale as a bartender at the end of May (and giving 17 - yes, seventeen - weeks notice), I went on vacation for a week, assuming that I had a job with a local bar when I returned. Alas, I didn't. And so the hunt began.

Having been a bartender for nine years in Scottsdale, Arizona, I felt that it was only a matter of days before I was able to find another job. After all, Scottsdale's #1 industry is drinking (followed closely by DUI defense attorneys), and with the hundreds of liquor licenses around, SOMEONE must be looking for a bartender, right?

I hit the (very hot) pavement at the beginning of June, canvassing the local bars and nightclubs. Nothing. Then I resorted to the local classifieds, faxing résumés, filling out applications. Zilch. I even went to restaurants and applied as a server - after all, what is a server but a bartender without a bar, right? Nada.

After four or five weeks, a certain level of cynicism - more than usual - took over my attitude. My relentless assault on the drinking and eating establishments of Scottsdale had resulted in nothing. It was time to take drastic measures. I started applying for "real jobs." Banks, accounting firms, etc. etc. Since I have an IQ of 150 (give or take five) and scored a 1200 on the SATs when I was 12, I do possess a level of intelligence greater than the average person. And considering the morons I deal with in relations with corporate America, I figured all I had to do was get an interview.

So, downtrodden, broke, and considering having a penis enlargement and going into a satisfying line of work in the porn industry, I started sending out résumés with the following cover letter:

Please review my resume for the advertised position with your company. I think you will find me to be a great asset.

With the multitude of résumés I am sure you have received, you may ask yourself, “Why should we hire this person? What has he done in his life that would make him a valuable addition to our organization?”

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, back in high school, I repaired electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and all my bills are paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

Yep, you guessed it, not one call. I figured someone would have called just to see what kind of depraved idiot would send this letter in hopes of employment. Then, I did the unspeakable. I went back to Houston's Restaurant in Phoenix for a job.

For those of you unfamiliar with Houston's, one friend of mine no longer in their employ called it "a concentration camp disguised as a soup kitchen." I think that was putting it lightly. Anyway, I had worked there for two months last year as a service bartender, which was probably the worst job I have ever had, and I've had some really shitty ones. After having to go through the Gestapo interview process again, the G.M. (as a matter of privacy I won't tell you his name is Grayson Lewis) told me that he "didn't feel comfortable" putting me on the floor as a server. This coming from the same man who (a) wouldn't take my resignation last year, and (b) offered me real bar shifts if I would stay. So, with visions of blood and smoke filling my head, I sent off the following e-mail to the Houston's version of Hitler's Bunker:

Being a former employee of Houston's Restaurant, and having many friends who have been or are currently employed with your company, I feel that there is something lacking in the uniform spec, something that would make the presentation complete. Until last night, I had never quite put my finger on it.

Attached you will find a picture of the uniform addition that I propose. This item would be worn around the upper left arm. I feel that it reflects the management attitude of Houston's perfectly, summarizing in one quick blow what your organization strives to acheive, not only in customer service, but in the relationship with its employees.

Sincerely,

Martin Bormann

Then came National Bank of Arizona. They were hiring for tellers. For those of you who have never been inside a bank before (with the advent of e-banking, Direct Deposit, and ATMs, it IS possible...), they're the people who count money all day long and screw up your bank account. Bartenders, on the other hand, count money all day long and get people screwed up. Therefore, I felt the transition would be an easy one. So, I applied online for the job. This was the response I received:

Thank you for submitting your resume to National Bank of Arizona. After carefully reviewing your resume, we have determined that your qualifications do not match the requirements for our current openings.

If you are interested in future openings, please call our Job Hotline at 1-800-832-8266 and resubmit your resume for the position(s) that interest you.

Thank you for your time and for your interest in the National Bank of Arizona as a possible employer.

That's right, I don't possess the minimum qualifications to count money. So, thoroughly disgusted with corporate America at this point, I replied to Nancy Focht with the following:

Dear Nancy,

Thanks for your letter of July 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your rejection at this time.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of employers, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your outstanding record and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my current career needs. Consequently, I will begin employment with your company in one week. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,

Kenneth R. Stewart

For the last three months, there has been a bar in Scottsdale advertising for managers. Honestly, I don't know the name of it, because it is not in the ad. They list a fax number to send résumés to. The first two times I faxed it with a rather professional cover letter - in response to the ad, please accept this, look forward to hearing from you, blah blah blah. No response. On July 19, they had another ad for the same position. I wrote them:

This would be either the third or fourth time I have responded to this or a similar ad placed by your establishment. By a matter of deduction, I would assume that you have gone through at least that many management candidates, assuming a rate of one per classified ad. Given my persistence in applying for the same job repeatedly, I believe that an interview is in order based solely on perserverance.

Three times now I had applied for the job, and three times did not receive a call. Then, On August 1, they had - you guessed it - yet another ad for managers. This was the cover letter I sent them:

I am, once again, submitting my résumé to you for the management position you continue to advertise for in the Arizona Republic. I believe this is the fourth time I have faxed this to you, and if history teaches anything, you will not call back on this one, either. However, not being one to give up easily, I am stubbornly going to send this to you again. Perhaps you can start a little collection of faxes from me, maybe practice origami with them. Personally, I feel I deserve a call back simply in deference to my dogged determination. I assume that, sooner or later, you will have to call me simply because you will have interviewed every other person in the metro Phoenix area and will be left with no choice. I wait with baited breath for that day to come.

I look forward to not being taken notice of in this matter. You may ignore me at (480) XXX-XXXX.

Now it's August 5th. Scanning through the job-hunt websites, my old buddy from National Bank of Arizona has another ad. The post is titled "Bank Teller (PART-TIME positions ONLY)." The minimum qualifications? None! Ya-hoo! So, I sent off another résumé, and waited to see if (a) I would get a positive response, and (b) if Nancy Focht would remember my other letter. This was the response I received.

Subj: Re: Jobing.com: Bank Teller (Part-Time Positions ONLY) resume from:Kenneth Stewart
Date: 8/6/2001 9:27:29 AM US Mountain Standard Time
From: NANCYF@NBArizona.com (NANCY FOCHT)

Dear Kenny,

Thank you for submitting your resume to National Bank of Arizona. The position you are applying for is part-time.

I invite you to call our Job Hotline at 1-800-832-8266 for our current openings and resubmit your resume for a position(s) that may interest you.

Thank you for your time and for your interest in the National Bank of Arizona as a possible employer.

Sincerely,

Nancy Focht, PHR
National Bank of Arizona
Human Resource Recruiter
nancyf@nbarizona.com

Rats, foiled again! I do appreciate the fact that she assumed I have the intelligence of an Ipswich clam and couldn't read the fact that the job was part-time, those big words in capital letters across the top of the ad posting. So, I responded with:

Subj: Re: Jobing.com: Bank Teller (Part-Time Positions ONLY) resume from:Kenneth St...
Date: 8/6/2001 9:37:30 AM US Mountain Standard Time
To: NANCYF@NBArizona.com

Dear Nancy,

It is funny you should mention that the position is part-time, because that is why I applied for it. See, I happened to see the words PART-TIME on the job title, and applied for it. Bearing that in mind, would you like me to come in an go through the motions for employment, or would you like to simply point out that the position is part-time and disqualify me based on that fact?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you,

Ken Stewart