What you will find on this page is news stories, weird websites, and a bunch of other shit.  Usually what I do is send this stuff in e-mails to friends.  If I find it funny, fucked up, both, or both and then some, it's here.  Enjoy.

For a lot more stuff just like this, go see B.A.'s website.

I have no idea if all of these links work.  If they don't, too bad.  I can't control what these people keep on their servers and what they delete.

7 October 2006

Good, now we can all stop wondering where those “really whacky letter signs” come from.  They come from nowhere…

 

http://ronaldmchummer.org/index.php

 

The best part is… this was an “elaborate plan.”  To screw a corpse.  An ELABORATE PLAN.  How friggin’ elaborate did it have to be?

 

http://www.channel3000.com/news/9792536/detail.html

 

The question is:  can I get John Holmes’ crank attached to me?

 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/story/0,,1874818,00.html

 

And why do I find this funny?

 

http://www.mytelus.com/news/article.do?pageID=oddities_home&articleID=2385173

 

Something to add to the “There’s no way I’d ever be that hungry” file…

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/5371500.stm

 

Whatever happened to a simple lock of hair?

 

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2006420225,00.html

 

When Alfred Hitchcock meets reality…

 

http://www.nbc11.com/news/9946298/detail.html?rss=bay&psp=news

 

Just in time for Xmas…

 

http://www.assinthebox.com/sites/assinthebox/

 

This is when you know you have spent WAY too much time with the dog…

 

http://www.teambio.org/2006/09/jesus-image-found-in-dogs-butt/

 

If this is true, He’s taking his sweet-ass time making it happen in my little world…

 

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1533448-1,00.html

 

The #1 Xmas gift in Poland this year…

 

http://www.dvdrewinder.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=1

 

The greatest nugget of knowledge here is:  girls fart more than boys.  I knew it!  Those friggin’ liars…

 

http://www.abc.net.au/spark/smelly/fartsurvey/default.htm

 

Then again, he could have five different girls at the same time… question is, how do you decide who gets the thumb?

 

http://spluch.blogspot.com/2006/10/out-on-limb.html

4 September 2006

This could be the world’s coolest wind chime…

 

http://ueba.net/hosted_pages/Suspended-Honda-F1-Car-20060730

 

This… well, let me show you one little “question” and you decide whether to go or not…

 

I see successful people and want to become like them. I understand that I spend most of my time in masturbation and that they don't and I am willing to take the action to overcome this habit once for all.

 

http://www.taketheaction.com/

 

If you can’t get a hot nurse at the hospital to give you a tongue bath after this “ordeal,” just kill yourself…

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/5264566.stm

 

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… heaven on a bun…

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hamdog

 

Raspberry-flavored vodka… lemon flavored vodka… orange flavored vodka… but this?

 

http://forums.egullet.org/index.php?showtopic=91731

 

…but really, who can honestly say this has never happened to them?  Well, the $3,500 notwithstanding…

 

http://www.nj.com/news/bridgeton/local/index.ssf?/base/news-6/115630622099920.xml&coll=10#continue

 

To meow or not to meow…

 

http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/tribunereview/news/westmoreland/s_467270.html

 

After my Motorola V60 incident, I can’t imagine why I wasn’t invited to this…

 

http://www.savonlinnafestivals.com/MMkuvat_05.htm

 

The subtitle of this article is “The cautionary tale of a janitor, his dildo, a rope and two Samoans.”  Some things are just too good in life to make up…

 

http://www.ocweekly.com/news/news/das-booty/25716/?ref=nr/

 

15 things I’m not sure I wanted to know, either…

 

http://health.msn.com/centers/mensexualhealth/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100141786&wa=wsignin1.0

 

Doc, everything tastes like shit…”

 

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1965833.html

13 August 2006

And I thought the Winnie The Pooh story could be disturbing…

 

http://www.avclub.com/content/node/51180/print/

 

And the award for “Coach Of The Year” goes to…

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/01/AR2006080101480.html

 

Good dog…

 

http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Music/08/02/britain.elvisbear.ap/index.html

 

And he will probably win this lawsuit, too.  Welcome to the American legal system.  Depressing, eh?

 

http://www.oregonlive.com/news/oregonian/index.ssf?/base/news/11546547725210.xml&coll=7

 

I think I found a new club I wanna join…

 

http://www.chrisbeach.co.uk/viewQuotes.php

 

Just to prove that the U.S. government can still create cutting-edge web pages that look like they were designed by a retarded four-year-old with a Crayola…

 

http://www.fs.fed.us/r6/uma/urban/cale1b.htm

 

I want to use the words “monkeyface” and “pussy” for this one, and then say that I meant them both in a Puritanical fashion, but after watching the whole thing (twice), I’m not sure I can…

 

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/115338/inter_species_love/

 

Funny-ass poopie…

 

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

 

Dude, this is the absolute coolest thing ever… well, maybe for a few seconds…

 

http://www.isoma.net/games/goggles.html

 

Redefining the term “unsafe sex”…

 

http://www.mg.co.za/articlepage.aspx?area=/breaking_news/other_news/&articleid=280199

 

Where can I find a copy of the videotape?

 

http://www.wishtv.com/Global/story.asp?S=5261849

1 August 2006

My ticket is already coming…

 

http://www.masturbate-a-thon.com/

 

I didn’t realize the word was used so much in the movie.  So what was so bad about “Scarface”?

 

http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1700131/

 

Our next elected official, probably…

 

http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=475638

 

I thought carrots were supposed to HELP eyesight…

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13922513/

 

When the names “Mr. Winkle” and “Beaver County” appear in the same article, you KNOW it can’t be good…

 

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/06171/699590-57.stm

 

The two Chinese guys from “Better Off Dead” are all grown up now…

 

http://en.ce.cn/National/pic-news/200607/22/t20060722_7828831.shtml

 

The award for “Best Drunkass Of The Year” goes to…

 

http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2006/07/21/1153166555650.html?from=top5

 

There goes half his sex life…

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/07/24/AR2006072401023.html

 

This is definitely for Ike…

 

http://youtube.com/watch?v=6A0rwG39Jzk

 

What else would you do except pop open a sudsie?

 

http://www.ntnews.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,7034,19901909%5E13569,00.html

 

Something tells me that someone needs to try a little decaf…

 

http://www.coastalview.com/center.asp?article=13417

 

I’m in awe…

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/5213238.stm

 

I now introduce the worst weapon ammunition ever.  EVER…

 

http://www.tamponcrafts.com/gun.html

 

Meanwhile, Northwest Airlines introduces their new gourmet food service with their first item – baby chicken…

 

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/07/27/BAGDGK692C1.DTL

 

There’s a joke here.  I just can’t find it…

 

http://www.press-citizen.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060727/NEWS01/607270318

 

“Naked Mafia”?  What kind of things are they doing in camps these days?  I mean, whatever happened to “Naked Ice Cream Truck Driver”?

 

http://www.tribune-democrat.com/local/local_story_210165721.html?keyword=topstory

19 July 2006

Hey, I got an idea… drive them into the jungle, open the doors, and let them out…

 

http://www.itv.com/news/index_1142569.html

 

Hamburger Helper helps her hamburger help her make a great meal…

 

http://www.ogrish.com/archives/woman_who_cooked_victim_appeals_sentence_Jul_02_2006.html

 

Rednecks in love…

 

http://www.greenbaypressgazette.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?Date=20060706&Category=GPG0101&ArtNo=607060569&Ref=AR&located=FLASH

 

Ah, lawyer mentality.  By the same rationale, if I burn a nursing home down and save a few old people, I’m a hero, too, right?

 

http://freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060707/NEWS05/607070302

 

I’m pissed I missed the regionals at Squaw Valley, but there’s still time to book my flight for the World Championships.  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

 

http://www.worldbeardchampionships.com/

 

Good thing they don’t know about the 10 year-old he squat-humped for not buying the magazine he was reading…

 

http://www.wyff4.com/news/9497589/detail.html#

 

I hope he uses the money for nothing good…

 

http://cgi.ebay.com/MY-HANDWRITTEN-JOURNAL-JESUS-CHRIST-APPEARED-TO-ME_W0QQitemZ200004365852QQihZ010QQcategoryZ16710QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

 

Wasn’t this a SNL skit?  “Kill my landlord…  C-I-L-L… my land…lord…”

 

http://www.ohio.com/mld/ohio/15019236.htm

 

One-way ticket to London, please… NOW…

 

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2006320112,00.html

 

$1,424.  Someone bid on this.  ONE THOUSAND, FOUR HUNDRED TWENTY-FOUR DOLLARS…

 

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/Machine-Flies-WITHOUT-ANY-interaction-with-environment_W0QQitemZ190006794351QQihZ009QQcategoryZ63678QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

 

Most high school kids spend their entire 4-year career trying to get a picture like this published in the yearbook…

 

http://www.app.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060624/NEWS01/606240399/1004/NEWS01

25 June 2006

I could stare at this for hours… wait… I just did…

 

http://www.johnsadowski.com/big_spanish_castle.html

 

If he starts throwing feces and jerking off in public, I think he should go off the diet…

 

http://www.angryman.ca/monkey.html

 

Now if they could just brew a beer that will make them shut up for five minutes…

 

http://www.beveragedaily.com/news/ng.asp?n=68117-beer-czech-republic-functional

 

They should just go through my garbage can, they’ll find plenty… er, uh, I mean…

 

http://news.scotsman.com/scotland.cfm?id=826812006

 

Only in the Midwest…

 

http://www.local6.com/news/9341231/detail.html

 

When city planners smoke dope…

 

http://desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060608/NEWS09/606080387/1001

 

Kill me now…

 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/fwd/20060608/en_fashion_fwd/kiss_rocks_on_with_new_fragrance_and_coffeehouse

 

Make them more attractive?  Try some 409 and a paper towel…

 

http://www.bangkokpost.net/breaking_news/breakingnews.php?id=101912

 

Somewhere, a porno is being filmed based on this story…

 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060609/od_nm/germany_sausage_dc;_ylt=AuOh8H5idwpBpN_39B5bgC3tiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTA2Z2szazkxBHNlYwN0bQ--

 

Personally, I would have suggested “One Potato Two Potato”…

 

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/13221673/

 

Just when you thought it was safe to stay out of the water…

 

http://www.local6.com/news/9359763/detail.html

 

Ya know, looking at the picture, she just doesn’t strike me as the crack-smoking, attack-people-with-a-pooper-scooper kinda person…

 

http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=434814

 

If the boys are gonna be swingin’ around, what’s the point in wearing anything at all?

 

http://sacfree.com/index_m.html

 

Sounds like your average NY cab driver…

 

http://www.ogrish.com/archives/man_driving_with_wifes_severed_head_crashes_killing_2_Jun_16_2006.html

 

One extra-large pizza!pizza!, hold the maggots…

 

http://www.citizen-times.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060615/NEWS01/60614070/1149

 

Mmmmmmmmmmmm… how to make a Mickey D’s burger even more of a punch in the heart…

 

http://www.danamania.com/burger/

 

One RV you don’t want to take a trip in…

 

http://articles.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20060615075009990034&cid=2194

 

To serve and protect…

 

http://www.sptimes.com/2006/06/19/Pasco/Clearwater_cop_accuse.shtml

 

Excuse me, I have to go look up “irony” in the dictionary…

 

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/274591_motorcycle20.html

 

Your state leaders tackling the really important issues…

 

http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2006/06/21/the_war_on_fluffernutter_escalates_in_legislature/

 

“And she stole my drugs, too!”

 

http://www.lacrossetribune.com/articles/2006/06/22/news/1news22.txt

 

Dude… that’s not a tail…

 

http://today.reuters.com/news/newsArticle.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyID=2006-06-20T121544Z_01_DEL288962_RTRUKOC_0_US-INDIA-MONKEYGOD.xml

4 June 2006

Finally, a politician who admits he has no idea what he is doing.  Now if the rest of the dumb bastards would just fall in line…

 

http://www.wistv.com/Global/story.asp?S=4928287

 

Way to blend in, buddy…

 

http://www.cbc.ca/bc/story/bc_naked-robber20060518.html

 

Vaughn goes to Oklahoma…

 

http://www.local6.com/news/9264631/detail.html

 

How to make sure that the kids won’t be looking forward to another gift from you.  Ever again…

 

http://amazingtoys.trustpass.alibaba.com/product/11200632/Squeezed_Bloody_Ball_With_Worms_Inside.html

 

Some call him the champ.  I say, “Ha!  Thirteen?  Is THAT the best you could do?”

 

http://www.gazetteextra.com/doughnutcop052706.asp

 

Sales in the Midwest should be hefty…

 

http://jesuspan.com/

 

OK… is anyone thinking what I’m thinking?  More like “Homo Ghost”…

 

http://www.oddballcomics.com/covers/homerghost.jpg

 

You would think she would have chosen a profession that didn’t involve her handling those long, thick hoses… (yes, that was a penis reference)

 

http://citypages.com/databank/27/1330/article14400.asp

 

I… I just don’t know what to say…

 

http://www.wcpo.com/news/2006/local/05/26/vampire.html

 

There HAS to be a better way to prove one’s fidelity…

 

http://www.local6.com/news/9296381/detail.html

 

Dammit, this guy stole my idea…

 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060530/ap_on_fe_st/flare_gun_arrest

 

Michael Jackson now has a political party to which he can relate…

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/5038682.stm

 

Dude, this has got to be some scam on the part of the guys.  And, uh, how do I get in on it?

 

http://menstuff.org/issues/byissue/sleepsex.html

23 May 2006

Maybe they had a fetish for non-opposable thumbs…

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/17/AR2006051702158.html

 

Maybe the dog thought the kid was a ball or a stick…

 

http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_3830657

 

Personally, mine’s in cornrows.  With beads…

 

http://www.dailynorthwestern.com/media/storage/paper853/news/2006/05/18/Play/Pubic.School-2011872.shtml?norewrite200605231738&sourcedomain=www.dailynorthwestern.com

 

Dude, what the hell?  This is the second week in a row.  You girls REALLY need some anger management…

 

http://www.kansas.com/mld/kansas/14611477.htm

 

If you buy #2, you shouldn’t be allowed to live, and if you buy #1, well, I’m NOT shaking your hand…

 

http://www.americaninventorspot.com/node/995

 

Isn’t this why God invented cassette tapes?

 

http://gadgets.qj.net/How-to-Pirate-a-Vinyl-Record/pg/49/aid/39381

 

Funny thing is, this talent seems to be lost on many HUMANS…

 

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,19181433-13762,00.html

 

…and AGAIN… why can’t some people I know exhibit these same traits?

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/4996942.stm

18 May 2006

I think as part of her sentence, she should allow her boss full access to EVERYTHING she used the money for…

 

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2006/05/10/national/a151015D85.DTL&type=bondage

 

A good butcher would have made sausages…

 

http://wcbstv.com/topstories/local_story_130180235.html

 

Maybe we should open a “Towelhead Pigfucker Park” in retaliation…

 

http://www.news24.com/News24/World/News/0,,2-10-1462_1930302,00.html

 

This is why I don’t jog.  Well, one reason…

 

http://news.independent.co.uk/world/americas/article364604.ece

 

IWANNAGOIWANNAGOIWANNAGOOHCANIPLEASEGOHUHHUHCANICANIHUH?

 

http://www.thrillist.com/archives/2006/05/porn_camp.html

 

I’m waiting for the life-sized version…

 

http://cgi.ebay.com/Sexy-jailbird-teacher-Pamela-Rogers-action-figure-ooak_W0QQitemZ9519639865QQcategoryZ1469QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

 

Vaughn, where were you last Thursday?

 

http://www.newsrecord.org/media/storage/paper693/news/2006/05/11/News/In.Brief.Woman.Finds.Semen.In.Shoe.After.Sleeping.In.Langsam-1983897.shtml?norewrite200605181241&sourcedomain=www.newsrecord.org

 

And the award for “Offspring Of The Year” goes to…

 

http://www.nj.com/news/jjournal/index.ssf?/base/news-2/1147857202191950.xml&coll=3

 

Another reason to despise the Scottsdale (Arizona) City Council…

 

http://www.local6.com/news/9221835/detail.html

 

Two parts.  I thought there only WERE two parts.  I mean, I can check, hang on…

http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=local&id=4183089

12 May 2006

Why can’t I think of anything funny for this?

 

http://www.aftenposten.no/english/local/article1310753.ece

 

Wasn’t this in a “Family Guy” episode?

 

http://store.yahoo.com/toylounge/smokingbaby.html

 

Unfortunately the Saudi man’s last name wasn’t “bin Laden”…

 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/oukoe_uk_saudi_penis;_ylt=Al75AgCUMdvhnLAMXnQNuAXtiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTA5aHJvMDdwBHNlYwN5bmNhdA

 

Define “irony”…

 

http://morningsentinel.mainetoday.com/news/local/2715034.shtml

 

Ideal for a 6 lb. roast or (2) 3 lb. chickens.  Or, whatever tasty critters you find in the backyard.  Yes, that was a knock against NASCAR fans…

 

http://www.rivalproducts.com/estore/product.aspx?CatalogId=5&CategoryId=1773&ProductId=1116

 

I don’t know what’s better… the concept or the theme song…

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnXZuKKyZ3Y

 

He’ll probably march for immigration reform, too…

 

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/custom/newsroom/chi-060511monkey-newgenus,1,6238942.story?coll=chi-news-hed&ctrack=1&cset=true

 

Further evidence that he is Jason – he just won’t die…

 

http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5478,19096455%255E2902,00.html

 

And all this time, I’ve been paying escorts premium cash to do this to them…

 

http://www.consumerist.com/consumer/oozinator/the-oozinator-delights-children-170588.php

 

If the law of supply and demand holds true, you’ll be paying more for monkey meat this summer…

 

http://www.kfmb.com/story.php?id=49159

 

Note to self:  Get friend to sign informed consent form before hitting friend with car…  (again, the Midwest, how… surprising…)

 

http://nwitimes.com/articles/2006/05/09/news/top_news/335e834eee40620786257169001aad69.txt

 

The thing that surprises me is that there’s a demand for ordering these.  I always thought a tree and a rope would suffice…

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/suffolk/4754515.stm

6 May 2006

Personally, I think we should probably concern ourselves with the HUMANS that don’t have human rights first…

 

http://www.spainherald.com/3438.html

 

Ah, this is so reminiscent of “This Is Spinal Tap”: 

Marty:  And he was replaced by...uh....
David:  Stumpy Joe - Eric Stumpy Joe Childs.
Marty:  What happened to Stumpy Joe?
Derek:  Well, uh, it's not a very pleasant story...but, uh, he died...
        uh...he choked on...the ac- the official explanation was he 
        choked on vomit.
David:  He passed away.
Nigel:  It was actually, was actually someone else's vomit. It's not....
David:  It's ugly.
Nigel:  You know.  There's no real....
Derek:  You know they can't prove whose vomit it was...they don't
        have the facilities at Scotland Yard....
David:  You can't print, there's no way to print a spectra-photograph...
Nigel:  You can't really dust for vomit.

 

http://www.thehawkeye.com/daily/stories/ln19_0424.html

 

Next task:  See how many times he can type, “I can’t wait to die,” until he actually, well, you know, dies…

 

http://www.recordholders.org/en/records/typing.html

 

Iraq we won’t retreat… New Orleans, however…

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/02/AR2006050201172_pf.html

 

Somehow, I see this being a disaster in the summertime.  You know, the power conks out, the AC goes off…  like Willy Wonka’s nightmare…

 

http://www.foodisart.co.uk/foodisart.html

 

Women of the world, you are on notice:  your days are numbered…

(nice side note:  But the robot is still incapable of moving its lower half.  Just like most women I’ve dated…)

 

http://english.chosun.com/w21data/html/news/200605/200605040016.html

 

Somehow, I’m not surprised – at all – in the least – that this story comes from the Midwest…

 

http://desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060505/NEWS08/605050365/1001

 

So, who are 15 of the most desperate men in America?

 

http://detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060503/METRO/605030363/1003/METRO

26 April 2006

“Why was he allowed to be a friggin’ idiot?  I want answers!  Someone else should pay for his stupidity!”…

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/south_yorkshire/4918538.stm

 

Curry, I could see having a website against.  But cilantro?

 

http://www.ihatecilantro.com/

 

Just when you think, “Why doesn’t one of ‘em just…”, one of ‘em does it.  And that makes it funny…

 

http://www3.youtube.com/watch?v=IV_e_knw1zo&search=police%20policia%20japonesa%20japoneses%20darth%20vader%20dark%20star%20wars%20guerra%20galaxias%20japansk%20jap%20japanese%20comedy%20funny%20round%20vs

 

It is a good, yet sad, thing that I don’t have to worry about whether or not I need to invest in these…

 

http://forgetmenotpanties.contagiousmedia.org/about.html

 

OK, maybe I’m a dick, but is anyone – ANYONE – surprised of what states are at the TOP of the list?

 

http://www.statemaster.com/graph-T/hea_ora_hea_los_of_nat_tee

 

Or, you can just twist their neck around.  They seem to move and scratch and bite much less after that…

 

http://www.vetmed.wsu.edu/ClientEd/cat_restraint.asp

 

There are so many things I can say here, but I won’t…

 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060420/od_nm/breasts_dc;_ylt=ApM8O2rctYWU18ZuY0Er.HcSH9EA;_ylu=X3oDMTA5aHJvMDdwBHNlYwN5bmNhdA--

 

The sad thing is…  I could actually see someone making this movie…

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nva-KM_lu2I&feature=Views&page=1&t=t&f=b---

 

For parents-to-be…

 

http://www.tomsmithonline.com/comedy/thing_in_the_crib.htm

 

I knew it…  I knew it I knew it I knew it…  I knew those burgers tasted funny…

 

http://www.mcmurder.com/mcsecret/index.html

 

I get the feeling that whenever she sneezes, she gives herself a wedgie…

 

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/S/SMUGGLED_GRENADE?SITE=MTBIL&SECTION=STRANGE&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

 

The best backpack.  Ever…

 

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=9509564828#ebayphotohosting

19 April 2006

I was hoping this would help me hedge my bets when I say, “Yeah, that’ll happen when monkeys come out of my butt…”

 

http://www.trailhorseadventures.com/tha_cc/index.php?cat_id=57

 

“To operate the assembly, the operator places the inlet tube with its valve open adjacent his anal region from which a colonic gas is discharged. The piston is then withdrawn to a degree producing a negative pressure to inhale the gas into the combustion chamber to intermix with the air therein to create a combustible mixture. The ignitor is then activated to explode the mixture in the chamber and fire the missile into space.”  DAMMIT, beaten to the patent office AGAIN…

 

http://patft.uspto.gov/netacgi/nph-Parser?u=/netahtml/srchnum.htm&Sect1=PTO1&Sect2=HITOFF&p=1&r=1&l=50&f=G&d=PALL&s1=6055910.WKU.&OS=PN/6055910&RS=PN/6055910

 

Somehow, he seems to have created much more work than if he had just heated up the sandwiches himself…

 

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/ap/nation/3793987.html

 

Time to scar the children for life…

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OyDHyyB3TRs

 

It’s nice that someone went through the time to put this together, but my question is, when did “hates Spiderman” become a religious affiliation?

 

http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/comic_book_religion.html

 

Unfortunately this defense doesn’t carry over to other charges.  I tried using it on a parking ticket and still had to pay the fine…

 

http://www.northjersey.com/page.php?qstr=eXJpcnk3ZjcxN2Y3dnFlZUVFeXkzJmZnYmVsN2Y3dnFlZUVFeXk2OTE1NTcw

 

When NOT to brag about your sexual, uh, “escapades”…

 

http://www.marieclaire.co.uk/reports/The_men_who_have_sex_with_dolls_article_83159.html

 

It may be safer than practicing on a live patient, but it does ruin the game of “Who gets the placenta?”…

 

http://apnews.myway.com//article/20060415/D8H0JDA82.html

12 April 2006

Note to self:  don’t tell the prostitute I don’t have any money on me until AFTER my penis is safely clear of her mouth…

 

http://www.postchronicle.com/news/strange/article_21212803.shtml

 

Some may consider this extremely cute.  Some, extremely gay.  Others, somewhat disturbing.  Me, I’ll take doors number 1, 2, AND 3…

 

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/eggsong

 

Yes, yes, at least one of you is wondering, “I wonder if they tried to haggle on the bail…”

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/05/nyregion/05protest.html?_r=1&hp&ex=1144296000&en=28f49bd0ef036f26&ei=5094&partner=homepage&oref=slogin

 

At first I thought, “Who wouldn’t want a mom that went with you to solicit prostitutes?”  But… Transvestites?  I mean, I know it’s secondary to the whole story, but… transvestites?

 

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/04/05/BAGASI3GLV1.DTL

 

Once again, Canada is ahead of us in government thinking…

 

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=94327

 

Do they get a discount on the funeral?  I mean, everyone’s already there, just need an extra box…

 

http://suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-funeral05.html

 

Again I say… how come this never happened when I went to high school?  (More the first two years, not so much the last two went I went to an all-boys high school)…

 

http://www.wltx.com/news/news19.aspx?storyid=36763

 

I can’t think of anything else I would have done if I were in the monkey’s position…

 

http://www.thespeciousreport.com/2003_monkeypoo.html

4 April 2006

Oooohoooohiwantitiwantitiwantitpleasemybirthdayiscomingupooooohgimmegimmegimme…

 

http://www.go-t-rex.com/

 

I don’t know, is it worth the quarter to get him back out?

 

http://www.startribune.com/462/story/335148.html

 

One thing I’m glad the article doesn’t mention is what he used to shift gears…

 

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/story.cfm?c_id=1&ObjectID=10374228

 

With just the ever-so-slightest change in a few key points of this article, this could be really, REALLY FUNNY…

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/4769700.stm

 

Did anyone in the house consider the option of cutting back on his food just a wee bit?

 

http://www.local6.com/family/8228622/detail.html#

 

Sorry Sanja, you’re from the dumbest country in Europe…

 

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-2105519,00.html

 

And the “Dumbest Man of the Month Award” for March goes to…

 

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=16851334&method=full&siteid=94762&headline=dad-boiled-in-fetish-suit--name_page.html

 

WARNING:  Extended viewing of the pages of this website will result in your never getting laid ever again…

 

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Wookieepedia

 

Somewhere, I hear Stephen King’s keyboard clicking away…

 

http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=479

 

I think the stock would be greatly improved by a beer holder…

 

http://www.remington.com/products/firearms/special_runs/model_597_earnhardt_combo.asp

 

Most (sane, not fucked up, not retarded) people would just step on it…

 

http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/nudists-spiderkilling-stunt-backfires/2006/04/02/1143916403846.html

27 March 2006

One more reason I’ll never leave the house again…

 

http://www.limbsandthings.com/uk/products.php?sectid=DiagnosticSkills&id=60100

 

“Hey Charlie… what is it that ain’t exactly water, and it ain’t exactly earth…”

 

http://www.kwtx.com/home/headlines/2498371.html

 

I love old people… so much wisdom… so much patience…

 

http://news.cincinnati.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060321/NEWS01/603210334/-1/CINCI

 

The litmus test for when you should kill yourself and spare the rest of humanity from having to contemplate the possibility of your DNA infecting the gene pool of the general populace…

 

http://www.googleidol.com/

 

Irony at its finest…

 

http://www.news25.us/Global/story.asp?S=4659867

 

OK, let’s get a pool going.  First day two people get caught fucking in one… first day someone clogs one up (it will probably be me, too)… first day one ends up being stolen…

 

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/402270p-340628c.html

 

There has to be a point where people who come up with legislation bullshit like this should be neutered/spayed so they don’t pollute the gene pool further…

 

http://www.right-to-ride.org/

 

This one could be fun…

 

http://erasing.org/lightfeet/

20 March 2006

It’s nice to know that not only is this another example of how inept the average government airport worker is (and the agency in question), but that something like this is considered “no big deal.”  Remember that next time you get on a plane…

 

http://suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-midway08.html

 

In a related story, I’m sure the 13-year old girl is happy she WASN’T home when he came a-knockin’…

 

http://www.azcentral.com/community/mesa/articles/0306mesa-official.html

 

207th richest guy in the world… first thing I’d do if I were him… apply for a name change to… ANYTHING ELSE…

 

http://www.forbes.com/lists/2006/10/7XUE.html

 

Can’t believe she didn’t get off the tracks when the train blew its horn…

 

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/03/14/beauty.queen.death.ap/index.html

 

Heaven… sheer heaven…

 

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/05124/498674.stm

 

I’ll have the “Cowboy Leg Beautiful Pole” and the “Sydney and White tree fungus braise pig heart” soup.  Yummy…

 

http://www.rahoi.com/2006/03/may-i-take-your-order.php

 

Luckily it was his own penis.  If it was someone else’s that’d be weird…

 

http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-ouch17.html

 

My next legal defense…

 

http://www.courttv.com/trials/news/0605/24_krause_ctv.html

 

Damn… just too late for the Torino games…

 

http://www.gamesarcade.net/free-online-games/curling/default.asp

 

Or, you could just have someone punch you right in the heart…

 

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2362369

5 March 2006

It’s not the “Autonomous Unmanned Ground Vehicle” that is the reason I am putting up this link.  It’s the disclaimer when you click on the “Press Release” link.  I think everyone should use this disclaimer.  For everything.  I mean EVERYTHING.  Because nothing says “customer confidence” like a disclaimer that says basically, “If it doesn’t work, it’s everyone’s fault but ours”…

 

http://www.irobot.com/sp.cfm?pageid=141

 

Fun With Artwork…

 

http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=404718

 

He should be given the chair simply for wrecking a Ferrari…  (Jim, back me up on this)

 

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-ferrari28feb28,0,3986184.story?coll=la-home-headlines

 

Funny thing is, government housing in THIS country isn’t any better.  Problem is, the country in the article is SWAZILAND, not the most powerful nation on Earth…

 

http://www.observer.org.sz/main.asp?id=18388&Section=main

 

Just look for the horse running down the track on five legs…

 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/italy/story/0,,1719715,00.html

 

More evidence of natural selection…

 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/italy/story/0,,1719715,00.html

 

"American girls are just such a pain in the ass," Bobby says. "It's like every place you go is a lesbian bar. There's no difference between straight girls and lesbian girls; you wind up dancing alone because they're all dancing together."  Amen, brother.  Amen…

 

http://www.westword.com/Issues/2006-03-02/news/feature.html

 

YES!  Because all these years I’ve thought, “You know what was missing from Gallagher shows?  Heavy metal.”

 

http://2006.sxsw.com/music/showcases/band/4970.html

 

For those of you that are too lazy to throw a ball for your dog…

 

http://buygodoggo.com/

 

And really, who could blame them?

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2006/02/08/wsent08.xml&sSheet=/news/2006/02/08/ixworld.html

 

The “Messages To Aliens” is fine, as long as the aliens read English…  (according to the online counter, a cow was abducted while I looked at the site.  Somehow I feel responsible.  Besides, that’s hundreds of cheeseburgers stolen from the mouths of children.  Damn aliens!!)

 

http://www.cowabduction.com/

 

Any story that has an exploding toilet and a family with the last name “Colon” HAS to be funny somehow…

 

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/03/01/exploding_toilet/

27 February 2006

The scariest thing about this is that they had to pass a law to tell people that they shouldn’t do this.  Some people just have no horse sense, if you ask me… (pun definitely, unequivocally, and without fear of repercussion intended)

 

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=30811

 

I like monkeys, I like dogs, but what about monkeys riding dogs?

 

http://www.freeinfosociety.com/coppermine/displayimage.php?album=14&pos=17

 

If you’re a horse, this just ain’t your week…

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2006/02/17/wfood17.xml

 

This is either really funny, or… or it’s not.

 

http://www.himonkey.net/cooking/index.html

11 February 2006

Ah, second grade.  An innocent time of youth, where the world is as fresh and new as… oh, what the hell, just hang the little bastards.  Wonder how many people were on the firing squad for passing notes during class…

 

http://www.nj.com/news/ledger/jersey/index.ssf?/base/news-2/1139554634111310.xml&coll=1

 

I can’t get away with wearing white socks to work, this guy thought no pants would be a good idea?  Hmmm… maybe I should try that tonight…

 

http://www.keynoter.com/articles/2006/02/08/news/news09.txt

 

Somehow, I think, as I’m plummeting through the wild blue yonder toward the planet, I don’t think I’m going to be able to remember these rules.  I might be somewhat distracted by the fear of imminent death, not to mention the trail of doodie that will undoubtedly expel itself from my person…

 

http://www.greenharbor.com/fffolder/carkeet.html

 

“Doc, I have a headache.”  “Sir, it’s a tumor, we’ll have to amputate.”  Certain things are worth a second opinion.  Or, maybe more than two minutes in a doctor’s office…

 

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2006060191,00.html

 

Here’s my argument – kill all politicians…

 

http://legis.state.nm.us/Sessions/03%20Regular/bills/house/HB0766.html

 

The CIA maintains that the panties were being investigated for possible terrorist threats, seeing as how they always hang out with bearded, smelly individuals…

(And yes, I made that up on the spot, and no, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me…)

 

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/02/08/MNGPSH4RFQ1.DTL

 

Another from the “Wish I’d Thought of This First” file…

 

http://www.jesuspets.com/

 

Uh… does anyone (Paducah) see anything about this article (Columbine) that looks in any way just completely fucking retarded?

 

http://www.sheboygan-press.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060207/SHE0101/602070419/1062

 

Gee, just by looking at the picture, I can’t POSSIBLY IMAGINE why someone wouldn’t take up this woman’s offer for sex…

 

http://www.modbee.com/local/story/4828184p-5841435c.html

 

The poster boy for better internet connections in dorm rooms… (How awesome is it that it happened at Arizona State?  GO DEVILS!  WOOOOOO!)

 

http://www.statepress.com/issues/2006/02/02/news/695542

 

Just like that scene in “A Christmas Story,” but a whole lot worse…

 

http://web.orange.co.uk/news/story/sm_738078.html

 

Next up:  Osama promotes American Airlines, and Winchester sponsors the anniversary of the Columbine school shooting…

 

http://www.silive.com/news/advance/index.ssf?/base/news/1138894483100760.xml&coll=1

 

Some people would think it a coincidence.  Some would imagine that there is some rational explanation.  Me, when I get hit with shit right out of the sky, I just think, “Hmmm…  must be Saturday…”

 

http://www.mlive.com/news/sanews/index.ssf?/base/news-3/1138807284301690.xml&coll=9

 

Unfortunately, the bull didn’t exact complete revenge on the people in the stands before the end of the incident.  Coincidentally, Taco Bell announces new menu items…

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4663646.stm

 

Ten more reasons why I’m going to continue to prefer girls…

(Not that there was ever any real reason to switch to the Dark Side in the first place…)

 

http://www.ironhymen.com/boysprivates.asp

 

I think this is the one who gave me a ticket for walking my dog without a leash…

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11045681/?GT1=7538

 

And now, another episode of “Those Whacky Japs!”

 

http://www.crisscross.com/jp/kuchikomi/392/all

 

27 January 2006

 

There is a website that posts The Phobia List - a list of what I can only assume is every phobia that anyone has ever exhibited ever ever ever on the planet ever.  And while I won't bore you with the entire list, allow me to bore you with a few of my favorites:

 

Aeronausiphobia — vomiting secondary to airsickness:  OK, so puking on the ground is OK, but up in the air, it scares you?  Wouldn't it be funny if it scared you so much it made you throw up?

 

Agateophobia — insanity or becoming insane:  I don't think this is a fear.  Who walks around saying, "God, I love crazy people.  SO much, in fact, I want to become one."

 

Agraphobia — sexual abuse:  Again, is this REALLY a fear?

 

Alliumphobia — opinions or beliefs:  Personally, I think it's a stupid phobia.  SCARED YET?!?!?!

 

Anablephobia — looking up:  Is there one for looking down?  Because that scares the shit out of me.  "Holy shit!  It's still so small!"

 

Anuptaphobia — staying single:  This is my ex-wife's disease.  That, and fear of being happy and fear of being sane.

 

Ballistophobia — missiles or bullets:  Does that include if they are being aimed at you?

 

Barophobia — gravity:  That must suck...

 

Bolshephobia — Bolsheviks:  So stay away from the time machine and the November 1918 dial.

 

Caligynephobia — beautiful women:  One I hope I never ever ever ever fucking ever catch.

 

Cardiophobia — the heart:  What fuckin' choice do you have?

 

Coitophobia — coitus, sex, or sexual intercourse:  Again, hope I never get it.

 

Cometophobia — comets:  Also called Gobacktothethirteenthcenturyaphobia.

 

Defecaloesiophobia — painful bowels movements:  You serious?  Psychiatrist:  "Do you like painful bowel movements?"  Patient:  "No."  Psychiatrist:  "Hmmm... sounds like a phobia to me."

 

Dextrophobia — objects at the right side of the body:  As evidenced by anyone who jerks off left-handed.

 

Didaskaleinophobia — going to school:  This isn't a fear.  If it is, every human being has it.

 

Dishabiliophobia — undressing in front of someone:  Also called Wowamianuglyfatfuckaphobia.

 

Epistemophobia — knowledge:  The phobia suffered by just about every girl I've ever met.

 

Ergophobia — work:  Again - not a phobia, everyone has it.

 

Euphobia — hearing good news:  "Good news!  You have Euphobia!"

 

Geumaphobia — taste.  Just eat my ex-wife's cooking, your fear will go away.  (I know, a second swipe at the old battle axe.  Pshaw on me.)

 

Hierophobia — priests or sacred things:  Usually suffered by ten year old boys, also called Stayawayfrommyassaphobia.

 

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia — long words:  How ironic.

 

Levophobia — things to the left side of the body:  If I had this and Dextrophobia, I'd have no sex life...

 

Medorthophobia — an erect penis; Megalophobia — large things; Melanophobia — the color black:  I think it's just funny that these three are right next to each other...

 

Nephophobia — clouds:  Who's ever been attacked by a cloud?

 

Papaphobia — the Pope:  After all these years, Sinead O'Connor is finally vindicated.

 

Parthenophobia — virgins or young girls:  Part 3 of the "Hope I Never Get" Phobia Series.

 

Proctophobia — rectums:  I don't know.  Really.  There HAS to be something funny to say.  Why am I drawing a blank?

 

Psellismophobia — stuttering:  T-th-th-this one is j-j-j-just s-s-st-stoo-stoo... dumb.

 

Walloonphobia — the Walloons:  Are you kidding?  Southern Belgium has its own phobia?  Wow.

 

Zemmiphobia — the great mole rat:  This means you have a persistent fear of being eaten by... yup, you guessed it... The Great Mole Rat.  There are no illustrations of it, because I can only assume that it has eaten whoever has seen it.  Remember when we used to just call these people "fuckin whackjobs"?

 

26 January 2006

 

“Is That Gay?”…

 

http://www.kraftfoods.com/om/bn/c_Games/games_Whistle.htm

 

One e-card you really don’t want to get…

 

http://www.inspot.org/

 

This really is the best blonde joke ever.  If you don’t get it, well, I don’t know what to say…  (follow the links)

 

http://weblog.burningbird.net/2006/01/12/the-joke-is/

 

The rest of us just get a hotel.  Or stay at a friend’s house.  Or throw HER out…

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/4643678.stm

 

I don’t know why.  I mean, I admit technology has invaded just about every aspect of our lives.  But USB slippers?  If anyone reads Japanese, please enlighten me…

 

http://www.thanko.jp/usbslippers_dual/index.html

 

Well, it stopped the hiccups…

 

http://www.ketv.com/news/6426207/detail.html

 

I’ll be making my own little chocolate chips soon…

 

http://www.aversion.com/news/news_article.cfm?news_id=5737

 

Oh, it’s OK.  He thought he was in the women’s section, not the girls’ section.  Simple misunderstanding…

 

http://www.timesnews.net/article.dna?_StoryID=3593240

 

But he WASN’T charged with assault because of the two black eyes… interesting…

 

http://www.local6.com/news/6269438/detail.html

 

19 January 2006

 

Next in line for a name change is Stoo Pidd Kunt…

 

http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-namechange16.html

 

And the “What the FUCK?!?!” lawsuit of the week goes to…

 

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1988954,00.html

 

I know that there is something really funny to say about this, but it has yet to gel in my mind…

 

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=16570354&method=full&siteid=94762&headline=glue-sniff-monkeys--name_page.html

 

More “Monkey Madness”…

 

http://www.columbusdispatch.com/news-story.php?story=160316

 

…and parrot sales to men skyrocket on the news…

 

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/01/17/uk.parrot/index.html

 

Similarly, I would like God to personally apologize to everyone I have ever offended, because if he hadn’t put this mouth thing on my face, I never would have been able to say anything…

 

http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB113751573975848680-4aKRm9buA04dB2KhorxXsqpWI1U_20070118.html?mod=tff_main_tff_top

 

Hate your neighbors?  Imagine living next to this guy?

 

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2006/01/19/MNGK3GPM6J1.DTL

 

He buried the bones “and other non-edibles.”  Doesn’t he know what a good stock they make?

 

http://www.365gay.com/Newscon06/01/011606cannibal.htm

 

I’m not really sure, I mean, 1990 was, what, like, 37 years ago (the batteries ran out in my abacus, I can’t do the math), but I’m pretty sure any male over the age of nine wearing any of this would pretty much be signing the “beat the living shit out of me” warrant…

 

http://progressiveboink.com/archive/nintendocat/1.htm

26 December 2005

Is there such a thing as too much cute?  (Angela, you’ll like the last one)…

 

http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/

 

Now cooks in greasy spoons across the U.S. can defile sent-back orders with ease…

 

http://rarediseases.about.com/od/rarediseases1/a/062004.htm

 

Some say the bottle was “half-empty.”  I say the liver was “half-full.”  Who’s right?  We may never know…

 

http://www.thewesterlysun.com/articles/2005/12/14/news/news5.txt

 

HAH!  See?  And you all laugh at me when I use the term “making monkeyface”!  Apparently, girls, you LIKE “monkeyface”!

 

http://www.seedmagazine.com/news/2005/10/girls_gone_wildfor_monkeys.php

 

“Dude, the trees, they’re like…. sooooooooooooo green.  I think it took me an hour to fly from the tree next door.  I’m soooooooooooooo wasted right now…”

 

http://www.nbc-2.com/articles/readarticle.asp?articleid=5232&z=3&p

 

Because I’ve always wondered this…

 

http://johnmm.bol.ucla.edu/sexualphysics/ejaculate.htm

 

I got an 8 out of 11.  I’m impressive and ready for world travel.  Too bad a few hundreds didn’t come out of the floppy drive so I could have some MONEY to travel…

 

http://www.fekids.com/img/kln/flash/DontGrossOutTheWorld.swf

 

AIDS, syphilis, Maple Syrup Urine Disease… these go without cures.  But scientists have figured out spoons.  Yes, your research grant dollars hard at work…

 

http://today.reuters.co.uk/news/NewsArticle.aspx?type=scienceNews&storyID=2005-12-23T001539Z_01_KRA300897_RTRIDST_0_SCIENCE-LIFE-SPOONS-DC.XML

12 December 2005

“Police were still trying to… determine why he jumped.”  How about this:  he was a fucking whackjob.  Sometimes in life, the simplest answers are the right ones…

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/11/22/AR2005112201207.html

 

You know, I love paintball, but those guns just aren’t big enough.  What I need is a… er… maybe a paintball TANK!  Yeah!  Fuckin’ A YEAH!!!

 

http://www.armoredfistpaintball.com/home.htm

 

Finally, a medication to treat being gay.  (For some reason, I just can’t think of anything truly witty for this one, which blows – no pun intended – because if there’s one of these that deserve it, it’s this one…)

 

http://www.hetracil.com/

 

Hey, John and Jim!  Recognize any of these guys?  Because no one else sure the hell will…

 

http://schools.cbe.ab.ca/b240/calindex.html

 

If you have a Mac, this should be fun.  I don’t.  Damn it…

 

http://bricksmith.sourceforge.net/

 

Meal for two: $475.  Somehow, this makes high-class escorts seem reasonably priced by comparison…

 

http://www.villagevoice.com/nyclife/0548,sietsema,70437,15.html

 

Wal-Mart – where white trash meets punk…

 

http://toiletpaperonline.typepad.com/the_blog/2005/11/walmart_dance_p.html

 

Those who failed the machine’s test were given high doses of Hetracil…

 

http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=225

 

Now I know what to do with all those dead hookers I have stashed under the bed.  Daddy’s eatin’ like a king tonight!!!

 

http://www.monmouth.com/~hgreen/munchy.html

 

Something I hope that I NEVER see on the table at Thanksgiving.  Or, for that matter, anytime ever during my life.  Or after I die.

 

http://www.hormel.com/kitchen/recipe.asp?id=988

 

Shitty technology…

 

http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/news/articles/1205ruelas05.html

 

Magazine covers from the future… whoa… Dakota Fanning was PRESIDENT?!?!?

 

http://www.magazine.org/readon/

 

Thankfully, a new advent calendar.  I always liked them, but what do you do with them on December 2nd after you ate all the candy on the 1st?  One piece per day my butt…

 

http://www.mistletoeandmeat.com/

 

“Look Mommy, Santa brought the North Pole with him!”

 

http://www.theunionleader.com/article.aspx?headline=Bad%20Santa%20drops%20pants%20at%20mall&articleId=ea98e6ae-b942-4651-97c7-b0a96baae0fe

 

“Yes, we love that you are trying to promote AIDS awareness for gays and lesbians, but does it have to be… well… so GAY?”

 

http://news.bostonherald.com/localRegional/view.bg?articleid=115697

 

Every toy has a time and place.  For this one that time and place is 1984…

 

http://www.entertainmentearth.com/prodinfo.asp?number=EM11002

 

Note to self:  don’t fuck any more monkeys…

 

http://www.scienceblog.com/cms/performing_monkeys_in_asia_carry_viruses_that_could_jump_species_to_humans_9445

26 October 2005

Now, if Charlize Theron would just fall out of the sky and land in my lap, we’d be getting somewhere…

 

http://stpetersburgtimes.com/2005/10/20/Tampabay/Driver_goes_3_miles_w.shtml

 

I can attest to this.  I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art about five years ago, and after four hours I could just shit myself I was so bored, so I KNOW for a FACT that there is validity to this…

 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20051014/od_afp/afplifestylearthealthoffbeat_051014141429;_ylt=AmNpMvR9pUGtgI7l8ROaEMWgOrgF;_ylu=X3oDMTBiMW04NW9mBHNlYwMlJVRPUCUl

 

Now, the reason I have put this link here is NOT because I have something funny to say about it… and NOT because it’s a great article… the reason I am putting this link here is for the irony.  The London Free Press wants to charge $10 (yes, dollars, not pounds, because they’re based in Canada, which isn’t part of England last I checked, and isn’t even close)… the FREE Press wants to CHARGE… for an article about the world’s longest nipple hair.  No, I am not kidding.  What’s probably even more ironic and infinitely sadder is that, at some point today, someone will pony up the sawbuck to read it…

 

http://lfpress.ca/newsstand/News/Local/2005/10/13/1260038-sun.html

 

Space?  I’m still trying to figure out how to fart here on terra firma without potential disaster…

 

http://english.people.com.cn/200510/14/eng20051014_214307.html

 

Another sign that the apocalypse is upon us… (I’m holding out for the Richard Gere model)

 

http://www.realhamster.com/

 

So let’s see, it’s 5:47, so I can’t park… no, wait… I CAN, until, er, 4 o’clock, but… aw shit, just ticket me now…

 

 

20 October 2005

 

I knew it, I knew it, it’s coming… the era of Caesar and Cornelius and Dr. Zaius.  It starts with nuts, next thing between those rocks is your nuts.  Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!

 

http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/africa/10/18/nutcracking.gorillas.ap/index.html

 

“Mommy, that man’s bringing us a hot dog.”  “That’s no hot dog!”

 

http://www.wgal.com/news/5056040/detail.html

 

First, the contest…

 

http://www.drdino.com/articles.php?spec=67&kws=250,000

 

And now, my entry…

 

What, oh WHAT to spend that quarter-mil on… 

 

(To all you high-and-mighty so-right-you’re-not-even-on-the-map Republicans:  kinda funny how the guy who coined “intelligent design” (a) shows a great propensity to be the polar opposite of the first part of that phrase, and (b) is the poster child for evolution.  Now give me my two-fifty large, I have to go buy some new socks.)

 

9 October 2006

 

Maybe someone, following the theme, could open a nice outdoor café at Treblinka.  “Our special today is water and a slice of bread, followed by a nice shower.  Towels and soap are on the left.  Don’t mind the cargo truck by the back door.  One lucky diner each week gets a free medical exam from Dr. Josef Mengele…”

 

http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/BKK6585.htm

 

The bad part was that the goat was a minor (the poor kid)…

 

http://www.int.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=15&art_id=qw1128440161176B263

 

I could go on and on and on and on and on and… er, where was I?  Oh yeah… another example of airlines blaming the government for being assholes.  As if the government doesn’t have enough to be assholes about already…

 

http://money.cnn.com/2005/10/06/news/fortune500/southwest_shirt/index.htm?cnn=yes

 

For the same price, he could have a studio apartment on the Upper East Side, with a bee-YOO-tiful view of… uh… the fire escape across the alley…

 

http://www.mytelus.com/travel/article.do?pageID=home&articleID=2048615elvis

 

Dear God!  A lawyer with questionable ethics?  Oh, what has the world come to!

 

http://www.slingshot.org/?p=135

 

The Monty Python skit “Putting Things On Top Of Other Things” incarnate…

 

http://www.rock-on-rock-on.com/

 

“Seinfeld” may be long over, but this… shirt… thing… still lives on…

 

http://www.internationalmale.com/product.asp?product=CA191LWHITEzz&dept%5Fid=10020&An=101&A=&Au=RollupKey%22

 

Great, I’m stuck inside a water bottle, and the only thing to read is the back cover of a book written in German.  Another example of people having waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands…  (and yes, me sending this e-mail also qualifies…)

 

http://www.vrway.com/vrmag_issue_22_hotlist_fullscreen/fullscreen/VR000007222.html

 

Cow 2, Dogs zero.  My question is, how low on the photojournalistic totem pole do you have to be to be doing this?  Iraq, New Orleans, Afghanistan, none of these things are of great import, you’re out there taking pictures of cows and dogs.  This is one step (maybe a half-step) above sitting at the kitchen table taking a picture of a potato that looks like the Virgin Mary…

 

http://www.livejournal.com/users/drugoi/1468288.html?thread=29096832

 

1 October 2005

 

I know what to get my niece for Christmas…

 

http://www.stupid.com/stat/TTTR.html

 

The thing I find most amazing is that he was able to run and… well, do THAT… at the same time.  Some people can’t walk and chew gum at the same time…

 

http://www.9news.com/acm_news.aspx?OSGNAME=KUSA&IKOBJECTID=6fc5acec-0abe-421a-0131-3aabfa70ade7&TEMPLATEID=0c76dce6-ac1f-02d8-0047-c589c01ca7bf#9News

 

My question is, when do “Rocky Mountain Oysters” become an endangered… well, not species, but… you know…

 

http://www.journal-advocate.com/Stories/0,1413,120~7824~3058904,00.html

 

I remember when moms used to just bake cookies to try and be cool…

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9503082/

 

I wonder if he’d sign a knife and a pair of Bruno Maglis…

 

http://news.webindia123.com/news/showdetails.asp?id=124876&cat=Entertainment

 

5 September 2005

 

For the little kid in all of us that likes hitting frogs with baseball bats…

 

http://www.somethingwrong.co.uk/crazy_frog_baseball/

 

You know that there is nothing left for the internet to offer the world when a site exists solely for the purpose of displaying pictures of dogs in bee costumes…

 

http://www.beedogs.com/

 

And from the “This Kind Of Shit Never Happens To Me” Department…

 

http://www.themercury.co.za/index.php?fSectionId=283&fArticleId=2850592

 

Now next, they have to make a “popsicle”-like ice cream, and then watch people holding them up their dogs’ mouths, and then… or am I just going off the deep end on this one?...

 

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/08/23/BUGM1EBLAD1.DTL