Miscellaneous Internet Crap - www.drunkbastard.net

What you will find on this page is news stories, weird websites, and a bunch of other shit. Usually what I do is send this stuff in e-mails to friends. If I find it funny, fucked up, both, or both and then some, it's here. Enjoy.

I have no idea if all of these links work. If they don't, too bad. I can't control what these people keep on their servers and what they delete.

Good, now we can all stop wondering where those “really whacky letter signs” come from. They come from nowhere…

The best part is… this was an “elaborate plan.” To screw a corpse. An ELABORATE PLAN. How friggin’ elaborate did it have to be?

Something to add to the “There’s no way I’d ever be that hungry” file…

If this is true, He’s taking his sweet-ass time making it happen in my little world…

The greatest nugget of knowledge here is: girls fart more than boys. I knew it! Those friggin’ liars…

Then again, he could have five different girls at the same time… question is, how do you decide who gets the thumb?

This… well, let me show you one little “question” and you decide whether to go or not…

I see successful people and want to become like them. I understand that I spend most of my time in masturbation and that they don't and I am willing to take the action to overcome this habit once for all.

If you can’t get a hot nurse at the hospital to give you a tongue bath after this “ordeal,” just kill yourself…

Raspberry-flavored vodka… lemon flavored vodka… orange flavored vodka… but this?

…but really, who can honestly say this has never happened to them? Well, the $3,500 notwithstanding…

After my Motorola V60 incident, I can’t imagine why I wasn’t invited to this…

The subtitle of this article is “The cautionary tale of a janitor, his dildo, a rope and two Samoans.” Some things are just too good in life to make up…

And he will probably win this lawsuit, too. Welcome to the American legal system. Depressing, eh?

Just to prove that the U.S. government can still create cutting-edge web pages that look like they were designed by a retarded four-year-old with a Crayola…

I want to use the words “monkeyface” and “pussy” for this one, and then say that I meant them both in a Puritanical fashion, but after watching the whole thing (twice), I’m not sure I can…

Dude, this is the absolute coolest thing ever… well, maybe for a few seconds…

I didn’t realize the word was used so much in the movie. So what was so bad about “Scarface”?

When the names “Mr. Winkle” and “Beaver County” appear in the same article, you KNOW it can’t be good…

Meanwhile, Northwest Airlines introduces their new gourmet food service with their first item – baby chicken…

“Naked Mafia”? What kind of things are they doing in camps these days? I mean, whatever happened to “Naked Ice Cream Truck Driver”?

Hey, I got an idea… drive them into the jungle, open the doors, and let them out…

Ah, lawyer mentality. By the same rationale, if I burn a nursing home down and save a few old people, I’m a hero, too, right?

I’m pissed I missed the regionals at Squaw Valley, but there’s still time to book my flight for the World Championships. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Good thing they don’t know about the 10 year-old he squat-humped for not buying the magazine he was reading…

Wasn’t this a SNL skit? “Kill my landlord… C-I-L-L… my land…lord…”

Most high school kids spend their entire 4-year career trying to get a picture like this published in the yearbook…

If he starts throwing feces and jerking off in public, I think he should go off the diet…

Now if they could just brew a beer that will make them shut up for five minutes…

They should just go through my garbage can, they’ll find plenty… er, uh, I mean…

Ya know, looking at the picture, she just doesn’t strike me as the crack-smoking, attack-people-with-a-pooper-scooper kinda person…

If the boys are gonna be swingin’ around, what’s the point in wearing anything at all?

Mmmmmmmmmmmm… how to make a Mickey D’s burger even more of a punch in the heart…

Finally, a politician who admits he has no idea what he is doing. Now if the rest of the dumb bastards would just fall in line…

How to make sure that the kids won’t be looking forward to another gift from you. Ever again…

Some call him the champ. I say, “Ha! Thirteen? Is THAT the best you could do?”

You would think she would have chosen a profession that didn’t involve her handling those long, thick hoses… (yes, that was a penis reference)

Dude, this has got to be some scam on the part of the guys. And, uh, how do I get in on it?

Dude, what the hell? This is the second week in a row. You girls REALLY need some anger management…

If you buy #2, you shouldn’t be allowed to live, and if you buy #1, well, I’m NOT shaking your hand…

I think as part of her sentence, she should allow her boss full access to EVERYTHING she used the money for…

Ideal for a 6 lb. roast or (2) 3 lb. chickens. Or, whatever tasty critters you find in the backyard. Yes, that was a knock against NASCAR fans…

And all this time, I’ve been paying escorts premium cash to do this to them…

If the law of supply and demand holds true, you’ll be paying more for monkey meat this summer…

Note to self: Get friend to sign informed consent form before hitting friend with car… (again, the Midwest, how… surprising…)

The thing that surprises me is that there’s a demand for ordering these. I always thought a tree and a rope would suffice…

Personally, I think we should probably concern ourselves with the HUMANS that don’t have human rights first…

Next task: See how many times he can type, “I can’t wait to die,” until he actually, well, you know, dies…

Somehow, I see this being a disaster in the summertime. You know, the power conks out, the AC goes off… like Willy Wonka’s nightmare…

(nice side note: But the robot is still incapable of moving its lower half. Just like most women I’ve dated…)

Somehow, I’m not surprised – at all – in the least – that this story comes from the Midwest…

“Why was he allowed to be a friggin’ idiot? I want answers! Someone else should pay for his stupidity!”…

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/south_yorkshire/4918538.stm

Curry, I could see having a website against. But cilantro?

http://www.ihatecilantro.com/

Just when you think, “Why doesn’t one of ‘em just…”, one of ‘em does it. And that makes it funny…

http://www3.youtube.com/watch?v=IV_e_knw1zo&search=police%20policia%20japonesa%20japoneses%20darth%20vader%20dark%20star%20wars%20guerra%20galaxias%20japansk%20jap%20japanese%20comedy%20funny%20round%20vs

It is a good, yet sad, thing that I don’t have to worry about whether or not I need to invest in these…

http://forgetmenotpanties.contagiousmedia.org/about.html

OK, maybe I’m a dick, but is anyone – ANYONE – surprised of what states are at the TOP of the list?

http://www.statemaster.com/graph-T/hea_ora_hea_los_of_nat_tee

Or, you can just twist their neck around. They seem to move and scratch and bite much less after that…

http://www.vetmed.wsu.edu/ClientEd/cat_restraint.asp

There are so many things I can say here, but I won’t…

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060420/od_nm/breasts_dc;_ylt=ApM8O2rctYWU18ZuY0Er.HcSH9EA;_ylu=X3oDMTA5aHJvMDdwBHNlYwN5bmNhdA--

The sad thing is… I could actually see someone making this movie…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nva-KM_lu2I&feature=Views&page=1&t=t&f=b---

For parents-to-be…

http://www.tomsmithonline.com/comedy/thing_in_the_crib.htm

I knew it… I knew it I knew it I knew it… I knew those burgers tasted funny…

http://www.mcmurder.com/mcsecret/index.html

I get the feeling that whenever she sneezes, she gives herself a wedgie…

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/S/SMUGGLED_GRENADE?SITE=MTBIL&SECTION=STRANGE&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

The best backpack. Ever…

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=9509564828#ebayphotohosting

I was hoping this would help me hedge my bets when I say, “Yeah, that’ll happen when monkeys come out of my butt…”

“To operate the assembly, the operator places the inlet tube with its valve open adjacent his anal region from which a colonic gas is discharged. The piston is then withdrawn to a degree producing a negative pressure to inhale the gas into the combustion chamber to intermix with the air therein to create a combustible mixture. The ignitor is then activated to explode the mixture in the chamber and fire the missile into space.” DAMMIT, beaten to the patent office AGAIN…

Somehow, he seems to have created much more work than if he had just heated up the sandwiches himself…

It’s nice that someone went through the time to put this together, but my question is, when did “hates Spiderman” become a religious affiliation?

Unfortunately this defense doesn’t carry over to other charges. I tried using it on a parking ticket and still had to pay the fine…

It may be safer than practicing on a live patient, but it does ruin the game of “Who gets the placenta?”…

Note to self: don’t tell the prostitute I don’t have any money on me until AFTER my penis is safely clear of her mouth…

Some may consider this extremely cute. Some, extremely gay. Others, somewhat disturbing. Me, I’ll take doors number 1, 2, AND 3…

Yes, yes, at least one of you is wondering, “I wonder if they tried to haggle on the bail…”

At first I thought, “Who wouldn’t want a mom that went with you to solicit prostitutes?” But… Transvestites? I mean, I know it’s secondary to the whole story, but… transvestites?

Do they get a discount on the funeral? I mean, everyone’s already there, just need an extra box…

Again I say… how come this never happened when I went to high school? (More the first two years, not so much the last two went I went to an all-boys high school)…

I can’t think of anything else I would have done if I were in the monkey’s position…

Oooohoooohiwantitiwantitiwantitpleasemybirthdayiscomingupooooohgimmegimmegimme…

One thing I’m glad the article doesn’t mention is what he used to shift gears…

With just the ever-so-slightest change in a few key points of this article, this could be really, REALLY FUNNY…

Did anyone in the house consider the option of cutting back on his food just a wee bit?

WARNING: Extended viewing of the pages of this website will result in your never getting laid ever again…

“Hey Charlie… what is it that ain’t exactly water, and it ain’t exactly earth…”

The litmus test for when you should kill yourself and spare the rest of humanity from having to contemplate the possibility of your DNA infecting the gene pool of the general populace…

OK, let’s get a pool going. First day two people get caught fucking in one… first day someone clogs one up (it will probably be me, too)… first day one ends up being stolen…

There has to be a point where people who come up with legislation bullshit like this should be neutered/spayed so they don’t pollute the gene pool further…

It’s nice to know that not only is this another example of how inept the average government airport worker is (and the agency in question), but that something like this is considered “no big deal.” Remember that next time you get on a plane…

In a related story, I’m sure the 13-year old girl is happy she WASN’T home when he came a-knockin’…

207^th richest guy in the world… first thing I’d do if I were him… apply for a name change to… ANYTHING ELSE…

I’ll have the “Cowboy Leg Beautiful Pole” and the “Sydney and White tree fungus braise pig heart” soup. Yummy…

It’s not the “Autonomous Unmanned Ground Vehicle” that is the reason I am putting up this link. It’s the disclaimer when you click on the “Press Release” link. I think everyone should use this disclaimer. For everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Because nothing says “customer confidence” like a disclaimer that says basically, “If it doesn’t work, it’s everyone’s fault but ours”…

He should be given the chair simply for wrecking a Ferrari… (Jim, back me up on this)

Funny thing is, government housing in THIS country isn’t any better. Problem is, the country in the article is SWAZILAND, not the most powerful nation on Earth…

"American girls are just such a pain in the ass," Bobby says. "It's like every place you go is a lesbian bar. There's no difference between straight girls and lesbian girls; you wind up dancing alone because they're all dancing together." Amen, brother. Amen…

YES! Because all these years I’ve thought, “You know what was missing from Gallagher shows? Heavy metal.”

The “Messages To Aliens” is fine, as long as the aliens read English… (according to the online counter, a cow was abducted while I looked at the site. Somehow I feel responsible. Besides, that’s hundreds of cheeseburgers stolen from the mouths of children. Damn aliens!!)

Any story that has an exploding toilet and a family with the last name “Colon” HAS to be funny somehow…

The scariest thing about this is that they had to pass a law to tell people that they shouldn’t do this. Some people just have no horse sense, if you ask me… (pun definitely, unequivocally, and without fear of repercussion intended)

Ah, second grade. An innocent time of youth, where the world is as fresh and new as… oh, what the hell, just hang the little bastards. Wonder how many people were on the firing squad for passing notes during class…

http://www.nj.com/news/ledger/jersey/index.ssf?/base/news-2/1139554634111310.xml&coll=1

I can’t get away with wearing white socks to work, this guy thought no pants would be a good idea? Hmmm… maybe I should try that tonight…

http://www.keynoter.com/articles/2006/02/08/news/news09.txt

Somehow, I think, as I’m plummeting through the wild blue yonder toward the planet, I don’t think I’m going to be able to remember these rules. I might be somewhat distracted by the fear of imminent death, not to mention the trail of doodie that will undoubtedly expel itself from my person…

http://www.greenharbor.com/fffolder/carkeet.html

“Doc, I have a headache.” “Sir, it’s a tumor, we’ll have to amputate.” Certain things are worth a second opinion. Or, maybe more than two minutes in a doctor’s office…

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2006060191,00.html

Here’s my argument – kill all politicians…

http://legis.state.nm.us/Sessions/03%20Regular/bills/house/HB0766.html

The CIA maintains that the panties were being investigated for possible terrorist threats, seeing as how they always hang out with bearded, smelly individuals…

(And yes, I made that up on the spot, and no, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me…)

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/02/08/MNGPSH4RFQ1.DTL

Another from the “Wish I’d Thought of This First” file…

http://www.jesuspets.com/

Uh… does anyone (Paducah) see anything about this article (Columbine) that looks in any way just completely fucking retarded?

http://www.sheboygan-press.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060207/SHE0101/602070419/1062

Gee, just by looking at the picture, I can’t POSSIBLY IMAGINE why someone wouldn’t take up this woman’s offer for sex…

http://www.modbee.com/local/story/4828184p-5841435c.html

The poster boy for better internet connections in dorm rooms… (How awesome is it that it happened at Arizona State? GO DEVILS! WOOOOOO!)

http://www.statepress.com/issues/2006/02/02/news/695542

Just like that scene in “A Christmas Story,” but a whole lot worse…

http://web.orange.co.uk/news/story/sm_738078.html

Next up: Osama promotes American Airlines, and Winchester sponsors the anniversary of the Columbine school shooting…

http://www.silive.com/news/advance/index.ssf?/base/news/1138894483100760.xml&coll=1

Some people would think it a coincidence. Some would imagine that there is some rational explanation. Me, when I get hit with shit right out of the sky, I just think, “Hmmm… must be Saturday…”

http://www.mlive.com/news/sanews/index.ssf?/base/news-3/1138807284301690.xml&coll=9

Unfortunately, the bull didn’t exact complete revenge on the people in the stands before the end of the incident. Coincidentally, Taco Bell announces new menu items…

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4663646.stm

Ten more reasons why I’m going to continue to prefer girls…

(Not that there was ever any real reason to switch to the Dark Side in the first place…)

http://www.ironhymen.com/boysprivates.asp

I think this is the one who gave me a ticket for walking my dog without a leash…

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11045681/?GT1=7538

And now, another episode of “Those Whacky Japs!”

http://www.crisscross.com/jp/kuchikomi/392/all

27 January 2006

There is a website that posts The Phobia List - a list of what I can only assume is every phobia that anyone has ever exhibited ever ever ever on the planet ever. And while I won't bore you with the entire list, allow me to bore you with a few of my favorites:

Aeronausiphobia — vomiting secondary to airsickness: OK, so puking on the ground is OK, but up in the air, it scares you? Wouldn't it be funny if it scared you so much it made you throw up?

Agateophobia — insanity or becoming insane: I don't think this is a fear. Who walks around saying, "God, I love crazy people. SO much, in fact, I want to become one."

Agraphobia — sexual abuse: Again, is this REALLY a fear?

Alliumphobia — opinions or beliefs: Personally, I think it's a stupid phobia. SCARED YET?!?!?!

Anablephobia — looking up: Is there one for looking down? Because that scares the shit out of me. "Holy shit! It's still so small!"

Anuptaphobia — staying single: This is my ex-wife's disease. That, and fear of being happy and fear of being sane.

Ballistophobia — missiles or bullets: Does that include if they are being aimed at you?

Barophobia — gravity: That must suck...

Bolshephobia — Bolsheviks: So stay away from the time machine and the November 1918 dial.

Caligynephobia — beautiful women: One I hope I never ever ever ever fucking ever catch.

Cardiophobia — the heart: What fuckin' choice do you have?

Coitophobia — coitus, sex, or sexual intercourse: Again, hope I never get it.

Cometophobia — comets: Also called Gobacktothethirteenthcenturyaphobia.

Defecaloesiophobia — painful bowels movements: You serious? Psychiatrist: "Do you like painful bowel movements?" Patient: "No." Psychiatrist: "Hmmm... sounds like a phobia to me."

Dextrophobia — objects at the right side of the body: As evidenced by anyone who jerks off left-handed.

Didaskaleinophobia — going to school: This isn't a fear. If it is, every human being has it.

Dishabiliophobia — undressing in front of someone: Also called Wowamianuglyfatfuckaphobia.

Epistemophobia — knowledge: The phobia suffered by just about every girl I've ever met.

Ergophobia — work: Again - not a phobia, everyone has it.

Euphobia — hearing good news: "Good news! You have Euphobia!"

Geumaphobia — taste. Just eat my ex-wife's cooking, your fear will go away. (I know, a second swipe at the old battle axe. Pshaw on me.)

Hierophobia — priests or sacred things: Usually suffered by ten year old boys, also called Stayawayfrommyassaphobia.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia — long words: How ironic.

Levophobia — things to the left side of the body: If I had this and Dextrophobia, I'd have no sex life...

Medorthophobia — an erect penis; Megalophobia — large things; Melanophobia — the color black: I think it's just funny that these three are right next to each other...

Nephophobia — clouds: Who's ever been attacked by a cloud?

Papaphobia — the Pope: After all these years, Sinead O'Connor is finally vindicated.

Parthenophobia — virgins or young girls: Part 3 of the "Hope I Never Get" Phobia Series.

Proctophobia — rectums: I don't know. Really. There HAS to be something funny to say. Why am I drawing a blank?

Psellismophobia — stuttering: T-th-th-this one is j-j-j-just s-s-st-stoo-stoo... dumb.

Walloonphobia — the Walloons: Are you kidding? Southern Belgium has its own phobia? Wow.

Zemmiphobia — the great mole rat: This means you have a persistent fear of being eaten by... yup, you guessed it... The Great Mole Rat. There are no illustrations of it, because I can only assume that it has eaten whoever has seen it. Remember when we used to just call these people "fuckin whackjobs"?

26 January 2006

“Is That Gay?”…

http://www.kraftfoods.com/om/bn/c_Games/games_Whistle.htm

One e-card you really don’t want to get…

http://www.inspot.org/

This really is the best blonde joke ever. If you don’t get it, well, I don’t know what to say… (follow the links)

http://weblog.burningbird.net/2006/01/12/the-joke-is/

The rest of us just get a hotel. Or stay at a friend’s house. Or throw HER out…

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/4643678.stm

I don’t know why. I mean, I admit technology has invaded just about every aspect of our lives. But USB slippers? If anyone reads Japanese, please enlighten me…

http://www.thanko.jp/usbslippers_dual/index.html

Well, it stopped the hiccups…

http://www.ketv.com/news/6426207/detail.html

I’ll be making my own little chocolate chips soon…

http://www.aversion.com/news/news_article.cfm?news_id=5737

Oh, it’s OK. He thought he was in the women’s section, not the girls’ section. Simple misunderstanding…

http://www.timesnews.net/article.dna?_StoryID=3593240

But he WASN’T charged with assault because of the two black eyes… interesting…

http://www.local6.com/news/6269438/detail.html

19 January 2006

Next in line for a name change is Stoo Pidd Kunt…

http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-namechange16.html

And the “What the FUCK?!?!” lawsuit of the week goes to…

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1988954,00.html

I know that there is something really funny to say about this, but it has yet to gel in my mind…

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=16570354&method=full&siteid=94762&headline=glue-sniff-monkeys--name_page.html

More “Monkey Madness”…

http://www.columbusdispatch.com/news-story.php?story=160316

…and parrot sales to men skyrocket on the news…

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/01/17/uk.parrot/index.html

Similarly, I would like God to personally apologize to everyone I have ever offended, because if he hadn’t put this mouth thing on my face, I never would have been able to say anything…

http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB113751573975848680-4aKRm9buA04dB2KhorxXsqpWI1U_20070118.html?mod=tff_main_tff_top

Hate your neighbors? Imagine living next to this guy?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2006/01/19/MNGK3GPM6J1.DTL

He buried the bones “and other non-edibles.” Doesn’t he know what a good stock they make?

http://www.365gay.com/Newscon06/01/011606cannibal.htm

I’m not really sure, I mean, 1990 was, what, like, 37 years ago (the batteries ran out in my abacus, I can’t do the math), but I’m pretty sure any male over the age of nine wearing any of this would pretty much be signing the “beat the living shit out of me” warrant…

http://progressiveboink.com/archive/nintendocat/1.htm

Now cooks in greasy spoons across the U.S. can defile sent-back orders with ease…

Some say the bottle was “half-empty.” I say the liver was “half-full.” Who’s right? We may never know…

HAH! See? And you all laugh at me when I use the term “making monkeyface”! Apparently, girls, you LIKE “monkeyface”!

“Dude, the trees, they’re like…. sooooooooooooo green. I think it took me an hour to fly from the tree next door. I’m soooooooooooooo wasted right now…”

I got an 8 out of 11. I’m impressive and ready for world travel. Too bad a few hundreds didn’t come out of the floppy drive so I could have some MONEY to travel…

AIDS, syphilis, Maple Syrup Urine Disease… these go without cures. But scientists have figured out spoons. Yes, your research grant dollars hard at work…

“Police were still trying to… determine why he jumped.” How about this: he was a fucking whackjob. Sometimes in life, the simplest answers are the right ones…

You know, I love paintball, but those guns just aren’t big enough. What I need is a… er… maybe a paintball TANK! Yeah! Fuckin’ A YEAH!!!

Finally, a medication to treat being gay. (For some reason, I just can’t think of anything truly witty for this one, which blows – no pun intended – because if there’s one of these that deserve it, it’s this one…)

Hey, John and Jim! Recognize any of these guys? Because no one else sure the hell will…

Meal for two: $475. Somehow, this makes high-class escorts seem reasonably priced by comparison…

Now I know what to do with all those dead hookers I have stashed under the bed. Daddy’s eatin’ like a king tonight!!!

Something I hope that I NEVER see on the table at Thanksgiving. Or, for that matter, anytime ever during my life. Or after I die.

Thankfully, a new advent calendar. I always liked them, but what do you do with them on December 2^nd after you ate all the candy on the 1^st? One piece per day my butt…

“Yes, we love that you are trying to promote AIDS awareness for gays and lesbians, but does it have to be… well… so GAY?”

Now, if Charlize Theron would just fall out of the sky and land in my lap, we’d be getting somewhere…

I can attest to this. I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art about five years ago, and after four hours I could just shit myself I was so bored, so I KNOW for a FACT that there is validity to this…

Now, the reason I have put this link here is NOT because I have something funny to say about it… and NOT because it’s a great article… the reason I am putting this link here is for the irony. The London Free Press wants to charge $10 (yes, dollars, not pounds, because they’re based in Canada, which isn’t part of England last I checked, and isn’t even close)… the FREE Press wants to CHARGE… for an article about the world’s longest nipple hair. No, I am not kidding. What’s probably even more ironic and infinitely sadder is that, at some point today, someone will pony up the sawbuck to read it…

Space? I’m still trying to figure out how to fart here on terra firma without potential disaster…

Another sign that the apocalypse is upon us… (I’m holding out for the Richard Gere model)

So let’s see, it’s 5:47, so I can’t park… no, wait… I CAN, until, er, 4 o’clock, but… aw shit, just ticket me now…

I knew it, I knew it, it’s coming… the era of Caesar and Cornelius and Dr. Zaius. It starts with nuts, next thing between those rocks is your nuts. Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!

(To all you high-and-mighty so-right-you’re-not-even-on-the-map Republicans: kinda funny how the guy who coined “intelligent design” (a) shows a great propensity to be the polar opposite of the first part of that phrase, and (b) is the poster child for evolution. Now give me my two-fifty large, I have to go buy some new socks.)

Maybe someone, following the theme, could open a nice outdoor café at Treblinka. “Our special today is water and a slice of bread, followed by a nice shower. Towels and soap are on the left. Don’t mind the cargo truck by the back door. One lucky diner each week gets a free medical exam from Dr. Josef Mengele…”

I could go on and on and on and on and on and… er, where was I? Oh yeah… another example of airlines blaming the government for being assholes. As if the government doesn’t have enough to be assholes about already…

For the same price, he could have a studio apartment on the Upper East Side, with a bee-YOO-tiful view of… uh… the fire escape across the alley…

“Seinfeld” may be long over, but this… shirt… thing… still lives on…

Great, I’m stuck inside a water bottle, and the only thing to read is the back cover of a book written in German. Another example of people having waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands… (and yes, me sending this e-mail also qualifies…)

Cow 2, Dogs zero. My question is, how low on the photojournalistic totem pole do you have to be to be doing this? Iraq, New Orleans, Afghanistan, none of these things are of great import, you’re out there taking pictures of cows and dogs. This is one step (maybe a half-step) above sitting at the kitchen table taking a picture of a potato that looks like the Virgin Mary…

The thing I find most amazing is that he was able to run and… well, do THAT… at the same time. Some people can’t walk and chew gum at the same time…

My question is, when do “Rocky Mountain Oysters” become an endangered… well, not species, but… you know…

You know that there is nothing left for the internet to offer the world when a site exists solely for the purpose of displaying pictures of dogs in bee costumes…

Now next, they have to make a “popsicle”-like ice cream, and then watch people holding them up their dogs’ mouths, and then… or am I just going off the deep end on this one?...