"THE OTIS AWARD" past winners and the stories that made them "famous"

"Always Look a Gift Pitcher in the Pants"

So there we were, Minder Binders, probably our fourth or fifth bar that night. We being; myself JT, the driver BL and the other guy RH. We weren't planning on leaving after one pitcher, it's just not in our nature, but what seemed like a good idea at the time necessitated our departure.

 With our bladders screaming at our urethra to open up due to the previous consumption at prior bars and the not quite finished pitcher we were presently consuming, we walked to the can. RH not wanting to waste, brought the pitcher with us and poured the last of the beer as we entered. For some drunk reason, we'll call it male bonding, we all decided to piss in the pitcher. Much to our chagrin we managed to pour the perfect looking pitcher of beer, including the foam. As we walked out, BL wanting to share this masterpiece with others walked over to a table of four "good sized" guys. Myself and RH continued on to the exit in drunken disbelief. BL offered the pitcher to the table explaining that we ordered it but were too drunk to drink it (should have been their first clue that something was wrong, not to mention it smelled like piss). After much praise and thanks, BL sat the pitcher on their table as they continued to pour from their original pitcher. To this day I do not know how BL so casually walked from that table to the exit. Myself and RH were halfway to the car after BL set the pitcher down. However, once hitting the door, BL sprinted for the car fumbling with his keys screaming "Lets get the hell out of here before we are beaten into a bloody pulp". We looked like three drunken bank robbers fleeing the scene of a crime laughing hysterically. Luckily they must have been slow drinkers and we were not caught.
 
*** If you or anyone you know ever drank piss from a pitcher at Minder Binders, this is a purely fictional story with fictional characters. Author is to be held harmless.

---Submitted by Jeff T.

"The Pleasures of Dining Etiquette"

So, we all have drunk stories involving eating.  This one guy I know has a roommate who, in my opinion, takes the cake.  One night this guy came home and took a frozen steak still in the plastic and foam package and put it in the microwave.  Of course, the blood starts pooling in the bottom of the microwave and runs out the door, onto the counter, and down on the floor.  This guy then took the steak out, proceeded to eat it with his hands over the sink, threw the bone in the sink (with meat shrapnel still attached) and went to bed.  The roommate had to clean the blood off of everything in the morning.  Another time he made himself a hot dog, but on the first bite, it squirted out of the bun and onto the floor.  Not realizing what just happened - or too drunk to care - he proceeded to eat the bun, apparently thinking the hot dog was still in it.  He then went and passed out, the poor lonely hot dog lying on the floor.

---Submitted anonymously

"A Real PISSER of a Story!"

Three of us were in a club called SuperFly in Auckland, New Zealand. We had consumed a fair amount of Scotch and Rum during the night and had all taken our turns to use the boys room, however on this one occasion, one of my mates glanced over to see a large queue waiting to be relieved. So without further hesitation he said to me "Stand completely still" and proceeded to piss into an empty spirit glass, right behind me.  Now this would've been ok if we had've been standing in a dark corner, but we weren't, instead we were right next to the edge of the dance floor between the dancers and the bar.  Well needless to say that a spirit glass will not hold the entire contents of a drunken males bladder. I hear behind me "Pass us another glass".  Ooops no more glasses around. So there he goes straight out of the bar, holding his piece in his hand, to finish off on the corner of a building.

Never again have we visited that establishment!

---Submitted by Clint S.

"What, you mean this ISN'T a Stephen King novel?"

Several friends of mine decided one Saturday night to go to Las Vegas on the spur of the moment (which, coincidentally, is the ONLY way one should decide to go to Vegas).  After drinking all day (again, ditto).  So, they hop on a plane, and bam! Vegas it is.  However, there are no hotel rooms available, so they are forced to stay up all night and drink and gamble.  On their return flight the next morning, one of the group falls asleep in his seat.  Suddenly, in his dream, he hears his name being announced, and to please contact the flight attendant.  Then he hears it again.  So he wakes up, hits the little button to summon a flight attendant, and waits in his seat.  The guy comes over, asks him, "Yes, sir?" and my friend informs him that he is the one they were paging.

"Ah, yes, well, we've been on the ground for 20 minutes, and we would like to re-board the plane for the flight to Kansas City, so unless you want to go to Kansas City, you might want to get off."

The best part is:  he woke up... hit the call button... sat in the seat... waited for the attendant to come over... and not ONCE did it dawn on him that (a) the plane wasn't flying, and (b) there was no one else on it.  Maybe he thought he was in the Stephen King story "The Langoliers."

---Submitted by Kenny S.

"Wish I Could Fly Like Superman"  (No, not the song by The Kinks)

    We were all drinking at one of my friend's houses. One of my friends got the idea into his head that he was a superhero. So he grabs a blanket and starts running around the room yelling "I'm superman!"
    One of the girls there decided to give him a reality check, and said, "You're not a superhero! Superheroes can fly".
    "I can fly!"
 
    SLAM!
 
Moral of the story: Superheroes can fly, but not superdrunks
 
Note: Do not try this at home folks, the person in this incident cracked his collarbone and he is a professional drunk.

---Submitted by me2

"Drunken Fun With Gasoline!"

This happened in my early days of drinking.  The days when I had low tolerance and just plain did not give a shit after enough beer, nor worried about how many "enough" was.  A friend of mine, I'll call him "Fred," and myself were kickin' it at his parents' house (they were out of town, natch) and were having a few beers.  After finishing my 13th Bud, Fred finishing his 15th or so (mind you, this is in about three hours' time), we decided we were hungry and we wanted to BBQ.  After putting the coals in the BBQ, we realized we had no lighter fluid.  Being a couple of drunk idiots, we decided to use gasoline instead.  We put a little bit on there, lit it, and everything was going OK.  Then Fred decides it's not firing up fast enough and figures it needs more gasoline.  Upon applying the gas to an open flame, the flame started to travel right back up and into the can.  Fred freaks and starts flinging the can around wildly, sending flaming gasoline all over a couple of chairs, the BBQ, and the ground.  Somehow he managed to put out the flaming can.  Don't ask me how, it's kinda hazy.  We then kicked the flaming chairs and the BBQ into the empty swimming pool (judging by the amount of weeds growing in the bottom of it, it has been empty for a while).  So as we stand there and stare at the small fire we had going in the bottom of the pool, we realize we should probably try to put it out.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, as any self-respecting beer drinker would have done, without any collaboration or glances at each other of any sort, we promptly began pissing on the flames.  Neither of us had pissed since we started drinking, so there was more than enough to extinguish the flames.  In the end, we had a couple of blackened chairs, a little bit of explaining to do, and some great tastin' chicken fresh out of the oven!

---Submitted by wasted

Submitted 8 April 2000:

My buddy and business partner is who I'm nominating for this award.  His name is Jay (won't give last name yet).  We are currently in the battery business, making and selling batteries for telecommunication systems. For business purposes we travel across the country on a regular basis.  One trip was to Chicago where we were meeting with some potential customers that could/would have been our biggest customers.  If we landed these people, it would have been our break to be a 20+million dollar company a year. We go out there for a four day trip.  These people are stern and very business oriented.  Everybody in our business is laid back and loves to entertain our customers.  The trip was going well and decided on the last night to go out for a "few drinks".  Jay and I had discreetly got our potential customers drunk.  We were getting wild.  They loved us, we were all bombed.  We went to one of their clubs which they had owned.  While there, Jay had been hitting on one of the wives of the potential customers, and didn't know it.  He purchased the bra off her back and was drinking out of it. While walking around in our underwear we had started a fight with one of the regular patrons of the club, so we decided to have a chicken fight.  Jay get on my shoulders and two other guys do the same and we started to knock each other over.  While trying to win, Jay had grabbed a shelf and threw it at the 2 guys we were fighting.  This shelf contained very expensive bottles of wine where some bottles were $400-$500 a bottle.  We then fell into the bar, to where the bar and collapsed to the ground.  The section of the bar that we collapsed was where the sink was so the water pipe busted and water was shooting about 6 feet in the air all over the place.  Jay had then run outside and cut the phone line so they couldn't call the cops. He then came back in where our customers wanted to kill him.  Jay then went up to the bar, demanded another drink.