11 May 2002

One of my newest pet peeves.  What "on-time" means at work.

Example:  I'm scheduled to work at 3 p.m.  According to my boss, being "on-time" for my 3 p.m. shift means being there at 2:45 p.m.  Three o'clock is late.

I'm not saying this about my current employer, who not only pays me but I've been friends with for years.  No, I'm referring to Corporate America, or more specifically, Corporate Restaurant America.  The most glaring example I can remember was Rock Bottom Brewery, which opened four places in Phoenix, and I was employed by for one day last year until I realized that I would rather have my spleen removed through my eye socket with a pair of rusty tweezers that an AIDS-ridden crack addict used to remove a broken needle from his asshole.  The actual Corprate Spiel that the manager gave that first (and last) day was, "fifteen minutes early is on-time, on-time is late, and late is not acceptable."  In those exact words.  I remember them clearly even now because the stupidity factor at which those words hit me burned into my brain, leaving a stupidity scar.  I also have friends that work in Corporate Restaurant America that have relayed similar tales of Moron Corporate Restaurant Management passing such rules down to the masses.

I could go on for weeks about the pitfalls and drawbacks of Corporate Restaurant America, but I'm going to stick to the peeve.

If I am flying to New York, and my flight is scheduled to leave at 7:43 a.m., I expect that it's going to leave at 7:43 a.m., not fifteen minutes earlier.  If a class starts at 11:40 a.m., I don't expect that I have to be there at 11:25 a.m.

According to The Random House College Dictionary, "schedule" is defined as "a number of duties, events, etc., listed usually in sequence with the time each will occur or will be allotted."

Allow me to reprint that definition with remarks:  "a number of duties [such as serving drinks, food, etc.], events [such as coming in and leaving], etc., listed usually in sequence with the time each will occur [which I interpret as THE TIME, and not FIFTEEN MINUTES BEFORE THE TIME] or will be allotted [If I'm scheduled 3 to 11, that's 8 hours, not 8 hours and fifteen minutes]."

If you want me to be at work at 2:45, then fucking SCHEDULE me at 2:45.  If you want me to be there at 2:45 and not punch in until three so you can get an extra fifteen minutes a day free work out of me, considering you are paying me $2.13 an hour in the first place you cheap cunt fuck, blow me.  If you write me in the schedule at 3, write me up if I'm there at 3 because you consider that late, and then terminate me for said "late offenses," I'm taking a copy of the schedule and the Random House College Dictionary to a lawyer to prepare for a wrongful termination suit.

I'm not working off the clock, and since Corporate Restaurant America won't let me clock in until 3 even though they want me there at 2:45, and if I, say, slip in a puddle of your "Cock Bottom Very Bland Cheesey Dip" and break my ankle, I'm not covered by Workmen's Comp because I wasn't "on the clock."

And when I punch out, that means I PUNCHED OUT.  I'm not going to "just do this one thing" for you before I go.

Happy scheduling.