12 April 2002

So Lloyd Ward, CEO of the U.S. Olympic Committee, an African-American, and a member at Augusta National, who, since joining two years ago has been there exactly once (which is only one more time than me and I didn't pay a dime to join), is going to press for the admission of women as members.  Maybe he's genuinely concerned for the plight of women at Augusta, maybe he's posturing to try to get himself some notoriety (my guess)... whatever it is, it's bullshit.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but (a) this is America and (b) Augusta National is a PRIVATE club.  This, of course, isn't the first time that attempts have been made to alter private institutions' policies regarding memberships, attendance, etc. to be more inclusive.  Several years ago, we may all remember the girl who fought a two-year legal battle to get into The Citadel, a PRIVATE military academy.  When a judge (who apparently woke up under a hammer and sickle every morning as a child) deemed that the fat cow deserved the opportunity to attend and how dare The Citadel be male-only, she attended.  For about 36 hours, at which point she realized maybe it was a little tougher than five pushups in the morning and a heavy dose of reading all day long.  Military academy 1, fat cow 0.

There is a reason that membership in places like Augusta National are considered prestigious.  It's because they don't allow any schmuck to walk in off the street and join.  You must meet a certain criteria, both financially and socially, to join.  You have to be approved for a membership.  The people who started this PRIVATE club and the current governing body of this PRIVATE club want to regulate the memberships (currently 300) in their midst.  They don't want to share the clubhouse with just anyone.  It's not 24 Hr. Fucking Fitness, for Christ's sake.  Private clubs are private because the original members wanted a club where people like them could get away from... well, people like you and me.  Personally, I don't give a rat's ass if I ever possessed the financial or social qualifications to join Augusta National or any other such institution.  However, to deny a private entity the right to choose who joins and who doesn't violates the basic principles not only of this country, but humanity in general.  Let me personalize this for you.  Your house, the place where you wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, the place where you eat, watch TV, and make monkey-face with your sweetie, is a private club.  You have the right to say, "No, I don't want you in my house."  What if some judge decided that your barring certain people from access is a violation of the Constitution and you need to be more inclusive in who you let in?  If someone comes in my house that I don't want there, there's a term for that.  Trespassing.  However, the privacy and exclusion rules that I enjoy in my home would be vastly changed if I made my house a club.  If my home had become the official meeting house for The International Association of Drunk Bastards (and I think, de facto, it is), I could be taken to court by a teetotaler, saying that I wouldn't permit him to join because he only has one beer a week.  Now, The IADB loses its "prestige" (like it ever really had any, but for the sake of this example, let's pretend) because it contains sober people.  And I have some AA asshole sitting on my couch eating Cheez-Its.

A lot of golf clubs won't let you go onto the course in a t-shirt, and I'm sure that Augusta would fall into that category, but ol' Lloyd isn't taking up the charge for the collarly-challenged.

If they are forced to allow women to join, what next?  Kids running in the locker room?  Low-cost memberships for the economically disadvantaged?  All of a sudden Augusta National becomes Rickety-Rack Public G.C. and you'll be sitting in the clubhouse next to some 78 year old woman in a muumuu arguing over the price of a glass of white zin while she's flipping her dentures in her mouth and her six grandkids are trying to light a cat on fire.  Your membership at Augusta will be worth a six-pack of Pabst and a bolonga sandwich.  No cheese.

And if Augusta tells Mr. Ward to take his USOC CEO title and his membership and get fucked if he thinks they're going to be more inclusive, what's going to happen?  Perhaps nothing.  Or, maybe a lawsuit will come about, with the NOW Nazis picketing outside the entrance and Johnny Cochran in front of the jury saying, "If she's got a slit, you must admit."  Then again, maybe Hootie Johnson, chairman of The Masters, will buckle under the pressure the way so many other organizations have done in years past and make their memberships more inclusive.

Whatever happens, I can tell you right now what will NOT happen.  The Masters will NOT be moved from Augusta.  The Masters is it's own event, NOT a PGA event, even though winnings are recognized in the PGA money list.  So regardless of whether women are allowed membership now or in the future, The Masters will always be played at Augusta National.  And all of Lloyd Ward's posturing will be for naught.

I've always said, if you don't like something, if some club or organization won't admit you because you're a girl, or a guy, or black, or green, or an asshole, or whatever, then get a bunch more girls/guys/blacks/greens/assholes/whatevers together and start your own club.  I've never understood people that would fight to get into an organization that didn't want them there.  Do they think that once some judge awards them the right to join that they're going to be welcomed with open arms?  Have any of you guys ever been "the new kid in school"?  Well, multiply that feeling of alienation by ten.  Do you think that the whole alienation thing MIGHT be a reason with Uncle Lloyd has only used his membership once?  That after Augusta allowed black members to join twelve years ago, there might be some resentment from the older members?  That there might be some feelings of that he really doesn't belong?

Get a clue, Lloyd.