14 February 2002

I'm sick and tired of "America Bashing," a popular pastime in most countries that don't have the words "United States" in their name.  The sport took a brief holiday after that fuckhead bin Laden, but it seems that the world has once again resumed its standard bullshit about how evil we are, how our morally-devoid culture is invading your homeland, how our foreign policy is to blame for what happened, blah blah motherhumping blah.  Then there's the "Ugly American" term that I get to hear from foreigners who both are visiting and live here.

First of all, let me explain where you assholes would be without American foreign policy:  a state of the Third Reich.  That's right, Adolf Hitler would be dead by now no matter what, but you'd all still be singing "Deutschland Uber Alles."  Anybody who thinks that the Russians could have won WWII without Lend-Lease is a retard who needs to go back and re-take History 101.  And let's not forget the Marshall Plan, which, if I'm not mistaken, you guys STILL haven't repayed us for.  You rolled over like sick dogs and let that little Austrian blow up your entire continent, then after we kicked his little goosestepping ass into oblivion for you, we rebuilt all your shit, and WE'RE the assholes?  Whenever you need something, we're the first place you turn, and once you get it, you go back to pissing and moaning about us.  Yeah, maybe our foreign policy isn't perfect, but yours didn't do a whole hell of a lot of good in the last century, did it?  Personally, you all can go take a flying fuck.

Second, you can shove your "Ugly American" term right up your ass.  We've been on the block for only 228 years and we've been up front and in charge for most of it.  While you were coming up with reasons to avoid daily showers and regular dental care, we were over here inventing, writing, and exploring.  You're reading this right now because of Americans who developed the technology allowing the birth of the Internet.  We are the ones who put men on the moon first, last, and only.  We're rich and wasteful because we earned the right to be; it wasn't granted to us.  You've been more than willing to ask us for help whenever you needed it, and at the same time been more than happy stand and do nothing many times when we needed you.  We worked our asses off to get where we are, so excuse me if I'm a little proud, if I want to eat a little too much, and if I want to talk a little loud.  We went from thirteen British colonies throwing tea off of a ship to being the single most powerful country on the planet in the time it took you to develop indoor plumbing.  Yeah, we did some things that are downright deplorable in the process, but so did you, and you ain't got shit to show for it.  For every black mark on the American soul for slavery, internment of Japanese citizens during WWII, and civil rights in the '60s, you had your own little oopsies - concentration camps, ethnic cleansing, and Falco.  We're the New York Yankees of war - we're 14 and 1 and looking for number 15 as we speak (hi, Saddam).  We saved your asses from the Germans TWICE last century, saved the world's oil supplies from those Iraqi camelfuckers, saved South Korea from becoming a Soviet satellite, used a military buildup to force the Soviet Union to spend itself into extinction, and made sure that the Japanese flag didn't fly over every building in east Asia.  We were the ones in the Cold War with the Soviets making sure that your house didn't have more microphones in it than the Beatles' recording studio.  If we had left the world order up to you, there would be nine million different fiefdoms throwing rocks at each other.  Anti-terror coalition?  You jerkoffs couldn't get a coalition together to go to the store and pick up a gallon of milk.  You're so worried about maintaining your national identity and sovereignty that you forget it's us who allowed you to continue to enjoy it.  So you're going to have to excuse me if I want to beat my chest and be loud and proud of being a natural born citizen of the greatest country on the face of this earth.  And don't be pissed off because you're still riding a yak to work.  Stop pissing and moaning about "Ugly Americans" and realize that if it wasn't for those very same Americans, you'd be speaking German and driving a Volkswagen to your job at SS Headquarters.

One other thing:  if you live here, or are visiting here, and don't like the "Ugly Americans," I have this to say:  go the fuck home.  Get on British Airways, or Air France, or KLM, or whatever airline you want, and fly back home.  And stay there.  This is America.  We might cheer for ourselves a little too much when we beat the rest of the world in the Ryder Cup, but at least I can go to a football game without a fear I might never come back home.  You don't like "Ugly Americans"?  Tough shit.  I'm done placating your haven't-showered-since-last-week ass.  I'm American, I'm proud of it, and I'll be damned if I'm going to listen to your bullshit anymore.

And you towelheads in the Middle East:  boy, did YOU fuck with the wrong kid in class.  You had a choice a long time ago to be friends with us or not, and you chose poorly.  We put up with your terrorist bullshit for way too long.  Now, we're gonna have ourselves a little ass-kickin' party, and we're throwing it at your house.  You're going to meet Allah first hand and let him tell you exactly what happens to religious fanatics who piss off the wrong cowboy.  You're not going to a promised land where virgins feed you grapes, you're going to a place that's really hot and makes Afghanistan look like the fjords of Norway.  If I were you, I'd either consider a very serious and very permanent change in your attitude towards us, or get right with Allah really damn quick.