18 February 2002

Last month I got (and yes, if you are from a 1xxxx zip code, 'got' is a correct verb) a new Gateway computer, because I like asking the UPS guy if he brought me a new cow every year when they send me a new one.  AND, every year, they send me a free year of AOL.  America Online sucks ass, for those of you that maybe just crawled out from the mud and wanted a way to get on the Internet.  I dealt with AOL off and on since 1994 - more off than on - and despise them.  However, they came in useful at times.  This is not one of them.  While I have a year of AOL free with the purchase of my Gateway, I don't need it, and since AOL is rife with pedophiles and fat sex-starved women, I don't use it.  However, on nights like this, when I'm drunk and curious, I wanna see how many guys there are pretending to be 17 year old high school cheerleaders there are on at 1:30 am on a Monday.  And of course, when I log on, there are 300 e-mails from porn sites.  So, I sent this kind e-mail to tech support, since their live help chat was inactive.  I hope you enjoy.

Sent 18 Jan 2002 at 1:27 a.m.:

I'm just curious... since most of your clientele spend more than what they normally would for a traditional ISP just so they can send their friends instant messages with a happy face instead of doing the outdated thing of actually making a telephone call, is there a way that you fucking retards could stop the porn spam? I'm just curious, considering that you've basically bought the entire planet, maybe you can figure out how to stop 100 assholes a day from e-mailing me links to their website showing me pictures of their naked 15 year old sister.

I was just curious, so I thought I'd ask. If you DON'T have an intelligent and well-thought out answer for me (and "one of our technical service representatives will answer your question within 10 working days" is NOT an acceptable answer) then don't bother.

The only reasons that I even HAVE AOL in the first place is (a) I got a year free with my computer, and (b) I wanna hook up with some 15 year old and am looking for a way to beat the system.

Personally, I wish that every person on your tech support staff catches some sort of communicable virus that no one has a cure for, because I think AOL sucks big greasy donkey balls. However, I love the porn spam, as I'm sure all the other 12 year olds do who log in every day do, as well as their parents.  Actually, I take that back.  The 12 year olds probably don't.  So keep up the good work. And oh, by the way, I tried doing the "live tech support" help thing, you know, the one where you click 47 different things about what kind of socks you're wearing, but three times I received the "Web Site Not Responding" message, which means that you guys are probably too busy clown-fucking each other to notice that your servers aren't working. Keep up the good work, you mental midgets.

Have a nice day. And stay away from the water cooler, I saw a donkey over there earlier with his balls hanging out.

xxoo
a concerned citizen