18 July 2003

Be it known to the peoples of Earth: you are no longer responsible for anything you do.

First off, allow me to reprint something I wrote in the "My Life" section:

A student who held a classroom hostage with a fake bomb was found not guilty by reason of temporary insanity. If the concept of "temporary insanity" seems incredulous to you in the first place, just wait, it gets better. It was determined that he suffered from a mental disorder that caused him to hate Jews and other non-whites.

No, I didn't make that up.

Attention, criminals and would-be-criminals of the world! You are hereby without a doubt no longer responsible for your actions! All you need to do is have some crackpot psychiatrist say you have a mental disorder that makes you do it, and it's a comfy bed in the looney bin for you. Someone call Berlin and tell them that Adolf was OK! He just had a mental disorder, he wasn't REALLY a bad guy! Marge Schott was right! Hitler wasn't so bad! Fuck, why not bring it into modern day? Osama bin Laden just has a mental disorder that causes him to hate Americans! He's not guilty by reason of temporary insanity! Call off the hounds, we can stop looking for the cocksucker, because all you need is a good lawyer and a crackpot doctor and you can get off of anything!

Now, this on ESPN.com today:

BALTIMORE -- The widow of Baltimore Orioles pitcher Steve Bechler has sued the manufacturers of a dietary supplement containing ephedra for $600 million.

The 23-year-old Bechler was taking the supplement to lose weight at the start of spring training when he collapsed Feb. 16 in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. His body temperature rose to more than 108 degrees and he died the next day. A bottle of Xenadrine RFA-1 was found in Bechler's locker.

The lawsuit calls the product, Xenadrine RFA-1, a "poisonous cocktail" unsafe for human consumption.

Toxicology tests confirmed "significant amounts'' of an over-the-counter supplement containing ephedra led to Bechler's heatstroke, along with other factors, the medical examiner said.

The lawsuit, filed Wednesday by Kiley Bechler in U.S. District Court in Fort Lauderdale, also seeks a ban on the sale of ephedra-based products.

"It's a simple case of corporate and personal greed being placed ahead of consumer safety and the public welfare,'' said her attorney, David Meiselman.

The lawsuit names Manasquan, N.J.-based Cytodyne Technologies and its president, Robert Chinery, and Hicksville, N.Y.-based Phoenix Laboratories. A receptionist who answered the phone Thursday at Cytodyne said no one was immediately available to comment.

In the past, Cytodyne has criticized Meiselman for blaming the company, saying Bechler had a history of heat-related illnesses.

Ephedra products are marketed in drug stores, convenience stores and gyms as a weight-loss and energy miracle pill made from natural herbs, but the Food and Drug Administration has said the drug is blamed for nearly 120 deaths nationwide.

I don't know if any of you have ever taken any ephedra-based over-the-counter supplements, but I have. I've never seen a bottle of Xenadrine, but I do have a bottle of Ripped Fuel handy, so let me reprint the directions part of the label:

... Do not exceed 6 capsules daily. Begin use with one-half the recommended dose (one capsule three times per day) to assess your tolerance ... The maximum recommended dosage of ephedrine for a healthy adult is no more than 100 mg in a 24-hour period for not more than 12 weeks.

I've taken ephedra-based stuff off and on for a few years for two reasons: one, I wanted to shed a few pounds, and two, because I liked the energy buzz. I also READ THE SIDE OF THE FUCKING BOTTLE. Now, I know that each product has different labeling. And in a search to find out what the label on Xenadrine RFA-1 said, I found one thing. The product has been discontinued. Big surprise.

All this seems like rambling by me, but now I'll get to the point. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dogs and cats, you are no longer to blame for anything you do! That's right! Overdose on diet pills? Must have been the manufacturer's fault! Not the fact that you did not follow directions! Did your boy take a gun and shoot a kid at school? Must have been those damn movies! And that damn gun manufacturer! Not the fact that you were a lousy parent who treated their kid as a minor annoyance interfering with your pathetic, pedantic lives! It's all now SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT!

Big, fat kids are suing McDonald's because they ate too many Big Macs and are fat. I don't mean even Oprah fat, you seen these kids? Their asses look like two Volkswagens trying to get out of the way of each other. It's not their parents' fault for letting sweet little Darnell get to be 400 pounds, it's the company that made the food. OK, that argument might fly with me if the kid ate one Big Mac and weighed 300 pounds more the next day. However, I'm more inclined to believe that these kids gradually got fatter, like pound by pound, and maybe when they were only 100 pounds overweight someone should have said, "Hey, tubby, how about a carrot you fat fuck?" But no, it wasn't anyone's fault but McDonald's! Sue them! Get millions, which you'll use to buy more food, you fucking house! However, last I heard, their lawsuit had as much of a chance as a donut within Rosie O'Donnell's reach.

I remember a story several years back: a family went camping in the mountains of Arizona. Their small daughter went wandering off into the wild and was killed by a mountain lion. The family - no, I'm not bullshitting - sued the state. The judge, a mental midget in his own right, awarded the family in excess of $2 million, because - no, I'm not making this up, either - there was insufficient signage in the park stating that mountain lions were dangerous.

I'll wait here until you stop bashing your skull into the keyboard.

Now, I'm not saying that EVERYTHING that happens to us is directly our fault. Some drunk hits you with his car, it wasn't your fault you were out. HOWEVER... it wasn't the bar's fault that served him, unless as he was leaving, he announced to everyone in attendance, "I'm going to get in my car and drive home, and probably hit someone and maim them, or worse. G'night all! **hic**" No, it was the DRIVER'S FAULT. And that's it. Not the bar, the car manufacturer, his mom, his third grade teacher, no one but him.

There was a snippet on WCBS news the other morning that the "trendy, flashy" TV ads for stuff like Smirnoff Ice makes kids drink. Ah, yes, couldn't be the wonderful (hint: sarcasm) job of parenting you did, no, must have been the TV ads. It wasn't OUR fault as parents, must have been the ADVERTISEMENT! It's the PACKAGING!

So, next time you're walking down the street and slip on a banana peel, don't just rub your fat ass and say, ouch." Call Gloria Allred! Get those fucks from Dole on the stand! Sue them for not properly putting a label on bananas that the peels might be slippery if stepped on! Oh, better yet, much better yet. Leave your kid alone in the backyard near the pool so you could go in and talk on the phone because all that damn yelling and squeaking the kid's doing? Did you come out to see his lifeless body floating in the pool? Sue GOD! You'll get a lawyer who will convince a judge and/or jury that there was insufficient signage on the water molecules that two year-olds could drown! Not only will you end up with more money than God, you'll have God's money! For shits and giggles, sue the pool company because they didn't give you a big sign saying that unattended kids falling into pools who don't know how to swim may drown! A few extra million will help soothe the scar of the loss of your child.

Kiley Bechler will go to court against Xenadrine. She'll say that it was Xenadrine's fault because her big, fat, mediocre-pitching husband had a heart attack. Xenadrine will counter with medical reports and autopsy reports stating that the level of Ephedra found in his system indicated that he took a dosage well above the recommended dosage, that he didn't read the label and follow directions, and that he had a history of heart ailments, and the label warning tells people with heart ailments to not take it. And then the judge and/or jury will award Kiley Bechler millions of dollars because Xenadrine didn't have someone standing next to Bechler telling him not to take twenty fucking pills, you fat FUCK.

What a wonderful world we live in.