25 March 2004

Everyone has two.  Some people have three, from the rumors I hear.  For about half the population, they're useless.  And for that half, they love to see the ones the other half have.

I'm talkin' nipples, boys and goyls, and one little nipple has turned the FCC into the Salem Witch Trials and the Gestapo rolled into one.

Y'all remember Janet Jackson's nipple at the Super Bowl, right?  Well, I don't, because at the SPLIT FUCKING SECOND it was on the screen, I wasn't looking at it.  But boy oh boy have I heard about it since.  And since then, the FCC has taken up the standard of the Moral Minority and is out to make sure that young children never see nipples ever again.  They might stop short of mandating nipple removal for all humans, but then again, who knows.  Bush might try to rewrite the Constitution to have all nipples eradicated from the human body by 2006.

Now hears the way U.S. television works, for those of you outside the Fifty States who see nipples all the time and wonder what the big fuckin' deal is:  nipples are bad.  Vaginas are bad.  Strut Carmen Electra on the screen butt-nekkid, the FCC will be on you like a pit bull on a five-year old eating jerky.  Put something on her that barely covers her nipples and her box, well, that's all right.  One shot of a nipple for seventeen-one-hundredths of a second?  Immoral.  Evil.  Show seven people get executed gangland-style on a cop show?  That's fine.  Watch a beer commercial.  Never ever EVER will you see ANYONE on that commercial ACTUALLY DRINK THE BEER (disclaimer:  that's the way it used to be, I haven't seen every single beer ad, maybe that's changed, but for now, run with me on this).  This is so our youth don't know what beer is for.

Now, not ALL television is like that about nipples.  Just ABC, CBS, NBC, and FOX.  Why?  Because they are "broadcast networks."  You can turn on Comedy Central and hear Eric Cartman spout off "asshole," but that's OK.  But not "fuck."  Fuck bad, asshole good.  Who drew THAT fuckin' line in the sand?

"Well Bob, what words should we not allow them to say?"
"Well, George, how about 'fuck'?"
"Yeah, fuck is bad.  How about 'asshole'?"
"No, asshole's fine."
"You're right.  Fuck it."

Now, that would be the second level of U.S. television.  Then there's "pay channels."  HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, etc.  Fuckfuckfuckityfuckfuckfuck, FCC be damned.  They can say and show whatever the fuck they feel like, no problemo.  Why?  Well, I guess the theory is that they have to be paid for.  Then again, technically, Comedy Central has to be paid for too - I can't pick it up with a rooftop antenna - but they can't say "fuck."

Now Simon Cowell is in shit because of this:

First, Janet Jackson gave us Nipplegate, now Simon Cowell has caused Fingergate.

Midway through Tuesday's two-hour "American Idol," eagle-eyed viewers of Fox's hit show spotted Cowell with his middle finger resting on his cheek. For anyone living under a rock, he appeared to deliver the hand signal for the F-bomb.

Making matters worse, it occurred moments after Cowell and fellow judge Paula Abdul disagreed on a performer.

The controversy and furor was fueled yesterday by Internet conspiracy theorists who suggested Cowell's hand gesture was an intentional jab at Abdul, rather than an accident.

No way, said Cowell, better known as "Mr. Nasty."

"I certainly would never make a gesture like that toward Paula or on national television," Cowell said in a statement released yesterday by Fox.

"Sometimes I lean on my index finger. Sometimes a different finger. Sometimes two at the same time, or, God help me, even the whole hand. I never even thought about it until now."

Later, he also denied it again to "Idol" co-star Ryan Seacrest on Seacrest's live "On-Air" show:

"Oh give me a break," Cowell said. "I mean, it's every year. If you scratch your nose with your middle finger, you're flipping someone off. ...You put your head in your hands, it's crazy."

Seacrest, who often battles with Cowell on-air, though they're very friendly off-air, defended the cantankerous judge.

"He sits like that," Seacrest told viewers. "Last year they brought this up. I honestly don't think he realizes that he's sending the wrong message."

Fox airs "American Idol" - and all live shows - with a 5-second delay, which would allow them to censor on the spot any offending material.

But Fox standards executives watching when the hand gesture arose, deemed Cowell's movements as "benign body posture."

Indeed, the segment aired uncut on the West Coast as well.

Trouble is, after Justin Timberlake introduced Jackson's breast to the world during the Super Bowl halftime show in February, everyone is on edge for anything that has a whiff of indecency on television - or on radio for that matter.

And there's greater concern when it comes to "American Idol," because sponsors buy in to what they believe is a clean show, and it draws a lot of family viewing. An estimated 27 million viewers were watching Tuesday, according to Nielsen Media Research.

I mean, ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDING ME?  Jesus, the nipple thing I can understand, but THIS?  I don't even watch the show, but for fuck's sake, come on!  My grandmother used to point with her middle finger, do I now have to assume that she was flipping off everyone in the room for decades?  Is the fucking Federal Communication Commission that hard up for shit that they're going to go after this now?  What's next?  Who are we kidding here?  I can listen to a "testimony" of a girl getting brutally raped on "Law & Order" and THAT'S OK with the FCC?  What fucking maniac picks what gets looked at and what doesn't?

But all this meddling by the FCC is supposed to keep our country moral.  Yeah, fuckin' BLOW ME.  If we weren't so fucking sexually and emotionally repressed in this country, none of this would be an issue.  But the Moral Minority takes it upon itself to fuck with the rest of us, and frankly, I'm sick of it.  Jerry Falwell and Oral Roberts and the rest of them can line up behind me and pucker up to my little brown eyeball.  I don't remember asking Bush or the FCC or Jerry Falwell to make up my mind for me and tell me what is and is not moral and just and right.  Because, let's face it, when you talk morality, you're talking religion, and in this country, church and state are supposed to be separate.  Supposed to be.  They're NOT, especially with Dubya, but we all like to believe that our government works for us.  We also like to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.

The government sucks balls, boys and girls.  Look at your nipples now, they might not be there for much longer.

(For your information, the word "fuck" appears 24 times on this page.  And there's not a fucking (25) thing the FCC can do about it.)