February 26, 2002 - Rantings Of A Crazy Drunk

26 February 2002

Organizations like the The American Civil Liberties Union (motto: "If You're A Piece Of Shit Who Did Something Wrong, We'll Protect You") really get up my ass, and this e-mail that I received from a friend of mine today, while poking fun, brings that point home:

To ensure we never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people.

They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips.

Pause a moment and take the following test.

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Norwegians from Ballard;
(b) Elvis;
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy;
(b) Crazed feminists screeching that being able to throw a grenade beyond its own burst radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in basic training;
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Luca Brasi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2;"
(b) The Tooth Fairy;
(c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train thing; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers;
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wee Willie's women problems;
(c) the WWF, to promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless;" or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny,
(b) the Supreme Court of Florida trying to outdo their attempted hijacking of the 2000 Presidential election;
(c) Mr. Bean; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

Hmmmmm............. nope, ain't no patterns here.

I think that everyone in this country, and for that matter the world, would be a lot better off if they all stopped sitting around looking for something to be offended by. On that same note, you'd all be better off realizing that there are things in this universe more fucking important than you. I wish that I had the Total Perspective Vortex from Restaurant at The End Of The Universe just to make everyone feel as insignificant as they really are, if only for a moment.

Allow me to elucidate: NO ONE GIVES A RAT'S ASS ABOUT THE PRIVACY OF YOUR TOILETRIES BAG. OK? If you don't like being searched and "profiled" in an era ushered in by the hijacking of four airplanes, the destruction of two of the tallest buildings on Earth (actually, three if you count WTC7), the damage of others, and the deaths of over three thousand people who just wanted to go to work, or even more damning, to go home, then do me a favor and go kill yourself. Oh, did I mention that not ONE of the asswarts who did this was Irish, Russian, Malaysian, or Swedish? I saw the names of those 19 assholes, and every single one was... you guessed it, Arab. If you think that you are so fucking important that you shouldn't have to wait an extra hour in line at the airport in light of the situation we have faced since those donkey-raping ass-biting camelfuckers pulled that shit on September 11th, why don't you just pack up all your shit, go find a desert island that no one's ever been to, and fucking stay there. Then you can go and be as important as you want, because you WILL be the most important person. That is, until you die of dysentery or are eaten by a shark or something.

Muslim? Don't like being "profiled"? Well guess what, I'm American and don't like waking up in the morning to ships bombed from rafts, bombed embassies, mauled cities and three thousand dead countrymen, or kidnapped journalists with their throats slit. So, since this is THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA and we make the rules in this here neck of the woods, go back to your yak farm in Yemen if you don't like it. Yeah, you always believed that this was "the land of the free and the home of the brave," and I always believed that when I went back to New York every year I'd see the World Trade Center out the window of the plane, and since it's YOUR COUNTRYMEN who are doing this shit, I suggest you put your big fucking ego on hold for a while, bend over, and let the nice security guard make sure you don't have C-4 implanted in your ass, because trust me, if you DID, you wouldn't be the first one of your countrymen to do it.

There's a whole world out there, fucko, you're just one insignificant little cog in the machine of life, and if you don't like the fact that the machine's mechanics have to inspect you once in a while to make sure that you're not gonna fuck up the machine for everyone else, tough shit. I didn't get the memo in church that you had been put on this Earth at a higher level of existence from the rest of us and therefore did not have to come under the rules of mortal man. You aren't so special that you don't have to be searched in a time when the guy behind you might have an explosive device in his sneakers. See, when I have to get screened at the airport, I don't care if the guy wants to look at every piece of clothing in my bag, I don't care if the FBI wants to screen my e-mail or my regular mail because there is some (erroneous) indication that I might be a threat, nor could I give a flying fuck about anything related. Why, you ask? Because I have nothing to hide. If you REALLY have a problem, then maybe YOU have something to hide, and all the more reason to check you out a little more than everyone else. Remember one thing: like it or not, this country became a lot less "free" at 8:46 a.m. on 11 September 2001. The Founding Fathers, when drafting The Bill Of Rights that you are so ready to wave in everyone's face, never envisioned the world you now live in. If they did, it would have been called "The Bill Of Things That Are A Really Good Idea But Maybe Once In A While In The Name Of National Security Should Be Looked Over Until We Get Done Making Sure Your Sorry Asses Are Safe From Any More Camelfuckers With Airplanes."

Furthermore, I don't give a rat's ass that those pieces of human fecal matter in Camp X-Ray at Gitmo didn't get their full rights under the Geneva Convention. No one in the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, or on those the four planes did either, but I don't see the fucking ACLU screaming about that. While you're looking for that nice desert island, why don't you take the ACLU with you? Do us all a favor.