3 July 2002

Tomorrow is the 226th anniversary of T. Jeff, J.Mad, and G.Wash giving kind ol' King George the big colonial middle finer and telling him to take his taxes, his laws, and saying, "You know what?  We can fuck up our own plot of land without your help, ta ta!"

I have made this rant before, it's probably the first one I did.  It's about America-bashing.  Call This "Fuck All of You Part II."  Whenever there is a problem in the world, who the fuck do you look to?  Us.  When your ass is getting ready for a Marcellus Wallace ("Pulp Fiction" reference) pummeling, who are you crying out for?  Us.  Let's look at all the regions of this pile of shit we call Earth and figure out where the problems are...

(1) The Middle East

Well, did everyone write that shit down?  I know the list was long.

Allow me to summarize the "Middle East Problem" from start to finish:

Here's the Jews.  Here come the Egyptians.  There go the Jews.  Here come the Jews, oh hey, isn't that Moses?  There go the Jews.  Here come the Jews, now they're "Israelis."  Everyone around Israel joins to wipe out the Jews.  The Jews open up a motherfuckin' planetoid-sized can of whoop-ass on the Arabs.  The Jews decide the best way to make friends with the neighbors is to build houses where the neighbors live.  The neighbors strap bombs to their chests and kill Isrealis.  That, missing some minor points, is where we stand today.

If I were Dubya, aka. George W. Bush, the current president of the United States of America, I would have said this last week:

You assholes have 48 hours to cut this shit out.  One more fucking bomb, one more fucking nail in a West Bank settlement home, we're leaving Afghanistan alone for twenty minutes and wiping up your greasy asses once and for all.

End of speech.

The Middle East (aka. The One Place On Earth Worse Than Phoenix) has not has a calm day since Osama Suckadick bin Laden's great-great-great-(ad nauseum)'s parents crawled out of the ocean with the tentacles attached to their bellies.  Do you honestly think it's gonna change?  Imagine millions of Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on your door every day.   Only the Jehovah's Witnesses have guns.  And bombs.  And they REALLY want you to read that piece-of-shit Watchtower magazine-pamphlet-propaganda-flyer pile of shit.

That end of the world needs an enema.  When you have people that honestly believe, despite what the very book they love to quote teaches, that killing innocent people will get them an E-ticket onto the Space Mountain of Heaven, you have left the real world and entered the motherfuckin' Twilight Zone, only Rod Serling isn't standing in the corner with a cigarette, it's a towelhead with a detonator strapped to his nutsack.  And he's LIKING it, that's the fucked up part.

What needs to be done for the good of the world is that we take all that ordinance that we need to get rid of, start at Jordan, and don't stop dropping it until we get to Turkey.  Hey, I'm sure that there are very nice Muslim people out there, some of whom may be reading this right now.  Hey, sorry, but your area of the world is an ass-cancer on the whole world.  If you have a cold, what do you do?  Take Ny-Quil.  If you have ass-cancer, what do you do?  Go for radiation treatment.  If your planet has an area that really fucking itches and causes problems and won't go away, what do you do?  Drop a few nukes.  Maybe a whole bunch of bombs.  Take a picture next time you're back in that part of the world, it may be the last time you can visit without a Geiger counter.

(Found this today:  http://www.restoringamerica.org/archive/war/you_worry_me.html  )

THE UPDATE:  5 July

Continuing on (sober) where I left off (drunk)...

Not for nothing, you assholes in the Middle East have had 5,000 years to figure your shit out.  In a land where raping a girl is seen as a "fitting punishment" for her brother walking unchaperoned with a higher caste girl (no, I do not make this shit up), where women and children are taught the finer points of field-stripping assault rifles, and where assholes like Osama bin Laden plot to kill thousands of innocent civilians with airplanes, I just don't see any hope in the near future that you're going to play nice with the rest of us.  If you were a body part, you would have been amputated decades ago.  There should be a rule:  you get 5,000 years to learn how to get along with everyone else.  After that, here come the nukes.  Wear sunglasses.

The world (as I see it) is like a family trip in the van: 

Europe is the mother-in-law, sitting in the back seat, kinda smelling funny, going on and on about how "you kids today" and "when I was your age" and "that's not the way we did things back then."  She's drawing Social Security and hasn't worked a day since Truman took office.

Asia is the spacy college-age child, staring out the window wondering what it would be like to be a bird flying way up high, staring at the flowers and wondering how great it would be to just roll in them all day long.  Of course, being a girl, every so often she is beset by an uncontrollable rage (ie. WWII).

The Middle East is the two bratty nine-year olds, poking each other, yelling, "Mom, Ahmed won't stop touching my hair," licking their fingers and giving each other wet willies.

Australia is Grandpa:  he's hanging out next to the mother-in-law reading a book, tuning everyone out, just happy to be here.

South America and Africa?  Did we leave them back at the McDonald's?

And America?  We're the parents in the front seat, and dad's telling the mother-in-law to shut her stinky piehole and yelling at the kids, "If you two don't stop it right now I'm pulling over and spanking the both of you!"

(Just to let you know, I thought of that in the shower.  Don't ask me why.)