4 August 2003
Car alarms. You know 'em, you hate 'em, you can't live without 'em. At least, judging by the bleeps, bloops, and woo-woos that come out of just about every person's car when they get out or get in, I assume you can't. You walk into the movie theater or the bar or the grocery store with the security, albeit falsely placed, that your treasure on wheels will be right where you left it when you come back.
Every year, according to the Federal Bureau of Investigations, $7.8 billion worth of cars never find their owners. That's a lot of cars. Now, you would have to think that most of those are newer-model vehicles, because where's the money in stealing a 1973 Pinto? And all those newer-model cars have - you guessed it - some sort of either (a) manufacturer installed "anti-theft" system, or (b) aftermarket "anti-theft" system. I use quotes because, if they really worked, there wouldn't be almost eight billion dollars worth of cars stolen annually, now would there?
Now you can argue that some of those cars are due to incredible stupidity by the owner/driver - leaves the car either with the keys in it or, even better, running, goes in to the store, comes out, and hey now! no car. But most of those are parked. And locked. And alarmed.
Where am I running with this? I've been listening to some guy's car alarm go off for the last two hours. It's a piece of shit Toyota Corolla with a smashed in driver's side quarterpanel, something no self-respecting thief would steal or teenager would hop in for a joyride. And God only knows what mix of narcotics the owner is on that the fucking cocksucker's been blaring for two hours and he hasn't stopped it.
First off, I want to find the one person - because it couldn't have been one of those worldwide developments like the wheel - who thought that the alternating tone alarm was a good idea, sit him in a chair, and make him listen to it until his eardrums bleed, his eyes explode, and... uh, some other grotesque abomination to his person happens. You know the one I'm talking about: woo-woo-woo-woo-woo / brap-brap-brap-brap / dooooo-OOOOO... dooooo-OOOO / doo-DOO-doo-DOO-doo-DOO-doo-DOO, and on and on.
But more importantly is this: when you hear a car alarm nowadays, do ANY of you look out the window, step out into the street, or call the police thinking, "Egad! Someone's vehicle is in the process of being stolen! I must do something immediately!" Fuck no. You ignore it. I know I do. And when it keeps going off every seventy-three seconds for two hours, I want to sodomize the owner with the fat end of an umbrella stand.
Now, there are always two groups of people in this world, A trying to stop B and B figuring out ways to circumvent the protection A sets up. There's the TSA with its head up its ass trying to protect planes, and there are terrorists who giggle and try to figure out ways to hijack planes. There are Republicans who claim they are for small government and go the other way, and Democrats who are too stupid to play on this. There are car alarm manufacturers who make alarms to stop thieves, and thieves who figure out ways to disable car alarms. Round and round and round we go, where it stops, nobody knows.
Now, I have an anti-theft countermeasure in my car, and I'm pretty sure that it works. I've had people who knew what it was and couldn't figure it out. The way it's set up, the thief would have to tear the whole fucking car apart just to figure out where it is. I've had people who knew what it was and couldn't figure it out. And by that time, someone might - just might - get suspicious. And here's the best part: no bleeps, bloops, and woo-woos, no noises whatsoever. No neighbors lying in bed seething and imaging visiting extreme physical violence upon your person because the woo-woo/bleep-bleep is going off at 2 a.m.
Car alarms are like putting on a seatbelt in a Miata (I should know). If you get into an accident, the odds are you're dead, but we put our seatbelts on because it makes us feel safe. That feeling may change when you're flipped over sandwiched between your car and the asphalt surface of the Grand Central Parkway and thinking, "Gee, maybe if I didn't have the seatbelt on, my skull wouldn't be quite so mangled and fractured." But I digress. Your alarm isn't going to stop a thief. He already knows what's in your car and how to bypass it. And if you can't get your car alarm to STOP FUCKING GOING OFF EVERY MINUTE, I'm going to throw a brick through it and give it a fucking reason to go off.
