6 April 2002
I would like to address one of my biggest pet peeves of all: the word "we" in sports. No, I am not referring to the concept of teamwork, where everyone on the team feels connected and uses the first person plural to describe what happened. No, I am referring to your everyday sports fan using the word "we" when talking about his team.
Look, you fat fuck: there is no "we." "We" implies "me and all of you/all of them," implies direct involvement by the person speaking. "You" didn't do shit, ergo, the term "we" does not apply. "You" weren't in the lineup, "you" weren't warming up in the bullpen, "you" weren't even a batboy. It happens everywhere. Listen to your average, semi-dim sports fan talk about his favorite team, he'll say, "we can't pull off a hit-and-run," "we can't convert on a power play," "we can't get fast break points." We, huh? What spot were you batting in the lineup? Cut the "we" shit out, "you" didn't do anything.
It even happens in sports broadcasts. FOX (Flash Over Xperience) Sports was covering an Arizona Cardinals game last September, and the female reporter (I'm not saying that women are inferior to men in the field of reporting, but by and large, they are) used the term "we" several times when talking about the Cardinals' first-half play. Not only is it ignorant, it's unprofessional. Then again, it's FOX Sports, where flashy graphics and bombshell bimbos are used to overshadow shallow intelligence and bad journalism. However, if you listen to professional sports reporters and broadcasters, the ones with IQs larger than their belt size, the Michael Wilbons, Mike Lupicas, Peter Bottes, and Dick Schaaps (God rest his soul) of the world, they NEVER use the term "we." And these are people who are paid to talk and write about these teams every day.
Living in Arizona, I have had to listen to Diamondback fans all winter long about "us" and "we" (and me being a born-and-raised Yankee fan from Brooklyn, you have NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT GRATES AGAINST ME) and how "we're gonna do it again this year." When I see you in the lineup, you can say "we." When you draw a paycheck signed by Jerry "Sold My Soul To The Devil For a Trophy" Colangelo*, you can say "we." I understand that you want to feel connected to your team, you want to feel as if you're an integral part of the whole experience, but you're not doing shit to sway the outcome one way or the other. Sitting in a barstool gulping down your ninth PBR is not "we."
(* I used the "sold my soul" term above because in the off-season, ol' Jerry had to take on new investors to pump $160 mil into the team, in large part due to his overspending and need-to-win-now philosophy, an investment whereby, in ten years, he will lose controlling interest in the team to the new investors. Ergo, sold his soul. He traded his ownership for a trophy. Good job, fucko.)
I've been a Yankee fan since the age of 6, I follow the team religiously these days from 2,500 miles away, and this was the first year in a while that I was not at Yankee Stadium for Opening Day (although I am going to be there for nine games in June). And yet, with all my Yankee memories, hats, t-shirts, jerseys, pictures, autographs, newspaper articles, baseball cards, yearbooks, scorecards, ticket stubs, etc., I still say "they" and "the Yankees." I don't say "we." I've never made a diving stop at third, never told Jeter to open his stance, never scouted a rookie, and never sat on the bench. I refer to the Yankees correctly, in the third-person.
So, stop saying "we," because the next person I hear say "we have to start moving baserunners" while watching a D-backs game is going to get a kick in the beanbag from me.
That's it, I'm done.
