MALE RULES OF EXISTENCE

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts.  You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes.  For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden.  You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man (In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional).

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with ("jumping on the grenade") is your legal duty.  Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is
forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. You girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them.  You are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads; low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

20. (Gas Warfare Act) You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you've brought her to climax.  But if you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

21. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

22. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.  Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another man in the nuts.

23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

24. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.  Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

25. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos.  Ever.  Issue closed.

26. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:  "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more!  Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." " Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

27. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.  That's just plain mean.

28. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

29. Never join your girlfriend/wife in discussing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

30. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:  either both urinating or both waiting in line.  In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

31. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him... too gay.

32. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention.  If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "Fuck OFF!" you are absolved of your responsibility.

33.  The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

34.  It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a). When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b). The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c). After wrecking your boss' car.
d). One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e). When she is using her teeth

35.  On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

36.  Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.  Hang up if necessary.

37.  It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

38.  Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

39.  The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2. End of story