Marriage Humor

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.  That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956

A man is incomplete until he is married.  After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper.  Every time I get divorced, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman

She's a lovely person.  She deserves a good husband.  Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancée

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

Marriage is like a cage;  one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;  they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi

By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.  If you get a bad one, you'll be a philosopher... and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

A successful man is one who makes more than his wife can spend.  A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West

(the following are anonymous/unknown authors):

Marriage is a three ring circus:  engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

Marriage is bliss.  Ignorance is bliss.  Therefore...

Marriage is not a word - it's a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;  the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven.  But so again are thunder and lightning.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.  After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know you can live with;  only marry a person that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to pay strict attention to everything you say, talk in your sleep.