How to Be a Superhero
Rules for Choosing a Superhero Name:
Don't call yourself by your real name:
Mr. Fred Pinchuk
The Amazing Stevie Foster
Don't call yourself by someone else's real name:
Mr. Teddy Kennedy
Captain Dean Martin
Choose a name that suggests power, heroism, and prowess:
Captain Power
Thunderman
Mr. Invincible
Justiceman
But don't labor the point:
Mister-So-Fucking-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy
Don't be too modest:
Mr. Pretty Good
Captain So-So
Fairly Incredible Man
Don't choose a name detrimental to your crimefighting image:
Captain Spongecake
Mr. Asshole
Yellow Streak
Purple Helmet
Captain Evil
Dr. Shit-For-Brains
Don't choose a name with a sexual double-meaning. For example, AC/DC Man is not a good name for a man with electrical powers.
Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillians.
It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
Don't call yourself The Invisible Boy... if you're not.
Don't call yourself The Invisible Boy... if you're a girl.
Don't call yourself The Invisible Lady... if you're a man - even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
Don't give away any important information in your name:
The Glass Jaw
Captain Vulnerable to Strontium-90
Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume, you'll confuse people.
Good and Bad Things to Keep in Your Crimecave:
Good: Robot doubles Bad: Rubber women
Good: Presidential Hotline Bad: Mickey Mouse or Garfield phone
Good: Detailed map of the city Bad: Color poster of The Backstreet Boys
Good: Crime library Bad: Stash of stroke mags
Good: Your Crimemobile on a turntable Bad: Skateboard and ramp
Good: Sickbay and Auto-Medic Center Bad: Tin of Band-Aids
Good: Spare costumes Bad: Basques and peep-hole bras for the rubber women
Good: Computerized intruder detection system linked to multiplex alarm Bad: Piece of cotton stretched across door tied to small bell
Good: Forensic analysis laboratory Bad: Whiskey still
Good: City in a bottle, shrunk by your archenemy Bad: Jar of candy
Good: Teleportation tube Bad: Bus timetable
Good: Scale model of the galaxy showing life-sustaining planets Bad: Model railroad layout
Good: Trophy room to display crimefighting and bodybuilding awards Bad: Trophy room to display bowling awards
Good: Computerized crime files on CD-RW Bad: Collection of Anthrax CDs
Good: Secret emergency exit Bad: Doggie door
Good: Weapon calibration tester Bad: Pinball machine
Good: Gym and fitness center Bad: Fridge full of TV dinners, cold pizza, and ice cream
Good: Mainframe crime computer Bad: Sony PlayStation
Good: Hi-octane jet fuel storage for Crimemobile Bad: Minibar stocked with beer
Good: Self-contained power generating system Bad: Electricity meter and pile of loose change
Good: Combat simulation area Bad: Trivial Pursuit set
Sidekicks:
Advantages of a Boy Wonder
They can watch your back in the thick of a fight.
They can carry your accessory belt if you're feeling lazy.
They can make you look taller and hunkier by comparison.
They're small and supple enough to wriggle out of their bonds and free you from Puffinmaster's diabolical death trap - just in time!
They're just about the right height for headbutting or biting a supervillian in the nuts - which makes them a force to be feared in the criminal underworld.
They're someone you can explain the plot to for the benefit of particularly slow readers.
They can give your comic a vital sales boost simply by getting themselves killed.
When they die, you have an excuse to go on a protracted frenzied rampage of violent revenge - and keep your sales figures high.
Disadvantages of a Boy Wonder:
They'd much rather stay in and play Tekken than go out on patrol.
They get shy and awkward when confronted by a female supervillian.
They pick their noses when you're with the Police Commissioner.
They want to wear their iPod into combat.
People talk...
A 13-year old boy is no match for a 210-lb. criminal sociopath with death-ray glare.
They go into a sulk if you won't play a 12-day game of Dungeons and Dragons with them.
They embarrass you by whistling at girls out of the Crimemobile.
They never tidy up after themselves, so the whole Crimecave quickly gets littered with dirty t-shirts, comics, skateboards, apes, discarded bubble gum, catcher's mitts, smelly socks, half-eaten candy bars, half-finished model cars, long-forgotten packets of condoms bought in a moment of supreme bravado and overconfidence, dirty plates, CDs out of their cases, stroke mags, tubes of acne cream, and crumpled tissues.
They don't wash, so they smell.
They think it's funny to suddenly fart in public.
They can easily be taunted by supervillians into bursting into tears and running off simply by pointing and shouting, "Virgin! Virgin! Look everybody, there's a virgin Boy Wonder over here!"
They'll quite happily play stickball in the middle of $20 million worth of criminology lab equipment.
They get carsick in the Crimemobile.
In the midst of battle, it's futile to yell, "Battle maneuver 18, buddy!" because chances are they can't count that high.
They call you things like "The Big Enchilada" or "Super-Dude."
They get zits and look really unsightly.
They think your bald spot is hilarious.
They talk crap.
They make you feel very old.
Advantages of a Girl Wonder:
They look much better than a Boy Wonder.
People don't automatically assume that you're, uh, you know, that way...
Overall, they're much more intelligent and mature than boys of the same age.
People think you must be OK to be seen in the company of such a hot babe.
Supervillians get dead jealous of you.
You might get lucky.
Disadvantages of a Girl Wonder:
They're always holding slumber parties in the Crimecave.
One tiny zit and they're out of action for at least two weeks.
They insist on having a dozen different costumes to wear.
They won't fight crime if The Backstreet Boys are on MTV.
They won't fight crime if they're waiting for a phone call.
Other Superheroes will try to steal her away from you.
They kill people during their PMS.
They jam up the Emergency Crime Hotline with calls to Tammy, Samantha, Jo-Jo, Mindy, Mandy, Shelly, Bernice, Pam, Tina, Linda, the Berkowitz twins - and Jim.
If you receive an emergency call at 2 a.m. and their hair is in curlers, forget it.
They're no use for fighting Tarantula Man or Rat Master.
Their approach to fighting supervillians tends to be strictly limited to pulling their hair, slapping their face, or hitting them with a shoe.
They get crushes on your archenemy because "he's like so totally dark an' mysterious an' mean an' moody but that's only because someone musta rilly hurt him bad one time. I can tell..." blah blah blah.
They won't watch your back in combat if you failed to notice their new hair style.
They get upset if you and your archenemy start shouting at each other during battle.
Good Things to Put Down Your Tights Before Battle:
Titanium steel plating.
Electronic groinal defense shield.
Socks (to sexually intimidate insecure supervillians).
Acid-resistant gonad shroud.
Asbestos fire blanket.
Electromagnetic scrotal forcefield generator.
Love Blob auto security system.
Genital-seeking missile repulsor unit.
Bulletproof penile shaft armor.
Your Girl Wonder's hands.
Your Girl Wonder's head.
All of the above, simultaneously.
Bad Things to Put Down Your Tights Before Battle:
Glass jockstrap.
Epileptic lobsters.
Bear trap with a dodgy spring.
Napalm.
Five pounds of wriggling cockroaches (unless it intimidates supervillians).
Four gallons of quick-drying cement.
Your barbed-wire collection.
Genital-seeking missile.
Your Boy Wonder's hands.
Your Boy Wonder's head.
A piece of modern sculpture consisting entirely of razor blades.
Supervillians You Want to Tackle:
Fishpaste Sandwich Maker
Baron Scaredy-Cat
The Crochet Master
Mr. White-Knuckles
Nosebleed Boy
Dr. Scared Shitless
Bondage Damsel
Sissy Man
Fellatio Lass
Supervillians to Avoid:
Emitorr, the Nuclear Radiation Man
Thargorr the Planet Crusher
Dr. Slaughterhouse
Garth, the Gonad Detonator Supreme
Dr. Disemboweler
The Slasher from Beyond The Stars
Krisparr the Incinerator
Sun-Up the Solar Sodomizer
Fellatio Lad
Mr. Rip-Your-Nuts-Off-And-Eat-Them-In-Front-Of-You
