There is no such thing as a chocolate martini.

There is no shame in club soda and cranberry juice.

There is  a reason for the scarcity of piano bars.

Visiting the pub will be cheaper in the long run if you tip the bartender regularly and more generously than is necessary.

Never eat the pickled eggs.

Never order a frozen drink in a place that serves pickled eggs.

Actually, never order a frozen drink.

It's also not a bad idea to eschew the pickled pigs' feet, although their presence is fairly strong evidence that you've actually stumbled upon a real tavern.

For the sake of the children, leave the pistol at home.

While you're at it, leave the children at home, too.

Unless you are lounging on the Promenade Deck, do not drink from a fruit.

Champagne is a place.  Bordeaux is a place. Champale is NOT a place.

Grappa is to lighter fluid as ouzo is to lighter fluid.

Garnish matters.

Despite a high ratio of female clientele, an insouciant way with fried mozzarella, and their prevalence in resort towns, establishments where a waitress pours shots into your mouth from a bottle she holsters in a bandolier are fraught with peril.

When throwing a party, break the seals on all liquor bottles, lest guests should hesitate to open them and come to doubt your hospitality.

Better yet:  Hire a bartender.

The perfect manhattan:  two parts bourbon, one part sweet vermouth, bitters, and a splash of cherry juice.  Over the rocks or not.

At the holiday office party, consume one drink less than your boss.

Adopt a new favorite cocktail on a seasonal basis.

That sangria  means "bloodletting" is more a cautionary note than a simple fact.

Dry martinis, being nothing but gin, aren't all they're cracked up to be.

If you still want a martini, know that you cannot actually bruise gin, so go ahead and shake.

On the other hand, shaking introduces air bubbles that make the martini look cloudy for a time, so stir, already, if you're so particular.

Drinks that give you bad breath:  beer, anything sweet, anything with milk.

Drinks that give you good breath:  gin and tonic, gimlet, vodka and cranberry, anything with citrus.

Instead of ordering that shot of After Shock to cap off the evening, one could just walk calmly into the street, lie down, and wait.

Alternatively, you could pinch the bouncer's ass.

Hungarian proverb:  if three people tell you that you are drunk, lie down.

Every man should know how to make at least one drink from a foreign country, preferably one taught to him by a local female with whom he has had a complicated, unresolved, and quite possibly dangerous dalliance.

The perfect negroni:  four parts gin, one part sweet vermouth, and one part Campari shaken with ice and strained.  Orange peel.

Citrus cocktails benefit greatly from rubbing lemon peel around the rim of the glass.

Jack Daniel's.  Rocks.

There is nothing sadder than a guy who orders beer by the pitcher when he's drinking alone.

Fresh orange juice.  Fresh lemon juice.  Fresh lime juice.

The perfect margarita:  one part fresh lime juice, one part Cointreau, and one and a half parts tequila over ice.

On those chrome, hourglass-shaped bar measuring cups, the big side is the jigger.  The little side is the pony.  Never use the pony.

If you must:  single-malt Scotch in a brandy snifter with a splash of water.

Avoid bars that use plastic cups, bars whose bathrooms consist solely of a trough-style urinal, bars with chicken wire protecting the band, bars where Patrick Swayze is the bouncer.

There is rarely any genuine need to shout "Skal!" "Na zdorovye!" "Slainte!" "Bottoms up!" or "Down the hatch!"

No one but the bouncer cares how tough you are, and he already knows you're not that tough.  And while we're on the subject, if you think that your girlfriend/wife finds it chivalric or macho to get into a testosterone contest with someone else in a bar, think again.  She doesn't.

Drinking is not a competitive sport.

A thought for the holidays:  gift wine should not be recognizable as having come from a grocery store.

Gift wine, being a gift, is not for tonight's party, unless the host opens it.

Decent wine costs fifteen dollars a bottle.  Good wine costs thirty-five dollars.  No one can tell the difference.

Never drink in a place that calls itself an eatery.

The cosmopolitan is over.

Rye isn't as popular as it used to be.

The perfect highball:  one part rye to three parts ginger ale over ice.

There is no upside to karaoke.

There is an ever-so-slight upside to a wet T-shirt contest, as long as you're not in it.

It is not necessary to request premium liquor for a mixed drink in which you cannot taste it, such as a gimlet or sour.

On the other hand, ascertain exactly how nonpremium the "well" liquor is before you opt against the good stuff.

Sitting at the bar works only for two people.  Three or more require a table.

Always check your fly before leaving the john.

If you were sitting in the john, make sure your wallet didn't fall onto the floor.

Try to take care of the sitting thing at home.

Never utter the words I  and love and you  if you've had more than three drinks.

If you're a lightweight, make that one drink.

The perfect Shirley Temple:  ginger ale over ice to fill a wine glass, splash grenadine, orange slice, lemon twist, cherry.

If a bartender makes you flail your arms or beg for service, well, obviously, leave.

Don't call the bartender Barkeep, Chief, Buddy, or Ace, unless his name is in fact Barkeep, Chief, Buddy or Ace.

Even if you have ascertained your bartender's name, behaving overly familiar with him will be seen as a pathetic gambit for free drinks or, worse, proof that you have nobody to go to for affection other than a random service-industry professional who does not, in fact, know you and just wants your money.

The one foolproof hangover cure:  don't get drunk.

Once you've fallen off a stool, there is little you can say to the bartender that will change his mind about asking you to leave.

Also know that there is nothing cheeky and clever you can say to a female bartender that she hasn't already heard from some other schmuck before you.

Don't eat the worm.

If you don't smoke and you're in a bar, don't complain about other people who happen to be smoking, because, virtuous friend, you are in a bar.

Instead of trying to remember whether it's "beer before liquor" or the other way around, just be an adult and stick to one or the other.

Acceptable drinks for men:  beer, wine, whiskey, cocktails that are neither sweet nor made with dairy or fruit other than lime or lemon or orange.

Acceptable drinks for women:  whatever they want, except for a certain few.

A certain few:  the grasshopper, the Long Island iced tea, the pink lady, and any variety of spritzer.

Also unacceptable:  drinks whose names mimic critical medical conditions or copulative acts and their secretions.

And while we're on the subject, drinks that are named after supposedly cute body parts, like navels, which are actually disgusting depositories for sebaceous grime.  No.

All of that said, never question a woman's drink choice.

If you're the first in the group to arrive and you start a tab on your card, you deserve exactly what's coming to you.

Likewise, if you have a bar tab and, as a gesture of kindness, order a drink on behalf of someone else, whether you know the person or not, it's no one's fault but your own if it ends up on your tab.  Kindness has its limits.  Know them.

Unless you are intimate with the group, if you forget which glass is yours, get a new one.

"I only smoke when I drink."  If you need to bum more than two cigarettes, buy a pack.

If you find yourself uttering the words, "Don't worry, I'll buy you a pack," you should buy yourself one.

Never leave your lighter on the bar.

Don't put fruit in the ashtray.

Don't put icecubes in the ashtray, either.  Fire... water... do the math.

Never sit at the bar in a low chair.

Never order last call in a club with pushy, steroid-hyped bouncers.  As soon as the bartender takes your money, they will tell you it's time to leave NOW.

Never go from a two-o'clock bar to a three-o'clock bar to a four-o'clock bar.  Go straight to the four-o'clock bar.

If you take turns buying each other drinks, you're not really buying each other drinks.

A tall glass of ice with a plastic cup on top will float in a pitcher and keep it cold.

If you have to keep your pitcher cold, you shouldn't be ordering pitchers.

There is an upside to karaoke:  incontrovertible proof that you should take your friend's keys.

If you put $5 in the jukebox, you will piss people off.

If someone puts $5 in the jukebox and only plays three songs, don't play all the rest of them.

If you play more than two Elvis songs, there is something wrong with you.

Never bring beer (or an empty) into a bar with you.  You don't look cool, especially since you are carrying a can of Pabst Light.

Get an automatic starter for your car.  It really freaks out the couple trying to make out against your car.

For God's sake, leave the dog at home.

Don't complain about the foul language in front of your children at the bar;  you shouldn't have brought them in the first place.

Never bring an open case of beer to a party.  At least fake it by putting it in a cooler.

If you spill something syrupy like Goldschlager or Rumple Minze, a paper napkin ain't gonna cut it.

Lemon is not appropriate for tequila "training wheels."

Ladies:  you're not fooling anyone by licking your hand and salting everywhere but your hand (or not tipping the salt cellar not enough or forgetting to lick your hand).  Just forget the salt all together if you don't like it.

Switching to coffee at the end of the night doesn't count if it has Bailey's or Frangelico in it.

Three beans in your Sambuca definitely doesn't count.

Galliano is better served separately in a cordial glass instead of the coffee.

Ask about the Bloody Mary mix before ordering.  Ingredients can and may include - but not limited to - beer, pickles, pickle juice, A-1, Worcestershire, bitters, lemon, lemon juice, lime juice, celery, celery salt, mustard powder, hot peppers, and horseradish.

A lime coated with bitters is good for the hiccups (hiccoughs).

Vicks 44M is 80 proof.

Religion, politics, and work are forbidden topics.  Sports conversations can also lead to fights.

Lining up along the edge hoping to "bump" into girls as they pass to and from the dance floor is pathetic.  And you know who you are.

Never show surprise that the food in the 24-hour restaurant sucks.

If you're getting a round, order all of your drinks at once.  If the bartender has to go and come back three times for one order, chances are he won't come back for your next round.  Or this one will cost a few bucks more.

Always check for paper on your shoes before leaving the bathroom.

Warm drinks catch fire better than chilled ones.

When running a "table tab," the person who orders the most will chip in the least or leave before the check comes.

If you didn't eat any of the pizza, you don't have to chip in for it.  If you ate a slice, pay up.

If everyone else is drinking pitchers, don't take money from the kitty for your mixed drinks or bottles.

Nobody is putting himself through college selling M&Ms bar to bar.

Never buy anything from a guy that looks like he should be running a comic book store.

Having a drunk drive you home is bad, but don't ask someone who just walked in to drive you home, now.  Survey says "taxi."

Be nice to the fat, ugly chick.  She is driving the two hot ones home.

Men can be pigs even if you weren't wearing a halter top, mini-skirt, fuck-me pumps, and fishnets, but don't expect them to be gentlemen when you're dressed like that, either.

Don't stand in the aisle.  There's a reason no one else was standing there.

There is also a reason no one was standing right in front of the dart board.

Leave the harmonica at home until you've learned how to play it.

Even then, leave the harmonica at home.

Really, there is no reason to recharge your perfume/cologne in the bathroom.

The cops wait outside the burrito place for a reason.

Don't let the lonely old guy buy you a beer, or he will never shut up.

Campari shaken with ice and strained into a martini glass.

Almost never have more than three cocktails.

Never order a cocktail with more than four ingredients.

If it doesn't have vermouth, it's not a Martini.  If what you really want is iced gin (or vodka) straight up, order it that way.

Grain alcohol and purple Kool-Aid do not a punch make.

Pick up your drinks before moving the table.

Single-malt Scotch and soda:  there oughtta be a law.

A lime yields about an ounce of juice, a lemon a little more.

Two singles are better than one double.

Ice.  Lots and lots of ice.

Shun novelty.  Suspect innovation.

If you strain your citrus juice, everything will be easier to clean.

When all else fails, have a Martini.

The perfect martini:  there is no such thing as the perfect martini.  Make it the way it tastes best to you.

Provided that you remember that there is no such thing as a chocolate martini.

*Stolen blatantly from Esquire Magazine, with some added rules from some random people.