Another fine addition to any wet bar, especially about 8 a.m. the next morning when you wake up feeling like several small creatures used your mouth as a toilet.
DISCLAIMER: While it may appear from what I've written below that I am the world's foremost authority (if self-appointed) on wet bars, the truth is I'm just a lifelong bartender. This is in no way meant to be a Bible of the Bar, but rather a basic blueprint from which you can stock your home bar. It is quite possible that I've left out something. Well, maybe not "quite," but you get the idea. While none of what is written below should cause bodily harm to anyone (unless one of your houseguests gets violent that you don't have Mount Gay rum or something), don't hold me responsible for anything omitted or erroneous in this piece.
If you are the kind of person who entertains people on a regular (or even semi-regular) basis, then you have possibly faced the embarrassment of having a poorly stocked bar. After all, unless your friends are Mormons, what party doesn't start (and usually end) with drinks?
Well, in an effort to alleviate the pressure of guessing what one should have, I have compiled a list of items you should own prior to inviting friends over.
The suggestions I make are for someone who entertains about 20 people at a given time. If you have more, adjust the figures accordingly.
(This is also a work-in-progress, so excuse me if I forgot something or misquoted an amount)
SHELF LIFE OF ALCOHOL
I've had a bunch of people e-mail me and ask what the shelf life is of this or that. The answer is simple: alcohol does not go bad. Alcohol does not spoil. Booze doesn't lose its punch, provided you keep it capped. You have a bottle from 1957? Big fucking deal, there are bottles of wine older than that. There are cognacs available that were distilled during the American Civil War. Drink up, buttercup.
I swear to fucking Christ in heaven, if one more person e-mails me saying they have a bottle of something and it's a year old and they don't know if it's still good, I'm going to reach through my IP address and strangle them. These mental midgets obviously didn't read the above paragraph. One more fucking time: ALCOHOL DOES NOT GO BAD. EVER. It's a fucking preservative, for fuck's sake, you fucktards! Whether you never fucking opened it, opened it once, opened it twice, or shoved the bottle (with the cap on, of course) up your ass and danced around singing "Hava Fafuckingila" while harelipped Arabian dwarves threw pickles at you. So, if you are considering asking me about your bottle of Grand Marnier that you got for Christmas last year, think fuckin' again.
GLASSWARE
Vitally important, unless you plan on (a) having a cocktail waitress pour shots directly into your friends' mouths from a bottle she has holstered in a bandolier, or (b) they prefer simply drinking straight from the bottle. Also, you want to make sure that you have the correct glasses. While it tastes the same, a martini made in a snifter looks funny.
At the very least, you should have two dozen highball glasses (6 ounce or so) and two dozen pint glasses. Also, a dozen rocks glasses (4 ounce), half a dozen brandy snifters (12 ounce are fine), and six or eight martini glasses will help to fill out the collection.
And of course, we need wine glasses. Whites generally are preferred over reds. A dozen white wine and a dozen red wine glasses should suffice (and yes, there really is a difference). If you're not so snobby about the grape juice, then get a couple dozen all-purpose wine glasses. Also, invest in some port glasses (if you decide to get port), although some people prefer to use brandy snifters for their port so they can get a better nose.
BAR HARDWARE
By this, I mean things you use to make the drinks. You will need:
Martini shaker (three are better - keeps from having to clean them out every ten seconds): a tin shaker glass, when utilized with a lid and a drink strainer, will also function nicely. Make sure the shakers are big enough to handle a decent amount of liquid (at least 16 ounces).
Wine key: a real wine opener, not the one with the little arms on each side that flap up and down and the spinny thing with which you can do a Linda Blair impersonation from "The Exorcist." While it's good to imitate 1970's horror movies with, a waiter's wine opener is better.
Bottle opener: The best one would be one that can punch holes in the top of cans, but any kind will do. Avoid the ones that hang off a keychain, though.
Blender: The bane of every bartender - we hate blenders. However, that's because they are a pain in the ass to clean out all the time on a busy night. In the privacy of your home, a blender is acceptable. Any kind will do - don't spend extra money on some "Bar blender designed for frozen drinks" crap. A blender is a blender is a blender.
Champagne Stopper: Available most anywhere, it looks like a mutated cork. It's spring-loaded, keeping all those happy little bubbles in the bottle.
Juicer/Reamer: Looks like the Pro Football Hall of Fame, used to extract juice from citrus. Alternately, cutting the fruit in half, sticking a fork into the meat of the fruit and twisting has the same effect, but nowhere near as gracious. Watch for the seeds. TIP: rolling a fruit under the palm of your hand on a countertop (press hard, but don't smash it, Conan) will break up the fibrous interior and allow more juice to be extracted easier.
Strainer: Looks like a Slinky. Used on tin shaker glasses (see above) to strain drinks (hence the term "strainer").
Drink Guide: Unless you are a real bartender, or have been well-versed in the mixological arts, the purchase of a drink recipe book could prove to be beneficial. Although I have used one of these about three times in my entire life (and two of those times was as a paperweight), I can't make any recommendations, but The Bartender's Companion seemed pretty in-depth and complete.
Other Miscellaneous Items: If you are so inclined, you can get a muddler (looks like a small baseball bat, used for making Old Fashioneds and Mojitos and that's about it), a knife (useful for cutting fruit - while you're at it, how about a cutting board?), and a barspoon (looks like a long iced tea spoon with a twisted handle - good for layering drinks if you're into that sort of thing, and for stirring).
Since I believe that all drinks should be made to taste, I do not necessarily recommend that you buy a jigger (the evil hourglass measurer) or measuring spoons, but if you are some kind of sadistic person who strictly adheres to the Mr. Boston drink recipe, or you can't count to four (if you don't know what that means, ask any real bartender), go ahead.
LIQUORS, LIQUEURS, AND MIXERS
The heart and soul of the bar. I went to a party once where they ran out of vodka, which is the most popular of all the spirits. Don't be a statistic - stock wisely. I do not mention beer in this because beer is not a wet bar item - unlike liquor (when properly capped) and wine (when preserved with gas), beer has a shelf life of about 3 or 4 months. Then it tastes like ass. Beers have pull dates for a reason. Liquor, on the other hand, has a shelf life longer than you.
VODKA: I recommend a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka - vodka goes very fast. Personally, I suggest Ketel One, although Absolut is quite popular.
GIN: A fifth (750 ml) of Tanqueray or Bombay Sapphire will do nicely.
TEQUILA: A bottle of Patron (silver or gold, your choice) looks nice. If you can find it, and are willing to spend a few bucks more, I recommend Casta Weber Azul. It is as smooth a tequila as I have ever had.
SCOTCH: Scotch drinkers are the most particular of any group. They know exactly what they want and exactly how they want it. However, it is financially not feasible for most of us to stock 15 different varieties of Scotch, so I recommend a fifth of Dewars (a blended Scotch), Glenlivet, or Macallan (both single malts). The more aged versions of the single malts tend to be better, and also more expensive. The Macallan 18 yr. has a nose almost like sherry, and is distinctly different from most other Scotch. Depending how much you like your guests, purchase accordingly.
RUM: If you can get Cruzan, buy a fifth. If not, Bacardi Silver is quite acceptable. If you feel like it, get a bottle of Myers' Dark as well. One place I know of takes Myers', pours a little bit out of the bottle, and puts three cinnamon sticks and three vanilla beans into the bottle, re-caps it, and lets it stand for six months. The end result is quite fantastic. It's almost like drinking candy.
BOURBON: Almost as picky a group as the Scotch people. Basic bar: Jim Beam works well. Upscale: Knob Creek or Maker's Mark. Having a bottle of Bookers always looks nice, and an uncut bourbon definitely brings out the, uh, best in people (its proof varies by cask, but it is over 120 proof), but costs around $45 a bottle.
CANADIAN WHISKY: You can go either way on this. Crown Royal or Seagram's VO are both decent, but the Crown is, of course, in the distinctive bottle.
COGNAC: In my opinion, this is a luxury, unless you like cognac. Remy Martin is the most popular of them all, but Hine or Hennessey are better in quality, I think (unless you're talking Louis XIII). If you have an extra grand in your pocket, invest in the Louis. Otherwise, Remy VSOP or Martell VSOP will suffice nicely.
LIQUEURS: The average party can survive without these, but if you want to be semi-thorough (and have the shelf space), get: white creme de cacao, dark creme de cacao, white creme de menthe, dark creme de menthe, peach schnapps, peppermint schnapps, DeKuyper Apple Pucker (for the appletini lovers, and God, there are a lot of them), triple sec (or Cointreau if you are feeling magnanimous). Also, good staples for every respectable wet bar are Kahlua, Grand Marnier, Drambuie, and Bailey's Irish Cream. You can get by with a .375ml bottle of each.
MISCELLANEOUS: get a small bottle of sweet vermouth and dry vermouth (Martini and Rossi is the most popular). The bottle of dry vermouth should last you until the year 3124. Get a bottle of lime juice (most popular in gimlets and, of course, margaritas). I suggest Rose's. A small bottle of grenadine may come in handy one day. Also, I suggest a 1.75 liter of Jose Cuervo Margarita Mix, and a bottle of Rose's sweet and sour (there is a slight difference in taste between the two). A bottle of Angostura bitters will also be necessary, not only in certain drinks like a Manhattan or Old Fashioned, but the next morning with soda water when you drank too much the night before.
MIXERS: Coke, Diet Coke, and Sprite, as well as club soda and tonic water. Small bottles look better than cans and save you money in the long run over bigger bottles, which will tend to go flat before they're empty.
Of course, the brands are only recommendations - get whatever you like. Experimentation is the key to enlightenment - buy a different bottle of something every so often and try it. If you don't like it, give it to a friend. Booze always makes a good gift, even bad booze. And if you feel the need to buy more than what I said, go for it.
WINE
As I stated in the glassware section above, whites tend to be more popular than reds. You can go deep into your wallet trying to stock your bar with wines, but remember: people will generally drink what you have. You don't need every variety of wine available. So, what I suggest is the following: two or three bottles of chardonnay, a bottle of merlot, and a bottle of cabernet sauvignon. You can get a bottle of zinfandel if you like (by this, I mean red) - my personal favorite is Ravenswood. Of course, you can also get a bottle or two of white zinfandel (the wine for people that don't like wine), or if you would like to try them on something different, a bottle or two of Riesling, which is a sweeter white than a sauvignon blanc, and much better than a white zin, which no self-respecting wine drinker would ever be caught dead drinking. If you build a small wine rack into your bar, which does look impressive, get a few bottles of each. The thing about wine: to each his(her) own. Drink what you like. Go to the store once a week and buy a different type or brand. What's the worst that can happen, you don't like it? Ninety percent of people can't tell the difference between an eight dollar bottle of wine and a twenty-five dollar bottle.
NOTE: If you plan on having wine in your bar, invest in a can of preserver. It can be found in most wine sections of grocery stores and liquor stores. It is a neutral gas you spray into the bottle right before re-corking and shelving which keeps the wine from oxidizing and turning into vinegar. Unless you plan on consuming the whole bottle in a couple of days, I highly recommend the small investment.
BEER
Ah, the age old question: what should I do about suds? Should I go bottle, or invest in a keg tap? Every college student dreams of the keg fridge in the room, beer on demand and much cheaper than buying cases of it at the store. Plus, no bottle (or can) waste. Consider this: a keg (or half-barrel) of Bud Light costs (around) $55 at a liquor store. A half-barrel is 15.5 gallons of beer. That's 165 twelve-ounce bottles, which would cost around $110 (if bought in 12-packs at regular price). And then you have 165 empty beer bottles laying around (I am not mentioning cans, which are cheaper, but as any beer drinker knows, taste worse). However, certain factors must be weighed:
(1) Cost: A keg fridge costs... a lot. I don't know, I've never bought one, but I'm guessing they are at least a few hundred dollars for a good one.
(2) Cleaning: Remember that nasty-ass draft beer you had at Mickey's Swinging Dick Lounge last Friday? Well, someone probably hasn't cleaned the beer lines in a while. Bacteria in beer lines must be cleaned every week or two. This means chemicals. And time.
(3) Waste: Yes, beer goes bad. After a few months hooked up, even under ideal temperatures, beer will get that unique ass taste. Budweiser prints the "born-on" date for a reason. So, unless you plan on drinking a lot of beer, or have friends over that do, you'll end up losing a percentage of beer on every keg.
RECOMMENDATION: Unless you like beer, and plan on cleaning the lines, go with the bottles.
GARNISH/MISCELLANEOUS
A martini without an olive is just a glass full of gin, and a gibson without an onion is... uh... a glass full of gin. That little refrigerator in your wet bar (you do have a little refrigerator I hope) can be used to store more than beer and that Big Mac that you bought two weeks ago at 3 a.m. and haven't quite come around to eating (or throwing away). You will need a small jar of cocktail onions, a small jar of maraschino cherries, and a small jar of stuffed olives. Pimentos are the most common olive stuffing, but try to get a little more creative - anchovy, garlic, or bleu cheese stuffed olives are a nice change of pace.
In addition, don't forget, drinks are like food - some need to be seasoned. Purchase a salt and pepper shaker (or just take the set from the kitchen), a small bottle of Tabasco, and a bottle of Worcestershire sauce (Bloody Mary, anyone?). If you like salt-rimmed glasses, a glass rimmer would be a wise investment. Alternately, you can use a small saucer. I feel I must elucidate: bars use a two- or three-stage rimmer which includes a sponge (usually soaked in lime juice) to put the salt on the rim of a glass, i.e.. a margarita. The top of the glass is pressed into the sponge, then dipped in the salt (or sugar). To avoid the purchase of such a device (freeing up a little extra cash for alcohol), use a small plate like a coffee saucer. Put the salt or sugar in the plate, run a lemon around the rim of the glass, and dip. Voila! Almost looks like a pro. So, now that we're glass-rimming experts, go buy a small box of sugar and a box of Kosher salt (the kind the big boys use).
Also, limes and lemons are a necessity, but they have a somewhat short lifespan, even in the fridge. Also, depending on what you're planning on making, and how extravagant you want to get, you can get celery, cinnamon sticks, oranges, pineapple, cucumber, and mint leaves. Put them all in the fridge. Then, three months from now when you remember that you put them in there, take the puddle of crap that it has all turned into and throw it out.
How do you make a lemon twist? There are several ways... (1) cut the ends off the lemon, then cut into the rind lengthwise at small intervals. Peel the twists off as necessary; (2) after cutting the ends off, use a barspoon and gouge out the "meat" of the lemon, leaving you with a hollow rind. Cut as needed; (3) there is an implement that you drag across a lemon that will cut out a piece of rind to use as a twist. If you feel the need, go buy one. (4) cut the ends off a lemon and submerge it in very very hot water for about three minutes. Make a cut through the rind from end to end and peel the rind right off. Now roll it up nice and tight and skewer it with a toothpick. This will keep the white part from drying out too quickly. Cut pieces as needed.
The proper way to use a twist? Run the outside of the twist (the yellow, not the fuzzy white part) around the rim of the glass. Hold over the glass. Twist. Drop.
By the way, there is NO SUCH THING AS A "TWIST OF LIME." You have no idea how many people I want to slap who ask for that. You can't do a lime twist like a lemon. When someone says a "twist of lime," they want a lime wedge. If you try peeling the rind off a lime you're going to look like a retard. And you're going to fuck up the lime.
If you have any questions, you can e-mail me at Kenny.