8 September 2007

I'd like to start today by discussing people who wait for "prime" parking places.  Now, I can understand not wanting to walk farther than necessary, especially here in Phoenix in the summer when it's hot, ass-hot, car-windows-exploding hot.  Maybe you have a lot of stuff to carry in or out (besides your fat ass) and want to make the exertion as minimal as possible.  Understood.

However, the fuckers I'm talking about are people parking to go to the gym.  Let me get this straight, you're going into a building full of exercise equipment, some of which I assume you are going to use, maybe even correctly, but you won't walk an extra 50 feet?  There's an open spot RIGHT OVER THERE, but you'll wait for this guy here to pull out - and, mind you, block traffic coming into the lot - just so you can exert yourself that much less.  Maybe it's because it's hard for you to walk with that red nose and those big shoes.  You clown.

OK, now, onto the news...

(1)  The aunt of a twelve year-old boy in Washington has been charged with soliciting two prostitutes to have sex with the boy.  Yes, that's right.  Aunt Linda hired the girls because:

"The 12-year-old's father had died not long before, and the child was "acting up" at home, so the sex was bought "as a way to appease the boy," Donora police said."

Why didn't I ever have family members like this?  My grandfather died when I was 9.  How come none of my relatives ponied up some cash for Misty and Summer to come by the house and "appease" me?  I should have thrown an extra tantrum or two.

(2)  Just to prove that college freshmen aren't always the best and brightest this country has to offer:

"A pair of freshmen at Northeastern University learned a tough lesson before classes even started this semester, when one of them allegedly leaned out the window of his dormitory and yelled something regrettable in earshot of plainclothes police officers.

"If you're looking for weed, my roommate Ferrante has some for sale," Michael R. Emery yelled, according to a release issued today by the Suffolk district attorney's office.

The sales pitch, made Sunday to a fellow student out a second-floor window at the Hemenway Street residence hall, got Emery, 18, and his roommate, Matthew J. Ferrante, 18, in a lot of trouble. After their room was searched and officers found a bevy of marijuana, smoking accessories and liquor, the pair was arrested, arraigned, and apparently thrown out of school."

"As they spoke to the teens, police spotted another bag of marijuana and a glass pipe. The officers read the students their rights and received permission to search the room, according to the release. The search yielded eight small bags of marijuana, a larger bag containing three to four ounces of marijuana, hundreds of clear plastic baggies, and a Triton T2 digital scale. The officers also found a grinder, a bong, $1,045 in cash, bottles of Malibu rum, Smirnoff Twist raspberry vodka, and Southern Comfort, and a vaporizer, a device that uses heat to release marijuana's intoxicating chemicals but does not burn the plant.

Outside the window of their room, the students had rigged a pulley system that had been designed to raise and lower items from the room directly overhead. It was not immediately how the students were using the pulley system, prosecutors said. "

I'm assuming the pulley system was not to hang their laundry out to dry.

You know, I was never a drug dealer, hell, I didn't even really get a good drunk on until I went to college, but I think I would have known better than to announce to everyone within earshot that my roommate had drugs for sale if anyone was interested.  It's one thing to try and be cool to all the other pimply-faced freshmen on the first day, it's quite another to do something so imbecilic that it lands you in jail and out of school.  Nate Newton thinks these kids were stupid.

(3)  Men, it has been pronounced in court:  the tittes are private parts.  You'd think that this was common knowledge, but in Singapore, the lawyer for a guy who was charged with molestation for grabbing a woman's blouse bunnies argued thusly:

"Lawyer Raymond Lye referred to dictionary definitions on Friday in arguing that breasts are not considered "private part," The Straits Times said.

Contact with the breasts should not be treated as seriously as with the genitals, he said, adding a fine for "fleeting contact over a fully clothed woman" was appropriate for Valluru.

Justice Tay Yong Kwang substituted the 4 500-Singapore-dollar fine with a three-month jail term.

He noted that a woman's breasts have been considered a private part since a case in 1995."

So, in 1994, the sweater kittens were okie-dokie for a little touchy-feely?  I wish I would've known.  All those sloppy fun bags I could have been playing with in my early twenties.  Sonofabitch.

6 September 2007

Remind me to NEVER fly Nepal Airlines.  Ever.  Fuckin' EVER.  This little tidbit was on the Reuters News line:

KATHMANDU (Reuters) - Officials at Nepal's state-run airline have sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft, the carrier said Tuesday.

Nepal Airlines, which has two Boeing aircraft, has had to suspend some services in recent weeks due the problem.

The goats were sacrificed in front of the troublesome aircraft Sunday at Nepal's only international airport in Kathmandu in accordance with Hindu traditions, an official said.

"The snag in the plane has now been fixed and the aircraft has resumed its flights," said Raju K.C., a senior airline official, without explaining what the problem had been.

Local media last week blamed the company's woes on an electrical fault. The carrier runs international flights to five cities in Asia.

It is common in Nepal to sacrifice animals like goats and buffaloes to appease different Hindu deities.

I'm not quite sure that I want to be on my way to anywhere and find out that the "troublesome aircraft" I am about to board was fixed by whacking a couple of goats on the tarmac.  I'd much prefer seeing, ya know, human beings with wrenches and screwdrivers fixing a plane, not Najib with a machete to a goat's foodpipe.  Then again, how much worse can it be than the drunk and stoned mechanics that we're used to?

5 September 2007

Our inaugural "What the Fuck Is Wrong With You?" award has to go to Whoopi Goldberg, accomplished actor of such monumental films as "Made In America" and "Bordello Of Blood," has proved once again that those who get paid to act shouldn't be allowed to open their pie holes and give their opinions.  The newest member of "The View" went on-air yesterday defending - DEFENDING - Michael Vick.  For those of who who have been in the jungles of the Belgian Congo until now, the former Falcons quarterback has pled guilty to dogfighting charges, including admitting that he killed eight dogs himself because they were the Gerry Cooneys of the dogfighting world.  I'm not about to go into the (very) gory details, go to ESPN if you really need a refresher course on the whole thing.

Whoopi (odd how a word that is generally used as a term for sex is also the name of someone with whom no man would - or at least should - want to engage in aforementioned act) said basically that dogfighting is part of Southern culture and that he's "not this monster."  Yes, because people who throw dogs into rings to tear each other's throats out and electrocute and drown dogs who won't fight are the kind of people I usually have at the table at Thanksgiving.  "OK everyone, turkey's done, rapists on one side, dog-killers on the other...  Jeff...  JEFFREY!  Dahmer, stop eating that poor hitchhiker and pass the cranberry sauce."

So allow me to get this straight:  Vick isn't a bad guy because, well, electrocuting and drowning dogs and throwing dogs into pits to watch them kill each other.  Because it's "indicative to certain parts of the country."  From this logic we can also assume that she has no problem with incest and rape, because in "certain parts of the country" (rural and backward as they are, how ya doin' West Virginia?) those things are indicative of the local culture.  He's got a purdy mouth... gonna make you squeeeeeeal like a piggie...  Oh, and on a global basis, Islamic terrorism is peachy and hunkydory, because it's indicative of Middle Eastern culture and over there, it's not an unusual thing.  Ya heard her Osama, Whoopi's got your back.  Hey, Hitler and Eichmann, you guys are in the clear, because anti-Semitism is just a German thing.  Hey Whoopi, slavery was just a part of Southern culture too.

Somehow, I have a feeling that if it had been Joey Harrington or Eli Manning - you know, NFL quarterbacks who had a lot of hype and promise and turned out to be useless - that Whoopi would have been less than ready to pick up their standard.  I'm not sayin' it's because Michael Vick is bla- I mean, "African-American" - or nuthin'...